Both of my kids just got glasses. Their squints to read digital clocks were becoming more and more apparent. And we had warned them for months that an eye appointment was upcoming.
But not until just recently were our suspicions officially confirmed. New eyeglasses were ordered, picked up, and fitted.
Alexa, my daughter, picked purple glasses and kinda likes wearing them. It certainly helps that her friends refer to them as “adorable.”
But my 12-year old son? Not so much. In fact, he hates wearing them—at least, that is, when he is around his friends.
When he is home alone with us, wearing glasses is not a problem. He can see the computer screen better, he can read books easier, and he can read the clock on the oven without having to stand up and walk closer.
But around his friends, he wears them only when absolutely necessary. His glasses cause him embarrassment… some things never change.
Embarrassment. It is an interesting topic when you stop to think about it.
To be embarrassed is to experience a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness. Most often, these feelings are sparked by moments where we feel different, slightly apart from normal, or out of place.
It seems these feelings of inadequacy begin to emerge in grade school and strengthen through high school as our self-awareness grows. They arise from any number of causes: being one of the first to wear glasses, having unique physical characteristics, or being singled out in class or social circles.
As we get older, these feelings (and the fear) of embarrassment continue to surface. But the stakes get higher.
We no longer get embarrassed about just wearing glasses, we may also become embarrassed about the particular brand of glasses we wear. Or even worse, how much money our parents have to spend on them.
Interestingly, these feelings of embarrassment stem from our baseline understanding of normal, and any subsequent deviation from it. After all, nobody feels embarrassed for just being normal.
But our understanding of normal is an entirely subjective measurement most often defined by the social circles with which we surround ourselves.
This may be best illustrated by a hypothetical situation to which almost all of us can relate: outerwear.
Most of your friends probably wear similar clothing to you. Not that everyone has the same taste in fashion, but generally speaking, there are lots of similarities. You shop at many of the same stores… your closets are similarly sized… and the dollar amounts spent on any one outfit probably don’t vary too greatly.
This is true because most of us choose to spend our personal time with people who are strikingly similar. We feel comfortable and accepted among them.
But when you are pulled from your regular social circle, you may begin to notice and feel self-conscious about things you wouldn’t normally feel that way about.
Imagine attending a party or a work function surrounded by people from a higher socio-economic class. They arrive wearing their fancy dresses and tailored suits. Suddenly, the clothes you used to wear with no misgivings begin to feel and look different. You notice they are a little faded, not quite as fitted, or a specific brand not nearly as expensive as the clothes being worn around you.
And in this moment, you begin to feel a tinge of embarrassment—not because the clothes are any different from what you normally wear, but because your immediate culture’s expression of normal has changed dramatically.
As I mentioned, for most of us, these feelings of embarrassment did not end when we graduated school. They continue even into adulthood.
Here’s my point and why I think this is important. As a parent living in the suburbs, I am beginning to notice an unfortunate, dangerous trend:
We are getting embarrassed over all the wrong things. (tweet that)
Because we live in a culture that normalizes the pursuit of appearances, possessions, and selfish gain, feelings of awkwardness and shame surface when we do not measure up in these areas.
We get embarrassed that our clothes are last year’s fashion, that our vehicle costs less than the neighbor’s, or that our house is smaller than our guest’s. We apologize for the worn carpet, make excuses for the outdated kitchen, or point out specifically why we haven’t updated the countertops yet.
Because those pursuits and values have become normalized, we are prone to feel embarrassment over them—even if there is nothing wrong with the things we already have. This experience (or fear) of embarrassment fuels our urge to own more.
But what would happen if we stopped getting embarrassed over the wrong things and started pursuing the right things?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the brand of our clothing, we became embarrassed over the size of our walk-in closet?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the type of car we drive, we became embarrassed over how often we take that luxury for granted?
What if, instead of being embarrassed because our house is too small, we became embarrassed over the amount of unused space within it?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the quality and quantity of our possessions, we became embarrassed over how much money we have spent on our own selfish pursuits?
What if excess became the embarrassment? And responsible living that championed generosity became the norm?
Maybe then, we could become a little more proud of normal.
I like to turn the embarrassing questions around in my mind OR if they are said to me? Can’t you afford a newer car? Yes, we can and this car is still in great shape. Why is having newer car important to you.
Or my favorite is about our cell phones and lack of being on them all the time. I say “We want to enjoy life and this moment.” Why do you feel the need to escape to a phone instead of enjoying now?
I love this take. Im going to be using this moving forward. A relative asked me why I dont have anything hanging on my wall in my living room. I like minimal and her house looked like a store. I felt a little bit of shame and I shouldnt. Next time Ill turn it around and ask them why its important for them.
I write from London and I am a middle school teacher and I love this post and right on spot comments. We live and learn. This goes straight to my heart.
