Note: This is a guest post by Emma Scheib of Simple Slow & Lovely.
Embarking on a decluttering and minimizing endeavor can be difficult. In fact, it can be downright scary at times. This is because minimalism isn’t just about your stuff—it’s also about your why. Why you accumulated so much in the first place. And this is a difficult encounter for anyone.
Once upon a time, I was a shopaholic. Uncomfortable in my own skin, I attempted to reclothe myself in whatever the latest fashion was, choosing clothes as a second skin to boost my confidence. In my early twenties, purchasing one or two new items of clothing a week was pretty normal.
And although I always felt great in a new outfit, the feeling never lasted. The temporary boost of confidence was just replaced by a bulging wardrobe. When I decided to minimize my possessions a few years ago the thought of working through these piles of clothing I’d accumulated was overwhelming.
Because it wasn’t just the clothes I had to sort through.
If I wanted to make a lasting change to a tidier, smaller wardrobe, I had to deal with why I’d accumulated so much in the first place. And as it turns out, my why was connected to my self-worth. The reason I found solace in shiny new things was that they made me feel accepted.
Acceptance of myself has never come easy and the lack of it stems from my start to life. Being given up for adoption at birth is something that has always tainted my worldview.
At the heart of many shopping trips was my limbic brain response to being given away. It was my inner baby, clawing at something, anything to prove my right to exist. If I looked good, I would be wanted, and not discarded.
Underneath our piles of belongings, we hide fears, loneliness, and insecurities. Behind a bulging wardrobe and piles of shoes, a fear of never being loved or even liked might be lurking. Beneath a pile of impulse homeware purchases, an overwhelming anxiety might be hiding.
Clutter and excess are rarely the root of a problem, they are the result. Even worse, the clutter compounds the problem, causing further stress and anxiety.
This is important to understand.
We can declutter all we want, making our homes magazine-worthy, but until we yank out the roots of what’s caused us to accumulate stuff in the first place, we’ll have little chance of making a permanent change. We’ll just wind up back at square one, surrounded by stuff that adds no value to our lives. A kind of decluttering Groundhog Day.
You can make a permanent change in your life, to minimize your belongings, but only if you deal with the roots.
Where does one start?
Identify Your Emotions
Begin by noticing what you feel when you reach for your credit card. Awareness of the driving forces behind these purchases is an important first step. It took me awhile to realize that I was trying to fill emotional spaces when I went shopping. But once I named the emotions, it became easier to forgo shopping trips.
It might take months of just noticing the reasons you accumulate before you feel ready to make changes. But when you do…
Engage With Your Emotions as You Declutter
At the heart of my bulging wardrobe was pain from feeling unworthy. I had to engage with this pain and move through it as I decluttered. This doesn’t mean that I still don’t feel the pain. But now that I’ve recognized this emotion as a trigger, I’m less likely to add to my wardrobe and find it easier to simplify.
What do you feel looking at your piles of belongings?
Do you feel anxious? Anxiety about what you might need in a hypothetical future will stop you in your decluttering tracks. People hold onto items ‘just in case’, thinking they won’t be able to afford to replace it if they need it again. This is where community toy and tool libraries can help. When our girls are done with their toys, I donate them rather than keeping them for the grandchildren. I know when that time arrives, I can visit the toy library instead of the attic.
Do you feel lonely? If your trigger to purchasing (or keeping) items is loneliness, try connecting with others. Many of us are surrounded by people but still feel incredibly alone. Make a phone call to someone whose voice you need to hear. Ask someone to join you on your daily walk or meet someone for coffee. Ironically, the upkeep of these piles of belongings is often what keeps us from making and keeping meaningful connection with others.
Do you feel stressed and overwhelmed? Some of us have lived decades without curating our possessions. In our never-ending busyness, we lack time and energy to spring clean, let alone declutter. Find a way to drop one or two things off your to-do list and calendar this week. Decluttering does take time, but you can find it if you’re intentional.
