Note: This is a guest post from Melissa of Melissa Camara Wilkins.
“How are you?”
How many times do you hear that every week? We all know not to answer “fine.” Fine isn’t a thoughtful answer. Fine means we didn’t think about the question.
Instead we have another default answer, don’t we? We’re busy. We’re all busy. How are you? Busy.
It’s true, so many of us are busy. Even as we try to simplify our homes, our calendars have a tendency to stay packed full.
When we start eliminating the extra stuff from our houses, we find new pockets of free time—the time we would have spent taking care of all that stuff. You’d think, then, that we would have plenty of open space in our schedules.
But there are so many options competing for those extra minutes that we can keep adding to our calendars until there’s no time left. We’re busy.
Sometimes being busy feels good, and sometimes keeping busy makes us feel important. But you are valuable because of who you were made to be, not because of the activities you do. Your worth does not depend on your busyness. You can do fewer things, even if the things on your calendar are all good things.
And the things we keep busy with often are good things. There’s volunteering, there’s being a friend, there’s work. There’s regular old household chores. And if you have kids, there’s sports, scouts, classes, clubs, and lessons, enough to fill every minute of the day, and it seems like everyone else is doing them all, so it must be possible.
We stop asking each other: How are you? And we start asking: How do you do it all?
The most important way to think about that question doesn’t have anything to do with your process. The best answer to that question has to do with your purpose.
You don’t have to do it all. You can quiet your schedule. You can choose mindfully.
Focus on purpose over process.
Instead of asking: How do I do it all?
Start asking questions like: Why am I choosing this? Does this feed my family or nourish my soul? Was I made for this?
If your schedule lines up with your purpose, wonderful! Keep doing what you’re doing, and keep asking for help when you need it.
But if you weren’t made for this—whatever this is that’s filling your schedule—stop.
Let go of activities that aren’t a good fit for you or your family. Let go of activities that might be great, but are too much for this season. There will be other seasons. Let go of activities that everyone else is doing. You aren’t everyone else. You were made to be you, on purpose.
You can focus on what’s right for you. Do what fits your personality, your passions, your purpose, your values, your family. Do more of that, and less of everything else.
It’s hard to be the person you want to be if your days leave no room for contemplating who that person even is. (tweet that)
Let go, and you’ll find more space to be yourself.
A minimized schedule can have maximum impact.
When you don’t do it all:
– You need less stuff.
Every activity comes with its own clothes or shoes or tools or toys. If you eliminate the activities that aren’t best for you, you won’t need all the props to prop up a lifestyle you don’t even want.
– You relieve pressure.
With fewer activities, there’s less stress on your calendar and your budget. You have less worry about carpools, traffic, and arrival times. You relieve that feeling of living through over-full, overcomplicated days.
– You have more time for your soul to breathe.
More free time means more space for stillness and contemplation. It means more space for dreams and growth. It means more time for listening and reflecting.
When there’s open space in your calendar, there’s more room in your heart for considering your place in the world, for thinking about who you are and how you intend to live.
Kids with more free time get to practice using their imaginations, and really, so do we adults.
Enough busyness.
Live out your purpose. Live your values. You don’t have to do it all. You just have to be yourself, and do what you were made to do.
***
Melissa Camara Wilkins writes a beautiful blog for unconventional souls who want to live differently, think differently, and see the world a little differently. Her book, DO YOUR THING: How to Find Time to Do What Matters, is free for you today.
Rebecca@TheFamilyFinder.Net says
I started answering that question with, “Better than ever!” Most people expect , “Fine.”
People then want to know why which is a great lead into answering fewer things, fewer commitments, and fewer to-do lists.
Melissa Camara Wilkins says
I love this, Rebecca. If I asked how you were, I would appreciate hearing about what’s been changing in your life!
Tana says
This post hits home with me. I learned how to say no when I became sick for 4 years. I am better now in many ways than before the illness. So something good came out of something bad. It taught me what is truly important in life and I learned how to listen to me, enjoy life more, say no, and not stress out.My life is so much more fulfilling and has more meaning because I let go of many things and people that did not deserve my precious time.
Melissa Camara Wilkins says
“I am better now in many ways.” What a beautiful perspective, Tana.
I find that I have to keep regularly revisiting those practices–listening to myself, saying no, letting go–but I find the results more fulfilling, as you say.
Brian Gardner says
Melissa, such great words. I love this:
“A minimized schedule can have maximum impact.”
If only I could apply those words of wisdom more than I do. I remember something that John Ortberg once said in a message — “You must ruthlessly eliminate hurry from your life.”
Melissa Camara Wilkins says
Thanks, Brian! “Ruthlessly eliminate hurry” — that phrase hits home for me. I think a lot of the time, the need for hurry is all in my head. I have to practice remembering that my days are not better if I rush through them, and that life will unfold at its own pace regardless.
Daisy @ Simplicity Relished says
I read something recently that really struck me about doing less: when you do less, you give others the opportunity to participate. I had never thought of doing less as a means of opening up access to others, but it makes so much sense. When we do simply what we are called to do, then others have the freedom and space to do the same. Loved this post!
Melissa Camara Wilkins says
Yes! I’ve seen this in my own life, too. When I step back, someone else can step up to their calling, and I can focus on my own. It takes a certain confidence, I think, to admit that we’re not the best person for a job. (That part, I am still working on.) ;)
Tony W says
“You were made to be you, on purpose” NICE! Simple but powerful for me.
