Several years ago, we decided to embrace minimalist living.
At first, the reasons were simple: we were spending too much time caring for possessions and we were wasting too much money on stuff we didn’t need. These possessions were not bringing joy or lasting happiness. Even worse, they were keeping us from the very things that did.
But what we didn’t realize at the time was that this decision would drastically alter our marriage.
Possessions had become the Great Distraction in our lives. And the simplest way to recenter ourselves on the things that mattered most was to remove the excess from our home and lives.
We embarked upon a journey to sell, donate, recycle, and remove as many of our nonessential possessions as possible. It was one of the most life-giving decisions we have ever made—the benefits have been practical and soul-enriching. And we would recommend it to anyone.
Owning fewer possessions means less cleaning, less organizing, less repairing, and less financial burden. It brings freedom, clarity, and opportunity. Intentionally owning less frees time, energy, and space—resources that could be spent pursuing our greatest passions.
Our lives and marriages require space to be lived and experienced to the fullest. But in a world of ever-increasing speed, time for reflection and investment in the things that matter becomes more and more difficult to discover.
Our world is built on consumerist pursuits—and rejecting those tendencies requires great intentionality from each of us.
Hans Hofmann, the legendary painter once said it like this, “The ability to simplify means to eliminate the unnecessary so that the necessary may speak.”
Often times, our marriages follow the same unfortunate trajectory. At first, when we have nothing but each other, we focus intently on the important essential building blocks of a happy marriage. But as our relationship continues forward, less important things begin to accumulate and distract us from the very keys to a successful marriage.
As a result, we start to worry more about the appraisal value of our home than the value of our relationship. We check the health of our retirement account far more often than the health of our marriage. We spend more time taking care of the car in our garage than the other person in our bedroom. And the maintenance of our physical possessions dominates our evenings and weekends, when the maintenance of our relationship should be taking precedent.
Nonessential possessions begin to accumulate and demand our money, energy, and precious time. As a result, we have little left over for the very elements that make our marriages work.
Those who experience a fulfilled marriage from beginning to end intentionally limit selfish distractions and accumulation. They realize a nice home, fast car, or bloated retirement account may appear nice to have, but in the end, do not make a successful marriage. And if not kept in proper perspective, they actually begin to distract us from it.
To limit the burden of excess possessions in your family, consider these seven intentional, countercultural decisions:
1. Choose a home based on need, not opportunity. Sit down and determine what specific requirements your home will need to meet: size, location, length of stay, sometimes occupation. When you begin house-hunting, focus on them solely. Do not choose a home based on a pre-approved loan amount or even income. Choose based on personal need instead.
2. Never carry a car payment. Almost every person I know who is falling behind in their finances carries a car loan and payment. Don’t do it—ever. Buy the most reliable car you can afford with your cash savings and immediately begin setting aside money for your next one. And even if you can afford a luxury car, remember you can do more good by simply buying a reliable one.
3. Purchase technology based on the problem it solves. Technology advances at a dizzying pace. Keeping up can become an all-consuming, savings-draining pursuit. To counter its allure, remember the purpose of technology is to make our lives easier by solving problems. Before purchasing any new technology billed as the latest and greatest, ask yourself this question: “What existing problem does it solve?” If a new technology is not solving an existing problem, it is only adding to them.
4. Live on one income—even if you earn two. One of the most valuable pieces of financial advice we ever received came early in our marriage when both my wife and I were working. Our pastor encouraged us to live entirely on my income and save every penny my wife earned. We did just that. Her earnings became our first down payment on a home. But more importantly, it prevented lifestyle creep from setting in. And when our first child was born, becoming a one-income family was an easy transition.
5. Put the spender in charge of family finances. While this may or may not suit your family’s unique dynamics, it has been entirely helpful for ours. I hold a Bachelor’s Degree in Banking and Finance. My first job out of college was Accounting. I understand budgets, spreadsheets, assets, and liabilities. But my wife is a bigger spender than me. And one of the most helpful actions we took as a family was to put her entirely in charge of the family finances. Because our bank account levels were always small, she became far more careful with her purchases—and worked really hard to keep me in line too.
6. Use entertainment for rest, not escape. Entertainment moves our emotion, occupies our heart, and exercises our mind—or at least, it should. Choose to invest your entertainment dollars in places that will improve your life. There is nothing wrong with enjoying entertainment. It serves an important purpose. Rest is an essential characteristic of our lives. However, entertainment can quickly become a personal and financial burden if we use it as a means to routinely escape our own reality rather than deal with it in a healthy way.