Take Care of Yourself
Whatever it is that’s hiding under your piles of clutter, tread carefully. Take the best care of yourself possible during this process. Take regular breaks to do things that fill you back up. It might be reading a book, taking a bath, or going for a long walk. These difficult emotions, the pain, the insecurities, the worry and the sadness, they need your tender loving care as you move them gently aside.
I’ve gone through several large purges of my possessions over the last few years. I’ve swept through my home twice, each time getting rid of over 500 items. And last year, when we prepared to rent our house out, I took several car loads to our recycling center. Each time, the process got easier. Each time, I’m a little more confident and a little less fearful of looking under the rug to check what’s hiding.
I’m inching my way towards a curated and intentional life with less of what I don’t need and more of what I want.
As I’ve become more aware of my insecurities and found other ways to cope with difficult emotions, it’s become easier to let go of things. I don’t need a new outfit for every occasion. I’m happy shopping at my local thrift shops and wearing well-worn favorites. I’ve survived the long-haul of decluttering because I’ve looked after myself in the process.
And my sum total of 6 pairs of shoes? Feels like one too many.
***
Emma Scheib blogs at Simple Slow & Lovely. She is a self-confessed introvert who craves the simple and slow things in life. You can also find her on Facebook.
Karen says
Much of the stuff I need to get rid of was my late partner’s. Almost 5 years on I still can’t bring myself to get rid of many of the books he collected over the years and read and re-read. I have managed to give away and sell about 200 books, but giving away the rest still feels like throwing him out. Its as if I can only pass them on to someone who I know will love and appreciate them ( I’ve done this with some of them) or make a few pounds for charity to justify letting gbthem go.
Lisa says
The second I read “Adopted” …. something clicked inside of me. I, too, was adopted at birth and always wondered why I wasn’t good enough to keep when my bio mom had more kids right after me. My family spoiled me rotten, so I was used to having those new shiny things to cover up the feelings. I get it now. Here’s to an easier time on my decluttering journey.
Susan says
I felt the same about this beautiful article. I love finding in your article what I have been missing : I am only child and my parents divorced, remarried and have steps children after marriage. For fear of loneliness I emptied my pocket money at young age and run to houses and now became a real estate agent , something I enjoy doing in all my life with reason and no regrets.
Janeen Landsberger says
I find it so sad when kids given up feel it is because they are not good enough. This is so not true.
I worked in OB. The moms who gave their babies up, did it for the baby. They wanted a better life for them. The ones who kept had rooms full of young visitors there to see the new toy.
My friend gave her baby up. I asked her when about 8 months along if she was eager to have the baby. She said no. As long as the baby was in her, she was below her heart and near to her. She loved her baby but wanted the best for her.
She married and had more children. But she never forgot the baby she gave up.
Now that daughter has reconnected with her and they love one another.
It is the mature and caring moms who give up. And it is probably the hardest thing they ever do.
Susan says
My friend’s mother has left her and her brother a note before departing saying they will be beautiful people. She knew and wished it. Her adopted father had no problem leaving it all behind . Both died of old age. The letter stayed with her brother because it meant more to him . I believe it had pictures of them that they never discarded but kept ever since .
April says
Great post! Thanks. I can relate to it completely, and love your insights.
Toni says
I am retired and have been Minimalist since 2012. This lifestyle really works well for me. I have so much more space in my 500 square foot retirement apartment. I feel free and so happy! I do have to keep myself in check though. I too was shopaholic online. Bought something new almost every week! It was easy when working but now I cannot afford to shop like that. I love it. Thanks for the article.
Emma says
Hi Toni! You are very welcome. This website is great for a check in when we feel things getting out of control again.
Helen says
So are you, Emma. I found myself very creepy for sending you this. But only hope for positive result. Can’t wait to read your next post?
Tina says
I fill a bag with recycling every day. If something comes in, something goes out. I have sold or given away bags and bags of dishes, books, and clothes. My daughter has way too much stuff and every week we pull 5 or 6 garbage bags full of books and clothes out of her apartment. All of my clothes fit into 2 small suitcases. She needs to get rid of towels, blankets, and toiletries.
