Is that it?
Three words—uttered by kids—often represent the most dreaded scenario for parents on Christmas morning.
“Is that it?” As in, “Are there really no more presents? This is all I get this year?”
Nobody wants their child to be disappointed on Christmas morning. It is supposed to be a magical day with endless smiles and play. But instead, too often, it ends in disappointment—disappointment for the child as they didn’t get all they wanted and disappointment for the parent as a result.
As parents, we react in different ways. We point out how many gifts they already opened. We promise additional gifts at grandma’s house. Quietly, we wonder how many more presents we needed to buy to make them happy.
And unfortunately, too often, we put the blame on the wrong person—them.
I don’t think anybody means any harm in the words they use with their kids leading up to the holiday season. They are common phrases—holiday classics. The words seem to roll off our parental tongues naturally—sometimes we even think they serve a higher purpose.
When our child misbehaves, we remind them Santa only brings presents to nice boys and girls.
When toys are advertised on TV or in stores and our child expresses interest, we tell them they should put it on their Christmas list.
We count for them how many times this season they will get to open presents: once at our house, Christmas morning at grandma’s house, Christmas evening at the other grandparents’.
We help them write letters to Santa and visit him at the mall so our kids can ask for anything they want. And then, we go back home and hang his likeness all over the house pointing to the promise of Christmas morning.
We hang stockings from our fireplace weeks before the event in anticipation of them being filled.
Even up until the night before, we promise our kids if they go to bed on-time, Santa will be sure to visit overnight with his bag of gifts specifically built for them.
Now, I should be clear, I am not saying there is no room in the Christmas season for tradition and fun and expectation.
But what I am beginning to wonder is, “Are we as parents setting ourselves up for failure? Are we inadvertantly focusing our child’s attention so much on the gifts under the tree, we couldn’t possibly live up to the expectation? Are we the ones to blame?”
A few weeks back, I was conducting an interview for a national magazine. The interviewer asked how we handled the holidays. I responded:
“We have made an intentional decision to still give our kids Christmas presents and their grandparents do the same. We see gift-giving as an appropriate expression of love. From us, our kids receive one thing they want, one thing they need, and one experience to share with the family.”
The journalist’s follow-up question was one I hadn’t heard before. She asked, “Do you find that your kids are disappointed on Christmas morning?”
I had to think before I answered because I wanted to be honest. Eventually, I answered her question, “No. I don’t think they are disappointed on Christmas morning. Maybe they were a little bit the first time, but now they have come to expect it.”
We are very open with our kids about our approach to Christmas and how many gifts they will receive. They know what to expect before the morning even arrives.
Conversely, when we exchange gifts with our extended family, disappointment actually has a better opportunity to arise. There is great anticipation. Nobody knows how many gifts are going to be unwrapped or how much money was spent… but you can almost always bet, in the kids’ mind, there will not be enough.
This holiday season, let’s be intentional about the expectations we set for our kids. Talk less about the gifts under the tree. And talk more about family and friends and faith. Promise fun with the cousins and the joy of being together with family. If you have decided to cut back on holiday gifts this year, tell your kids why—before you sit down around the tree.
Set healthy expectations. Maybe we can avoid holiday disappointment. Even better, maybe we can bring the focus of Christmas back to where it belongs.
I loved staying up late at night to watch Disney movies and cartoons when I was
A kid.
They were best .
Greetings from Orlando , Fl
Thanks great input! I will apply it for birthdays! It is never as opportune as now!
Blessings from Costa Rica.
This was the first year my kids were old enough to begin to understand Santa. I found it very weird to explain and wondered why I was even doing it? In the end we explained that Santa brings only 1-2 things because all the kids need toys. Santa also does NOT bring things because you are good. Santa brings things because Christmas is a time to think about other people, and Santa’s job is to think about all the kids…whether they behaved well or not. Also, Santa and the elf are not watching all the time…that is just creepy.
Our main problem is getting the grandparents to cut back on the gifts….a problem of privilege, I suppose!
Happy New Year! I signed up for last semester’s course and would like to take it again. Do I have to register and pay for the new session?
Great post! Thank you! We have 3 kids in the 7 to 4 age range and have been working toward minimalism for about 9 months. I had tremendous anxiety about Christmas this year. I was worried they would be disappointed. I read all these minimalism pintrest Christmas list posts about … Something you want, need, etc etc and it just did not feel right for us. We did not need more books and they needed nothing I am sure the kids wants could go on for days. I didn’t want to buy to buy or to fit a list that was not mine. It took a lot of thought to figure out what made sense and work for our family. I was even worried about all the Christmas events and activities. I really had to make sure all the things we’re doing and giving were not adding stress or mess. We decided not to participate in white elephant gift exchanges but attend some of the gatherings. None of us felt like we missed out. In the end, my husband and I felt like we enjoyed things so much more this year. It was simpler and we all had a great Christmas, but it took a lot of thought and an understanding that we did not have to what everyone else was doing. We did what worked for us.
I almost had the same feeling this year and searched for lots of ideas on Joshua sites and reads Ms
This has been helpful and lots on weekends . Stress and reliefs on xMas day !!!!
Isn’t it meaningful when you spend more time with the people you love ❤️ more than gifts 🎁
I completely agree that we set the expectation for what Christmas means. Our daughter is two and we are very conscious about discussing how Christmas is for giving instead of receiving. Making edible gifts for the family together, adopting a child in need and shopping for presents together for them, asking santa for one thing… which surprisingly she just naturally did, going through our toys and seeing what we don’t play with anymore that we could give to someone who needs it. We tried to express to family to just get one gift and recommended experiences like swimming lessons or music class. Hoping this helps for the future to put the focus elsewhere. We shall see!!
The expectations that we put on ourselves for the holidays are a recipe for disappointment! It takes courage to break away from them, but the end result is less holiday stress and more joy. I wrote a post along the same lines: http://www.onlinelifecoaching.info/blog/2016/12/21/10-ways-to-survive-the-holiday-blues .
Maybe it is also the age. My son is 14. When my husband and I asked him what he wanted for Christmas, he said “Nothing. I’m very lucky and grateful for what I already have.”
I do not know what I’ve done differently, as a parent to have him respond that way. Perhaps it was our very lean years (I was a single mom since he was 2) his first few years of life. For the last 4 years he’s requested things like “a nice meal at home” or “spend more time with my friend” or “visit family.”
We’ve been working towards becoming minimalists for a little bit now, but this last year we’ve pushed it a little harder. (My husband and son do not call it being a minimalist. They just figure we live differently than other people.) We all have a capsule wardrobe (including my son). We’ve been working hard to de-own and de-clutter, each month focusing on something new. He recently decluttered/deowned things from his own room. He prefers experiences over things. We are trying to think of a Christmas gift to give ourselves this year that we would all enjoy – that is experience based. I believe over the next few years we will evolve towards having traditions that celebrate being together, rather than giving presents.
Happy Holidays!
Holly, Your son sounds like a reasonable, well-adjusted teen who has “time” as his love language. He is perfect for “experience gifts” whereby you do something together :)