Note: This is a guest post from Denaye Barahona of Simple Families and the Simple Families Podcast.
As a child, I had the type of closet that you opened at your own risk. Because when you opened that door, only God knew what barrage of toys, clothes, and “stuff” would come barreling forth. I didn’t know it then, but as a kid–I needed minimalism.
I always said, “I am just messy, period.” Like it was some kind of personality trait: Messy. Cluttered. Overwhelmed. Anxious.
As a kid 30 years ago, I needed minimalism. But today…for my kids? Minimalism is essential.
I grew up in the time before Amazon and one-click ordering. This was the time before snack-catchers existed for children to carry around snacks and mindlessly eat around the clock. The time before kids needed iPads hanging over their carseats to survive a trip. The time before you could get virtually anything on television at a moment’s notice.
The kids of today need minimalism more than ever.
Childhood of today is beyond messy and cluttered. It’s chaotic. Research shows us the way we are raising kids in America today causes stress and anxiety to overwhelm both children and parents alike. As parents, we have so much going on that we have resorted to “convenience parenting” to hold it all together. If your kids won’t sit down for a meal, there’s a device for that. If your kids won’t ride quietly in the car, there’s an app for that.
As parents, we just try to survive. We struggle to hold it all together. Because it’s consuming. It’s heavy.
Raising kids today is heavier than any parent can handle.
I know this because I have two young children. They inherited my eyes and my hair. But they didn’t inherit my messy, overwhelmed traits. That is because “overwhelmed” is not a life sentence. It’s a choice–and I have made intentional choices for my kids and my family.
I have chosen to trade chaos for calm.
Not only is calm possible, but it’s also good for our children and our families. In my uncluttered, calm grown-up life, I have a Ph.D. in Child Development. I specialize in Family Wellness. I know what a young child needs to grow, develop, and thrive. And I know a few things about what it takes to bring harmony and happiness to a family unit.
So what’s the secret? Minimalism.
Minimalism isn’t just about getting rid of all your stuff (although I have done some of that too–and it’s pretty amazing). It’s about focusing your family on what really matters in life.
Joshua defines minimalism as “the intentional promotion of the things we most value and the removal of everything that distracts us from it.” In raising my kids as minimalists, I am doing just that.
I am trading the status quo of American childhood by choosing a specific value set for my children:
I Choose Gratitude
I am trading an abundance of holiday gifts for gratitude. My kids don’t get much in the way of wrapped, tangible gifts. Birthdays are about celebrating life. Valentine’s Day is about love. Easter is about religion. Christmas is about family. Life, love, religion, family–those are the real gifts. Wrapped gifts can mask the importance of the real gifts.
I Choose Family
I am trading three nights per week of kid’s activities for family dinners. Kids who eat dinner with family have higher levels of academic achievement and improved psychological well-being. I am a huge fan of underscheduling. There is nothing I love more than an evening or weekend with nothing planned. Because “nothing” is not nothing. “Nothing” means more time to intimately connect with family.
I Choose Health
I am trading boxes of prepared food with animated characters for locally grown produce. Research shows that the eating habits we instill in our children from the earliest days makes a lasting impact on the years to come. I skip the Goldfish crackers and the Bunny Fruit Snacks. My kids don’t eat all day long. This means they don’t carry snacks around the house or munch in their car seats. They sit down at the table and eat real food.
I Choose the Outdoors
I am trading screen time for outdoor play. I refuse to let my kids be sedentary. Playing outdoors offers children ample opportunity to exercise, learn respect for the environment, and appreciate natural beauty. By dialing back the screen time for kids, I can create more opportunities for active play that challenges my children’s social and motor skills. Kids (and adults) need to get up and get outside.
I Choose Conscious Consumerism
I am trading Amazon’s one-click ordering for buying intentionally. We think before we buy. We choose to fill our home with things we love, things that are beautiful, and things that are necessary. Plastic toys from the most recent hit movie don’t make the cut. Instead we choose classic, sustainable toys that will last for years. Toys that can be used for open-ended play by children of all ages, genders, and interests. Children grow up too fast, let’s choose toys that will grow with them.
I Choose Calm
By choosing minimalism, I am trading chaos for calm. I am my children’s first teacher. I am my children’s biggest role model. It all starts with me. I am making choices for my children that will impact their childhood and entire life in the years to come.
What are you choosing for your family?
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Denaye Barahona is a Motherhood Coach. You can find her podcast and blog at Simple Families.
