Both of my kids just got glasses. Their squints to read digital clocks were becoming more and more apparent. And we had warned them for months that an eye appointment was upcoming.
But not until just recently were our suspicions officially confirmed. New eyeglasses were ordered, picked up, and fitted.
Alexa, my daughter, picked purple glasses and kinda likes wearing them. It certainly helps that her friends refer to them as “adorable.”
But my 12-year old son? Not so much. In fact, he hates wearing them—at least, that is, when he is around his friends.
When he is home alone with us, wearing glasses is not a problem. He can see the computer screen better, he can read books easier, and he can read the clock on the oven without having to stand up and walk closer.
But around his friends, he wears them only when absolutely necessary. His glasses cause him embarrassment… some things never change.
Embarrassment. It is an interesting topic when you stop to think about it.
To be embarrassed is to experience a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness. Most often, these feelings are sparked by moments where we feel different, slightly apart from normal, or out of place.
It seems these feelings of inadequacy begin to emerge in grade school and strengthen through high school as our self-awareness grows. They arise from any number of causes: being one of the first to wear glasses, having unique physical characteristics, or being singled out in class or social circles.
As we get older, these feelings (and the fear) of embarrassment continue to surface. But the stakes get higher.
We no longer get embarrassed about just wearing glasses, we may also become embarrassed about the particular brand of glasses we wear. Or even worse, how much money our parents have to spend on them.
Interestingly, these feelings of embarrassment stem from our baseline understanding of normal, and any subsequent deviation from it. After all, nobody feels embarrassed for just being normal.
But our understanding of normal is an entirely subjective measurement most often defined by the social circles with which we surround ourselves.
This may be best illustrated by a hypothetical situation to which almost all of us can relate: outerwear.
Most of your friends probably wear similar clothing to you. Not that everyone has the same taste in fashion, but generally speaking, there are lots of similarities. You shop at many of the same stores… your closets are similarly sized… and the dollar amounts spent on any one outfit probably don’t vary too greatly.
This is true because most of us choose to spend our personal time with people who are strikingly similar. We feel comfortable and accepted among them.
But when you are pulled from your regular social circle, you may begin to notice and feel self-conscious about things you wouldn’t normally feel that way about.
Imagine attending a party or a work function surrounded by people from a higher socio-economic class. They arrive wearing their fancy dresses and tailored suits. Suddenly, the clothes you used to wear with no misgivings begin to feel and look different. You notice they are a little faded, not quite as fitted, or a specific brand not nearly as expensive as the clothes being worn around you.
And in this moment, you begin to feel a tinge of embarrassment—not because the clothes are any different from what you normally wear, but because your immediate culture’s expression of normal has changed dramatically.
As I mentioned, for most of us, these feelings of embarrassment did not end when we graduated school. They continue even into adulthood.
Here’s my point and why I think this is important. As a parent living in the suburbs, I am beginning to notice an unfortunate, dangerous trend:
We are getting embarrassed over all the wrong things. (tweet that)
Because we live in a culture that normalizes the pursuit of appearances, possessions, and selfish gain, feelings of awkwardness and shame surface when we do not measure up in these areas.
We get embarrassed that our clothes are last year’s fashion, that our vehicle costs less than the neighbor’s, or that our house is smaller than our guest’s. We apologize for the worn carpet, make excuses for the outdated kitchen, or point out specifically why we haven’t updated the countertops yet.
Because those pursuits and values have become normalized, we are prone to feel embarrassment over them—even if there is nothing wrong with the things we already have. This experience (or fear) of embarrassment fuels our urge to own more.
But what would happen if we stopped getting embarrassed over the wrong things and started pursuing the right things?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the brand of our clothing, we became embarrassed over the size of our walk-in closet?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the type of car we drive, we became embarrassed over how often we take that luxury for granted?
What if, instead of being embarrassed because our house is too small, we became embarrassed over the amount of unused space within it?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the quality and quantity of our possessions, we became embarrassed over how much money we have spent on our own selfish pursuits?
What if excess became the embarrassment? And responsible living that championed generosity became the norm?
Maybe then, we could become a little more proud of normal.
Jayne Hellier says
So true and so sad. Society has certainty set a president putting emphasis on the wrong things. It’s no wonder why young people are insecure in their lives.
betts says
we SHOULD be embarrassed by the debt we own but then….no one gets to SEE that……
thank, m.becker , for ur insights ……….
