This past week, I repeatedly noticed an article being passed around by my parent friends. The column is from the New York Times and titled, “When Children Say ‘I Can’t,’ but They Can, and Adults Know It.”
It’s good, short, and helpful—I recommend it. The article offers ideas for parents to identify “faked incompetence” in their children and provides strategies to overcome it.
Faked incompetence is one of those pesky little behaviors in children that can become significant drawbacks in their potential as adults. I’ve always worked hard to push against it in my children’s lives (particularly for my daughter). So I was anxious to read the column and pass it along.
One day after reading the parenting article, I received an email from a woman I had never met. Specifically, she was asking for advice on how to get out of debt.
In her email, she made this telling statement, “My husband thinks debt is inevitable and not a choice. He thinks it is the only way to survive and he can’t see a way out.”
I assured her, “There are millions of families who live without massive consumer debt. We are one of them. It is entirely possible and you can absolutely do it.”
As I typed out the words, I recalled the article I had read the previous day. False incompetence is not just a child-problem, it is an adult-problem. And we see it all around us in the statements we hear from others and tell ourselves:
- I can’t live debt-free.
- I can’t quit smoking.
- I can’t cook.
- I wish I could spend more time with my kids, but I just can’t.
- I can’t find a different job.
- I can’t save for retirement.
- I can’t declutter my home.
- I can’t, I can’t, I can’t…
If you think you can’t, you won’t. If you’ve already resigned yourself to defeat, you’ll never experience victory.
But this false incompetence can be defeated as quickly as it can be learned. The first and most important step in making any positive change in your life is to believe it is possible. Because without that belief, there is no first step.
Every positive change you desire for your life starts with two words.
Replace “I can’t,” with “I can.”
You can live debt-free. You can quit smoking. You can learn to cook. You can become a better parent. You can, you can, you can!
Consider as an example, living clutter-free.
Most of us know it is entirely possible to live in a clutter-free environment. We see others live a simpler, clutter-free life and desire it for ourselves. Some have even taken significant steps to realize it.
But others of you are not so sure. Your house has been cluttered for so long, you have almost given up all hope of ever living any other way.
For you, the first step to living in a clutter-free home is to take heart and simply believe it is possible. Realize you will never get there if you do not resolve in your mind that you can accomplish it. Find hope in the example of others. And then, take one small step forward. Replace “I can’t” with ” I can.”
Often times in our world, people search for quick-fixes or hidden knowledge. As if those who have accomplished something have more information than they are sharing. And while this may be the case in some highly-competitive industries, I have not seen this to be true in the simplicity movement. Most of us genuinely desire others to find the same freedom and joy living simply that we have experienced. And we don’t hold anything back.
But if there is one secret formula to living simple and clutter-free that I have noticed, it is this: we all believed it was possible. We knew the path might be difficult and time-consuming at times. But we knew victory could be found and clutter could be conquered. It was true for me. And it can be true for you.
I’ll say that again, it can be true of you.
Faked and/or false incompetence is not just a childhood behavior that parents need to identify and address. It is a people-problem that keeps many of us from implementing the positive life changes we desire.
As adults, we need to identify and overcome it ourselves.
Jan Ramsey Brick says
Words of truth from one of my favorite childhood books.
“I think I can. I think I can. I think I can.”
Thank you Joshua for your amazing insight as always. :)
Ginny Pokorny says
My thoughts exactly! It was a favorite of mine as well.
Hayley Richardson // The French Experiment says
Haha me too Jan. I remember one of the dad’s at school telling us to chant this while we were running cross country. One of those ones that annoyed me at the time, but such a valuable lesson to take with you.
Shraddha says
Thanks Joshua.. Thanks a tonne.. Your articles always manage to lift me up through my beliefs.. and I have come a long way .. ever since i have started my simplicity journey.. and i never want to go back to those habits or beliefs again..
Jeff Mc Clung says
I’ve struggled with my weight for most of my life. One of my new year’s resolutions has been to lose weight. It’s been a difficult and slow process. Today I was feeling pretty hopeless about the situation. As I sat down to do some work I came across this post and it encouraged me to keep going. I can lose weight. Thank you for the encouragement, Joshua.
Hilda says
Best of luck, Jeff!