Dotene says
As a new grandmother, I love TIME SPENT with my grandson. To watch and learn thru his eyes is my fountain of youth. I get to relive TIME SPENT with my two sons who are grown.
Gods nature is the most beautiful playground! As the child’s hearing developes ~ teach them to listen to the birds, feel the wind blow, see the sky is blue and the moon can be full. Things money can’t buy. I want to thank my daughter-in-law, Tiffany, for sharing the article with those you love. I love you. Dotene
Liz says
This is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing this. I love my son’s grandma (my mother-in-law) but she showers him with toys/gifts on a nearly weekly basis, and I want him to cherish her for their time spent together, not because she buys him things!
Judy says
I think it’s all about balance. Yes— growing up, I played outside all around the neighborhood for hours upon hours. In retrospect… I am lucky to be here and I know God’s hand was with me! It wasn’t a safe neighborhood @@
Perhaps because of where I grew up, I am a bit more paranoid.
Is it possible that some parents would rather have their kids inside the house for the most part because they are safe? They build a world around the home with video games and toys, etc. ???
Just a thought—- :)
Job says
Agreed. I’m just trying to keep the kids safe learning, and entertained at home.
Lana says
Great article. We try our best to do this with our 4 year old son. He gets only one present only for his birthday and Christmas and nothing else in between. Lots of books though. He’s had a first birthday party only which was really a milestone for us as parents. No party since then but knows how much he is loved and celebrated on his birthday and everyday.
Cathy says
For my son’s 4th birthday last year, instead of gifts, his friends each brought 3 Euros which they put into a birthday piggie bank. My son used this money to buy one “special” present. When we bought the present, we took a picture of him playing with it and sent it to everyone with a short thank-you e-mail. My son was happy with his gift and we were also happy because we didn’t have a surplus of “stuff” kicking around our small apartment.
Dnclvrgirl says
How did you word that invite? I have been wanting to do this but haven’t figured out how to get others on board.
Rika says
YES! I might just add that we give our kids experiences for their birthdays: special train rides or visits to the zoo. The kind of experience we don’t want to afford on a regular basis and the kind we can do as a family.
Liz says
This is a great idea! I want to start something like this before my kids are old enough to really start associating birthdays/holidays with consumerism. I want their birthdays to be a special “me” day, not filled with plastic toys that will soon be forgotten.
Ashley says
Loved this! Convicting but thoughtfully and humbly written from the heart. Everything makes so much sense. I have 2 & 4-year-olds and am 6 months along with our third. Due to a rough pregnancy, I regret that our current screen time is higher at the moment than I’d care to admit. This will change – it NEEDS to! I hate how it affects them.
I do have a question!! I’d love some input/ideas on sustainable toys. I’m constantly donating their unused toys/gadgets. (Family always dotes with cluttersome nickknacks… ugh.)
Thanks again for the solid read.
Daikuro @ SimplicityBlogger.com says
I guess kids are not taught that for it is not part of the dominant culture of our society. We see it all the time during Christmas and birthdays in movies – kids get a lot of gifts and stuff. They equate stuff with happiness. And this does not even stop until they reach their teenage years. It is therefore important to educate them early on. This way, they’ll realize that life’s value is not in ‘stuff’.
vicky says
Parents who need to have the newset of everything. Its sad that so many children can’t entertain themselves in the car or when dining out. We have replaced singing and reading, coloring etc. With electronics as entertainment, then wonder why they gave the attention spans of gnats at school.
Tina Bliss says
It’s not just parents , it’s the pressures that we get from our kids and their peers.
Lisa says
I agree here! I refuse to get my daughter an i- phone in middle school. I’m not giving into the outside influences. Middle school students are not socially mature enough to have such a device. Yet alone handle the stranger danger it causes. What are these parents thinking? Or are they not?
She went to a game at school and all her friends were on their phones at the game, really! My husband and I discuss whether or not have her friends put it away when they are over so they can learn to just play. I’m at a loss
Suzanne says
Good for you and totally agree… the rule in my friend’s house is the parents have phones and then there’s one non smart phone for the teen kids to take turns having when they’re out on a date or something, then it goes back in the basket on top of the microwave when they get home. I think when kids can get a job to pay for their own phone (non smart of course) and all it’s services then that’s when they get to have a phone and not before. If you’re not old enough to pay for a phone yourself, you’re not old enough to have a phone, period.
Job says
And you’r kid probably wants a phone because everyone else is so involved in theirs that she can’t get anybody to talk with unless she’s part if their online world. It’s probably a big cycle. I see nothing wrong with having a phone basket by the door for freinds to hear their mom calling, but not be over gadgeted.