Jessica Parsons says
Sometimes, the embarrassment you feel means you need different friends!
Seriously though, I delayed getting our son glasses because I remember how much I got teased about mine back in the day. At least in our area, lots of kids have glasses and nobody makes an issue of it for him – thank goodness!
Corinne says
Is living in the suburbs considering positive or negative? I live in Europe so don’t have a clue but wondered why this piece of your life was mentioned. Reading it has given me to head shaking at times because it’s difficult to rationalise why its necessary to put a label on my lifestyle. We live within our means, have everything we need and our home, a subject you made mention of in this post, is small (100m2) but perfect for our family of 3. We travel and enjoy experiencing cultural events with family and friends. Great blog, btw!
Marci says
Very well written.
Tina H. says
The sad root cause of this type of social embarrassment is not natural. Rather, it’s based on the peer socialization inherent in mass schooling, a phenomenon that steals children’s individuality and results in this type of unnecessary embarrassment throughout life. People ignorantly question the “socialization” of homeschooled kids, but they really have it all over other kids where it really matters in this realm. Specifically, homeschooled kids are never peer socialized – so they never come to believe that their worth depends on how similar they are to others. As a result, homeschooled kids are generally more outgoing and self-confident as adolescents and beyond – studies show this, much to the chagrin of mass schooling proponents. So, bottom line: If one wants to promote healthy confidence and self-assurance in one’s children, homeschool.
Lavanna says
That is very interesting and I never thought of that perspective. Thank you, Tina!
Tiffany says
I was able to homeschool for a while and have also had children in public school. I agree 100%
Chris says
Totally agree.
Sadie says
I would suggest that nothing is more natural than peer socialization and feeling embarrassed when you find that you are different. Even animals experience it! Homeschooled kids ARE socialized– but they are socialized to a different group of people. They are just as dependent on fitting in as any other human, but they are fitting in to their family culture rather than their peer group. Whether this is a plus or a minus is a matter of opinion, but they certainly are striving to “fit in,” because everyone strives to belong to a group. As a parent, it’s important to be aware of the ways that your kids are conforming their behavior to win YOUR approval– perhaps by making a point of rejecting whatever it is their peers are into.
I think what’s important is that kids, as well as adults, be able to navigate situations in which they feel different or embarrassed by finding common ground and connecting with whatever group they may find themselves in, while being conscious of how they may be influenced by that group. We all have to decide what our core values are, but we do that in a social context and it’s good to be conscious of the role that plays.
Maud says
Our children (13, 11, and 7) are homeschooled. They socialize with a few neighbors and friends from church and are very comfortable around them. They play sports in the Fall and are comfortable around those friends, too (they all wear the same soccer uniform). There never seems to be an issue concerning fashion trends. As a matter of fact, when a friend receives something new, like a toy, sunglasses, or a new bike, there doesn’t seem to be a sense of jealousy. On the contrary, they are always excited for each other, and cannot wait to share.
When I went to school, I was very self conscious of my clothing. My parents did not buy me the latest trendy clothes. Most of the time, my mom made my clothes. Now, this was not because we didn’t have money to buy clothes. We did, but my parents were minimalists and didn’t care about the latest trends, etc. They cared about traveling and took me with them everywhere. ????????❤️
I lived at the time in the French West Indies and even though I lived on a French island, I was not immune to the marketing fads. You were the cool kid if you wore Polo, not a homemade skirt covered in small hearts. The sad thing is I that I would be so happy about the skirt my mother made me. I would watch her make it and couldn’t wait to wear it. Then, I would get to school and the very same skirt would bring me a sense of grief and rejection.
I felt lonely and desired to fit in because I just wanted to have a friend. It’s very hard to be in middle school and not feel accepted by your peers.
The embarrassment and loneliness is very destructive. It leads to a sense of unimportance that can lead to depression.
R says
I would never home school. Yes it has it’s positives, but for true child development, it is a poor alternative to being in an actual school.
Being in a school around children (who are not related to you) and adults (who are not related to you), is REALLY important for human development. You don’t just lean maths and english in school, you learn how to interact with others and your personality develops.
I have several degrees from university, but I also am the first in my family to go complete high school. I also know of relatives who never even finished school. It is evident to me how important traditional schools are for development. You grow with every person you meet and have to develop friendships with. You just won’t get that in a home environment.
