“We refuse to turn off our computers, turn off our phone, log off Facebook, and just sit in silence, because in those moments we might actually have to face up to who we really are.” —Jefferson Bethke
Recently, Allison Slater Tate wrote an important article in the Washington Post: Parenting as a Gen Xer: We’re the first generation of parents in the age of iEverything.
Allison articulates and draws attention to a unique struggle facing our generation of parents. Namely, how to raise children in an age of technology.
She sums up our current challenge like this:
My generation, it seems, had the last of the truly low-tech childhoods, and now we are among the first of the truly high-tech parents…
When it comes to parenting, I find this middle place extremely uncomfortable, because I know what childhood and adolescence were like before the Internet, but all my parenting models came from that era…
Technology wins the prize for being the trickiest parenting challenge I have faced.
Parents today know the decisions we make for our kids concerning technology are important—but entirely without context. (tweet that)
Our conversations on the sidelines at soccer games about these issues are never based on proven experience (When I was a kid, my mom used to…). Instead, it is based on guesswork and the little wisdom we have gained (Well, this is what we have decided to do. What about you guys?).
Allison summarizes it well, “ What we are doing is unprecedented—no study yet knows exactly what this iChildhood will look like when our children are full grown people.”
There are no proven answers to the questions we are asking. That’s what makes this so difficult. Well, that, and the fact that even the questions are changing at an alarming rate.
But a conversation about technology addiction is one we should be having. Not because we will all choose to parent the same, but because there is wisdom in numbers. And the more intentionality we apply to our parenting the better.
I would like to start. My children are both teenagers.
Here are 9 important strategies we have sought to implement raising children in an age of technology:
1. Technology is not discouraged in our home. Technology, it appears, is going to be around for quite awhile. Our kids will need the skills in the future—they already do in the present. Parenting is not about shielding our children from the tools of the world, but equipping them to use those tools properly.
We should be active and intentional in teaching them how to use technology effectively and to its fullest potential. In practical terms, this means both of my children received iPods on their 7th birthday. And they will receive phones on their 13th.
2. Moderation is encouraged and modeled. While we know very little about the future of technology and how it might look, we do have ample study on the effects of screen time on kids: Studies have shown that excessive media use can lead to attention problems, school difficulties, sleep and eating disorders, and obesity. Most recently, The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends television and other entertainment media should be avoided entirely for infants and children under age 2.
For older kids, “To help them make wise media choices, parents should monitor their media diet for both duration and content.” We have adopted a similar philosophy to the one mentioned by Allison, “We make the children sit in public places when they are on devices or laptops, we look over shoulders, we check text message histories and set parental controls. We worry about their cyber footprints.”
3. Age restrictions on technology are an appropriate guideline. The minimum age for Facebook / Instagram is 13 years old. We are not allowing our kids to have accounts on those networks (or others) before the minimum age limit is reached. While some kids under the age of 13 may be mature enough to use the networks wisely, there is a bigger issue at play—honesty. When we allow our children to misrepresent their age/identity solely for the purpose of gaining access, we set a dangerous precedent.
4. Technology is changing the way we relate to one another, but face-to-face conversation is still important in the present (and will likely be important in the future). Technology is permanently changing the way we communicate—whether it is for the better or not remains to be seen. Older generations will argue technology is destroying conversation, younger generations will argue technology is enhancing it. Only time will tell.
But either way, our children will forever live in a world where their immediate elders (parents) respect and expect verbal conversation. Future generations may value it less. But in the meantime, for our children to be successful in communicating with older generations, they must be able to communicate both online and in-person. We should create safe opportunities where they can learn.
5. Technology increases opportunity for distraction. From leaving present conversations, procrastinating important work, or losing the ability to self-reflect, technology represents an ever-present temptation to leave difficult places. Those who will succeed in the future will be the ones who learn to overcome this temptation.
6. Technology can be used for consumption or creation. Choose creation whenever possible. This is, perhaps, one of the most important distinctions concerning technology that we can teach our children. We can play video games… or we can create them. We can browse Facebook… or we can create places and communities that serve a purpose. There is a place in our world for technological consumption—but as an approach to life, creation trumps consumption every day. Help your children know the difference.
7. Your self-worth can not be calculated by likes and shares and retweets. The praise of others is a fickle thing upon which to measure our worth. It is a foolish, ever-changing target. It often negatively impacts the decisions we make and the life we choose to live, but it never fully satisfies our hearts or our souls. It is important for our kids to understand their self-worth must be found elsewhere. And it is equally important for us as adults to learn the same.
8. You can’t believe everything you see on the Internet. The Internet could use more fact checkers—though I am not overly concerned about this. My elementary-aged kids already debate whether Wikipedia is a reliable source for school projects. Far more damaging, in my opinion, are the profiles we create representing ourselves online. We post our most glorious moments online, but hide the most painful. We build a facade of happiness, success, and an image of having it all together. But inside, we are as lost and broken as the next person.
Our online selves need more authenticity. And our children need to know the danger of comparing themselves to the rose-colored profiles created on social media.
9. Technology serves a purpose. It should solve problems. Purchasing technology purely for the sake of owning technology is a fool’s gold—and has run countless others into great debt. When it comes to buying (or using) technology, I want my children to be routinely asking the question, “What problem does it solve?” Because technology should make our lives easier and more efficient. And if a new technology is not solving an existing problem, it is only adding to them.
