“I just don’t know what to do, Joshua. He never seems happy.” This statement by my friend grabbed my attention and I sat up straighter in my chair.
My friend is a few years older than me and, financially speaking, more successful in every way: more income, more cars, bigger house, more toys.
We were enjoying some wonderful food at a downtown restaurant and talking about marriage and parenting. At some point, our conversation turned to his elementary-aged son.
My friend’s face was showing visible frustration. “I don’t understand. He has a whole drawer full of video games, a bedroom full of action figures, and a whole entire room in our house completely dedicated to toys. But he never seems happy. He’s constantly telling me he’s bored.”
His attention began to shift. As is so often the case when it comes to parenting, he began thinking about his own childhood.
“When I was young,” he said, “my family didn’t have anything. I mean, Joshua, we were super poor. I only had three toys to play with, and I shared them with my three brothers. But we made do with what we had—and we had lots of fun. I don’t ever remember asking my parents to buy me stuff.”
I was ready with my response to this. I had spent years thinking about this topic and had considered the topic when writing Clutterfree with Kids.
“Maybe your son is discontent because he has too many toys,” I told him.
“Think about it this way. When you were young, you only had three toys. But more importantly, you knew that wasn’t going to change. You had three, that’s it. You were forced to make do with what you had and find happiness in it. That was your only choice.”
My friend was nodding, so I continued:
“Your son, on the other hand, is in a completely different circumstance. Whenever he wants something new, whether it be from a commercial or something his friend gets, he just asks for it and then he gets it. You allow him to keep looking for happiness in the next toy, the next game, the next purchase. Heck, you practically encourage it.
Maybe if he was required to find happiness in the toys he already has, he just might find it. But for now, he is able to live under the impression that the next toy is going to bring it.”
My friend’s face grew sadder because he knew that what I was saying was true. His own decisions were contributing greatly to the unhealthy relationship his son had formed with possessions.
This is a reminder all of us parents need: our kids need boundaries!
If we don’t give them a sense of how much is too much, they’ll just keep wanting more. And if we let them grow up without considering the downsides of overaccumulation, we could be dooming them to repeat the errors of excess that are so common in our world today.
Don’t you want to spare your kids the bondage that comes with having too much stuff? Start early to teach them that less is more! It’s one of the best ways you can show them your love.
liese says
My 9 year old son has to save up when he wants something. Never too young to learn the value of money, but my boys mostly get toys from grandparents/godparents, I’m trying to convince them to do activities with the boys instead of giving them toys.
Cindy says
Great article! One thing I did with my son was that we gathered up some toys that could be cleaned well and we donated them to his pediatrician’s office. She wrote him a thank you note and told him which toys were put in which exam or waiting room. I was proud of him for giving up some of the toys and then very impressed that the pediatrician followed up – her note was very encouraging to him.
Patty says
There’s not enough written about “the bondage” of stuff. Well done!
Laura Homer says
I was thinking about this today in terms of clothes for my kids. I noticed that both my children have natural boundaries when I ask them what they need. I’m the one whose boundaries are inflated beyond what they will actually wear. For example, this morning I was ordering some end-of-season clothes on sale, and my son told me that he just needs one pullover hoodie sweatshirt for next year; he doesn’t need any other sweatshirts because the ones he has will still be big enough. I’m working on letting his limits be my guide rather than the pull to get something on sale.
Joanna from Poland says
We are a family of 5 (very soon of 6), who were changing apartment 3 months ago. We packed up in 60 minutes. Yes, 60 minutes including toys, bikes, clothes, furniture, kitchen ect.
Minimalism is beautifull with kids.
Joanna from Poland says
I love the feeling when people says “I like to be in your children’s room. It is a pleasure to be here”. And then I can introduce them to minimalism.
Thank you Joshua. You were and are my inspiration and a guide.
Anya says
Our 6-year-old son is the youngest of four, so he has so many great hand-me-down toys. His birthday is in April, and I introduced him to the idea of asking for experiences. I was surprised that he was totally on board! Local kids’ museum, zoo, aquarium, bouncy-house play place, trampoline place, day at the amusement park with someone who has an annual pass….he’s all in. Once I brought those ideas out, he was delighted.
Nathalie says
That is a fantastic idea and one I will definitely borrow.
So simple, but with so many positive positive outcomes – engagement/closeness, building relationships & shared memories, fitness, etc.
Thank you for sharing!
Adele Gross says
Great article. Our appetite for consumption contributes to our unhappiness.
K says
Hi, Joshua,
Great article, great comments by everyone.
I would have benefited tremendously as a child if my parents, primarily my mother, had not been sooooo materialistic and obsessed with acquiring anything and everything; neither parent ever played with me or my two siblings–ever; I had a lot of dolls and board games growing up, and enjoyed both of them very much (non-video era ). When I wasn’t playing with either of those (mainly with my dolls), and had finished my homework ?, I was outside riding my bike everywhere. I truly never felt bored; but, my mother’s obsession with “stuff” unfortunately took its insidious toll on me, even as a child, and I slowly began adopting her mentality as I got older. Decades later, I am just now addressing a problem that has wreaked havoc in my entire adult life; thank you, Joshua for bringing your message to light for children, which will be an indescribable lifelong blessing to them, and will enable them to follow God’s calling on their lives without the weight of, not only the stuff itself, but the emotional and psychological burden accompanying the stuff, and the resulting deficiency in critical relational skills, an arduous problem to conquer.
Keep up the invaluable work you are doing.
Trisha says
Sounds so much of what we have in our house. We don’t play gameboard, and our daughters have no interest in watching TV after diner. They also don’t talk much to us about anything. This is a generation of technology. So we are stuck now with how to reach out to our own children. We spend so much on tools, changing and updating new iphone and software. But, it hasn’t been great if only cost us more than this relationship we want with our daughters
Sakura Mendoza says
So true, even for me (I consider myself a hardcore minimalist I have 1 and only 1 pair of shoes, no phone, no car, about 8 dresses total clothes, 0 pants, 1 shirt, 1 martial arts gi, 1 hat, 0 socks), I feel that minimalism is my choice and therefore not my right to force upon my family members, I don’t overbuy (to my knowledge) but we get a lot of gifts for my daughter (4) and son (about to be 1). I have already asked the family to stop, they say they will and don’t so I think the solution may be swapping toys to other family members or donation or storing away from the living space and switching toys… (my husband came home with 2 toys as I wrote this reply). But I did notice that my daughter loves when we don’t have clutter, she plays better, she acts better, her proper level of toys is higher than mine would be, yet she has one and helping her maintain it helps her a lot in ways no one else understands. I also noticed a difference between my son and daughter, my son is much more of a minimalist. So I completely agree that too many toys have consequences of mental overwhelm that kids probably can’t discuss and most people never think about and also that having less when the amount is already in excess generates so much opportunity for joy and creativity. My daughter likes drawing boxes into rocket ships much more than if we just purchased a toy rocket ship, it’s about the process and craft for her. ?️