Homeschooling is not good for children overall, compared to traditional schooling. If you don’t believe me look up the research in this area, instead of relying on mere anecdotal stories. When you’re homeschooled, your environment is limited. In an actual school, you learn to deal with a far greater number of both positive and negative situations in terms of human interactions, and this develops character.
School is where you get out of the comfort zone (or disaster zone) of living at home around people you know and who care about you. In school, you learn about the myriad ways in which you relate to others, how you can relate to others, and how you can live, learn and grow. You also meet people you can’t stand and that true has it’s value. You live and learn.
Would you rather spend years in a your own back garden learning about the world, or would you go out into a big unknown forest and discover the world? That’s the best analogy I can think of right now. I know what I would choose, but don’t believe me, look up the best research that has been done by scientists in this area, and believe them..instead of believing your own naive beliefs.
Homeschool children? No way.
R says
Excuse the typos and grammatical errors – it is past 2 am in London!
P says
For being so educated you sure are ignorant. Your analogy of the backyard garden is very fitting to describe children boxed into a classroom day after day. You should definitely NEVER homeschool. You would do a terrible job.
E.C. says
I’m curious have you ever met someone that you found out was homeschooled? I’ve never had anyone in my adult life guess that I was homeschooled.
Every opportunity that was right or necessary for my development my family said yes to. We didn’t have a lot of money but we had the freedom to take good opportunities. At thirteen years old I spoke in front of almost four hundred people. It was uncomfortable but necessary. I later starred in plays that received standing ovations. I learned every subject that my public school peers learned and then some. I had the opportunity to take classes that challenged me knowing that I wasn’t jeopardizing my GPA. Why? I had the necessary credits so my mom could say just do that class for you.
I learned I was not beneath anyone. I developed a keen sense of self. I don’t accept being treated wrongly. My first test in college the professor threw out half of the test. She threw out the section I made a hundred on just to benefit the majority that failed to learn the prescribed matieral. I didn’t accept that. I respectfully approached her after class. The next day I got the grade I worked for. I graduated with a 4.0. I started working full time 2 days later.
Unfortunately that strength and confidence is not what teenagers are receiving at public schools. For five years I worked with public school, private school and homeschooled kids. I heard numerous girls in public schools recount the sexual assaults they face daily. The most striking part is that nothing is done. If it isn’t seen by a teacher than you just have to keep dealing with it. If you say something the treatment often gets worse. You can’t fathom the amount of teenagers that I met that had attempted suicide. Most of these kids were in public school and a handful in private school. It is a nightmare.
I would much rather have strong daughters that aren’t subjected and conditioned to accept poor treatment. I would much rather have sons that stand up for others and don’t go with the flow. In the professional world I’ve faced verbal sexual assualt. I didn’t put up with. I never worked with those people again, because I can stand up for myself.
I have no back down button on right and wrong. I was always heard growing up. My parents instilled in me strength to stand up for others and myself.
If you really want to examine the issue ask teenagers in the mall what they face in school. Attend a homeschool co-op event and ask the teenagers what they face in school. The issues kids face should challenge them to growth not to contemplate suicide.
Jayadeep Purushothaman says
Traditional schooling treats every kid as a part that flows in the production line and every part has to pass through the same steps which is utter nonsense to me and completely unnatural.
Ulrike says
Hi, could you please give links to the studies you mentioned? I would be very interested to read more about this. Thanks
Donna says
So true Tina, our 8 year old is in public and we at home lead a very simple life. I am finding it more and more difficult to deal with the “I need this to be cool” attitude!!! I have a hard time listening to it. My response is always the same, people are important, being with the ones you love and doing good. She gets it but is still criticized in school. It makes me very sad to know this is happening to our youngsters.
Jett says
Embarrassment is a sign, just like anger. There is nothing wrong with embarrassment, what is wrong how we react to it. Feeling embarrassment may indicate mere irritation, and can simply be felt and released. But it may be a sign of a greater problem. Personally, I’m not embarrassed about the excess I have. Even though I’m not embarrassed, I am realizing more and more I don’t need so many things and can let them go. I tend to agree with Laurie. I’d rather we all could simply accept more and chastise less. I think a byproduct of that would be giving more to others, and inspiring others to do the same.
Adan says
Great article. Thank you for sharing it.