Jeff Mc Clung says
Thank you Hilda!
joshua becker says
Absolutely you can do it. No doubt even saying (or typing) it out loud will offer you further resolve and motivation.
Jeff Mc Clung says
Thanks Joshua. I appreciate it!
Tammy says
You can do it! That was my resolution last year. After years of thinking “I can’t” lose weight, I decided “I’m just going to get to business and do it – because I can” and you know what? I did! Only a few months later I was down to my adult weight low and in the best shape of my life. You can do it! I takes discipline, mostly with food, but you can do it. Learn to love healthy food and cut unnecessary portions, and you will succeed! Then throw in some fun exercise and you are golden :)
Dan Erickson says
This is true and an age-old message. I think of “The Little Engine Who Could.” As a child victim of a cult who was raised in poverty, I’ve said “I can” and have come a long way. I’ve accomplished all the things on your list but “live debt-free.” Well, I have lived debt-free, I’m not now. But that takes time. I can.
Sonja says
My father had a three word response to my “I can’t”. It was: “Then learn it”.
It turned out to be an empowering message in several ways. First, it instilled the confidence in me that just about anything can be learned to some degree. I will never be a figure skating champion, but I can learn enough to have a good time. Second, learning a task is a process with failures along the way. My father taught me that with enough grit we can improve whatever we apply ourselves to. And the third message is to accept delayed gratification.
I will definitely pass the message on to my son, too.
Rosanna says
This is a very great read! My husband and I are on our way to being entirely out of debt (including our mortgage) and we didn’t make a ton of money. We just choose to believe that “we can.” Of course, we also put an actionable plan into place to make it happen. Now, I just need to put this same idea into place in my business. I have believe the lie my entire life that if you are a stay at home Mom you can’t. It is a tough belief to overcome.
Kellen says
“I can” within the confines of a system in which 62 people own more wealth than the rest of the world combined sounds like hippie hokum. Sorry. It also offers zero analysis of the system under which debt is forced upon the working class.
Elizabeth says
I don’t believe that this website ever promised the sort of analysis you seek. Again, I’m unsure as to why you read this blog.
Adam Funderburk says
Hi Kellen,
The world will never be “fixed”; it simply is what it is. Focusing on everything outside of oneself is a great way to avoiding working on the only thing within our power: our own thoughts and actions.
Ali Davies says
Agree, it all starts with believing in hte possibility and making a decision and commitment to find a way. We made a decision many years ago to live free of consumer debt. And for us, it is about the freedom that gives, in so many ways and on so many different levels.
Lisa says
I’m trying to convince my husband that there is a way to be debt free through his doctorate. I’m just not sure how that might look!
joshua becker says
Maybe it at least looks like “less debt” than you automatically assumed.
John P. Weiss says
Joshua- This is a great message for a culture that often embraces a sort of learned helplessness. We are capable of a great deal, to the point we might just surprise ourselves. And it all begins with banishing that overused excuse “I can’t.” We become what we believe.
Kellen says
Isn’t “I can” just bourgeois rhetoric?
Dan Erickson says
No. It’s not. Anybody can who puts their mind to it. I was raised poor, and a child victim of a cult. I still struggle, I but I have quit smoking and drinking. I have decluttered. I’m a single dad and I do spend more time with my kid than many parents. I went to college at age 30 and got a job as a college prof. I’ve written several books, hundreds of songs and I operate two blogs. I’m not the bourgeois. I’m the proletariat. Still, I said “I can” and I have.
lynn says
link to your blog and books?
Janet says
Bravo, John! I was told many years ago that it wasn’t necessary for a woman to go to college (and there wasn’t any money in my family to help me out). I decided that was bad advice and found a way to go all the way through graduate school by working and attending weekend classes. Got a great job too when I was done, too.
I guess I would have been defeated – and been degree-less – if I spent my time nursing envy of others who were given the money by their families or any other institution.
Janet says
Sorry, I meant Dan!
joshua becker says
“To the point we might just surprise ourselves.” Well said John.
Hayley Richardson // The French Experiment says
“We become what we believe” – I couldn’t agree more. Thank you for this timely reminder Joshua, and for that nugget of gold in your comment John. Kudos Dan, your story is inspiring.