I have always been one to dress appropriately for the occasion, funeral, wedding, out to dinner…etc. I get what most of you are saying about not trying to impress people. I think one can look nice and not have to spend a lot of money. I can be minimal and still have that one nice dress for a funeral or nice outfit for dinner and those other occasions I mentioned. It shows respect for the other people involved and respect for myself included. There is also something to be said for being well groomed and taking care of your appearance.
Interesting, and I’m sure I’ve never seen an article on this topic before, at least not with this focus. I’ve been embarrassed by the “right” things (according to the article) for most of my life. Maybe it was spending time in 3rd world countries when I was a kid — I don’t know. Anyway, just feeling embarrassed about the right things doesn’t fix anything if, like me, you choose to continue to be “normal” even though you don’t want to. I continue to choose normal and suffer the embarrassment of having too much in private. Am I just weird?
I think a mindset of generosity, or a lack thereof as it were, does warrant embarrassment. But with the undeniable evidence of the terrible damage our consumerist culture continues to have on our planet, it is positively mortifying that we continue to knowingly contribute to our own demise! This demonstrates, not only has our species lost hold of meaningful values, but we’re just plain stupid!
(Not a soap box lecture or outward accusation. Just an observation of a problem, which I recognise I also contribute to ? Always trying to learn & improve! And I find the environmental aspect of consumerism to be a meaningful motivator for changing my personal habits ?).
I agree, the environmental impact, definitely is a motivator for me as well.
Hello and thank you for sharing a positive way to overcome some shallow aspects that are morw and more common! Unfortunately, it is in the human nature to always want, to always struggle and tough it has taken humanity far- leading to breakthrougs and innovations, it stills leaves most of us terribly frustrated. Someone mentioned maturity as a way to overcome emberressment but some of us never get to such a mindset and the verocious marketing campaigns or the entourage don’t help at all?. I think it depends on how selfaware you are and how much of a value system you have and stick to it. The family is the starting point where we learn about who we are and how things are…but at a point it gets more blurry and you either become more of an individual or society molds you into whatever it wants…A certain degree of awareness and emotional intelligence help tip the scale. But in the end it is pretty random.
Maturity changes that….When I was very young, I use to wonder why so many older people did not keep up with the trends. Then as I got older, I realized that trends were not always better , what made me comfortable was what was best….and if it worked, it was fine….If I find something is not right for me, I change it. Trends are changed to sell stuff….In the 80s, Victorian clutter was a trend….what a pain to clean and dust all that clutter…Everyone has their own faves.
Great article as usual. Something about it reminded me of a short story I read in university. If you get the chance, it would be worth your while to look up ‘The Snob’ by Morley Callaghan. This story sums up many things wrong with materialistic ways and why we should love people and use things, not the other way around.
I wear my dress jeans for special occasions. My regular jeans have patches on the knees so that my knees don’t stick out and are protected. When the jeans get real bad they are patch material. I am only concerned about them if the waist is too tight and are uncomfortable at the waist or they are too loose and are offensive when I bend over. My T shirts and sweatshirts (not hoodies) just get worn until they have too many holes to function as they were intended. Shoes/boots are to keep my feet dry and warm. I do have dress sweatshirts and boots for special occasions. As far as I am concerned all this other touchy-feely crap is just that.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Society teaches us that our worth is based on compliance, obedience, appearance, performance, talents, grades, scores, degrees, salaries, titles, accomplishments, possessions, and success. Some of this is because of our education system is focused on grades, tests, and competition (even bell curve grading where it’s expected that some will fail, some will do okay, and some will excel) rather than learning (to think, analyze, design, create, discuss theories, write essays, debate, collaborate, be on a team), so it does not prepare young people to be happy, functioning, contributing, equal and valued members of society (even if they don’t go to college). (My fiance was an 8th grade shop teacher and taught using John Dewey’s education concepts which is very different from our education system.)
And our society and systems teach us to grab a slice of the (perceived) scarce pie and that life is like a competitive game of musical chairs so it’s acceptable that some will lose (i.e., be homeless, jobless, hungry, without medical care and without a living wage). Until we change our systems, and stop accepting the unacceptable (and labeling people as losers and less than), there will be the haves and the have nots and we’ll be stuck playing the never-ending game of grabbing more and having more and being more for fear of not being worthy of one of the musical chairs.
I have been fortunate that since I was small I always felt the need to be a little different. The idea of fitting in terrified me a little. I wasn’t outspoken or rebellious, I just painted my sneakers while others fought over Reeboks. I was teased and bullied mercilessly. I didnt have a good home life, I was poor and I was awkward. I was never jealous of others, not once, I just needed for the world to catch up.
Now Im on the other side of the world and everything that made me unpopular and unfashionable is what makes people warm to me; authenticity and a lack of need to conform.
I love to minimalize but I’m also creative. I love to give and I love to watch others flourish. I feel truly lucky that I never cared about cars or sneaker brands or house sizes and I know others desire my freedom of thought more than I would ever desire their approval or be concerned about comparison.
Thanks for the great blog!