Parenting requires a healthy balance of humility and fierce resolve.
Are there any important strategies you have implemented with your kids that you think are important to add?
Prasanth says
Good lessons learned
Ben Shirley says
I’m just getting started with my kids ages almost 1 and 3, but something that I’ve always tried to do with my niece and nephew and plan to try with my kids is to make screen time something that you do together with other people so it is more engaging, interactive, and stimulating. I think the biggest danger in technology addiction comes with the isolation of staring at a screen by yourself for hours and not creating anything but rather consuming. Some of my fondest childhood memories were spent playing video games together with friends and brothers, taking turns, cooperating, competing, and then spinning off the ideas into building things with legos etc. The idea can also be applied to watching tv or movies, sitting together and having some running conversation with kids can be great. “Why do you think that character did that? Does that make any sense?” It can really make watching commercials more fun. “What you you think they are trying to sell us? Do you think you’d be that happy if you had that thing?”
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George says
Hey Joshua, this is a great post! I’d say #6 was my favorite point that you made, technology allows us to create or it is there to consume our time.
There’s no denying the great power and potential that technology has, and more importantly, there’s no denying the power and potential every individual has to use technology to enhance their life.
You and your website are proof of how much potential technology has to take our lives to another level.
With great power comes great responsibility, and there is no better example of this than technology. We can take control of technology to do amazing things during our time, or we can allow technology to control us in a viscous cycle of updating a Facebook feed.
Technology, like life, is what you make it. Thank you for this eye-opening post!
Sajid Hussain says
Hi Bob and every reader out there ,
i ready about minimalist and de-clutter related articles.
and that’s what attracted my attention , i have recently moved to my new apartment and I’m blessed with a new born.
But with this new responsibility I got innumerable new challenges to deal with the Clutter. As me and my wife plans to declutter and organise things we get another huge chunk of clutter pouring in our empty spaces.
As for facebook I would like to confess that I met my first girlfreind online via facebook and I met my wife via facebook.
and many new freinds so on and so forth.
As for keeping an eye on activities of new ones on facebook yes I strongly agree on this. and would like to ancourage other parents too
spy in such a way that your kids should not come to know but
if they are caught while indulging in something wrong please don’t punish them nor humuliate them rather counsel and discuss with them. what do you feel Bob ?
Bob Pepe says
It is a delicate balance and dance when it comes to trusting your kids with technology. I did “spy” a little at first, but not grabbing the phone everyday. I did tell my kids that I reserved the right to check there phone at anytime. What I found on the phone were kids doing stupid kid things… I did see some things that I didn’t like but did not reach the level of it being dangerous to my child, so I didn’t say anything..
I teach them that ANYTHING that you put on the internet is available to everybody, anytime, and deleting it is folly and almost a waste of time… I tell them that before they do anything on the internet to ask themselves this simple question… “Is what I am about to post OK for EVERYBODY in the world to see it”?… because if the answer is no, than they should not post it……
S says
I think this is a great article. We are certainly raising kids in a very different world from the one we were raised in, however, it seems that more often than not most children even in the early or mid teen stage just want the phone for the purpose of fitting in.
In all honesty, if parents have to monitor the daily activity on a teens phone, it probably means that they aren’t ready for it. Most no matter how well we advice them, aren’t ready. It just adds another distraction to the quality of our daily lives. There are so many wonderful & positive things to having an iPhone as adults, however, more often than not it gets misused by kids, even more so over used & parents battle having to take it away when it is abused.
I’d rather keep my life & my kids lives as simple as possible, at least until they’ve mastered the navigation skills of getting their drivers license, applied for a job & save their own money to pay for their own phone this way they can truly understand the responsibility & accountability that comes with having one.
Julie Kieras says
In our family, we as parents are high-tech, but our kids are low-tech until they are older. That’s just my way of managing technology in the early years and we’ll have to monitor and adjust as we move forward.
let’s not forget… most of US did not have regular access to computers growing up, perhaps not even until college (depending on your age, I am late 30’s)? And yet, most of us are savvy and proficient users of today’s technology, no problem. There’s this big push to get young children immersed in technology from preschool up, and I don’t think that is necessary for success. Especially today, technology is so intuitive, I believe children will do well even if they pick it up at a later age than their peers.
stj says
Could you recommend an app to block downloading of facebook and snapchat type things.
stj says
Could you recommend an app to block my kids from installing apps like face book and snapchat.
Naomi says
A brilliant and thoughtful post. For me, I just try to apply one principle to technology- Live simply, so that others can simply Live. If I need it- need it for work OR relaxation then yes, it’s in.
Hope says
A couple of points for whatever they are worth.
I teach in college, and most of my students are sophomores.
1. They are techy users but horrible at such programs as Word or Excel. If they are good at using Facebook it does not mean they are productive.
2. I asked students what they did over summer that was really fun. 90% said that they were in remote location with no cell coverage, and they loved it. If your child is overwhelmed could it be that he/she is very tired of being followed by an icrowd all the time. All of us need a place to be still. Some teens might not realize it.
3. They are very much used to “I emailed, I need an answer – now.” I am getting to the point that it’s too much. They need to understand that I do not want to be followed by the icrowd of my students all the time. Think about their potential employers in the future.
Laura says
I am happy to shield my children (7, 5, 3) from screens at home. They get loads of screen time at school, friends houses, grandparents house.