Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui of A Life in Progress.
We are afraid to let go for different reasons.
For one daughter of mine, her eclectic collection of books helps inform her identity. My husband, on the other hand, grew up in poverty and fear of lack can compel him to gather and hoard. Personally, I find myself afraid to let go because I struggle to trust that there is yet more goodness and beauty to come my way.
But I know I must let go of what was to make space for what will be.
Organization and order come naturally to me. I maintain a minimalist wardrobe, resist the pull of busy, and release habits or belongings that no longer merit space in my life. My challenge with letting go is emotional, not physical.
As I give away the favorite storybooks and games and buckets of Legos that marked my years as mama of little people, what I’m really letting go of is a beautiful season of life where I knew my role, was good at it, and felt needed. That was my dream—to build a nest and raise family. As my kids grow up and leave home, I’m shocked at the unexpected grief mixed with hope. Sometimes I want just a few days more to hug their little bodies tight. Fear tells me it will never again be as sweet as this.
Though I ache, I let go of what was to make space for what will be.
I am learning to coexist with discomfort and take action anyway so I can do the work to which I am called in this new season. But after years of numbing and running and wrestling with anxiety that incapacitates, this is hard work, emotional work, and sometimes I want to quit because even at 46 growing up is hard to do. Fear whispers I will fail anyway so it’s better not to try.
I challenge fear with truth and let go of who I was to make space for who I choose to be.
Each day I practice loving with less judgment, meeting people where they’re at. I notice my tendency toward impatience and frustration, and remind myself to take a breath and trust the journey. Instead of stepping into each day with a rigid agenda, I show up with curiosity. Fear warns that if I don’t control tightly, I will miss out or fall behind.
But I’ve opted out of the race, so I loosen my grip on what I think should be to make space for joyful possibility.
Doing the hard work of digging into the muck, hands dirtied, unhurried, to unearth what it is that draws me to hold on tight for dear life is the first step to letting go. It is only in this messy, uncomfortable place that I begin to untangle the roots of my fear and find my way to freedom. Slowly. Surely.
It is here that I identify my own compelling reason to let go of what was to make space for what will be.
The only way to true growth is through.
And if we are not careful we can fool ourselves into thinking we are doing the deeper work while we sleepily traipse along someone else’s path. We must find a way to quiet the noise, for there’s no replacement for living open heart, quiet mind. If we run from the inner work, disappointment tends to follow.
She is an excellent rule follower and with a surge of energy and stamina creates a fall capsule wardrobe, declutters her home and life, only to have the stuff, the busyness and the overwhelm creep back in slowly and stealthily. She didn’t get to the root of her issue.
He lives in shame because even though he faithfully devours the simple-living books and blog posts and knows his current life pace is unsustainable, still he struggles to find momentum to slow down. He hasn’t identified his own compelling reason to initiate purposeful and lasting change.
You jump wholeheartedly onto the minimalist train and conform well but because you haven’t spent the time to gain clarity around what you truly want or who you are, you still feel as sad or lonely or unfilled as before. You forgot along the way that we are each knit-together uniquely and in order to live aligned with your mission, your life will, by necessity, look different from mine.
We must do the inner work.
Only then can we shake off the unessential, eliminate, reduce. Craft a life that is uncluttered and rich with purpose. A life with room to breathe so that we are freed up to share our voice and gifts. Whatever the excess that overstuffs our life we are served by getting honest about why we hold on tight.
This is the way to freedom.
Once we’ve done the inner work, we let go of what was to make space for what will be.
***
Krista is a stubborn questioner, honest storyteller, and Joyful Living Educator. Her mission is to help women live unshackled lives of purpose, health, and joy. Connect with her at A Life in Progress or on Facebook.
Crystal Wiley says
This was one of the best posts I’ve read in a while. Much love.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Wow – thank you, Crystal. I’m receiving that love:)
Karen Morgan-Johnson says
I have heard the opposite of FEAR is FAITH and it sounds like you have discovered your brand of faith in looking forward with ‘joyful possibility’. Me too ! Thank you.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
I’ve spent a lot of my life running and numbing. In anxiety and fear. As I heal and grow I am able to coexist with the anxiety and show up anyways. I’ve walked through a lot of pain but looking back or getting still and quiet – I am also mesmerized by all the beauty in my life. The truth that life is never all good or all bad. It is this that allows me to open up to joyful possibility. Thank you for your “me too!”
Christina says
This article is beautifully written and touched me deeply. I can empathize with your husband, also having grown up in poverty not wanting to let go of things. I am in a distinctly different financial bracket now and am trying to do the deep work now. It is a long and arduous process. I appreciated reading your message and thank you for the reminder of getting to the root, getting to the why, to create sustainable changes.
