There are plenty of small, inconsequential realizations in life. Like the fact that the FedEx logo contains a subtle arrow in-between the orange “E” and “x.” It’s small and unimportant. But the first time someone mentions it, you wonder why you never noticed it before.
In contrast with the inconsequential, there are some realizations that come along and change our life forever.
They are not minor, they are significant. They don’t just change how we view a particular logo, they change how we view ourselves, they alter our worldview, and even how we choose to act within it.
For me, one of the most profound realizations I have made over recent years is the understanding that if I’m looking for a reason to be x, I’ll probably be able to find it.
I have found this realization to be true in almost every circumstance. As a result, it contains almost limitless opportunity to change my attitude toward the world around me.
To understand the significance of this realization, I’ll explain a bit more what I mean. Let me offer a specific example:
I have found that if someone is looking for a reason to be upset, they will almost certainly find it. Life isn’t always fair and if a person wants to be upset about a circumstance, a relationship, or a current event, they will almost always find a reason to support their desire. If you want to be upset with your spouse, there are probably a plethora of things you can find that would rationalize that emotion.
However, on the opposite side of the spectrum, if that same person started looking for reasons to be happy, they would almost certainly find those as well. There is always something to be grateful for in life. And if they began looking for reasons to be thankful over a current circumstance, relationship, or current affair, they are almost always able to find it. The same spouse that could provide opportunity to be upset is probably simultaneously offering opportunity to be happy.
This reality extends to almost every possible response toward life:
- If you’re looking for reasons to be scared, you’ll find them.
- If you’re looking for reasons to be mad, you’ll find them.
- If you’re looking for reasons to be encouraged, you’ll find them.
- If you’re looking for reasons to be grateful, you’ll find them.
- If you’re looking for reasons to be confident, you’ll find them.
- If you’re looking for reasons to be pessimistic about the future, you’ll find them.
- If you’re looking for reasons to be optimistic about the future, you’ll find them.
If you are looking for a reason to be x, you will probably find it.
There is a scientific term for this reality. It’s called Selective Attention or Attentional Control. Selective attention is the act of focusing on something in particular while simultaneously ignoring irrelevant information that is also occurring. At any given moment, our brains are bombarded with sensory information: the car horn, the bird chirping, the newspaper rustling, the whirl of the espresso machine, and the words coming out of our friend’s mouth who is sitting across the table from us at the local coffee shop.
At almost every moment of the day, because our minds can’t possibly process all the information being fed to us by our senses, we subconsciously focus our attention on certain important elements of our environment while other things blend into the background or pass us by completely unnoticed. In the coffee shop example above, we choose to focus our attention on our conversation with a friend and allow the other noises to blend into the background—selective attention. We do it every day.
But this truth about selective attention extends beyond noise and sight. It also helps to explain the life-changing realization that we can almost always find reasons to support the attitude we want to keep.
The world around us is infinitely complex. Because of that, if you’re looking for a reason to be x, you can almost certainly find one—and even two or three or four if you keep looking hard enough.
The most significant opportunity this truth provides is the understanding that our response to life is almost always a decision we make and is less a reaction than we often think.
If you wake up tomorrow and decide you are going to be bitter and hate life, you will almost certainly find reasons to hate your life.
But on the other hand, if you wake up tomorrow and decide you are going to be joyful and grateful for the life you live and the day you have been given, you will almost certainly find countless reasons to reinforce your decision.
This is the magic of selective attention.
It is important to note that just because you made a decision to be happy doesn’t mean the bad parts and the unfairness go away. They still exist. It simply means you have decided to selectively place your attention on the things needed to reinforce your decision.
It is almost impossible to overestimate how significant this realization is. It has the power to transform our lives and how we view them at any given time. Our attitude is not a response to our present circumstances. It is a decision that we make—every single day.
This truth is life-changing. Where do you most need it?
Do you want to change how you view your spouse, your job, your family, your financial situation, or the outlook on your life? Choose today to look for reasons to be happy. Because if you’re looking for reasons to be happy, you will be sure to find them. There’s not a doubt in my mind.
Kristal@itsmyFavoriteday says
Such a great reminder of the power of our thoughts. Changing our focus really can make all the difference. I think we have so much more choice over our lives than we give ourselves credit for. Something as simple as how we think can be so empowering.
Ashley says
Thanks, Joshua, for this post. I think the key, to me, is this: “…our response to life is almost always a decision we make and is less a reaction than we often think.” It sort of relates to the “feelings aren’t facts” concept (that is very difficult for me to remember all the time, but is very helpful to me when I do).
