“Too many people overvalue what they are not and undervalue what they are.” —Malcolm S. Forbes
The importance of learning how to be more confident in our lives can not be overstated.
It is, after all, a lack of confidence that causes our lives to be tossed to and fro by the sway of culture. From the very beginning, we see the harmful affects of low confidence on our decision-making process while the fear of rejection becomes an all too common presence in our lives. It causes many to adopt the values of the group and engage in otherwise undesired behavior.
Simply put, the need for love, belonging, and acceptance becomes stronger than the internal compass within us. And many unhealthy life choices begin to emerge.
In adolescence, this need for acceptance begins to show itself in substance-abuse, underage-drinking, dangerous sexual practices, or mischievous behavior.
As we get older, some of these habits remain… but new ones begin to emerge. The desire to find acceptance by impressing those around me with my possessions begins to motivate aspects of my life. And whether it be a certain home-size, vehicle-model, fashion-trend, or latest-technology, many of our purchases are made with a simple desire to keep up with the neighbors and not be regarded as “falling behind.”
Our need to impress and be accepted becomes more important than wise spending habits.
But self-confidence redirects our life. It begins to realign our desires with the unique heart inside us. It allows us to reject the trends of a culture built on consumption. When it is present in our lives, we begin to believe that we exist for a greater purpose than shopping on Black Friday. The need to impress others with our belongings is replaced by an internal desire to follow our heart and soul… and to embrace the desires deep in our soul is to reject the notion of shopping for acceptance.
To recenter your life, learn how to be more confident, and embrace a healthy view of self-confidence, consider these practical tips:
Stop comparing yourself. Reject the desire to compare yourself to others. When we compare ourselves to others, we always contrast the worst things we know about ourselves to the best things we know about others. The inevitable outcome always leaves us with feelings of inadequacy and despair. Become wiser. Tell yourself that you can’t possibly be making a fair comparison. And reject the idea altogether.
Celebrate your uniqueness. Your life was never meant to be lived like everyone else. You don’t look the same, you don’t sound the same, your talents aren’t the same… and your deep-held values are unique. Throwing that away just for the sake of being accepted by others is one of the cruelest things that you can ever do. And it will always prevent you from fully living our life. Instead, champion the things that make you unique and find confidence in them.
Focus on the positives. Change your thinking. Focus less on the negatives and more on the positives. Stop dwelling on the negative messages of the past and begin centering yourself on the positive traits in your life today.
See past failures as learning opportunities. We’ve all tried and failed at some point in our lives. Confident people look back at failures and view them as learning experiences. In that way, failures can actually provide greater self-confidence moving forward. Learn from your mistakes and try again. Remember that it’s not over when you lose, it’s over when you quit.
Help someone. One of the most important steps to finding self-confidence in your life is to give yourself to others. Serving another person almost always results in the healthy realization that you are important in this world, that you have something to offer, and that the world is more beautiful because of your presence. See a need around you? Whether it be a need for time, finances, or a listening ear, meet it today. And the life you change just may be your own.
Begin realizing a life goal. Intentionally and specifically, begin working towards a life goal. Know that taking the first step is a momentum builder and can generate confidence in your life. There is a powerful difference between “I want to…” and “I’m beginning to…” So write the first page, run the first mile, or meet the first person. You know what you want to accomplish and you know what the first step is. Stop telling yourself it’s out of reach and take the first step.
Accept your weaknesses. While dwelling on our weaknesses leads to a lack of self-confidence, accepting them is an important step in developing it. First, it keeps us from unhealthy delusions of grandeur. It embraces that we are not perfect and forces us to live our lives in a healthy need for others. Secondly, it provides us with the foundation to accept failures when they arise. We are not caught off-guard when we fail. Instead, we are simply again reminded of our need for others to compliment our weaknesses.
Be known and loved. There is no greater key to self-confidence that being intimately known and genuinely loved by another. Allowing another human being into the deepest depths of our heart is one of the single most difficult acts in the world today. But doing it (and being loved despite of it) breathes life into our soul and builds confidence in our inner-most being… and this confidence continues to grow as the commitment to each other deepens. (On a related note, take a moment this week to better know and love your child… it’s one of the greatest gifts you can ever give them).
Intentionally working on how to be more confident will provide you motivation to pursue your passions. It provides the foundation to reject the claims of a consumerist culture. And it provides the incentive to live the life you’ve always wanted to live.
