People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.
I have a friend. Let’s call him John.
I’m not sure if friend is actually the best word for our relationship, but it is the word I choose to use—not just in this post, but in life as well.
You see, John doesn’t return very many of my phone calls. He doesn’t reply to my voicemail messages. And he doesn’t answer very many of my texts.
But every few months, my phone will ring and John will be on the other end. Always out of blue. Usually in the evening.
He will apologize for being gone so long. He will assure me he is in a better place now. And he will ask if we can get together again for coffee or lunch. If at all possible, I agree.
John’s life has not been easy. He has told me repeatedly of the abandonment, the drugs, the alcohol, and the homeless nights that define his past. He speaks of his indiscretion freely. It is as much a part of his story as the home he grew up in.
Every time we get together, he recounts what has happened in his life. He will tell me about his desire to get back on the right track and the recovery meetings he has been attending. I will assure him there are people cheering for him. And I will offer to help in any way that I can. “Maybe we can get together again next week,” will usually be the last thing I say to him…until I hear from him again in a few months.
If I were to be honest, I’m not sure I get much out of my relationship with John. He doesn’t offer me any life advice. He doesn’t have a job or lifeskill that I learn from. He certainly doesn’t have any friends in high places who can help me get ahead. I think he cares about me as a person. But if he does, he has a funny way of showing it.
The one thing that he does offer is a consistent opportunity for me to love. Not a love that expects something in return, but a pure, unselfish love. One that requires patience and grace and commitment. You know—real love.
John needs me. And that is reason enough for me to keep him in my life.
There is an unhealthy inclination in our world to remove people from our lives who no longer serve us.
Our closets are full, but our hearts are empty.
When we decided to become minimalist, we did so because we knew our lives would improve if we removed the excess physical stuff from our home and life. They had become burdensome to us.
But it would be a foolish choice to automatically apply the exact same filter to our relationships. People always deserve more patience and sacrifice than physical possessions.
Do we need to find the strength to separate ourselves from abusive relationships? Yes, absolutely.
Are there some people that we need to be intentional about establishing boundaries with? Yes, of course.
But the path to better living is not found in turning our back on those who need us the most. The path to better living is found in developing the compassion and the space to love even those who don’t deserve it.
Choosing to invest in only the relationships that benefit me isn’t love, it’s selfish.
Beautiful words. True words. Thank you for sharing these thoughts today. They are words that bring life. Don’t we all need life? We are all broken at the root of things. I have heard a lot lately about how some cultures are very relationship-based versus our American culture of me, me, me…Jesus lived a life of pouring Himself out for others…an “upside-down” life in His culture and really, in our culture today. When I start to look outside of myself and reach out to sincerely bless others {not expecting anything in return}, I find that my joy overflows beyond what I could ever give.
Again, thank you for sharing- I needed the reminder :)
Thank you for your insight… others have said it here better than I can. Very profound and well stated for re-orienting ourselves to the most important.
This is a profound post that offers a fresh and thought-provoking idea.
As a person who tends to be a ‘John’, this has given me goose-bumps. Thank you for the great post.
Great post Joshua – I have been guilty of ‘automatically applying the exact same filter to my relationships.’ I need to remember that ‘people always deserve more patience and sacrifice than physical possessions.’ One does not have a relationship with a thing, but one does with a person, and that relationship should be nurtured.
God tells us He brings the living back to life and creates something out nothing. As I thought about that this morning – I considered just how much man-made effort it takes to create a house or car or computer – and then they break down – probably before they are even paid for. Lots of effort and energy.
How much energy does it really take for me to bring forth that which God has already put in me? Love, peace and hope. It has already been created – it is abundant. I have just made it difficult by abandoning the source.
sorry that should be dead back to life in the first sentence.
Thank you for such a thoughtful post, Joshua. I am currently the “John” in many of my friendships. I have suffered from depression for many years. As much as I want to, there have many times were I have not been able to reach out and make the connections that matter to me for months and months at a time. I know that my friends must get tired of making the effort with little or no return. But let me tell you, it matters so much to me to know that they are there. The love is returned over and over again in my heart, and through prayer.
That is a brave thing to know and say, and thank you for sharing that the love is returned in kind, just not in a physically tangible way.
Yes, there are so many minimalist posts about clearing out relationships that don’t provide anything for your life. I also struggle with depression, and know all too well Robin Williams’ feelings of being a burden to others. There need to be more people in this world who understand what you write in this post. I am lucky that I have a few friends who I know are glad I am there, even when I am feeling down, but I have many “friends” and family members who most obviously do not feel that way. If I am feeling depressed, I am given responses of frustration, telling me I’m too sensitive, that I need to get over things, I’m being immature, and many other insensitive things. Those responses make me just want to go home and be alone, which is not healthy in the long run. I am so very grateful to have the few people in my life who don’t care what I say, just the fact that I am sharing and not being alone. In response, when my friends need someone to talk to, I provide the same ear and shoulder, with no judgment or wishing they weren’t dragging MY day down.
Thank you, Michelle we needed to hear your thoughts and feelings from the other side of the relationship. You are showing a quiet strength with your comment. We all have uncertain times when we need a friend! My prayers are with you.
Hi Joshua,
A great post (again!) and a good reminder of what minimalism (and life, really) is all about: people. I do feel, though, that it is important to evaluate where we are investing our time and energy, and whether those people bring us down or not. Your love for your friend brings you joy and satisfaction to be able to offer support and care for him in his times of need, and that is a wonderful thing. I do know though that sometimes relationships can add to our cluttered lives, by taking time and energy from us that could be better spent on other people or pursuits. Love is a commodity that is never ending (and we should use it as such) but unfortunately, time and mental space are at a premium. Tough to strike a balance but its always worth pursuing love for others.
Yes! This is a great reminder. Recognizing those who truly do need us and being there for them is called being a compassionate human being. That is what we live for.
So true. I’m grateful God shows more compassion, love and mercy towards us than we extend to others…..even though we don’t deserve it.