Both of my kids just got glasses. Their squints to read digital clocks were becoming more and more apparent. And we had warned them for months that an eye appointment was upcoming.
But not until just recently were our suspicions officially confirmed. New eyeglasses were ordered, picked up, and fitted.
Alexa, my daughter, picked purple glasses and kinda likes wearing them. It certainly helps that her friends refer to them as “adorable.”
But my 12-year old son? Not so much. In fact, he hates wearing them—at least, that is, when he is around his friends.
When he is home alone with us, wearing glasses is not a problem. He can see the computer screen better, he can read books easier, and he can read the clock on the oven without having to stand up and walk closer.
But around his friends, he wears them only when absolutely necessary. His glasses cause him embarrassment… some things never change.
Embarrassment. It is an interesting topic when you stop to think about it.
To be embarrassed is to experience a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness. Most often, these feelings are sparked by moments where we feel different, slightly apart from normal, or out of place.
It seems these feelings of inadequacy begin to emerge in grade school and strengthen through high school as our self-awareness grows. They arise from any number of causes: being one of the first to wear glasses, having unique physical characteristics, or being singled out in class or social circles.
As we get older, these feelings (and the fear) of embarrassment continue to surface. But the stakes get higher.
We no longer get embarrassed about just wearing glasses, we may also become embarrassed about the particular brand of glasses we wear. Or even worse, how much money our parents have to spend on them.
Interestingly, these feelings of embarrassment stem from our baseline understanding of normal, and any subsequent deviation from it. After all, nobody feels embarrassed for just being normal.
But our understanding of normal is an entirely subjective measurement most often defined by the social circles with which we surround ourselves.
This may be best illustrated by a hypothetical situation to which almost all of us can relate: outerwear.
Most of your friends probably wear similar clothing to you. Not that everyone has the same taste in fashion, but generally speaking, there are lots of similarities. You shop at many of the same stores… your closets are similarly sized… and the dollar amounts spent on any one outfit probably don’t vary too greatly.
This is true because most of us choose to spend our personal time with people who are strikingly similar. We feel comfortable and accepted among them.
But when you are pulled from your regular social circle, you may begin to notice and feel self-conscious about things you wouldn’t normally feel that way about.
Imagine attending a party or a work function surrounded by people from a higher socio-economic class. They arrive wearing their fancy dresses and tailored suits. Suddenly, the clothes you used to wear with no misgivings begin to feel and look different. You notice they are a little faded, not quite as fitted, or a specific brand not nearly as expensive as the clothes being worn around you.
And in this moment, you begin to feel a tinge of embarrassment—not because the clothes are any different from what you normally wear, but because your immediate culture’s expression of normal has changed dramatically.
As I mentioned, for most of us, these feelings of embarrassment did not end when we graduated school. They continue even into adulthood.
Here’s my point and why I think this is important. As a parent living in the suburbs, I am beginning to notice an unfortunate, dangerous trend:
We are getting embarrassed over all the wrong things. (tweet that)
Because we live in a culture that normalizes the pursuit of appearances, possessions, and selfish gain, feelings of awkwardness and shame surface when we do not measure up in these areas.
We get embarrassed that our clothes are last year’s fashion, that our vehicle costs less than the neighbor’s, or that our house is smaller than our guest’s. We apologize for the worn carpet, make excuses for the outdated kitchen, or point out specifically why we haven’t updated the countertops yet.
Because those pursuits and values have become normalized, we are prone to feel embarrassment over them—even if there is nothing wrong with the things we already have. This experience (or fear) of embarrassment fuels our urge to own more.
But what would happen if we stopped getting embarrassed over the wrong things and started pursuing the right things?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the brand of our clothing, we became embarrassed over the size of our walk-in closet?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the type of car we drive, we became embarrassed over how often we take that luxury for granted?
What if, instead of being embarrassed because our house is too small, we became embarrassed over the amount of unused space within it?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the quality and quantity of our possessions, we became embarrassed over how much money we have spent on our own selfish pursuits?
What if excess became the embarrassment? And responsible living that championed generosity became the norm?
Maybe then, we could become a little more proud of normal.
Tina says
I feel if I have enough to wear I don’t need more. I fill the recycling bin every day and a bag for Goodwill once a week. There is food for the food pantry too. Enough is too much. We could live with a lot less and so could other families. If we use meat as a condiment instead of the basis of a meal we are using less resources.
Shelly @ pursuingmommygreatness.com says
AMEN.
I was just thinking about this very idea/issue the other day when I was at my daughter’s school. I caught the end of a conversation where a junior high boy was apologizing to his friends for the car he was getting into (his mom’s). He went on to state that the “better car” they had was in the shop. It made me sad, mad, and frustrated all at the same time. Clearly he was embarrassed, and just wanted to fit in. I wanted to tell him that these things don’t matter. There is so much more to life. Think beyond your stuff, dear one. In the end, you’ll be leaving it all behind anyway.
