The desire for approval is common among us. We like to be liked. This, I assume, is a common trait throughout most of humanity.
But I’m wondering, as technology and communication change, if this element of human nature is playing a larger role in our society and personal development than ever before.
The desire to be liked often causes us to say only the things we know people want to hear. And there is a danger in that for both the giver and receiver.
First, as the receiver, when we only hear the things we want to hear, we are rarely pushed into areas of needed growth. Criticism can be helpful—and it should be welcomed, especially when it comes from the people who love us most. Second, when the voices around us act as only an echo chamber of our personal beliefs, we miss opportunity to see the world from a new perspective.
The first danger of avoiding criticism is just as prevalent as it has ever been. If we do not surround ourselves with people willing to speak hard truth into our lives, we are left with little opportunity for growth. We ought to value those who challenge us in positive ways and also receive their criticism with grace and patience (however difficult that may be).
But the second danger appears to be disproportionately more prevelant in today’s heightened world of communication. For many people, digital platforms have become the new townsquare. Even more, our digital lives form the foundation for the influences we seek in our life. We follow our favorite authors, artists, entertainers, and thought-leaders.
This is all fine and good—I am thankful for the opportunity that technology has provided for me to reach you today.
But there is a downside. When we get to single-handedly pick all the people that we allow to speak into our lives, we are less likely to select people with opposing worldviews shaped by unique circumstances. It’s not always easy to allow people into our lives who we disagree with—and even more difficult to not quickly dismiss their words when we do. But these are needed for life improvement.
Seek out voices that say things you need to hear—not just the things you want to hear.
But I’d like to consider another angle to this conversation. There is a danger to us when we only hear things we want to hear. But there is also a danger in being the person who only says what other people want to hear—and I think our ever-connected world has made that more possible than ever before.
My life wasn’t always so focused on minimalism. As I have mentioned on numerous occassions, before becoming a full-time writer, I was a pastor at a number of different churches. I loved my job and found great meaning in it.
My desire to promote minimalism was as much accidental as it was anything else. I was introduced to the lifestlye by my neighbor… I started this blog as an online journal… but as people started reading it…. I became more and more energized concerning it. Simply put, I enjoyed the fact that people were drawn to the message—their positive response fueled my passion and minimalism’s opportunity to change the world.
Because positive reinforcement always encourages more of the same behavior, when people are drawn to the things we are saying, we are more inclined to repeat them. And the more we repeat them, the more likely we are to believe them.
This is good when the words we are speaking are beneficial to the listener. But this can be detrimental to us when the words we are speaking are not helpful or when they perpetuate a lie that we repeat only because the listener wants to hear it.
As I raise my children, I praise them when appropriate. And they enjoy the compliment and shower of praise. But there are times when they need correction as well. And I can only serve as a loving father if I am willing to take the step and speak hard truths into their life.
In the same way, I think we need to see our role in the world the same. There are times to comfort, soothe, encourage, and praise. But there are also times to speak unpopular truth into people’s lives and into the world around us.
Do both. And receive both.
This post really resonates with me! It’s so easy to fall into the trap of saying what others want to hear, but it often leads to misunderstandings and lack of genuine connection. I appreciate the reminder to prioritize honesty and authenticity in our conversations. Thank you for shedding light on this important topic!
So what you are saying is….It’s not a negative statement when a person says: That’s what I want to hear.
Hi Joshua,This is a wonderful piece. I specially love the that part about critism. Thank you and continue writing. From Tanzania
I love this article! In light of the current situation around the world, there are many of us that have apposing views. Voicing these on social media as what I believe is “my truth” has seen some friends feel they should attack me in a way that I have never seen before. I return with kindness and love but it’s still so very difficult to speak up. Would you mind if I copied some of your words and posted? I’m happy to put your name as the author too. Xx
How timely. I was just thinking this morning, in the wake of the election result, how little I hear of the voices of people with a different political point of view than my own. We’ve never been so connected, but are also increasingly insular.
Dear Joshua,
What a beautiful message and truth you have spoken today. One of my best friends (I call her my “soul sister”) has said some hard truths to me that stopped me in my tracks every time. I became aware of my initial reaction to recoil. But she keeps me on the path of righteousness, keeps me accountable to be a true disciple of Jesus, and challenges me to keep my word when I say I am going to do something. I am blessed by such a friendship, even if my initial reaction is, “Ouch!”
Iron sharpens iron.
My prayer is to always speak the truth and to do so in a loving manner: even when it’s difficult, even when it’s unpopular.
The desire to be liked is so hard to surrender, but it is necessary if we ever hope to grow.
Thank you for inspiring me daily with your blog!
God Bless,
Arie
http://herfreespirit.net
Thank you for the great post, a real wake up call.
Thank you for these beautiful words, Joshua. In fact, we have the feeling that people tend to forget how to handle honest and sometimes not so nice words. Ever more people in our environment constantly cry at work. Not because someone was unfair to them but because someone criticised them. What should be taken as an opportunity to grow is now often being understood as an attack. We believe that one of the underlying reasons for this is fear. In a world getting ever more complex people as square “not to be good enough” any more. Thus, the mind quickly starts seeing criticism as danger as it could mean that you fall apart in today’s world.
Our culture is emotionally overwrought. No wonder households struggle to communicate. Avoiding hurt feelings drives a whole bunch of relationships in my life. Wisdom has no place in a world that values feelings over everything else.
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This article was exactly what I needed.
I was LITERALLY just thinking whether or not I should tell someone something because they might disagree, or frown at me, and I was afraid of what they’d say. So I switched on my computer to distract me, opened your page and: Oh. OH.
Thank you.
Thank you for the article. Ironic that we live in a so-called ‘connected world’, yet live in our own bubbles.
We also need to be reflective of our own actions. Are we ready to face those who disagree with us? As adults we have choices, which may mean stepping back from those who don’t see things the way we do. Kids on the other hand have no choice (especially when younger) but to go with what mummy and daddy say.