I also have two young kids 4 & 7 and I appreciate the reminder of loving them, hugging them, enjoying them while they are here because someday they will be off on their own journeys outside of our home and I will miss them dearly.
A heartfelt Thank you Krista. I really needed these reminders of real work and not just a laundry list how to be minimalist in 10 steps.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
You are so welcome, Christina. As a Questioner and Wrestler, I must always come to my own WHY if I am to create sustainable change. I can do hard things when I am clear on why they matter.
Tammy says
Krista,
Thank you so much. This brought me to tears. I am currently in a transition period. I was a home school mom who is now dealing with the oldest in college and my youngest in public school. For the first time in 18 years, I am alone in my house during the day and trying to figure out the next step. I tell people that I can’t put my finger on what is going on with me, but something is just not right. I am going through every single item in our house. Trying to sort through what to keep and get rid of. It is emotionally draining but I feel I need to do this in order to move forward. You have encouraged me! Again, thank you!
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Oh, Tammy, I feel for you. Last school year was my first in 20 years without kids at home (I homeschooled 15 years but we put our youngest in public school last year). I grieved. I felt foolish – I was grieving the end of an era, all those sweet years with my kids around, my second child preparing to leave the nest. I did not expect this at all but I needed to permit grief to do its work in me. So glad you know you are not alone!
littleblackdomicile says
Such a meaningful post. Personally, I have found that the memories do not fade when the items go as long as we all talk about things when the family gathers. I start the conversation usually with …”do you remember….” to our kids and off they go with their versions of the same thing I remember so differently. It’s fun! On a simple sidetone, today on the blog our topic is about minimalism and food storage. Talk about our resistance to let those old food items go!!-Laurel
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Yes – I am so motivated to deep connection and love talking about the “remember when’s” or helping my children get to know my parents via stories. I am also motivated to show up with great compassion for others – like my husband – who have a hard time letting go.
Bill says
today, my grandfather’s and great grandfathers toys would be so meaningful to me. I wonder if, at times, minimalism takes away from future generations opportunities to connect tangibly with their ancestors?
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
That is possible. I think to live with purpose above all – to know our why – matters more than living in alignment with rules or someone else’s vision. I want to live light – without stuff – but I do see the value in art, books, some meaningful items passed along from family. I encourage my children, for instance, to be who they are – to wrestle and do the work to identify their own giftings/work/purpose. It is ok that it won’t look exactly like mine:)
Marianne Jones says
Beautifully written, Krista!
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Thank you, Marianne!
Stephanie says
You are an insightful and gifted writer! One who encourages and compels inner refelection as to the why – not just another voice proposing yet another “laundry list” of the benefits of minimalism. Don’t EVER stop writing!
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Thank you so much. I often do struggle with wanting to quit. Feeling not up to the task. Your kind encouragement is very appreciated.
Elisa says
I would first have to agree that I am trapped, not free, to use anything to pretend to be looking for freedom when I am simply noticing and bringing being stuck to me. I did like the self inventory portion of the article.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Elisa, noticing where we are at – being super honest about it – even getting angry about it – this is the beginning and important start. I hope you will keep doing the hard work. We are all on the journey together.
Elisa says
Another icky agreement, i would have to believe that knowing myself is hard work. It is a JOY knowing me!
John says
After my father passed away I didn’t want to let got of his things. I thought I had done the work of letting go. But loss is a persistent dance partner. Always tapping on your shoulder, just when you think the music has ended. Thankfully, I finally got there. I realized that I didn’t need all of my father’s stuff to keep him alive in my heart. Thanks for the thoughtful post, Krista.
Amanda says
I understand that situation!! My mom passed away just as I became an adult. She had a tendency to collect things, antiques mostly. Its difficult determining which things of hers I enjoy and have a use for and what I am ready to part with. Its a bit of a process over here! I appreciate your comment that the possessions are not needed to keep the loved one “alive”.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
Hi Amanda, that is a hard age to lose your mom. At first, I kept some items from my mom – that felt important. Slowly I passed along a tiny item to each of my children for their “baby boxes” and released the rest. Not saying this is how you need to do it, of course. I realized that I just miss her and stuff doesn’t make me feel connected to her. In my case something that helped was to try and pass along her legacy to my own kids – to help them know that they are loved but also truly liked (to delight in them for who they are) which is one of the best gifts she offered me.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
John, I have been grieving and doing the work of letting go all over again as this is the month when we buried both my parents. I love the way you describe this dance. I have a few items from my childhood home but no, these are not what keep my parents alive. I think when I choose to love myself and do the work to which I feel called, this is what keeps them alive because this is what they would have wanted for me.