Both of my kids just got glasses. Their squints to read digital clocks were becoming more and more apparent. And we had warned them for months that an eye appointment was upcoming.
But not until just recently were our suspicions officially confirmed. New eyeglasses were ordered, picked up, and fitted.
Alexa, my daughter, picked purple glasses and kinda likes wearing them. It certainly helps that her friends refer to them as “adorable.”
But my 12-year old son? Not so much. In fact, he hates wearing them—at least, that is, when he is around his friends.
When he is home alone with us, wearing glasses is not a problem. He can see the computer screen better, he can read books easier, and he can read the clock on the oven without having to stand up and walk closer.
But around his friends, he wears them only when absolutely necessary. His glasses cause him embarrassment… some things never change.
Embarrassment. It is an interesting topic when you stop to think about it.
To be embarrassed is to experience a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness. Most often, these feelings are sparked by moments where we feel different, slightly apart from normal, or out of place.
It seems these feelings of inadequacy begin to emerge in grade school and strengthen through high school as our self-awareness grows. They arise from any number of causes: being one of the first to wear glasses, having unique physical characteristics, or being singled out in class or social circles.
As we get older, these feelings (and the fear) of embarrassment continue to surface. But the stakes get higher.
We no longer get embarrassed about just wearing glasses, we may also become embarrassed about the particular brand of glasses we wear. Or even worse, how much money our parents have to spend on them.
Interestingly, these feelings of embarrassment stem from our baseline understanding of normal, and any subsequent deviation from it. After all, nobody feels embarrassed for just being normal.
But our understanding of normal is an entirely subjective measurement most often defined by the social circles with which we surround ourselves.
This may be best illustrated by a hypothetical situation to which almost all of us can relate: outerwear.
Most of your friends probably wear similar clothing to you. Not that everyone has the same taste in fashion, but generally speaking, there are lots of similarities. You shop at many of the same stores… your closets are similarly sized… and the dollar amounts spent on any one outfit probably don’t vary too greatly.
This is true because most of us choose to spend our personal time with people who are strikingly similar. We feel comfortable and accepted among them.
But when you are pulled from your regular social circle, you may begin to notice and feel self-conscious about things you wouldn’t normally feel that way about.
Imagine attending a party or a work function surrounded by people from a higher socio-economic class. They arrive wearing their fancy dresses and tailored suits. Suddenly, the clothes you used to wear with no misgivings begin to feel and look different. You notice they are a little faded, not quite as fitted, or a specific brand not nearly as expensive as the clothes being worn around you.
And in this moment, you begin to feel a tinge of embarrassment—not because the clothes are any different from what you normally wear, but because your immediate culture’s expression of normal has changed dramatically.
As I mentioned, for most of us, these feelings of embarrassment did not end when we graduated school. They continue even into adulthood.
Here’s my point and why I think this is important. As a parent living in the suburbs, I am beginning to notice an unfortunate, dangerous trend:
We are getting embarrassed over all the wrong things. (tweet that)
Because we live in a culture that normalizes the pursuit of appearances, possessions, and selfish gain, feelings of awkwardness and shame surface when we do not measure up in these areas.
We get embarrassed that our clothes are last year’s fashion, that our vehicle costs less than the neighbor’s, or that our house is smaller than our guest’s. We apologize for the worn carpet, make excuses for the outdated kitchen, or point out specifically why we haven’t updated the countertops yet.
Because those pursuits and values have become normalized, we are prone to feel embarrassment over them—even if there is nothing wrong with the things we already have. This experience (or fear) of embarrassment fuels our urge to own more.
But what would happen if we stopped getting embarrassed over the wrong things and started pursuing the right things?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the brand of our clothing, we became embarrassed over the size of our walk-in closet?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the type of car we drive, we became embarrassed over how often we take that luxury for granted?
What if, instead of being embarrassed because our house is too small, we became embarrassed over the amount of unused space within it?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the quality and quantity of our possessions, we became embarrassed over how much money we have spent on our own selfish pursuits?
What if excess became the embarrassment? And responsible living that championed generosity became the norm?
Maybe then, we could become a little more proud of normal.
Danielle says
Some children seem personality driven to be embarrassed easily and to have that jealousy instead of being happy for someone else.
I’m very non-conforming in my peer group. I never wear dress shoes, spend only about 15 seconds “doing” my hair each day, nearly never wear makeup, generally wear a basic shirt and jeans or cargo pants/shorts. I don’t judge myself on the criteria of others but on my own, and as far as I can tell I have nearly always been that way.
There are negatives to that, it takes a really extreme fau pas to garner my embarrassment, and when it does happen it is extreme and hard to get over.
Id love some concrete ideas for working with kids who are more prone to embarrassment.
