Is that it?
Three words—uttered by kids—often represent the most dreaded scenario for parents on Christmas morning.
“Is that it?” As in, “Are there really no more presents? This is all I get this year?”
Nobody wants their child to be disappointed on Christmas morning. It is supposed to be a magical day with endless smiles and play. But instead, too often, it ends in disappointment—disappointment for the child as they didn’t get all they wanted and disappointment for the parent as a result.
As parents, we react in different ways. We point out how many gifts they already opened. We promise additional gifts at grandma’s house. Quietly, we wonder how many more presents we needed to buy to make them happy.
And unfortunately, too often, we put the blame on the wrong person—them.
I don’t think anybody means any harm in the words they use with their kids leading up to the holiday season. They are common phrases—holiday classics. The words seem to roll off our parental tongues naturally—sometimes we even think they serve a higher purpose.
When our child misbehaves, we remind them Santa only brings presents to nice boys and girls.
When toys are advertised on TV or in stores and our child expresses interest, we tell them they should put it on their Christmas list.
We count for them how many times this season they will get to open presents: once at our house, Christmas morning at grandma’s house, Christmas evening at the other grandparents’.
We help them write letters to Santa and visit him at the mall so our kids can ask for anything they want. And then, we go back home and hang his likeness all over the house pointing to the promise of Christmas morning.
We hang stockings from our fireplace weeks before the event in anticipation of them being filled.
Even up until the night before, we promise our kids if they go to bed on-time, Santa will be sure to visit overnight with his bag of gifts specifically built for them.
Now, I should be clear, I am not saying there is no room in the Christmas season for tradition and fun and expectation.
But what I am beginning to wonder is, “Are we as parents setting ourselves up for failure? Are we inadvertantly focusing our child’s attention so much on the gifts under the tree, we couldn’t possibly live up to the expectation? Are we the ones to blame?”
A few weeks back, I was conducting an interview for a national magazine. The interviewer asked how we handled the holidays. I responded:
“We have made an intentional decision to still give our kids Christmas presents and their grandparents do the same. We see gift-giving as an appropriate expression of love. From us, our kids receive one thing they want, one thing they need, and one experience to share with the family.”
The journalist’s follow-up question was one I hadn’t heard before. She asked, “Do you find that your kids are disappointed on Christmas morning?”
I had to think before I answered because I wanted to be honest. Eventually, I answered her question, “No. I don’t think they are disappointed on Christmas morning. Maybe they were a little bit the first time, but now they have come to expect it.”
We are very open with our kids about our approach to Christmas and how many gifts they will receive. They know what to expect before the morning even arrives.
Conversely, when we exchange gifts with our extended family, disappointment actually has a better opportunity to arise. There is great anticipation. Nobody knows how many gifts are going to be unwrapped or how much money was spent… but you can almost always bet, in the kids’ mind, there will not be enough.
This holiday season, let’s be intentional about the expectations we set for our kids. Talk less about the gifts under the tree. And talk more about family and friends and faith. Promise fun with the cousins and the joy of being together with family. If you have decided to cut back on holiday gifts this year, tell your kids why—before you sit down around the tree.
Set healthy expectations. Maybe we can avoid holiday disappointment. Even better, maybe we can bring the focus of Christmas back to where it belongs.
Anne Peterson says
Loved this post. And there is so much value in simplifying so the real reason of Christmas can shine through. And I loved your point. We will always have this spot in us that is unsatisfied. Knowing what to expect is so helpful in warding off unnecessary disappointment.
Alexandra says
Heather, Your family’s Christmas and Advent sounds a lot like our family’s. I find that the deeper our spiritual life grows (through things like a proper and holy Advent season) the less focus is on the materials aspects of the holiday. I’ve had kids disappointed at their presents (interestingly, usually in the years that were more abundant with gifts than less) but it’s the years that we’ve been best about focusing on the Holy Family and the true gift of God taking on our flesh and humanity for our sakes, that have been the most fulfilling. A Blessed Advent!
Malfurion says
I lost my desire for receiving gifts around 19 or 20. My parents spoiled me and my sister growing up, and even a young adult they would ask me what I wanted for Christmas. I said nothing, I don’t want anything. I insisted on receiving nothing, but nonetheless the goodies would amass in the stocking and under the tree.
