This past week, I repeatedly noticed an article being passed around by my parent friends. The column is from the New York Times and titled, “When Children Say ‘I Can’t,’ but They Can, and Adults Know It.”
It’s good, short, and helpful—I recommend it. The article offers ideas for parents to identify “faked incompetence” in their children and provides strategies to overcome it.
Faked incompetence is one of those pesky little behaviors in children that can become significant drawbacks in their potential as adults. I’ve always worked hard to push against it in my children’s lives (particularly for my daughter). So I was anxious to read the column and pass it along.
One day after reading the parenting article, I received an email from a woman I had never met. Specifically, she was asking for advice on how to get out of debt.
In her email, she made this telling statement, “My husband thinks debt is inevitable and not a choice. He thinks it is the only way to survive and he can’t see a way out.”
I assured her, “There are millions of families who live without massive consumer debt. We are one of them. It is entirely possible and you can absolutely do it.”
As I typed out the words, I recalled the article I had read the previous day. False incompetence is not just a child-problem, it is an adult-problem. And we see it all around us in the statements we hear from others and tell ourselves:
- I can’t live debt-free.
- I can’t quit smoking.
- I can’t cook.
- I wish I could spend more time with my kids, but I just can’t.
- I can’t find a different job.
- I can’t save for retirement.
- I can’t declutter my home.
- I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…
If you think you can’t, you won’t. If you’ve already resigned yourself to defeat, you’ll never experience victory.
But this false incompetence can be defeated as quickly as it can be learned. The first and most important step in making any positive change in your life is to believe it is possible. Because without that belief, there is no first step.
Every positive change you desire for your life starts with two words.
Replace “I can’t,” with “I can.”
You can live debt-free. You can quit smoking. You can learn to cook. You can become a better parent. You can, you can, you can!
Consider as an example, living clutter-free.
Most of us know it is entirely possible to live in a clutter-free environment. We see others live a simpler, clutter-free life and desire it for ourselves. Some have even taken significant steps to realize it.
But others of you are not so sure. Your house has been cluttered for so long, you have almost given up all hope of ever living any other way.
For you, the first step to living in a clutter-free home is to take heart and simply believe it is possible. Realize you will never get there if you do not resolve in your mind that you can accomplish it. Find hope in the example of others. And then, take one small step forward. Replace “I can’t” with ” I can.”
Often times in our world, people search for quick-fixes or hidden knowledge. As if those who have accomplished something have more information than they are sharing. And while this may be the case in some highly-competitive industries, I have not seen this to be true in the simplicity movement. Most of us genuinely desire others to find the same freedom and joy living simply that we have experienced. And we don’t hold anything back.
But if there is one secret formula to living simple and clutter-free that I have noticed, it is this: we all believed it was possible. We knew the path might be difficult and time-consuming at times. But we knew victory could be found and clutter could be conquered. It was true for me. And it can be true for you.
I’ll say that again, it can be true of you.
Faked and/or false incompetence is not just a childhood behavior that parents need to identify and address. It is a people-problem that keeps many of us from implementing the positive life changes we desire.
As adults, we need to identify and overcome it ourselves.
Editor :) says
One day after reading the parenting article, I received an email from a woman I had never meant
Typo: met
joshua becker says
Sure enough. Thanks.
Dee Dee says
As a teaching assistant in kindergarten, the teacher and the students collectively brain storm and create an “I can” statement for each center. The expectations are concise and precise. For instance, in the library nook. “I can chose a just right for me book” and “I can remain seated on the carpet.” “I can choose one reading buddy”
These small doable instructions allow the children to follow directions without being told what the are not able to do.
I have taken this one step further in my personal life, when faced with a seemingly daunting task, I break the task down into small parts in which I can truthfully say “I can” to. I can’t clean the house today turns into I can clean the kitchen. Breaking a large long term desire into small “I can” pieces help me to string along successes and make me more comfortable and confident in the “I cans”. Still far from perfect, I choose to flip my thinking from “I can’t” to “I can” Thanks for the article. I applaud your attitude and effort in overcoming the obstacles in your your life.
Krista says
I love this – I am all about progress over perfection and finding “partial solutions” rather than giving up. It also illustrates how a rather simple mind-shift can lead to real transformation.
Ankit says
Hi Joshua,
This is a great advice. However I approach it in a different way, whenever I get shrouded in self doubt of I can’t I make it a challenge by saying ” I have to … no matter what.”
A little extreme but this approach is helping my nephew as i challenge him to whatever he says “I can’t”
Emma - a simple living journey says
So much this. I have, for most of my adult life, shrugged off paperwork. Ignored it put it aside and groaned about it. Even though knowing deep down I was being a lazy sloth when I am quite capable of sucking it up and getting on with it.
But this year consistency is my goal in all that I do, doing less but being more consistent throughout it. De-cluttering paperwork and prioritizing the important stuff. Minimalism/simple living is about taking responsibility of all facets of my life and creating them to be a place that reflects my values. I cant make paperwork go away but the things it involves are of value of me, so it has gone up my list of priorities.
I have totally been adulting my way through my recent paperwork, phone calls, calendars, schedules, appointments and so forth. ;)
jules says
“…totally adulting my way through…” I LOVE this!
Tony W says
Many have read the study where monkeys or subjects were held in a room. When they tried to climb and obstical (I may not be telling it exact) they were punished with an electric shock. So they settled for the crappy food and stopped trying.
When they removed the subjects except for one and added new subjects the one that was there earlier taught the new comers not to even try to get the better food because of the punishment.
The new comers never even tried for fear of a punishment they have never seen or experienced.
I guess that is a form of Faked Incompetence going real. There may not have been any punishment but the new subjects were taught that there was and never even tried to do better.
Wendy says
I love reading your blog !
Sacil says
Thank you for this post and the timing. I’m currently decluttering a room in my home and was just thinking, “This is impossible!” and about to push stuff back into place. But I took a break to check email first and read your post. I’m going back in there and get rid of the stuff that’s weighing me down. Thank you!
joshua becker says
Awesome!
Jen Christie says
Thanks for this post, being reminded of the power of believing (which works both positively and negitively), can empower those who hear that message to a life that is more abundant, more peaceful, and more vibrant. One of the things taught in the ministry I attend is the 4 D’s of deliverance. Decision 1st, Desire builds, Details become clear, Deliverance follows. But it all starts with the I CAN DO attitude. Thanks again for all you DO to bring solutions for a positive life to others!!!
kim says
Oh my, what a great blog entry to have read. It’s very true we can do more than we would have ever thought. I experience the limitations and being able to overcome them when I remind myself I can.
Thanks for writing out the obvious.