Cynthia says
I wouldn’t have read this if it wasn’t for Dawn above! Thx Dawn! This is an awesome article! This really helps myself too, b/c I usually put myself down too & I shouldn’t. I am a photogrpaher myself & I recently had a lady whom I took pics of her family & she totally bashed me, said my work was crap, that hurt badly; however, I know my work isn’t crap b/c right after that happened several others have wanted me to take their pics & has loved my work! I guess you can’t please everyone, but I did take some of her critcism & ran w/it to better myself!
Thank you for posting this b/c I too get caught up in the “Jones” always trying to have better or like another person when I should be myself & not care what others think! I can tell 2011 is going to be a better year b/c I plan on being myself!
This quote is on my FB page for my photography & I should pay more attention to it:
“Shoot for the moon and if you miss you will still be among the stars.”
Les Brown
Dawn says
Thank you so much for this article!!! I have very low self esteem and self confidence. I live in an Army community w/younger wives who all have photography businesses, like myself. They like to make others feel bad about themselves and their work. I will no longer allow them to make me feel that I’m worthless or crazy or whatever else they say about me, bother me from this day forward.
Cynthia says
Yes, we should be ourselves & not worry about those other people putting us down b/c there are people out there who love our work!! I’m glad you are my friend Dawn!
susan says
My first reaction was to think, “Wow. I wish I could write something so impactful and meaningful on my blog” then realized what I was doing and rejected it.
Instead, I’ll honor myself and your writing by saying I appreciate and value it and will in turn utilize it for inspiration.
Thanks for an absolutely inspiring post.
Ayesha says
I agree! It appears that dysfunctional and negative emotion drives consumerism…I’m tired of living in this wheel myself. Everywhere one turns he or she is being told that he or she is not good enough and that buying/changing/daring to do X will enhance the quality of one’s life. It’s time to turn away from those voices, but if they’ve already invaded a person’s mind it’s a long road to exorcise them.
joshua becker says
So true. We’ve been told those messages for so long and from so many places that it takes an intentional effort to remove them from our lives.
Katie says
Great post! It’s amazing what a difference we can make in our lives if we have a little faith in ourselves. It’s like a confidence/success snowball. You feel more confident and you take a risk. Because you took a risk, you gain more success which leads to more confidence, and so on and so on.
Thanks!
joshua becker says
And the biggest shame is those who never get started in the first place.
Jeff says
“Helping someone” is the most important point from my observations and my experience. It’s not only good for confidence, it is the key to happyness. When you look at people with depressions, in most cases there is a lack of really “helping others”. When you look at people who are helping others, you often have someone happy and self confident in front of you. Take for example my little sister (24). She’s a firefighter, a paramedic and a successful med student. She helped to save the life of uncounted people until now. And while she has her own little problems for sure, she is an energetic, powerful, self-confident and cheerful person. And since I decided to become a teacher (also helping others in some way), I’ve felt much happier than when I was a sales person.
joshua becker says
Thanks for the practical example. And good for you Jeff. Thanks for being a teacher. Their influence is too often overlooked.
Nancy Sager says
Great example. I agree that being a teacher is one of the most important means of helping untold hundreds of our children. And, remember, they are our future. How will they become the happy, self confident leaders of tomorrow if they do not have a chance to feel the love and encouragement of our teachers.
Meg says
Great post, Joshua, and great timing–a lot of people need the self-confidence to buck the pressures of consumerism and ridiculously high expectations during the holidays. It’s a hard thing to do without the courage of your convictions, belief in the validity of your beliefs.
Living the Balanced Life says
Comparing ourselves is a huge one. Especially in America and especially women. We tend to compare oursleves to others who are “perfect” therefore we feel inferior and can’t measure up. We need to be real. Stop putting on the “perfect” face. If we were all more honest and authentic, we would be more comfortable being ourselves around others.
Bernice
http://livingthebalancedlife.com/2010/whatever-is-is/
Rich McCarthy says
You’re brought up to believe the American Dream is working your way up the ladder, getting the big house and fancy car. When you decide to break away from the norm, the resistance you get from family and friends can shake your confidence. Thanks for the tips on gaining self-confidence, we all need a boost sometimes.
David Damron says
Finding a purpose, committing full faith and effort, acknowledging the accomplishment,and learning from all that we do, I feel, is a great approach to building one’s self confidence.
One of my major struggles with my own self confidence is appreciating that of which I have done when I have accomplished it before moving on to the next goal.Often I continue to strive without appreciating be now.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic Joshua.
David Damron
LifeExcursion