7. Give away (at least) 10%. There are numerous religious traditions that teach the importance of giving away 10%. Personally, it is a financial philosophy we have put into practice during times of both little and plenty. The gifts benefit the receiver. But more than that, the gifts benefit the giver. It brings fulfillment and joy and meaning to our lives. But maybe the greatest benefit of generosity is the realization that we already have enough.
We should be careful to not add extra burden to our marriages by chasing and accumulating material possessions. Our money is only as valuable as what we choose to spend it on. And so are our lives.
LL in Prescott says
I think back fondly to OUR FIRST HOUSE, a 3 bed/1 bath ranch, no garage. Nothing on the walls. Nothing in the basement except a washer/dryer. Very little furniture. I wish we would have stayed in that house. Instead, we became ardent flippers, dumping money into houses one after another, gutting and rehabbing. Talk about a distraction! The hardest thing is to see yourself while you are in the chaos and say STOP! Neither of us did until life intervened medically and financially. Being conscious has been the key to not bringing new clutter into the house, getting old clutter out of the house, and spending time and money on what counts. It took 40 years of marriage to calm down and figure that out. We think anyone young who already has a minimalist approach to life is VERY LUCKY!
Karen says
Thank you for your post. My husband saw your comment and emailed it to me. We are currently an almost family of 5 with 2 animals living in a 3 bedroom 2 bath home, with no garage. My husband and I have been purging a lot of our belongings as we try to become minimalistic. We’ve also been considering moving. However you post has helped us to understand that life comes in circles. When we first bought the horse it was just us and it was the perfect size 830ish Sq feet. So in about 20 yrs it may be the perfect size once again. Maybe we’ll move eventually but for moment it’s helped us to feel content. So thank you. I’m sure you never intended for your post to mean so much, but it did.
Karen
Mark says
Wow. Just what I needed. I just turned 50- literally. I have long been a collector of many things. Work in a place that has a lot of “trash” that is ( I thought) mine or someone else’s treasure . Have always rescued “things”. Have always bought “things”. Only married June 15 of 2013. Just had our first anniversary . Beautiful woman. I have 3 children from a first love. Complicated, but simple. I held out. Anyway, when I was 25, baby girl. Split. Back again and twin boys. All beautiful. The boys grew up ” dumpster diving” through myself and their papaw. Now they are just like me, except for one thing. One of my boys had a terrible car accident on the 4-5 of July weekend. He was dead. Now alive but in the hospital .i thank god for that and cry everyday now while still struggling to get through. His twin was driving behind and saw the whole thing. Neither will ever be the same. Nor our family. Don’t want to get off topic but sometimes it takes a looong story to reach a simple ending. I lived alone and pretty much gave EVERYTHING away to move back to town with my now wonderful wife. Didn’t want the house or the city … Again. Life with her has been tough. She is not the hoarder that you might think of from TV at all. But there was an agreement that when I left my place, gave my things away, that she would too. I had already realized before we even started dating that I had too much. Literally gave it. No yard sale, no Craig’s list, no nothing. If you were my friend, or a friend of a friend, needed or wanted it, it was yours. Gave a lot to my boys also, and yes they were sore for some things I gave to others. But now my wife hasn’t come through I feel. We talked about it , it has caused a couple of spats, 2 arguments and I always assume it will happen. But it hasn”t. Too much stuff for me. I’m suffocating. Beautiful home but you can’t see it I feel. And now even more than ever with my son in the care of dr.s and GOD , her stepson whom she loves dearly, all of this means nothing. Zero. She had taken baby steps and tried. But just not at the pace I ever wanted or expected. Now, life has just kinda stopped. I don’t care about the house now, let alone the ” stuff”. We both have full time jobs, she teaches at a local church and specializes in special needs children. She was never able to have any and will never get rich from her job. It’ a labor of love! She gets richer doing just that. Seeing the children’s faces everyday. Plus she was so thrilled to all of a sudden have 3 children she could call her own. Great step- mother. I am blue collar ( electrician) and make decent money. It just seems like it is ALL spent uselessly . I’m part the blame too. I find myself falling into old ways and wanting things I don’t need, or even really want. If anyone takes the time to read this then they already know what I want. My boy back, totally. But it’s never that easy. I try to be humble and don’t just call out to GOD in times of troubles, I thank him often for my life, although it has been tough . But it’s tough for everyone. I need to participate more in giving. But here I am at another bad time, asking, asking to get rid of this crap, with both my boys, their sis, and their stepmother by my side. Helping. Prayers and spiritual help has gotten us this far. Just asking for more help. I’ll do my part. Maybe I should have been a carpenter? Thank you all and much love!
