Both of my kids just got glasses. Their squints to read digital clocks were becoming more and more apparent. And we had warned them for months that an eye appointment was upcoming.
But not until just recently were our suspicions officially confirmed. New eyeglasses were ordered, picked up, and fitted.
Alexa, my daughter, picked purple glasses and kinda likes wearing them. It certainly helps that her friends refer to them as “adorable.”
But my 12-year old son? Not so much. In fact, he hates wearing them—at least, that is, when he is around his friends.
When he is home alone with us, wearing glasses is not a problem. He can see the computer screen better, he can read books easier, and he can read the clock on the oven without having to stand up and walk closer.
But around his friends, he wears them only when absolutely necessary. His glasses cause him embarrassment… some things never change.
Embarrassment. It is an interesting topic when you stop to think about it.
To be embarrassed is to experience a feeling of self-consciousness, shame, or awkwardness. Most often, these feelings are sparked by moments where we feel different, slightly apart from normal, or out of place.
It seems these feelings of inadequacy begin to emerge in grade school and strengthen through high school as our self-awareness grows. They arise from any number of causes: being one of the first to wear glasses, having unique physical characteristics, or being singled out in class or social circles.
As we get older, these feelings (and the fear) of embarrassment continue to surface. But the stakes get higher.
We no longer get embarrassed about just wearing glasses, we may also become embarrassed about the particular brand of glasses we wear. Or even worse, how much money our parents have to spend on them.
Interestingly, these feelings of embarrassment stem from our baseline understanding of normal, and any subsequent deviation from it. After all, nobody feels embarrassed for just being normal.
But our understanding of normal is an entirely subjective measurement most often defined by the social circles with which we surround ourselves.
This may be best illustrated by a hypothetical situation to which almost all of us can relate: outerwear.
Most of your friends probably wear similar clothing to you. Not that everyone has the same taste in fashion, but generally speaking, there are lots of similarities. You shop at many of the same stores… your closets are similarly sized… and the dollar amounts spent on any one outfit probably don’t vary too greatly.
This is true because most of us choose to spend our personal time with people who are strikingly similar. We feel comfortable and accepted among them.
But when you are pulled from your regular social circle, you may begin to notice and feel self-conscious about things you wouldn’t normally feel that way about.
Imagine attending a party or a work function surrounded by people from a higher socio-economic class. They arrive wearing their fancy dresses and tailored suits. Suddenly, the clothes you used to wear with no misgivings begin to feel and look different. You notice they are a little faded, not quite as fitted, or a specific brand not nearly as expensive as the clothes being worn around you.
And in this moment, you begin to feel a tinge of embarrassment—not because the clothes are any different from what you normally wear, but because your immediate culture’s expression of normal has changed dramatically.
As I mentioned, for most of us, these feelings of embarrassment did not end when we graduated school. They continue even into adulthood.
Here’s my point and why I think this is important. As a parent living in the suburbs, I am beginning to notice an unfortunate, dangerous trend:
We are getting embarrassed over all the wrong things. (tweet that)
Because we live in a culture that normalizes the pursuit of appearances, possessions, and selfish gain, feelings of awkwardness and shame surface when we do not measure up in these areas.
We get embarrassed that our clothes are last year’s fashion, that our vehicle costs less than the neighbor’s, or that our house is smaller than our guest’s. We apologize for the worn carpet, make excuses for the outdated kitchen, or point out specifically why we haven’t updated the countertops yet.
Because those pursuits and values have become normalized, we are prone to feel embarrassment over them—even if there is nothing wrong with the things we already have. This experience (or fear) of embarrassment fuels our urge to own more.
But what would happen if we stopped getting embarrassed over the wrong things and started pursuing the right things?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the brand of our clothing, we became embarrassed over the size of our walk-in closet?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the type of car we drive, we became embarrassed over how often we take that luxury for granted?
What if, instead of being embarrassed because our house is too small, we became embarrassed over the amount of unused space within it?
What if, instead of being embarrassed over the quality and quantity of our possessions, we became embarrassed over how much money we have spent on our own selfish pursuits?
What if excess became the embarrassment? And responsible living that championed generosity became the norm?
Maybe then, we could become a little more proud of normal.
JillOfAllTrades says
I was just like most people in my teenage and young adult years in that I was embarrassed by what I didn’t have. I couldn’t afford a new car; I couldn’t shop at Nordstrom; and on and on. Then I became rich. And I realized that the vast majority of the rich people (and not those simply aspiring to be so) don’t give a cuss about these things. It took a lot of my keeping-up-with-the-Jones’s anxiety away. I actually never graduated college. You know who cared about that? My friends with bachelors degrees. You know who doesn’t care one iota? All those people around me with MDs, JDs, and PhDs. My husband’s car is a 9-year-old Camry that’s all beat up on the outside and we love it. None of our friends even bat an eye when we pull up in that thing. I buy most of my clothes at Target. I get complimented ALL the time on the necklace I bought for $1 on the Walmart clearance rack and nobody’s horrified when I tell them that. I’m not saying all this to brag; I’m saying it to help anyone out there who is stuck in a keeping-up-with-the-Jones’s rut. It may seem like, from watching TV, that all rich people go around wearing Gucci and driving fancy cars, but most don’t. You’re more likely to get talked about in a negative way if you’re living beyond your means. That guy standing next to you in line at the grocery store, wearing ratty khakis and a fleece, might just be a neurosurgeon who pulls down over a million dollars a year. When you free yourself from the idea that you need fancy stuff, you can truly start to live.
