The desire for approval is common among us. We like to be liked. This, I assume, is a common trait throughout most of humanity.
But I’m wondering, as technology and communication change, if this element of human nature is playing a larger role in our society and personal development than ever before.
The desire to be liked often causes us to say only the things we know people want to hear. And there is a danger in that for both the giver and receiver.
First, as the receiver, when we only hear the things we want to hear, we are rarely pushed into areas of needed growth. Criticism can be helpful—and it should be welcomed, especially when it comes from the people who love us most. Second, when the voices around us act as only an echo chamber of our personal beliefs, we miss opportunity to see the world from a new perspective.
The first danger of avoiding criticism is just as prevalent as it has ever been. If we do not surround ourselves with people willing to speak hard truth into our lives, we are left with little opportunity for growth. We ought to value those who challenge us in positive ways and also receive their criticism with grace and patience (however difficult that may be).
But the second danger appears to be disproportionately more prevelant in today’s heightened world of communication. For many people, digital platforms have become the new townsquare. Even more, our digital lives form the foundation for the influences we seek in our life. We follow our favorite authors, artists, entertainers, and thought-leaders.
This is all fine and good—I am thankful for the opportunity that technology has provided for me to reach you today.
But there is a downside. When we get to single-handedly pick all the people that we allow to speak into our lives, we are less likely to select people with opposing worldviews shaped by unique circumstances. It’s not always easy to allow people into our lives who we disagree with—and even more difficult to not quickly dismiss their words when we do. But these are needed for life improvement.
Seek out voices that say things you need to hear—not just the things you want to hear.
But I’d like to consider another angle to this conversation. There is a danger to us when we only hear things we want to hear. But there is also a danger in being the person who only says what other people want to hear—and I think our ever-connected world has made that more possible than ever before.
My life wasn’t always so focused on minimalism. As I have mentioned on numerous occassions, before becoming a full-time writer, I was a pastor at a number of different churches. I loved my job and found great meaning in it.
My desire to promote minimalism was as much accidental as it was anything else. I was introduced to the lifestlye by my neighbor… I started this blog as an online journal… but as people started reading it…. I became more and more energized concerning it. Simply put, I enjoyed the fact that people were drawn to the message—their positive response fueled my passion and minimalism’s opportunity to change the world.
Because positive reinforcement always encourages more of the same behavior, when people are drawn to the things we are saying, we are more inclined to repeat them. And the more we repeat them, the more likely we are to believe them.
This is good when the words we are speaking are beneficial to the listener. But this can be detrimental to us when the words we are speaking are not helpful or when they perpetuate a lie that we repeat only because the listener wants to hear it.
As I raise my children, I praise them when appropriate. And they enjoy the compliment and shower of praise. But there are times when they need correction as well. And I can only serve as a loving father if I am willing to take the step and speak hard truths into their life.
In the same way, I think we need to see our role in the world the same. There are times to comfort, soothe, encourage, and praise. But there are also times to speak unpopular truth into people’s lives and into the world around us.
Do both. And receive both.
Kim says
Hi Joshua, and thank you for this article. To me, one of the keys of speaking the truth is to do so in a way that respects the person you are speaking to. As one of my college professors used to say, we can disagree without being disagreeable.
Barbara Wagner says
Thank you Joshua for your honesty. Many people do not want to hear that, but it is good for us. Good criticism well delivered is always better for us than tickling our ears with fluff that makes us feel good. Love your writing, thank you
sharon raymond says
I recommend Marshall Rosenberg’s book, Introduction to Non-violent Communication, for anyone seeking information on skillful ways to think, and speak. From this book I have learned that any evaluation, which would be criticism or praise, of another person of any age, reduces the likelihood that they will develop intrinsic, as opposed to extrinsic, motivations for their behavior. A skillful comment on a child’s behavior might be, “I feel so happy when you carry the clothes up the stairs, I was really needing some support” vs. “what a great kid you are, carrying the clothes up the steps.”
Clare says
This is wonderfully written, and so true. Thanks for talking about this. I’ve been thinking about this topic a lot, and how it can be scary to talk about what you believe in, or how you’re really feeling. It seems that in the online world it can be both too easy to offend others, and easy to be offended. It would be nice to speak openly and respectfully, be challenged by different views, and remain honest in our conversations.
Michael says
Hi Joshua,
I didn’t know that you were a pastor before. Great post! I love candid feedback and criticism from people.
Often times, I go soliciting feedback so that I can improve myself.
We need to be open (not defensive) when we receive feedback. That is the only way to keep the receiving door open.
Then we need to objectively look at ourselves, evaluate, and make course corrections as appropriate.
–Michael
Vicki Nelson says
Fantastic article. It’s something I think about often, how easy it is to surround ourselves with only people we want to hear, whether friends, family, FB acquaintances, or even the news. But what does that gain us? How do we hold a conversation with an opposing view, when we don’t really understand it? How do we see another side when we refuse to open our eyes? How do we grow, if we refuse to let others help us? Thank you for sharing this!
Roy Benzema says
I believe dat is a gosple truth. People are conforming to things they shouldnt. All bkos they want to be accepted by others. Politicians are endorsing disgusting social lives bkos they want votes, entatainers are endosing same bkos they want to sell. But believe in GOD or not, we are all liable to judgement one day. What de BIBLE speaks against shud not be endorsed by anyone, and christians must not follow those endorsers. GOD speaks against abortion, homosexual, transgender, corruption and de like.
Thank you Joshua.
Roy Benzema
Marie Nellist says
This applies in many areas. Political correctness. Parenting. Being married. Thanks for the reminder.
Gladys Stevens says
I wake up at 5am to join an on line prayer ministry. Sometimes I feel tired and less motivated but because I want to please or get the approval of the group, I force myself to participate. This article has helped me in a way to just be myself so as to benefit from motivations deep within myself. Blessings.
sm says
I’ve been labeled as not being a “Team Player” at work because I don’t say YES to everything that comes through my office. The answer is not always YES… and that’s got to be OK.