If you need nice things to impress your friends, you have the wrong friends.
There’s a pretty common phrase thrown around in personal development circles. It goes like this, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”
It’s an important principle actually. I don’t disagree with it all that much.
When we spend time with people who are driven and focused, we begin to take on that lifestyle. When we spend time with people who have a passion for a particular hobby, we become interested in it too. When our closest friends all hold a specific political viewpoint or worldview, we begin to see it as important as well.
The people we spend time with affect us in significant ways. They shape our worldview, our self-esteem, our attitude, and our pursuits. And they influence how we spend our money, our time, and our energy.
For that reason, I don’t want friends impressed by fancy stuff.
Most personal development writers who cite the “average of five friends” quote, do so aspirationally. If you want to be successful in business, surround yourself with people who are successful at business. If you want to be more productive, hang out with productive people. If you want to be rich, surround yourself with wealthy friends.
But it seems to me there is also an important counter-principle to consider.
If there is a trait you don’t want to be true of you, don’t spend a majority of your time with people who possess that trait.
I apply the principle all the time as an intentional parent.
My daughter knows that I’m not a fan of her having friends who are particularly boy-crazy or play Fruit Cup girl. Now, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have friends who are both. It just means, when it comes to her closest friends that she spends the most time with, I prefer a different influence.
The same is true for my son, now a senior in high school. Bad company corrupts good morals, as the proverb says.
And if I employ the principle for my children, I ought to apply it to my own life as well.
I made a life-changing decision 10 years ago that I would no longer pursue physical possessions as a symbol of personal success.
This is counter cultural. Even in the world of minimalism, there are many who will use minimalism as a means to purchase nicer, more expensive things. They may not be trying to impress others by the number of things they own, but they still seek to impress with fancy things.
But personally, I want friends who are not impressed by fancy things.
I want friends who hope to make a difference in the world. I want friends who are generous, thoughtful, honest, faithful, and compassionate. I want friends who use their resources to solve problems that they see in the world and speak up for the voiceless.
These are the people I want around me the most. Because I want to learn from them, be inspired by them, and become more like them as I progress through this beautiful journey of life.
I value relationships with people who are focused, disciplined, and intentional. They are passionate and productive. But they are passionate and productive about the right things!
My hope is that everyone I meet would consider me a friend. But when it comes to my closest friends, the ones that will impact my life the most, I want those most focused on things that matter.
Noname says
But who says that just because a person might like nice things that they aren’t generous, thoughtful, honest, faithful and compassionate? Instead of labelling someone on face value, get to know them first. People are complicated and deserve kindness not judgement.
Stoic says
That is a good point; some people have expensive cars that are a status symbol, but at the same time are substantive and caring people.
The picture for this article is a porsche high performance vehicle; it is not comfortable, even if you are not tall, it is not practical, it is expensive and difficult to maintain. However people who have them really appreciate the beauty, style, interiors and the upscale personalized service at the dealership; we should be careful looking down on people with Porsche etc…Your point is well taken.
Martin says
May we acquire only what we need, not what we greed.
I suggest that we redesign marketing education curriculum.
Customer insecurity is injected thus making it easier to sell to.
Could we say goodbye to the mentalities of buy-buy-buy!
Could we say goodbye to the mentalities of have-have-have!
Steven Rodriguez says
I have been reading your posts for about 4 months now and you are so inspiring, it’s fantastic! Thanks for your insight and inspiration. I feel like I am home when I reduce clutter and minimize my material possessions. I am more free than ever.
Jeffro says
The only thing that impressed me and my friends as kids was a smooth jump shot and the length of a tire skid on your bike.
Now it’s more or less still a smooth jump shot and if you can make it a day without drinking coffee.
steveark says
It is a bit of a catch 22. I have always tried to hang around successful people and those relationships ended up helping me achieve a degree of wealth. But when some of your friends are eight and nine digit net worth types you are also going to be exposed to one percenter frugality. And it is just not the same as my level of frugality. If their grandkids live out of state then it makes perfect sense for them to buy a million dollar house or condo there, while keeping their mansion here. That’s a trivial expense, which they’ll probably make money on in the long run. Same thing about a ski condo or a beach house or maybe even their own island. A couple of them have their own jets. But none of that is to impress anyone. Its to add value to their lives and to save time and avoid hassles normal people face when they travel and vacation. I guess what I’m saying is having successful friends with lots of money, even if they are relatively frugal for their net worth, is going to expose you to a large number of things that you can’t begin to buy for yourself. I’ve never found it to be a problem, I think it is fun when they poke fun at my used cars and flying economy class, they see me as just a little eccentric and that’s not so bad. Plus I never have to drive on road trips, my vehicles are not big enough or as much fun to ride in!
Mel says
Avoiding hassles normal people face. Such a catch 22.
Valerie Rogers says
Just like any trend, minimalism can also be a trend if used to purchase few but fancy things. If the underlying motivation is to impress – might even be done unconsciously – then it’s just another mainstream method of control. Don’t be the Fruitcup Girl, be your own gypsy salad ?
Colleen Mariotti says
I enjoyed this article and I agree. I think sometimes it can be hard when ‘old friends’ have different values. I am so loyal and I find it hard to break away from friends I have had my whole life, even when our values differ. It is a delicate balance and an important one. Thank you
Laura says
wish i had that many friends i could make such choices. i also think what can i do to make a difference? even more so being in lock down again for so long.
Where does one find so many friends that you have a choice of who is a close friend and who isnt?
laura says
i wish i had that many friends i could make such choices. i also think what can i do to make a difference? even more so being in lock down again for so long.
Where does one find so many friends that you have a choice of who is a close friend and who isnt?
sunshine says
Laura, sometimes you run into people in the same place and can get an idea if they might be someone you want to know better. Invite them to sit with you or to join you for an event. When you are able to later on, invite them to hang out. You might discover you have mutual interests and that will make it easier to find things to do, but people are pleasantly surprised when I invite them over for a meal or just to hang out. You don’t want to invite a stranger over of course! But if you are part of a club or see them in a place frequently and have gotten to know it is safe to invite them over, you can invite them for dessert, game night, or to work on a hobby, like a book club etc. Have fun! You will be giving the gift of your friendship and gaining one in return.
Ruth J says
Beautiful post! Needed to hear this.