What this article made me think about, or question, really, is why it’s so much easier to make the decision to find or feel the negative. Why is the CHALLENGE to find or feel the positive? Or is this just me, most times? Meaning: is this what defines us as either pessimistic or optimistic people? Whichever we do naturally? Some people seem to be naturally angry. Or naturally confident. Or naturally overwhelmed. Or naturally lighthearted. My “x” that I often have to tell myself to go find, for example, is what is NOT dying about Ashley right now.
And here’s another thing: it seems to me there are two different kinds of “x”-es — the kind you are finding without thinking (the natural inclinations) vs. the kind you mindfully/meditatively tell yourself to go find. And I feel like the latter is in direct response to the former. You exhibit x-1 naturally (e.g., my mom getting *angry* at a waitress because one of us is missing a side) and then you have to tell yourself to go find x-2 (e.g., my mom *finding perspective* that no one’s in actual danger of starving to death anytime soon — we’re all okay).
Thanks again — as you can tell, you really got me thinking!
Judy says
Abraham Lincoln said, “A man is as happy as he tells himself he is.”
Ruth Barker says
You lift me up Joshua Becker… so amazing…
This is what i popped up on my page because of you…. I wanted a speaking career… but I moved state and it all got too much… but maybe you’ve just boosted me to give it another go now that I am settled…
It’s been a while since I spoke publicly about life choice, but something I read today just sparked a little interest in reopening speaking out…
I taught myself this after transplant – but here’s my guru giving is some articulation:
“It is important to note that just because you made a decision to be happy doesn’t mean the bad parts and the unfairness go away. They still exist. It simply means you have decided to selectively place your attention on the things needed to reinforce your decision.
This is the magic of selective attention…”
Joshua Becker.
I can’t make the CF go away, I can’t change the fact I’ve watched so many people die from it, I can’t change the fact that I am hoping a dear friend in the RAH won’t, I can’t change the fact that I could not have children because of it… and on it goes…
But I can and do DECIDE TO CHOOSE WHAT TO PAY ATTENTION TO … and yes, it’s magic.
You can wallow… or you can bloom… your choice…” Ruth Barker
Chlo says
The thing that I love about this post is the comparison that you made to being scared “If you’re looking for something to be scared of you’ll probably find it”. It’s so true and I just love the spin you put on it. Happiness is never unattainable, it comes from within and yes, it may take a while to reach that point of “happiness” but, anyone can get there with a bit of hard work and determination.
Have a great week :)
Chloe @ https://girllgonerogue.blogspot.co.uk/
cs says
I’m not trying to knock down the search for happiness, but unfortunately, for some people with mental health disease, such as PTSD, this isn’t always true. I can say that I am glad that the people posting on here probably haven’t experience true Major Depression. I do believe that a positive mental attitude makes a huge difference in life, but, for some of us, it’s not that simple. While the intent of this message is great, I imagine I’m not the only one who is left a little down-heartened – wishing it was that easy. Just felt I needed to bring up an often over-looked view point. Here’s to happiness and the many ways to find it!
Susan says
I’m with you, cs. I suffer from depression, and it has been a lifelong struggle for me (I am 52). I was born with cerebral palsy which affects the way I walk. As I’ve gotten older developed arthritis too. Yay. Have had Major depression 3 or 4 times in my life, along with major breakdowns. Many many more smaller breakdowns as well. Mood disorders – oh what fun (NOT)! I know it is not that easy. I get down hearted too. I am an introvert, highly intelligent and highly sensitive to boot. This world can be so discouraging a lot of times. My life has never been easy. I don’t know your exact situation, but I want to say – you’re not alone in feeling like you do. I’ve been there too. It takes a lot of courage to keep on keeping on. I’m not always successful at it myself. Some days are good, some days are bad. But I’m still here, still working on happiness. Wishing you well.
Julie Sansoni says
This really hit home today, so very true and one I need to practice daily. Thank-you for your perspective, written with clarity and simplified to make it an easy thing to think about.
Littleblackdomicile says
This is a great concept for looking at work, home,friends and family situations. I know some will try to knock down the search for happiness but we can all prevail more often than not. Your choice of a lead photo is striking as well!-Laurel
Joy says
Well put Joshua! I thank God each day for what I am grateful for and focusing on the good, helps how I react to others throughout the day.
Jackson Hardin says
Amen!
Great article!
I use questions to focus my mind on what I want to experience – What am I grateful for today? What am I happy about today? Doing this every morning as part of my morning routine primes my brain to focus on what I do want to experience instead of what I don’t.
Thanks for sharing!