This past week, I repeatedly noticed an article being passed around by my parent friends. The column is from the New York Times and titled, “When Children Say ‘I Can’t,’ but They Can, and Adults Know It.”
It’s good, short, and helpful—I recommend it. The article offers ideas for parents to identify “faked incompetence” in their children and provides strategies to overcome it.
Faked incompetence is one of those pesky little behaviors in children that can become significant drawbacks in their potential as adults. I’ve always worked hard to push against it in my children’s lives (particularly for my daughter). So I was anxious to read the column and pass it along.
One day after reading the parenting article, I received an email from a woman I had never met. Specifically, she was asking for advice on how to get out of debt.
In her email, she made this telling statement, “My husband thinks debt is inevitable and not a choice. He thinks it is the only way to survive and he can’t see a way out.”
I assured her, “There are millions of families who live without massive consumer debt. We are one of them. It is entirely possible and you can absolutely do it.”
As I typed out the words, I recalled the article I had read the previous day. False incompetence is not just a child-problem, it is an adult-problem. And we see it all around us in the statements we hear from others and tell ourselves:
- I can’t live debt-free.
- I can’t quit smoking.
- I can’t cook.
- I wish I could spend more time with my kids, but I just can’t.
- I can’t find a different job.
- I can’t save for retirement.
- I can’t declutter my home.
- I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…
If you think you can’t, you won’t. If you’ve already resigned yourself to defeat, you’ll never experience victory.
But this false incompetence can be defeated as quickly as it can be learned. The first and most important step in making any positive change in your life is to believe it is possible. Because without that belief, there is no first step.
Every positive change you desire for your life starts with two words.
Replace “I can’t,” with “I can.”
You can live debt-free. You can quit smoking. You can learn to cook. You can become a better parent. You can, you can, you can!
Consider as an example, living clutter-free.
Most of us know it is entirely possible to live in a clutter-free environment. We see others live a simpler, clutter-free life and desire it for ourselves. Some have even taken significant steps to realize it.
But others of you are not so sure. Your house has been cluttered for so long, you have almost given up all hope of ever living any other way.
For you, the first step to living in a clutter-free home is to take heart and simply believe it is possible. Realize you will never get there if you do not resolve in your mind that you can accomplish it. Find hope in the example of others. And then, take one small step forward. Replace “I can’t” with ” I can.”
Often times in our world, people search for quick-fixes or hidden knowledge. As if those who have accomplished something have more information than they are sharing. And while this may be the case in some highly-competitive industries, I have not seen this to be true in the simplicity movement. Most of us genuinely desire others to find the same freedom and joy living simply that we have experienced. And we don’t hold anything back.
But if there is one secret formula to living simple and clutter-free that I have noticed, it is this: we all believed it was possible. We knew the path might be difficult and time-consuming at times. But we knew victory could be found and clutter could be conquered. It was true for me. And it can be true for you.
I’ll say that again, it can be true of you.
Faked and/or false incompetence is not just a childhood behavior that parents need to identify and address. It is a people-problem that keeps many of us from implementing the positive life changes we desire.
As adults, we need to identify and overcome it ourselves.
Bette says
I’ve read this post every day for almost a year now. It truly changed my life.
I never realized how often I said “I can’t.” I can’t find a new job, I can’t spend more time with my children, I can’t get out of debt.
My eyes partially opened when I learned to replace “I can’t” with “I choose not to.” Wow! I choose NOT to find a new job, I choose NOT to spend time with my children, etc. This put a whole new spin on things.
But, I didn’t fully realize what was what until I read this post on faked incompetence. I am working hard to change “I can’t” to “I can” and “I will.”
Re-reading this post until it became a part of me was a huge first step. Thank you!
Thea Dunlap says
This is such a wonderfully written article. I sometimes give up easily even the smallest of things. But this post really inspired me to believe in myself more. :) Well done
Eric Ungs says
This is great Joshua, to point it out in our adult life as well. From my own personal journey of self growth over the past three years that has changed my life (one that I am still on and will be…) and to the concurrent journey I am traveling of becoming debt free requires to very distinct (but not secret) things. One, is the vision and mindset of that it can be done. It’s first changing the lens in which you see your “I can’ts” and envisioning the end result, your goal. And two, action and hard work. None of this is ever easy. It’s a daily grind. Our society has taken the ‘silver bullet’ approach. What’s that one thing that I can do that will change everything without any effort? We don’t have magic wands. There are no silver bullets and to the opposite of what most people think, there are no secret answers. It’s just the belief that you can and that MUST be followed with action and hard work, every day. What’s beautiful is when these two occur, it’s soon realized that the destination becomes the journey. The work, the feeling, the emotion becomes the motivator; keeping your goal in mind. Thanks for sharing that article.
pat says
The ‘I can’ts’ held me back from running some large hills on my running path. I didn’t think I could make it up them so I would walk. One day I decided I will go as far as I could up those hills. Before I knew it I was over to the other side. I realized it wasn’t the actual ‘hills’ holding me back. It was my fears, doubts, and weaknesses that held me back. Now I run right over those hills. I think about those same challenges in the rest of my life and what holds back are just excuses.
Janet says
Truer words were never spoken. All too often these days, the phrase “I can’t” is a code word for “I choose not to because it would be too difficult”. Hippie hokum or New-Age nonsense? Au contraire! It’s the ultimate in old-school, small-c conservative thought, i.e., exercise some self-control and watch how many of your “insurmountable” problems either vanish or become quite manageable. And you develop a stronger character in the bargain.
Jessica - Living with Intention says
I used to think that positive affirmations were “woo woo” and ineffective. Then I fully committed to trying this “positive thinking” everyone was raving about. It felt fake. And then it changed my life.
L.D. Sewell says
People can do amazing things when they are motivated and want to bad enough. Getting out of debt is one example – everyone who decides to do so can live a debt free life if they choose to. The real question is whether they want to bad enough to get up and go do it or not.
DeAnna says
Our family operates a little differently than most. We homeschool, don’t eat out much, have cheap phones, no cable….etc. When someone learns about how we live I always hear “I couldn’t do that or live like that” Well, they could if they wanted to but the don’t want to. So instead of saying can’t, I think people should just say that don’t want to. It seems more pleasing to me. I choose what to do and not do. It has nothing to do with wether I can do it but instead with what I choose. I am trying to teach my kids not say “I can’t” but rather “I choose not to at this time” And just because they choose not to at this time doesn’t mean they won’t change their minds.