Ugh. I hate that we live in this society where we are defined by what we look like and what we have. I think that’s why I love the concept of minimalism so much. The emphasis gets shifted on to what is really important. I love that minimalism and everything that comes with it has the ability to give us our voice back and choose what truly defines us. It gives us the ability to say, no. We are not what we have. We are much much MORE than that.
Shelly @ pursuingmommygreatness.com says
AMEN.
I was just thinking about this very idea/issue the other day when I was at my daughter’s school. I caught the end of a conversation where a junior high boy was apologizing to his friends for the car he was getting into (his mom’s). He went on to state that the “better car” they had was in the shop. It made me sad, mad, and frustrated all at the same time. Clearly he was embarrassed, and just wanted to fit in. I wanted to tell him that these things don’t matter. There is so much more to life. Think beyond your stuff, dear one. In the end, you’ll be leaving it all behind anyway.
Ugh. I hate that we live in this society where we are defined by what we look like and what we have. I think that’s why I love the concept of minimalism so much. The emphasis gets shifted on to what is really important. I love that minimalism and everything that comes with is has the ability to give us our voice back and choose what truly defines us. It gives us the ability to say, no. We are not what we have. We are much much MORE than that.
Sandy Massone says
I love your question – what would happen if we stopped getting embarrassed over the wrong things and started pursuing the right things? It would certainly help my priorities in life become much more clear. Definitely something to sit with. Thanks for sharing!
Ellen Scott Grable says
Another home run! This is an excellent topic and the timing perfect.
I am living in my family home with my daughter and it is much too large. I am selling the house next year but in the meantime this was really bothersome for us living in a city with such high cost of living and visiting.
My solution was two years ago I joined Couchsurfing.com and opened our home to travelers to stay for a night or two for free. My folks were delighted with the interesting travelers that came through our doors. Yes, the couches have seen better days, the carpet isn’t perfect (we have three dogs) but no one ever seemed to mind. They were always so thankful to have an alternative to buggy noisy hostels or overpriced hotels.
I move in very different socio-economic groups in my life which has allowed me the freedom to just be myself. I will not have the best or worst of anything in any given group and that is a-okay with me.
This is a topic worthy of deeper discussion. Thanks for being a bright light in sometimes dark world.
Tracey Martin says
This is so on point Joshua. I too have noticed a shift in what causes embarrassment in people as society’s norm has become more of a selfish mentality and less of a Christ-like mentality.
Rebecca says
Thanks for this post. If only this were true now. So far we have not gotten into this. My daughter does wear glasses but, it helps that both mom and dad do too so she is not as embarrassed. I am dreading the teen years but, will have to cross that bridge when we get to it.
Thanks for everything you do and for all the great posts. Have a great holidays!
ginny says
Thank you for such insightful words especially at this time of year. Your words reasonate with me and I hope to embrace a life more of meaning than of things.
AJ says
Thank you for another insightful article.
My first thought was … So much is tied to our own self-esteem and our desire to be accepted, to be well-regarded, to be loved. But it is not just the stuff we wear. We can also “wear” and flaunt experiences, accomplishments, even personality/characteristics (altruism, charitable, minimalism) in pursuit of acceptance and love. People who post on Facebook or Instagram thrive on positive comments and “likes,” just as much as people wearing the latest fashions. I think this is the normal human condition … we all want to be loved.
My second thought was … We have met the enemy, and the enemy is us. We create the embarrassment because, more often than not, we make our love and acceptance conditional (i.e., the giving of our love and acceptance). Children and puppies get a free pass, but everyone else has to qualify for approval, acceptance, and love. I think we seek out people who look and sound and dress like us, because these are shortcuts to love and acceptance, like a secret code to circumvent our judgmental nature.
My final thought was aspirational and spiritual … What would my life look like if I truly “loved my neighbor as myself?” Is it even possible? Could I actually live so that the people around me felt absolutely and completely loved and accepted, no matter what they did or said or wore? Could I even do so for 24 hours, unconditionally love and accept every single person with whom I had contact?
Joshua, thank you for provoking these important and fundamental questions.
Larissa says
AJ – your comment has really resonated with me. I am wrestling with the choice of giving Facebook the flick, trying to work out exactly why I have it and if it is good or bad for me.
Unconditional love, this is the highest calling. Something I definitely need to be more mindful of and deliberate about.
Your third point will be added to my 2015 challenges. Permanently.
Georganne says
Love your posts, Joshua. I’ve shared several to better describe our own lifestyle choices because you usually say it better than I can.
One heads-up, your emails have started locking up my Outlook with a feedburner error, taking 2+ minutes to contact feedburner for some image or URL. I usually have to go into email on an alternate device and delete your email, force close Outlook on my computer, and reopen to have it sync again. I’ve seen the same issue from time to time with other blogs, so I feel it’s probably a feedburner glitch. Long story short, I can’t read all your emails, which makes me sad. Hope you can find a fix or workaround.