Melissa Camara Wilkins says
Thank you, Tony. I’m glad it resonates with you.
Louise Coulson says
This really hits home. Sometimes I think that the more I have on my plate, the less I prioritize. Everything seems to need immediate action and I chase more problems into more rabbit holes. Thanks – will pin, try to heed and re read.
Melissa Camara Wilkins says
The more I have on my plate, the more urgent everything seems to be to me, too, Louise. I wonder if part of the sense of urgency (for me, at least) is simply needing to have fewer things on the to-do list, no matter which things get crossed off!
Amy@MoreTimeThanMoney says
The longer the list the more frantic I feel too. I now use routines and the rhythm of the day a lot more to manage my day-to-day activities, and restrict my to-list to the few essential things that much get done. On average, I think I do about the same amount of stuff, but it I do it with a different mindset and it FEELS very different.
We also have crunch times now and again, whether by design or circumstance. I’ve found that by bringing a slow mindset to how I approach these times I can get through them without feeling as derailed and depleted. I share by tricks for keeping things slow when I am busy here – https://moretimethanmoney.co.nz/2016/12/16/how-to-slow-down-when-youre-busy/
BrownVagabonder says
It’s so hard to say no to people. Especially in Toronto during the summertime, there are so many activities, and events going on, that I want to say yes to. But then I realize that the only thing I really want to do is sit on the grass in a park and read a book all day. To say no to all the other things that are pulling me, and being true to what I want to do with my day is so hard. The fear of missing out (FOMO) hits me hard sometimes, but I have to keep reminding myself, that I’m doing something that feeds my soul, even if it means I have to upset the other people in my life.
Melissa Camara Wilkins says
FOMO is killer for me, too. I find the same thing you do, that I have to remind myself how important nourishing my spirit is — but when I do, I’m always glad.
joanna says
I think part of people responding to that question with the word “busy” is we don’t know what else to say. Its a quickie conversation. I feel like I need the right word. I have also had people say (acquaintances) “how are you? Busy?”
Its that conversation starter where this comes in.
I’m very mindful of the word busy but I want a better word or response to this question.
Melissa Camara Wilkins says
I hear you about wanting to give a quick answer, Joanna. Hmm. It’s an interesting question. On the listening side, I always appreciate deeper answers, even if they take a little longer. What do you think about answering with how you’re feeling, or what this season has been like for you? Or sharing what you’re working on or what you’re looking forward to? If I asked how you were doing, I would love to hear any of those kinds of answers, even if I only had a minute or two to listen. What do you think?
Laura says
I enjoy telling two or three people how I’m really doing, but for all other 20 people at church who ask, I’m not comfortable being totally open. If I am overwhelmed and don’t want to explain, I answer, “I’m having a week of grace!” With a bright smile. They always chuckle, like they don’t really know what I mean, which is OK. It’s not everyone’s business to know I had to replace bad flooring, am battling insomnia/pms/bad-attitude/exhaustion, and had sick kids, all while my husband was out of town. It puts a burden on the person who asked, and honestly neither they nor I have time and energy for the conversation. For my closest friends who are able to roll up their sleeves, however, they can put on some work gloves and hand me tissues while we work and talk it out. Listening is both a lost art and not enough. People need to listen and act on what they hear.
Carole says
Well said. Like your answer. People ask out of politeness. They really don’t want to take the time to hear the answer. Your reply is thought provoking.
love says
I agree that it’s just a quick conversation answer when you know the person doesn’t really have time or want to hear everything going on. I’m pondering other words. If you’re busy and productive, you could smile and say, “I’m feeling productive!” and then move the conversation on to them. I like to say my days are full – in a positive way because I spend my days with my children, and that is good. I’ll be thinking of other ways to answer.
Kariane says
Indeed! For me, simplifying isn’t only about stuff, it’s also about life. It’s about putting aside that which doesn’t I don’t love, and eliminating the things that don’t inspire or build us. Life is too short to spend it busy, so we strive to spend it doing what we are passionate about (and make sure we have plenty of time to figure out where our true passions lie).
I’ve been writing about our simplification efforts (decluttering our home, our schedule, and a bunch of other related thinga) each Saturday on my blog. And each week, I feel like I can breathe a little bit deeper.
Thank you for sharing.
Melissa Camara Wilkins says
“It’s also about life.”
I completely agree, Kariane. It’s not just about stuff or schedules or tidiness, it’s about how we want to engage with the world around us. It’s about how we want to invest our selves. Deep breaths. Ahh.
Judy says
Great post! :) It’s been a tad bit busy around here…3 graduation parties, two baby showers and 2 weddings!!!$$$ But I definitely try to keep my schedule clear of unnecessary errands and such. I’ve recently de-cluttered BIG TIME…and yes, it has made housework a lot easier. With my extra time, I plan to paint and remove some pictures from the walls as I go along. I just need the courage to get started. I can’t afford to hire-out…so it’s all me!!!
Melissa Camara Wilkins says
Getting started is always the hard part, isn’t it? I try to remember how good it will feel to be done, but the getting there part is still tough. ;)
Congratulations on all the celebratory news that this season has brought! Grads and babies and families, how wonderful.