“The unexamined life is not worth living.” —Socrates
Even 10 years later, I easily consider it my worst day at work ever.
The exact day was in the middle of December and I was working at a church in Wisconsin. At some point, under my watch, a snowball fight broke out among 100 middle school students. This would be fine—and even expected in Wisconsin—except the snowball fight was taking place inside the church.
Piles of snow were being grabbed from the nearest exit, rounded into slushy, lopsided spheres, and thrown across the room toward unsuspecting students on the other side. In response, as you might guess, the snowballs were promptly thrown back at even greater speeds.
In my defense, it escalated quickly.
But my boss, who happened to wander past the room and witness the melee, didn’t seem to care. His only words displayed little understanding, “Clean this up. And stop by my office first thing in the morning.”
My heart sunk. This was not going to end well.
Fortunately, this is not a story about getting fired. And unfortunately, it is also not a story about challenging authority, sticking it to ‘the man,’ or even the rebelliousness of youth. This is a story about avoiding escape, remaining in the moment, and the painful joy of choosing to journey inward.
After cleaning up snow and water and mud off walls and carpeting, I got in my car to drive home. And suddenly remembered what would meet me when I walked in the back door: silence.
You see, back at home, I was in the middle of a 30-day No Television experiment—no entertainment from screens of any kind. No cable, no sports, no movies, no video games—not on television, computers, tablets, or phones.
And for maybe the first time in my life, I was forced to sit in silence with my own self rather than turn to entertainment as an escape from my troubles.
With no TV to turn on, I sat alone on my couch, in a dark living room, rewinding the events of the evening. I saw the look on my boss’s face peering into the room. I imagined all the possible outcomes of tomorrow’s meeting. I ran through the worst-case scenarios of what could have happened during the snowball fight. And I sat alone in the weight of the moment.
Then, I began a journey inward— an incredibly difficult journey of assessing my own heart and mind and soul in response to the evening.
Why did I allow a snowball fight to happen in the first place? Was I that desperate to be liked by middle schoolers that I would allow them to do whatever they wanted?
Why was I so afraid of tomorrow morning? Being fired was almost certainly not on the table. Was my identity so wrapped up in my reputation at work that this stain could literally paralyze me to my couch in an empty room? Does this seem healthy?
Was I so desperate for praise from others that I worried about my coworkers finding out? Was my leadership potential being questioned? Was my personal need for affirmation so significant that nothing else mattered at this moment in time?
I did not like what I saw. It was hard to be completely honest with myself in that moment. But it was important and worth ever hard-fought moment of not giving in to the urge to turn away and escape. I was intimately introduced to my ugliest motivations and fears.
It can indeed be a humbling experience to search our hearts, to be reminded of their depravity, and have our true motivations exposed to us.
I think that is why so often we choose to escape instead. We turn on the television, a video game, Facebook, or Pinterest. We turn to alcohol, tobacco, or other substances. We eat, we run, we shop, we go back to work, or we turn to unhealthy relationships.
But when we escape our present circumstance too quickly, we miss the difficult joy of looking inward. We lose opportunity to discover the motivations behind our pride, jealousy, anger, loneliness, narcissism, or selfish pursuits.
Is the discovery of these motivations all it takes to overcome them? Absolutely not. But slowing down long enough to recognize them is almost always the first step.
Image: Kyle Person
Marya says
I cannot agree more…people usually escape from thinking deeply about their own life because they do not like the result, if they can reach any result at all.
Ally says
Great post! I feel like I’m in the recognizing part of the process of not escaping…
This must be what I need to hear because I just read a similar thing in The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown in the chapter I just read she talks about numbing and “taking the edge off” in a similar way. She talks about being addicted to numbing (or escape) …”Hi, my name is Brené, and when I feeling vulnerable and uncertain, I eat an apple fritter, smoke a cigarette, drink a beer, and spend 7 hours on facebook.”
She also says you can’t selectively numb, you numb the bad, you numb the good too… like the title of your post…
Rachel says
Agree with Lindsay! Best article by far. Thank you for sharing.
Renee Hall says
Thanks for the transparency. Made me realize how guilty I am of filling the quiet time with technology “noise” instead of reflecting and stopping to listen to what God would have me hear.
Teresa says
I’ve been practicing mindfulness this last week,after getting out of the habit. I’ve hit a bit of a “wall” in life and am being intentional about pressing into it and seeing what God is teaching me rather than just avoiding it and self medicating with entertainment. Thanks for sharing the truth!
sandy says
Love, love, love this. One of my New Year’s resolutions was to be more present in my life….live life with less distraction. This has included deactivating my facebook account and daily meditation. It is definitely not easy at times but so worth it.
jill britz says
i can’t get over how, as i keep clearing out the clutter, i have room to think.
& reflect.
& dig up the unresolved, or rather, it floats easily to the surface.
& then, because i have more time:energy:thought, i can see it:deal with it:move on from it.
i’m growing like never before.
which all started with a donation box to goodwill.
who knew?
kyenne says
New reader: GREAT article. You summed up beautifully (and succinctly) what I’ve been learning for the last six months (years, whatever – huge smile). Thanks!
Liz Neighbors says
Ditto! Absolutely, your best writing. Perhaps because of your honesty and a very pivotal moment of your journey. I think in the aloneness we get a lot of our most important messages. Thank you, once again, for your inspiration. I’ve been on my journey since we had babies 18 years ago…(my mile marker)…and I’m still learning more everyday. I think the good news is the lessons never stop and the bad news is the lessons never stop….and really, none of it is bad once we’ve gotten the message!
Thankfully, my simplicity journey began with babies too….but the letting go of stuff lesson never fully got through until I heard you on a podcast. That Memorial Day moment you shared clunked me on the head and I got it! Like never before. I’ve been on a mission ever since. It’s been 6 months and we see a huge difference….little by little. AND I’m documenting it so we will truly see the physical changes. The mental clutter & emotional clutter are clearing too. THANK YOU JOSHUA BECKER!!! Liz Neighbors
Mr. Everyday Dollar says
I’d like to echo the comments of others: as a longtime reader, I think this may be one of your best posts yet – at least, it resonated with me the most.
As someone who – way more often than not – historically chose unhealthy behaviors to deal with or mask my own difficulties, I eventually found the path of looking inward.
Self-realization itself can be painful to explore, but I think it’s necessary to discover our deep-seated beliefs for why we do the things that we do.
Being honest with ourselves about our fear, anger, resentment, control, shame or guilt can help shed light on our sometimes illogical thoughts and behaviors and allow us the opportunity to grow, change, and find happiness. It worked for me!