This is something I totally understand. I was the rebellious and against the norms and craftily creative. It was nice to belonging and the things changed when I married. I wanted all the opposite of the Jones because that’s what I wanted for our family. Looking back it would be what I would choose for my life if we had to do it again. Minimalist is exactly what this is. And it just feel not who we are if we kept up with the Jones. You are so right on point , our choices changes with age. Bravo !
I was just like most people in my teenage and young adult years in that I was embarrassed by what I didn’t have. I couldn’t afford a new car; I couldn’t shop at Nordstrom; and on and on. Then I became rich. And I realized that the vast majority of the rich people (and not those simply aspiring to be so) don’t give a cuss about these things. It took a lot of my keeping-up-with-the-Jones’s anxiety away. I actually never graduated college. You know who cared about that? My friends with bachelors degrees. You know who doesn’t care one iota? All those people around me with MDs, JDs, and PhDs. My husband’s car is a 9-year-old Camry that’s all beat up on the outside and we love it. None of our friends even bat an eye when we pull up in that thing. I buy most of my clothes at Target. I get complimented ALL the time on the necklace I bought for $1 on the Walmart clearance rack and nobody’s horrified when I tell them that. I’m not saying all this to brag; I’m saying it to help anyone out there who is stuck in a keeping-up-with-the-Jones’s rut. It may seem like, from watching TV, that all rich people go around wearing Gucci and driving fancy cars, but most don’t. You’re more likely to get talked about in a negative way if you’re living beyond your means. That guy standing next to you in line at the grocery store, wearing ratty khakis and a fleece, might just be a neurosurgeon who pulls down over a million dollars a year. When you free yourself from the idea that you need fancy stuff, you can truly start to live.
Your comment really resonates with me. From the book The Millionaire Next Door, I realized that a lot of wealthy folks drive simple cars, wear simple clothes, and live well below their means. My husband and I find it so amusing when friends try to subtly shame us about our used cars, my cheap flip phone, etc. But as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” We don’t feel embarrassed. We feel smart. And when my best friend’s son was sweating about how he was going to get to his college final when his car was in an accident, I immediately handed over my beat up van keys. The look on his face was utter relief. I was so happy to help out. His parents refused to loan him their BMW or Mercedes.
Thank you for sharing this! I noticed the same thing with friends that are super wealthy. They lived in a multi million dollar home but both drove older Camrys. And the husband never dressed very nice. In fact he showed up to represent us on our house closing in sweats! ?
People sound so sympathetic when, for whatever reason I have to say “I can’t, I don’t have internet on my phone.”
We have recently had this experience. It has only been in the last few months that I have realized how grateful I am for the little things. I was in a car accident on Nov 15. I had a brand new car, a smart phone, GPS. satellite radio, all of which were destroyed in seconds when a teen driver crossed the center line. I was so proud of these things because I grew up poor and thought I needed to acquire “things” to prove I had made it. I was nearly killed. Suddenly, after laying in the trauma unit for a while, I started thinking. I began thinking about what was important before and what is important now. I was so thankful to hear my husband’s voice and see my parents and my kids when I woke up. I decided not to replace my cell phone. I do not own one. I decided not to replace the new car or the GPS, or the radio. Instead, we drive a 16 year old van and listen to public radio and sing along. This is hard for my 15 year old son to digest as he goes to a private school where most kids are dropped off in a BMW or a Benz. I hope what I am teaching him is far more valuable than the embarrassment I sense, but he rarely mentions. I want my kids to understand we are not here to buy more and more and work harder to pay for it. As of now, I am unable to work as I am learning to walk normally again. Money is tight, but that’s okay because so is the love.
“What if, instead of being embarrassed because our house is too small, we became embarrassed over the amount of unused space within it?”
I am trying to create lots of unused space by decluttering and minimising; the whole point of the becoming minimalist franchise. Short of selling my house, would you recommend:
A) I have unused space in my home, or
B) I use the space by filling out with stuff?
I think he’s speaking more about people who have huge houses with unused bedrooms they don’t need, 2 living rooms that sort of thing.
How about if we started teaching our children, and reinforcing it to adults that we are all equal and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. “Embarrassment” implies not measuring up. Teaching our kids and re-learning as adults, to be comfortable in ourselves, eliminates embarrassment. It also can go along way to increasing tolerance, and reducing bigotry, hatred and bullying.
We still have our 1999 F-150 white pickup truck and love “Gracie” as if she were an old family pet. She runs well and even with a bit of rust under the driver side door and a small hole where the driver sits…. she is perfect. She holds such history and so many memories of picnics on her tailgate. We are not young…. ready to retire and I hope and pray Gracie is around to spend many retirement years with us! Also we purchased our home 34 years ago to flip and then the coal mines closed and we love our small 1000 sq. ft. home in the center of our small Midwestern town that we decided to keep for ourselves. We recovered financially years ago but the mine closure was one of the best things that ever happened to us. Our life became simpler way back then and we have never looked back even when times became good again. Life is Good and a simpler life is GREAT!