Gogo Buzz says
Amen Amen amen…will be sharing this post far and wide, hopefully sow seeds.Thank you.., so sensible, so practical, it makes me want to hang up my grandma boots and go back to being a mom again. I take this and make it part of my life. Bless you for sharing
Darya says
I would really like to see minimalism, for both adults and children become the norm.
“Life, love, religion, family–those are the real gifts. Wrapped gifts can mask the importance of the real gifts.” This is such a profound reality.
Great article!!!
Russ Taylor says
Some good, plain advice here.
Bonita says
I can see the benefits for the whole family. Less clutter, less stress. Less money spent on things. Maybe more spent on experiences or a parent needing to work a bit less. Our society is one of chaos and stress. Great article.
Tina Bliss says
Thank you for this great article! Easier said dibs done. We as parents are just as guilty. When our Daughter was four.. she wanted nothing more but to play games with us. Any board games, Amy face to face interaction was her favorites! So I did read to her a lot! Played I spy, singing, dancing, art etc… when she hits 11-12-13 we got her an iPhone, IPad, laptops, using our Computer to do homework. Things were changing so quickly like overnight! That’s how we all ended up playing with our iPhones, during hone time, outing time, in the car. I’m not talking about Television here,,and that’s another big problem that we’re having too. Anyway, our daughter room hasn’t been cleaned since December, and I remembered because I cleaned it for her! ???? We haven’t been truthful to her about getting her new dresser to put all her clothing away from the floor and from her bed. Cluttering is everywhere in her room. I’m failing as a wife and as a mother. This article reminding me that it’s not too late to fixed things and make a better family time for our family. Any suggestions please feel free to speak up.
Thank you!
Jennifer says
You aren’t failing as a wife and mother. I know how you feel because your comment has brought tears to my eyes. We can all make improvements but I assure there are many things you do right. You obviously care enough to look at where things could be better and that says a lot. Be kind to yourself – parenting is a hard hard job.
Tina Bliss says
Thank you for your comments and your empathy for me.
shila razlan says
You are not failing as a mom or a wife. Parenting these days are hard.
I did ‘Konmari’ (Japanese art of tidying up) and it did wonders in our life. It teaches us to keep.only what ‘spark joy’ in our life, and discard everything else.
Tina Bliss says
Thank you for your nice suggestion. I’ll look into that.
Liz says
You are not failing as a wife and mother!! You have a teenage girl! She is her own person. If she wants to have her room be totally messy then so be it (as long as there’s not moldy food or something lying around). All you can do at that age is lead by example, keeping the common spaces and your room relatively clutter-free. There will come a point when she’ll probably get annoyed at the mess (because she can’t find something she wants, or is embarrassed to have a friend over) and wants to clean it up herself. Don’t clean it for her. No teenager ever died from a messy room. Just let her be however she wants to be in there. (My kids are young, but I vividly remember being a teenage girl…my room was a total mess and my parents literally never even went in there…now I am a very clutter/mess-averse adult, just like both my parents always were!)
Job says
I’m going add a caveat to this comment. A messy room is her choice IF you’ve taught her how to de-clutter and that she can /has the right to choose to get rid of items with your permission. Sometimes the problem is too overwhelming for a kid to get their minds around the mess… that takes repeated training. I also never felt like i had right to get rid of things gifted to me or that my parents (etc.) purchased. Help her know what she can and can’t do (yes you can get rid of clothes that don’t fit right even if they’re brand new… and you thought you wanted it so much) and be with her while she cleans her room to help guide her.
Nancy says
No, you are not failing!!! This is a beautiful article, but a bit over-the-top. Reality is that we are not perfect. Love your children. Be thoughtful. We are not all Ph.D’s with perfect children and the patience of a saint.
Hula says
Yes good point that the writer is creating an ideal. As readers we can take inspiration instead of self judgement. Even noticing there is room for change is a baby step. Staying in the present with self compassion is equally important as striving for the goal of a minimalist life. We are who we are for a reason and gradually we can let go of what no longer serves us, such as clutter.
Laura says
You’re definitely not failing as a mother, you sound just like my mum was – played games with us all the time when we were little then let us be independent as teenagers. I had a super untidy room as a teenager even though my mum is a clean freak, but she left my room up to me as it was my personal space. The mess never did me any harm.
If you do want to reduce the clutter maybe you could talk to her about those in need and sort through everything and donate what she doesn’t use.