People were created to be loved. Things were created to be used. The reason why the world is in chaos is because things are being loved and people are being used.
I have a friend. Let’s call him John.
I’m not sure if friend is actually the best word for our relationship, but it is the word I choose to use—not just in this post, but in life as well.
You see, John doesn’t return very many of my phone calls. He doesn’t reply to my voicemail messages. And he doesn’t answer very many of my texts.
But every few months, my phone will ring and John will be on the other end. Always out of blue. Usually in the evening.
He will apologize for being gone so long. He will assure me he is in a better place now. And he will ask if we can get together again for coffee or lunch. If at all possible, I agree.
John’s life has not been easy. He has told me repeatedly of the abandonment, the drugs, the alcohol, and the homeless nights that define his past. He speaks of his indiscretion freely. It is as much a part of his story as the home he grew up in.
Every time we get together, he recounts what has happened in his life. He will tell me about his desire to get back on the right track and the recovery meetings he has been attending. I will assure him there are people cheering for him. And I will offer to help in any way that I can. “Maybe we can get together again next week,” will usually be the last thing I say to him…until I hear from him again in a few months.
If I were to be honest, I’m not sure I get much out of my relationship with John. He doesn’t offer me any life advice. He doesn’t have a job or lifeskill that I learn from. He certainly doesn’t have any friends in high places who can help me get ahead. I think he cares about me as a person. But if he does, he has a funny way of showing it.
The one thing that he does offer is a consistent opportunity for me to love. Not a love that expects something in return, but a pure, unselfish love. One that requires patience and grace and commitment. You know—real love.
John needs me. And that is reason enough for me to keep him in my life.
There is an unhealthy inclination in our world to remove people from our lives who no longer serve us.
Our closets are full, but our hearts are empty.
When we decided to become minimalist, we did so because we knew our lives would improve if we removed the excess physical stuff from our home and life. They had become burdensome to us.
But it would be a foolish choice to automatically apply the exact same filter to our relationships. People always deserve more patience and sacrifice than physical possessions.
Do we need to find the strength to separate ourselves from abusive relationships? Yes, absolutely.
Are there some people that we need to be intentional about establishing boundaries with? Yes, of course.
But the path to better living is not found in turning our back on those who need us the most. The path to better living is found in developing the compassion and the space to love even those who don’t deserve it.
Choosing to invest in only the relationships that benefit me isn’t love, it’s selfish.
Please describe the argument (the premises and the inferences) that led you to the conclusion that “people were created to be loved.” Thank you.
Mark 12:31. “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Hope that helps.
I loved everything about this article…until I got to the last line- “The path to better living is found in developing the compassion and the space to love even those who don’t deserve it.” Who gives any of us the right to judge who deserves love? Evaluating who is worthy or unworthy of love is a clear contradiction to authentic compassion. The path to better living is found in removing judgment of others’ worthiness. We need to “stop trying to prove our worth and start focusing on developing our worthiness” (Mitchell, 2016). its the difference between an inward journey and an outward journey.
oh! so true man! i really can’t agree more! i am so inspired of your quote from the essay: “Our closets are full, but our hearts are empty.” Plus, your heart-touching ending: “Choosing to invest in only the relationships that benefit me isn’t love, it’s selfish.” i am right now want to get back to those who has needed me. So deep to me of this essay!
Thank you so so much!:)
Thank you for sharing, Josh. We need more of this in our world. Your post reminded me of this Thomas Merton quote: “Our job is to love others without stopping to inquire whether or not they are worthy. That is not our business and, in fact, it is nobody’s business. What we are asked to do is to love, and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbors worthy.”
I loved this. I hear to often about people removing others from their lives if they are no longer useful. Useful is not a word I would use to describe my closest friends. They are simply people I love. This was a beautifully compassionate entry.
I love this because it can be difficult to love someone in shoes similar to John’s. However, from what we know about John it sounds like he is doing the best he can. He is lucky that you haven’t given up on him. In his world time is difficult. Sometimes many days, weeks, months and even years can pass because we know we are not in the best of form. We have every intention of getting with our loved ones when we think we have it better together. Keep loving him (I don’t need to tell you that) and it could make all the difference. Payoff for you may only be in knowing you are kind and patient. But that should be enough for all of us. Thanks for listening.
I have a friend like you. For years she stood by my side and tried to help me any way she could. She eventually took me and my two daughters in to get away from drugs and an abusive relationship. It worked!!! I’ve been clean for almost thirty years, my daughters are doing well. The grandchildren grew up in a completely environment.
Now my friend has fallen on hard times and it is my turn to be there for her. Even though I don’t think the way she handles things is the greatest. It’s really not up to me to question how she handles things but I want to be there for her. She told me I’m the only one that cares and she helped a lot of people!!!!!
It’s so often the case that those who help and care for others don’t get the same support back when they need it. Great that you are now in a position to reciprocate the care that she gave you!