Annett says
I feel ya, Often I won’t ‘get it’ when someone is hinting. And I think some indidviduals are more sensitive by nature–not a bad thing, it just is. If these people can realize their embarrassment or awkwardness is NOT an indicator of reality, only of THEIR reality. There will always be people that judges us by our possessions, looks, intelligence, persona…the list goes on…we can’t control that. But ..for the most part..I think people recognize authenticity and compassion and respond to it positively.
I’m eager to hear to concrete ideas too!
Taqui says
Good post. This phrase has guided my life for many years now: “Contentment consists not in great wealth, but in few wants”. If I can keep my needs vs. desires in perspective, I find I am much happier.
Brian Tice says
Hands down, this is your best article to date. Avoiding “embarrassment” is the root of so many of our collective issues and that thing that marketers constantly focus on.
So well written. Thank you Joshua!
Cynthia Stambaugh says
My 11-year-old grand daughter came to visit for a few days. During her stay, she caught a glimpse of my clothes closet and said with look of shock on her face, “Boy, you don’t have hardly any clothes.” I’m sorry to say that I felt strangely embarrassed over her comment.
Dorothy Lauder says
I am not a great fashion follower and clothes shopping is not my first choice of leisure activity, but I have to admit while out leisure shopping with my hibby, I was slightly embarrassed when I saw myself in a mirror and realised I was wearing an ‘out of date’ cardi. Mine was one of those that trails at either side and most other women shopping were wearing waist length cardies. How silly of my I thought, I have always been comfortable in it before, but now I feel old and 50 something…. I am 50 something…. and waist length does not add to my look. However, I feel I need to look at my wardrobe and get rid of more low energy stuff… So thanks for the reassessment nudge…..
Patti says
Gosh do not worry what the others are wearing. Why does it matter if you look like everyone else? Be different and be yourself, not a sheep. Xx
Patti says
Personally I was a snob and a slave to money and name brands. We had the best of everything. Lots of money. Then I broke my back and found out I had Cancer. Our life changed for the better. Hubby retired, we both went on pensions. Gave everything away and purchased a motor home. Have been on the road now for three years. We have never been happier. We buy secondhand if we can and free camp. When something breaks we fix it. No just racing of to the shops to buy a new one. We make do. Stuff is just that, stuff. The less we have the better.
Julie S. says
Every time I read one of your articles it seems like you are reading my mind. Words don’t come easy to me so when I read this article it’s like you took my thoughts and wrote it for me! My family of 5 lives in a small home in the country, no cable, no internet, no video games, and lots of library visits! I am very proud of all that and when I tell people, they usually respond with, “we need internet”, “my kids love video games”, “I have to be watch my show” …
I have challenged many of my colleagues, family, and friends on wanting LESS! ????
Lynn says
A lesson learned: when I first started in Real Estate I was given the opportunity to show a million plus home. At the time I drove a 15 yr old car, dull paint, dents and all…went to the car wash worrying about showing up in such a nice highend area driving my car…When I arrived at the home the owners wanted to give me a quick preview before my clients arrived…only to find the same exact car I was driving in their 4 car garage.
tc_hoosier says
I drive a 12 year old Durango and am not embarrassed by that fact in the least. Yes, it’s rusty and I could drive a nicer vehicle if I wanted to go into debt but it’s mechanically sound and allows me to take all my grandchildren places to spend time with them. To me that’s more important than having a shiny new vehicle. I have been inspired by your posts Joshua. Keep up the good work!
Joe S says
I’ve grown to be more aware of what excess and the things that embarrass me say about me. When I was younger I thought the more I had the greater my worth. Now I’ve gotten rid of many of those unneeded items and it feels so freeing. When I see other spending excessively, or competing, I think of what inner turmoil or feelings of shortcomings spur the behavior. I feel compassion for them for chasing something so fleeting -then I remember I was there too. It’s fulfilling to realize you’re doing things for you (not to compete or impress) and that’s not only freeing but gratifying, and it doesn’t require explanation to others. When I know the reasons for my actions are pure I don’t feel embarrassed.
Michelle says
I love my upcycled life! I am not working now as I lost my job so hubby said come on home. I’ve spent an entire summer refinishing my 35 yr old builder grade cabinets instead of trashing them and replacing. They look fabulous! I haven’t purchased a new outfit in over a year. This summer I will paint my home and maybe recover my couch on my own and continue to be content as i embrace what I have. Im done competing with others. Take me or leave me, this is it and it brings me a great deal of peace. I only regret taking so long to reach this contentment.
Linda M says
Many people as they age need hearing aids and canes. My dad never was fitted with hearing aids and he missed out on so much. Why? Because he was embarrassed that he needed hearing aids. My mother needs a cane for balance. Does she use one? No, because it embarrasses her to use a cane and she’s almos 90 years old! You are certainly correct that people seem to be embarrassed by the wrong things! Thank you for this article.
Sadie says
Thank you for pointing out that embarrassment is not just for the young!