I think it’s very important for a parent to make their children feel valued, and that giving gifts is very important. But I think the gift of doing something/activities is so much more rewarding than receiving toys and material goods. I also think it’s important that this type of giving happens at an early age, or else the children will feel entitled to asking for all the latest and greatest toys and video games.
What a burden it must be to raise children in this materialistic world, yet I suppose supremely rewarding to instill non-materialistic values into your young minds. I
Malfurion says
oops comment was cutoff.
…I think more parents should read this blog. The world would be a better place.
KC Cupp says
Joshua- We have a similiar gift giving process with our children. It is an amazing way to encourage a grateful spirit in our kids and teach them about contribution. Thank you for sharing this!
Phil POGSON says
Be radical – no gifts.
The joy of Christmas can be great food – great company – feeding the hungry – clothing the poor.
Kids can join in.
I have 5 daughters – Santa has never been part of the equation….and they all love Christmas and have the most fun giving rather than receiving.
Queen Mary says
Phil, that’s lovely if Santa has never been part of the equation, but I think Joshua is talking about families that have already had Santa and have gone from a more commercial lifestyle to a minimalist lifestyle. When I read this entry my first reaction that if a kid of mine every expressed dissatisfaction he or she would get a very real conversation. But my kids are grown and my kids are better behaved than that — my nieces and nephews are not however. They have expressed dissatisfaction with their gifts to my face. My kids always gave away a gift at Christmas, a gift they liked to someone less fortunate. To this day my kids are grateful, wonderful, sharing and caring human beings and I am very proud of them — my husband and I are so grateful the kids survived all of our mistakes!
Paula says
Thank you Joshua for this article. It is a very important topic for me because I always dreaded the consumption season with Christmas. I have little means, and this helped me to remain modest with the gifts. My daughter gets one gifts I know she really wants from Santa, one small and fun gift from me (mom) and a few small things like socks or other clothes (things she needs). I feel that giving gifts of things she needs (like clothing) teaches her the value of things (I hope) and understand that even though it is necessary, it is still a gift and a choice for us to give her the pleasure of nice new clothes. I will add the gift of one activity to share, which we have already started doing for birthdays with friends (adults or children) considering how much going out is becoming expensive. Thank you for all your articles. Very useful because you always put things back into perspective and to value people, things and objects.
kris says
Again a very nice post! Thank you. In Holland we celebrate st. Nicolaas. 5 December is the day that the good old men comes to the houses and brings everyone gifts.
We always give our childeren 3 presents. 1 want, 1 need. 1 funny as a joke.
The extended familie always wanted to do a round of gift giving also. I personaly find one night of giving is enough. The kids get overwelmed with al the stuf and tension. Now we introduced a little help for st Nicolaas, like an Elf on the shelf. It doesn’t check the kids on being nice, it checks on laughing and fun in the house. During night times it does funny things. the next morning the kids find it, reading a story to the legodummies or having a parade with the stuffed animals. So much fun! We take a picture and share it on facebook… So do their nefews and nieces… and they can’t wait to see what happend in the other family. A new tradition that brings laughter and fun instead of another thing in our familie…
Lisa says
This is my first Christmas season as a parent of a kid (and only grandchild) who is getting old enough to understand toys and gifts, and I am dreading it!!! We have decided that Santa only fills the stocking. Our daughter will get three gifts from us, and we have asked family members to please go easy on the gifts. My husband and I want the focus to be on spending time together, with family, and helping others…NOT on ripping open present after present….
For us the biggest challenge will definitely be family…
Daisy @ Simplicity Relished says
I love that you shift the anticipation from stuff to experiences– fun, family and celebrating the real gift of Christmas with simplicity and quietness. There is true joy there, and the sooner we experience that, the more quickly we’ll let go of material things.
Molly says
We go by Santa fills the stocking and leaves a gift under the tree. There’s a gift from Mom under the tree, and a gift from Grandma under the tree. Later in the day, there will be one gift from the aunt/uncle who drew his name in the family exchange. We were able to switch to a family exchange a few years ago, because the kids were just being overwhelmed with stuff from every family member – too much! Each adult draws an adult name and a child name, so there are only 2 gifts to purchase, and they can be nicer things now. Win-win!