One common stumbling block for parents in the journey to simpler living is the notion that they need to protect their children from envy. They fear because their home will not be filled with all the latest and greatest products on the market, their children will become jealous of other kids.
But our role as parents is not to eliminate the opportunity for envy. Our role is to parent our kids intentionally and train them to think mindfully about envy and learn to overcome it.
A few years ago, I drove my son and five of his neighborhood friends to a restaurant to celebrate his birthday. Each of the boys lived in close proximity to one another, but they still represented a wide range of socioeconomic classes. As might be assumed, the conversations in the vehicle covered a wide range of topics, but one conversation emerging from the back seat piqued my interest a bit more than the others.
Two boys in the back seat began comparing their lives with one another. I knew, of course, this was not a rare conversation—I had similar conversations while I was growing up. But what I found particularly interesting (and prompted my eavesdropping) was the level of mutual envy surfacing.
At first, the comparison was on video gaming systems and who owned more games. Then, a discussion on what type of cars their parents drove surfaced, followed by a conversation on house size. Eventually, the comparison turned to athletics and sports teams and girls. Each time, one participant hoped to one-up the other.
The boys came from two of the wealthier families represented in the car. And yet, at times, each appeared clearly jealous of the other and the specific purchase that their parents had made.
I learned an important parenting lesson that day: You cannot outpace envy and you cannot outspend jealousy.
The game of comparison is a game that can never be won. Among those who choose to play, there are no winners—only losers. No one can have it all and no one can ever buy enough things to eliminate envy. There will always be something to be jealous about.
Instead of trying to outspend envy, we must teach our kids how to stop being jealous. It is important we help them learn how to focus on the positive, the shortsightedness of comparison, and the foolishness of jealousy. We must teach them to be generous and grateful, and to celebrate the success of others.
Envy will always hold our children hostage. As parents, we need to equip them to break free and experience a more fulfilling life.
And many of us need to learn the same lesson for ourselves.
I don’t think you can “overcome” envy; I think you notice it, accept it as present, and put it in perspective. You learn to work with it. In my opinion, it’s part of the human condition, but some cultures exploit it. For example, I have a friend who is wildly popular on Facebook. I’m mildly popular. For every 200 “likes” she gets when she posts, I get 50. Am I envious? Yes. But I remind myself, she has a different personality style, and that’s fine. I have other strengths, and I move on. There’s some envy there, but I don’t feed it.
Envy, not greed, is the root of all evil.
I’ve traveled all of the world and have yet to experience this cultural dynamic anywhere outside of the United States. The attempt to balance financial security/comfort with an awareness of what matters in life and what most others in the world don’t have is a very unique challenge. Often times you’ll see attitudes like, get out there and make/consume as many resources as possible for yourself. This usually comes with a complete disregard for other people. Ironically this, as most readers here know, is not a recipe for happiness. We as parents can show our children that going out and getting as much stuff for yourself isn’t desirable simply by demonstrating happiness derived from helping other people/living with less.
A well written article and very important point of view! A sudden thought when I read it was to substitute the word “kids” in the caption for “everyone”. Not to cut envy out of our lifes, but to learn to deal with it appropriately. This is not an easy lesson to learn but worth to be communicated.
Thanks!
Thank you for the wonderful, heart felt essay, Joshua!
One of the best ways I reject envy is by feeling gratitude. One day I was in the shower, and it was so nice and warm, and I was really enjoying it. As I stood there, I thought about how many people in the world have never had a hot shower, much less enough water to drink. I found myself full of gratitude and the wish that everyone could have hot showers and plenty of clean water to drink.
Inspiration article!
I can’t understand how anyone can sustain the idea of out spending envy. In essence, you’re not dealing with the really issue, which is a heart condition.
I enjoyed this. Thanks for sharing! :)
I agree that this is an issue to address with kids, but wondering if you could provide some more clear advice on what you think it looks like to do that. Also, I’m very curious what you said to those teens! :)
My feeling on this… when I hear my son comment about a friend who is “rich”, I remind him that to many of his friends, he may be considered rich. It’s all about perspective and I stress how important it is to be grateful. I always remind him that even if you attain a level that you think is “rich”, or you get that cool car, there will always be someone who has more or who has a cooler car, so you can’t compare yourself to anyone around you. There is great peace in “contentedness” and being content doesn’t necessarily mean thy you don’t wish for something more one day, but that you realize that you likely have enough. We all need to learn to be content. I let him know that it’s ok to want to be his version of successful and that there’s nothing wrong with wanting more at times, that’s what motivates all of us in some way or other. What matters is that you stop and reflect on what you do have and be thankful for that.