Susan Snook says
Your comment really resonates with me. From the book The Millionaire Next Door, I realized that a lot of wealthy folks drive simple cars, wear simple clothes, and live well below their means. My husband and I find it so amusing when friends try to subtly shame us about our used cars, my cheap flip phone, etc. But as Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” We don’t feel embarrassed. We feel smart. And when my best friend’s son was sweating about how he was going to get to his college final when his car was in an accident, I immediately handed over my beat up van keys. The look on his face was utter relief. I was so happy to help out. His parents refused to loan him their BMW or Mercedes.
Christy says
Thank you for sharing this! I noticed the same thing with friends that are super wealthy. They lived in a multi million dollar home but both drove older Camrys. And the husband never dressed very nice. In fact he showed up to represent us on our house closing in sweats! ?
OldIowaGirl says
People sound so sympathetic when, for whatever reason I have to say “I can’t, I don’t have internet on my phone.”
Jenny says
We have recently had this experience. It has only been in the last few months that I have realized how grateful I am for the little things. I was in a car accident on Nov 15. I had a brand new car, a smart phone, GPS. satellite radio, all of which were destroyed in seconds when a teen driver crossed the center line. I was so proud of these things because I grew up poor and thought I needed to acquire “things” to prove I had made it. I was nearly killed. Suddenly, after laying in the trauma unit for a while, I started thinking. I began thinking about what was important before and what is important now. I was so thankful to hear my husband’s voice and see my parents and my kids when I woke up. I decided not to replace my cell phone. I do not own one. I decided not to replace the new car or the GPS, or the radio. Instead, we drive a 16 year old van and listen to public radio and sing along. This is hard for my 15 year old son to digest as he goes to a private school where most kids are dropped off in a BMW or a Benz. I hope what I am teaching him is far more valuable than the embarrassment I sense, but he rarely mentions. I want my kids to understand we are not here to buy more and more and work harder to pay for it. As of now, I am unable to work as I am learning to walk normally again. Money is tight, but that’s okay because so is the love.
Emma says
“What if, instead of being embarrassed because our house is too small, we became embarrassed over the amount of unused space within it?”
I am trying to create lots of unused space by decluttering and minimising; the whole point of the becoming minimalist franchise. Short of selling my house, would you recommend:
A) I have unused space in my home, or
B) I use the space by filling out with stuff?
Nina says
I think he’s speaking more about people who have huge houses with unused bedrooms they don’t need, 2 living rooms that sort of thing.
Dianne says
How about if we started teaching our children, and reinforcing it to adults that we are all equal and there is nothing to be embarrassed about. “Embarrassment” implies not measuring up. Teaching our kids and re-learning as adults, to be comfortable in ourselves, eliminates embarrassment. It also can go along way to increasing tolerance, and reducing bigotry, hatred and bullying.
Judy Opp says
We still have our 1999 F-150 white pickup truck and love “Gracie” as if she were an old family pet. She runs well and even with a bit of rust under the driver side door and a small hole where the driver sits…. she is perfect. She holds such history and so many memories of picnics on her tailgate. We are not young…. ready to retire and I hope and pray Gracie is around to spend many retirement years with us! Also we purchased our home 34 years ago to flip and then the coal mines closed and we love our small 1000 sq. ft. home in the center of our small Midwestern town that we decided to keep for ourselves. We recovered financially years ago but the mine closure was one of the best things that ever happened to us. Our life became simpler way back then and we have never looked back even when times became good again. Life is Good and a simpler life is GREAT!
Jayadeep Purushothaman says
I know this “embarrassment” feeling since I always had a beard since my teen years! But then I used to trim my beard since that was accepted norm. But then after I quit my corporate job, I let it grow, grow very naturally and figure out how I was made :) But then the comments I get has been very amusing and I tell them we were made this way people! The unnecessary conditioning that starts from the traditional schools made us believe that we were supposed to cut our hair – complete nonsense!
Annette says
How did you get that photo of my car??
Tori says
I love, love, love this blog! I don’t know how many times I have apologized for my old car, small house, worn carpets, and decidedly not updated kitchen! It is only recently (and with the help of “Becoming Minimalist”) that I have really shifted my mindset. I am happy, content, and grateful for my small cozy home. I realize how lucky I am! We are so focused on all the wrong things and so very very wasteful as a culture.
Oliver says
What if you stop being embarrassed about anything? If you believe in your own awareness and empathy for others and with a little (not too much) self confidence you could be cool with everything you do or wear.
la says
i read a great many of your articles and often find little nuggets of truth within…however, this one is the motherlode! i feel like you have pared away enough onion layers to get to the root of much of the discomfort we foist upon ourselves: embarrassment and shame. the WHY of it are frequent topics you cover but in this little gem you provide an answer/a solution and i feel it is very valuable. thank you for writing this article!!