Laurie says
The article would have been fantastic if it ended with “…stop being embarrassed by the wrong things and start pursuing the right things.” Because sadly, I DO feel embarrassed over the size of my closet and extra space. I have friends over and immediately start in, “This house was such a great deal…short sale you know.” I feel embarrassed and apologetic about a blessing instead of feeling thankful. And why? Wouldn’t it be nice if we could ALL shrug off embarrassment and just appreciate the joy that finds its way into everyone’s life?
Amber says
Very true
the gold digger says
It’s a variation of, “I found this sweater on sale! At a consignment store!” (A SNL skit ended with one woman telling the other, “They PAID me to take this dress!”)
Although for me, it’s more of a, “I am not going to pay retail” thing. But still, it is a way to show off what I value, which is thrift and the ability to find a deal. What would embarrass me is if people thought I was wasteful with my money.
Linda M says
Good point!
Ann says
I do that, too, Laurie! I’m embarrassed by our big house and fancy furniture (that came with the house) and feel the need to let everyone know that is really was a fantastic deal. It is a blessing that God brought about (His hand was all over it) so why should I be embarrassed? But I am.
Cathy says
I’m thinking about all those who have nothing or just share a small room, little or no furniture, struggle to feed their families or those who simply have less. Are they unblessed? “Untouched” by his hand. You shouldn’t bring God into the conversation or link his greatness to your big “luxurious”?stuff. It shows your unwillingness to take responsibility.
Kim Jordan says
I agree Cathy. I am amazed at the many who believe that God chose them to have the luxuries.
Deborah says
I really doubt that’s what they were saying. God often blesses people with homes, He also blesses them by removing homes. The presumption that claiming God has blessed you, is actually a form of superiority rather than open praise is unfair, and unkind. It is impossible to know their hearts and not for anyone but God to judge. We should praise God for His blessings in everything, and because someone is blessed with a house, or a car in no wise indicates God is not blessing those who do not have a house or a car. Not does it indicate we should not praise God for the blessings He gives for fear of offending others. That’s just not how it works. Should I not praise God that He protect my children from death in a recent car crash for fear of offending those who lost someone in accidents? I think not.
Donna Longmire says
Yes, you said what I was thinking. When someone claims that God has chosen to bless them over others, it can be just another form of superiority or pride. Why not leave it as “We got a fabulous deal and we are very grateful.”
I think God cares more about our “hearts” than our “houses”.
Pam says
God has nothing to do with it. If that were true, then God has a grudge against all those who don’t have much. Why would He favor you? Something to think about.
Peg says
Each one’s relationship with God is their own & no one is capable of making determinations one way or another about another’s blessings – material or otherwise as they are deeply subjective.
Interesting how the various comments are indicative of each one’s relationship with God (or lack there of due to choice) & how each personally believes God blesses or doesn’t.
How wonderful it would be to recognize all blessings, celebrate & rejoice together being happy for one another rather than to dismiss, judge & shame which only results in division.
Peace~
Jojo May says
Oh you echo my own heart!! I discovered years ago that others rarely look at each other and thank the Lord for the blessings He’s bestowed… rather they try to make others feel guilty and that transforms into embarrassment. Once I saw that… I determined simply to live my life before God.. not others.. and the pangs I used to have around certain groups disappeared.. and in its place .. pure contentment for the blessings in life!
Noelle says
I don’t have an amazing cell phone, or phone plan. I am using a trashy, holding on by a prayer, trac phone. It’s 3 years old and I only use about 10.00 per month on it. Hardly anyone has the number, I just use it for emergencies, or VERY quick conversations and the occasional text. I committed when my kids were babies to take the money that a phone and plan would cost, and invest it for their college. The only time I felt slightly weird about it, believe it or not, was in a group of 5th graders. I was helping in a class and a girl pointed out that I was the only one in the room (OF KIDS) that didn’t have a bla bla bla. (Whichever fancy phone her parents had just bought her) Kind of cracks me up now, looking back, that it never bothered me before in the slightest, but being around a bunch of 11 year olds made me self-conscious.
Pam says
Hey, Noelle…I too have a Tracfone & have had for years. I’ve upgraded twice so now I have an android Tracfone that costs me $10 a month. As I’ve gotten older, I’m about to turn 73, I find that a lot of things I used to be embarrassed about, don’t matter anymore. Life is so much easier when you’re not worried about whether or not you’ve got the best, newest, most popular things. I had painted this on my wall in my last, bigger house, “The best things in life aren’t things”. I try to live by that in my much smaller home I have today.