I agree with you. We can’t be with the kids every time so; it is necessary to teach them how to tackle envy. Excellent Article.
This has inspired a conversation with my Lego-loving tween who is usually happy and appreciative but doesn’t understand why he can’t have an extremely expensive set for his next birthday. I’ve actually give some ideas for how he can have it that entail lots of work or waiting or both. But this timely post has inspired me to talk again about how rich we are, but not with things. He is still at a stage where he can appreciate that because he loves the way we live even though they come with sacrifices of riches.
Yes, yes, yes to this. You cannot outspend jealousy. I teach at a private school and often wonder how to discuss this with my students, when they’re so little exposed to true need. As parents (or anyone who works with children) we want to prevent them from experiencing negative emotions like envy, but teaching them how to manage it is key. It would have saved me some heartache as a teen.
It’s all so connected. Thank you for your work.
This is a hard one for sure on so many levels…
Some people just never “get it”.
It takes a lot of maturity to not feel jealous or envious of someone who seems to “have it all”… especially if their all is exactly what you’ve always dreamed of.
Brings you to a quick reality check though, when you know deep in your heart that for some, clean drinking water for example or a warm blanket would mean everything :(
This sentiment is what we need to share with our children in a way that it deeply absorbs into their heart. In the quiet moments…
I was that kid who always felt inferior to his peers. I went to a private school (I got a scholarship) but i always felt embarrassed by my dad’s beat up old car and our small messy apartment that I never invited friends over, never wanted him to pick me up from school and I always felt that my dad should have done better. It’s terrible I know. He’d always say “don’t worry, everything will be ok”, but it still wasn’t enough for my immature brain that had somehow become so engrossed in this superficial world – as a child my sense of self worth obviously came from material things to make me feel relevant and valuable as a human. It makes me nauseous to think about it now.
It’s only now as an adult that I realise what he meant and the happiness and peace he’d found with his version of a minimal life. It’s only now that I realise I stopped myself from having an authentic relationship with him by my superficial world view.
It’s only now as an adult when I think of what I’ll tell my kids when I might not always be able to enable them to keep up with their peers in terms of material possessions, I find myself wanting to use the words “don’t worry, everything will be ok”. I so wish I could make others love minimalism and the freedom it’s given me – but I know I won’t always be able to. I hope my kids don’t end up resenting me too. If only I realised as a kid that the parents of the other ‘rich-er’ kids were always at work, had no time for them, were drinking excessively, their marriages were failing, no time to ponder the purpose of existence and to instill that in their children. I’d swap any amount of clothes, computer games, big bedrooms to just have spent more time hugging my parents. It’s sad that I only realise that now.
:(
So true. I tell my children someone will always have more and someone always will have less, be content with what you have. Hopefully one day by hearing this and me leading by example they too will understand.
Well said! This idea alone could change the world. Thank you!
Teddy Roosevelt nailed it with his line: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” We’ve raised our son to understand that (thanks to MLK) the “content is his character” matters more than his bank account. Thanks for another great post.
John, just wanted to thank you for your service. It’s that thin-blue-line that helps to keep it all together!!! :) :) :)
Judy-Kind of you to write. Thanks!
“We must teach them to be generous and grateful, and to celebrate the success of others.”
This is a nice objective, but this is also not within the power of the parents most of the time, nor within their skill set, nor even possible with some children.
Good luck with that.
FredT: Definitely agree, some kids from good homes and teachings that grow up and get out on their own, prove that with some it is impossible.
It’s genetic . I’ve never been envious of anyone even at my most poor. My mind never operated like that.
I don’t have the jealousy gene. Though I do think it’s a common gene .
Thank you for this. I would love to see more posts like this that address parenting and minimalism, how to teach children to be grateful, and how to help them understand that time/experiences are more valuable than things.