LL in Prescott says
OK, yes, that was a mouthful! You did bring up a major marriage point: how does it work if a spouse has zero interest in living a serene, simple, uncluttered life and you do? I gave my husband “Lori Free Zones”, in other words, I would let his junk be in baskets, drawers, his own bathroom, or the entire garage. I strive to always have a pristine room of my own to mediate and read in. No Boys Allowed. I am ever vigilant about an organized kitchen, living room, laundry room, bedroom and take those rooms as my responsibility. The Beauty of Simple eventually wears off on your spouse. It’s impossible to make anyone do anything before they are ready to. Arguing or being punitive about someone’s lack of organization is harmful. Lead by example and make yourself happy with your own progress. A marriage after all is two distinctly different individuals who want to help each other become all they can be in the little time they have on earth.
Tracy Pannell says
God heard every word
julia says
The LORD is an ever present help in our time of need so go ahead and cry out to Him … He knows what is going on better than we do!
Hoping your son is recovering well.
Angela says
I just prayed for your son.
Your sweet wife might just need help getting the stuff out. It sounds like there isn’t a lot of time to deal with it, and if it’s emotionally difficult to let go, it takes even longer. A relative was moving and was completely overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff to go through. She would try. She would look at the stuff and get lost in the memories or overwhelmed and exhausted, and it was going so slowly or not going at all really. Her husband understood that she wanted it gone but just couldn’t do it. He rented a dumpster and tossed everything worthless there and the rest went to a donation drop off because it just had to be done-quickly. She was so thrilled, thanked him profusely and proclaims him her hero for doing this. I thought she’d have been traumatized, but she was just relieved. Now he was able to do this because she had already gathered the treasures she uses now. He knew the rest was just clutter. In your case, you might hire an organizer that specializes in minimizing. That way you are not involved directly, and it will still get done. Don’t give up!
Judy says
So glad I didn’t fall for #1. Considered buying an ornate Victorian 20 years ago…but went with a more affordable farmhouse. I still “dream” of what it would feel like to live in such a beauty…but I know I made the right choice for our income level. I’ll get my mansion when I get to heaven. :)
Prepared by God, Himself!
Judy says
King James Bible
In my Father’s house are many mansions: if [it were] not [so], I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you.
julia says
Thank You Jesus! The cost of following Him is high yet the reward so great!! And He is not at many churches but you can find Him in the Bible.
And thank you for the tips and free e-book!
I think having the spender handle the finances is brilliant for the very reason mentioned. Risky but that it worked for good in your home is inspiring.
Joey says
Reney,
I don’t believe that Joshua was suggesting only to give to religious institutions. He only mentioned religious traditions as a historical framework for his point (making marriage love last). In my opinion, giving provides a sense of fulfillment that materialism will never deliver; I believe this is the case, regardless of one’s religion.
I personally do give to my local church and others, based on my convictions, and I do believe that non-Christians can and should give of their resources and time to support the needs of others – as they see fit.
-Joey
Rodrigo Afonseca says
Josh, thanks for sharing so much wisdom about life in a marriage. I’m going to read this post along with my wife and I’m sure she’ll enjoy it a lot, since we are planning to make some changes about how we deal with physical and non-physical clutter/distractions at home.
Reney says
Josh,
I agree with you and was on board until number 7, giving to religious entities. Not a believer in any one established religion, especially when the preacher is just like me. Yes, I know the arguement: he carriers the word of god, and yes, our system is based on a god; our US money says “in god we trust” which is why I think money represents so many evil things in today’s world (greed is good??).
I have and always will donate to my community which is far more important than any one religion. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in this thought.
logicslayer says
I prefer to donate to animal rescue and humane societies. I’m not too keen on donating money to any religious organization.
joshua becker says
I want to clarify that the wording does not indicate the donation needs to be designated toward a religious organization.
Amber says
He didn’t say give 10% to Christianity or even any religion. He simply said give away at least 10%, the benefit being to the receiver (of your choice) and to yourself, because it allows you to more fully appreciate what you have, whatever your personal beliefs may be.
