If you need nice things to impress your friends, you have the wrong friends.
There’s a pretty common phrase thrown around in personal development circles. It goes like this, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
It’s an important principle actually. I don’t disagree with it all that much.
When we spend time with people who are driven and focused, we begin to take on that lifestyle. When we spend time with people who have a passion for a particular hobby, we become interested in it too. When our closest friends all hold a specific political viewpoint or worldview, we begin to see it as important as well.
The people we spend time with affect us in significant ways. They shape our worldview, our self-esteem, our attitude, and our pursuits. And they influence how we spend our money, our time, and our energy.
For that reason, I don’t want friends impressed by fancy stuff.
Most personal development writers who cite the “average of five friends” quote, do so aspirationally. If you want to be successful in business, surround yourself with people who are successful at business. If you want to be more productive, hang out with productive people. If you want to be rich, surround yourself with wealthy friends.
But it seems to me there is also an important counter-principle to consider.
If there is a trait you don’t want to be true of you, don’t spend a majority of your time with people who possess that trait.
I apply the principle all the time as an intentional parent.
My daughter knows that I’m not a fan of her having friends who are particularly boy-crazy or play Fruit Cup girl. Now, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have friends who are both. It just means, when it comes to her closest friends that she spends the most time with, I prefer a different influence.
The same is true for my son, now a senior in high school. Bad company corrupts good morals, as the proverb says.
And if I employ the principle for my children, I ought to apply it to my own life as well.
I made a life-changing decision 10 years ago that I would no longer pursue physical possessions as a symbol of personal success.
This is counter cultural. Even in the world of minimalism, there are many who will use minimalism as a means to purchase nicer, more expensive things. They may not be trying to impress others by the number of things they own, but they still seek to impress with fancy things.
But personally, I want friends who are not impressed by fancy things.
I want friends who hope to make a difference in the world. I want friends who are generous, thoughtful, honest, faithful, and compassionate. I want friends who use their resources to solve problems that they see in the world and speak up for the voiceless.
These are the people I want around me the most. Because I want to learn from them, be inspired by them, and become more like them as I progress through this beautiful journey of life.
I value relationships with people who are focused, disciplined, and intentional. They are passionate and productive. But they are passionate and productive about the right things!
My hope is that everyone I meet would consider me a friend. But when it comes to my closest friends, the ones that will impact my life the most, I want those most focused on things that matter.
Carol Marella says
It’s the ego – human nature to want to be around people like yourself. Growth mindset – be around people who are different to learn and seek to understand – that’s compassion.
Carol Marsella says
Human nature to spend time with those like you….it’s our ego. We are most comfortable being with those who mirror ourself. Growth mindset is seeking to understand those who are different. This doesn’t mean we have to become them….it means we are compassionate.
Gopal Galgali says
This is nothing else than age old Hindu Philosophy
N says
Hi Joshua! I love your movie. I got here by googling “minimalist friends”. I’ve been doing minimalism when I think back, most of my life except for in college when I was exposed to a lot of social/money climbing people and picked up that bad habit of materialism/joneses sundrome.
Fast forward to 15 years ago where I re-picked up simplicity and 6 yrs ago where I lost everything in a frre and have been teaching myself how to focus on what’s essential. I am now wishing there were more people around me I could relate to. I’m sure there are, I just can’t find them. People who aren’t all about money and materialism. I live around a bunch of mill/billionaires so the pickins are slim haha. I can’t even date because of it lol. Thank you guys for your amazing movie. I’ve watched it over 10 times mainly it reminds me of whom I’ve always been I just lost myself a bit. Cheers! – Nicholette
Bethany @ Happily Loco says
Hmmm….This did get me thinking a lot. I do have a problem with the people who have posted on social media about not wanting friends with different political views, etc. than they have. It seems like a waste of energy to focus so much on evaluating and judging potential friends. Instead, I try to focus on understanding people and seeing their wonderful qualities that I would like to emulate.
With that being said, I have found in my journey, that I have distanced myself from a number of friends, because I did not like who I was when I was around them. I had a number of friends who were negative and friends who did not respect my boundaries.
You definitely gave us some food for thought.
Success Triangles says
Great post! They say you are the average of the five friends that you hang out with the most, so it’s wise to be careful when choosing your friends. My friends don’t care what kind of car I drive and I love that. I also think it is a maturity thing. Once you get older, life becomes less about material possessions and your values shift to wanting to leave a legacy of some sort. I turn 48 next week and I’ve never been more focused on helping others and putting my own needs second.
Just my two cents ;-)
– Mark
philip w. says
this is true… it’s not about the clothes, the car, the decor in the room. it’s a wonderful state of unconditional love. truly these kinds of friends are a blessing.
Kim Harris says
Loved article. Thank you for always keeping me in point!
Rachael says
Hey Joshua
Just wanted to let you know that your Facebook posts have been blocked on Facebook for us Australians with the recent change to news sites. Not sure how you can fix this but perhaps you need to contact Facebook. I like seeing your posts and reading the comments in my feed. Thanks!
Natalie says
My parents are incredibly materialistic. This affected me in my youth. As a teenager, I bragged to my friends about how “we” owned 7 houses including 2 holiday houses (I assumed this ownership for myself somehow). I even remember making fun of my friends who had their clothes bought at charity shops instead of high end department stores like me (fortunately I am still friends with one of them but I still feel guilty now, looking back). I did not recognise that placing importance in material goods was foolish because this was what was modelled to me. I do not blame my parents. They have done very well for themselves (especially for what was a single-income family for most of my childhood) and are proud to show off the fruits of their labour. Even now, it can be exhausting trying not to be too judgmental of what they get obvious joy from – be it my mum’s clothes shopping addiction or dad’s new expensive cars. I make all the right noises and “ooh” and “aah” over their purchases. But deep down, it is hard because they are two of my “top five” people and we are so different in this respect now.
In the end, though, I can thank them because:
1. They brought me to adopt a minimalism worldview at the age of around 26, after spending the first years of adulthood just like them – acquiring more and more – but then eventually realising I was going completely overboard (with clothes in particular) so I stopped cold turkey with a 1 year shopping ban and started to learn about minimalism from there.
2. My dad in particular was always extremely open about discussing money and personal finance with me from a young age, and this early exposure helped develop my healthy financial habits e.g. never owning a credit card, etc. Money was never a taboo topic in our household growing up and I think that was, on the whole, a good thing although it could have been done in a less show off-y kind of way.
Thanks for the article Joshua.