Krystal says
I read the 10% as an example, not a rule. I think that tithing to a church is an example the of giving and supporting a community. As an athiest, I choose to give to causes that are important to me and support those I love. Bottom line being, giving is important and helps shape financial habits.
Great article Joshua!
Judy says
I’m sad for you.
Mandy Tirado says
We give far more than 20% away each month, but it’s to more than one place/person. Churches can be a great place to give to simply because the money goes to multiple locations, like the food bank (which feed both Christians and non-Christians), gas money for those who need it, clothing for kids, keeping the lights/heat on in the winter for the very poor who cannot afford it (again, both Christians and non Christians) and other various places. IF you ever do decide to give to a church (and this is directed towards everyone) you do have the power to specify exactly what you want it to be used for. We frequently tell our Pastor we want the money we give to be used specifically for the building, as it’s an older building and in need of a new roof, updated flooring, etc. Our church is also the tsunami shelter for our community, so I want to make sure it’s in tip top shape in case it ever needs to house people in a crisis. (Christians and non Christians).
Jody says
I’m with you on this one!
Ed Herzog says
Thanks for sharing this resource Joshua! I appreciate you and the other authors making it available for free. :)
#5 is interesting. The opposite was true for my parents. They struggled with their finances until my mom (the frugal one) was put in charge. My dad credits my mom with turning things around for them and getting them out of debt. Obviously what matters most is that the couple finds what works best for them.
Mandy Tirado says
I’m the spender, but also the one who’s consistently yammering away about saving and we don’t do a very good job of either when I’m not entirely put in charge. My husband has expressed that he feels like less of a man when he’s not making all the financial decisions for our family, however, having been prior military and now in law enforcement, he’s been away from home for so long that he’s out of touch with what it takes to run a home. (Totally not his fault. Just circumstance. :-) ) Any suggestions as to how to gently talk to him about this? We’re currently living paycheck to paycheck because my husband is insisting on having a say, but it’s running our finances into the ground. I want to help, not hurt. We’re in our 30s. I want to build up a retirement for him, so he doesn’t have to work forever!
joshua becker says
Mandy,
Spend some time with this system taking a hard look at your income and expenses: https://www.becomingminimalist.com/trust-me-it-works/. Look for variable or nonessential expenses that can be removed.
BrownVagabonder says
When I was younger, my parents spent most of their free time fighting about money. They both came from poverty-ridden childhoods, and they were always afraid of going back to that state again. They didn’t spend much, but they still fought about spending all the time. I grew up with that around me, and I swore to myself that I wouldn’t do the same. Of course, I ended up having similar fights with my partner while we were travelling for a year through Central America. I realized that you need to have these chats about money in a calm, serene setting, otherwise, they will come up while you are upset with each other.
Now that we have had those conversations, we both know more about each other’s money personalities and hopefully, we will have more success in the future with the money conversations.
Jamie says
Thanks Joshua and Tyler!!
Next week my husband and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary. The best marriage advice we got was “always remember these 3 little words – no way out”. ha! ha! It’s hard to fix a problem when you’re looking for the exit.
Judy says
This is v-e-r-y good advice. It works.
Lola says
I think the only thing we have to work on is living on one income…
Even before my husband and I got married, we both enjoyed having a clutter free space. Now about 2 to 4 times a year we go through our whole home and do a de-clutter session (usually doesn’t take longer than a Saturday morning since we both have no issue throwing stuff out and keep a tight reign on bringing clutter into the home). It still surprises me though that every time we find a box full of things we can throw out no matter how clutter free our home is. A happy, clean, free life is more important to us than owning a house full of “stuff”. Every time we throw stuff out we both feel happy and giddy – we feel the quality of our marriage and our life has been made better. And we never miss anything we have thrown out.
laura m. says
I was discussing routine decluttering and downsizing stuff not being used, with several people last week and we all agreed things seem to hatch out of the walls when we are sleeping or gone from the house. I go thru things regularly and more minimalist than most retirees I know. I don’t like nic nacs at all, and like bare walls with few accessories on the mantle. I don’t hang pictures (no need to dust them) and avoid mirrors except the bathroom. Don’t like cleaning them. Have minimal contemporary furnishings and gave away 95 % of books awhile back. Cleaned out CD’s and extra plastic food containers and cookware. I rec every six months go thru closets, rooms, and donate stuff. Kitchen can be a problem for many, as things may “hatch out” in the cabinets.