Emma says
That is such a great rule Tina! One in, one out.
kddomingue says
I can imagine the insecurities that might come with having been adopted…..the wondering about why you weren’t good enough to keep, why you were given away. I wasn’t adopted. I was an unplanned pregnancy and my parents got married because of me. I was left with my paternal grandparents as my father pursued his doctorate and my mother her bachelors degree. They would come and get me during semester breaks. But my grandparents were the solid, stable ground that I put down roots in and where I grew and thrived. My mother left the first time when I was not quite three and left for good when I was not quite four. I didn’t see or hear from her again until I was seventeen. My father came and took me away from my grandparents when I was five and moved us a couple of states away. He met and married a woman twelve years his junior. She was only fourteen years older than myself, one of ten children and with a sister my age and a brother younger than me. She would have been happier had my father sent me back to my grandparents. I would have happier too. My stepmother made her distaste for me very clear. No matter how hard I tried to please her, it was never enough. I remember overhearing her telling one of her sisters that there was something wrong with me, that I was not normal. Growing up in that household was an attack on my self worth every day.
So, abandoned by my mother twice, ripped away from the loving security of my grandparents and being forced to live with a stepmother whose feelings for me went from barely concealed distaste and disdain to barely concealed hatred. Yep, I had a truckload of insecurities and my feelings of self worth were almost zero. When I got married, I began filling my home with things that felt like my grandparents home….things that reminded me of a time and place where I felt loved and accepted, of people who thought I was smart and special and pretty. Those things became my security blanket. It took many, many years before I was able to understand WHY I was such a magpie….it was insulation.
Hurricane Katrina was the impetus that started my decluttering. So many people had lost everything that they had and here I was, literally tripping over excess stuff. Three truckloads left my house. Then Hurricane Lily hit. Two more truckloads left my house. I’ve been decluttering my home and my heart and my brain for over a decade now and I’m almost there….almost at the Goldilocks “just right” point.
To everyone who is struggling to declutter, find the WHY. Once you’ve found the WHY and you start removing some of your “insulation”, you might find yourself getting a little chilly and backsliding a bit…and that’s perfectly normal. For some of us it’s a two steps forward, one step back process. I’m almost at “just right” and it’s been a long journey to get here but it’s worth every single step I’ve taken! It’s liberating! It’s exhilarating! You don’t realize how much stress all of that excess stuff causes you until it’s gone. I feel like I can take a deep breath now. I hope everyone else in this journey finds their point of “just right, just enough” .
Emma says
Wow!! Your journey has been incredible. Thank you so much for being brave enough to share it with us.
I love your idea of ‘just right’. I do think we can get to that point, but I wonder if i’ll be on the journey to slowing down and simplifying for as long as I live, due to the world/culture we live in. Busy and driven by consumerism.
Thank you again for sharing AND encouraging others, your story is inspirational.
JoAnn says
I am so hopeful after reading these comments. I try to minimize, but fail. I am not a quitter, and will keep trying because I truly believe in this. Thank you all for your encouragement.
Emma says
JoAnn! You are trying and that is the main thing. Don’t be discouraged! Take one small step at a time. Its the only way to build something that will last. You’ll be on this journey for life… try and enjoy the journey and don’t concentrate too much on the destination.
I believe in you!
Frenzie says
Dear Emma, I believe in you because it was helpful that you share with us your painful past. I am very proud of your beauty inside. Thank you for for this gift and post. Much love
Peter says
My take on minimalism is this – be content with what you have. Be thankful in all things. Look beyond the material. Life was given for a great purpose. In this world everything is temporal. Use this temporal existence to achieve the essential and eternal. Be less, be small, be simple, be low. For in reality we are but dust and nothing. Thus to be minimal, to a minimum. A minimalist.
Emma says
Great words Peter. Being content with what we have is so hard sometimes but hugely rewarding when we can be. And the idea that everything is tempory is also a game-changer!
Jan says
The more I read about minimalism and decluttering, I realize me and decluttering has been going on for three years. There is nothing natural about the process of decluttering, but it now has lead me to minimalism. The benefits; more time, clearer thinking, liking to living myself; outweigh the struggles. I so look forward to reaching a higher level of my minimalistic life that is now
entering into my eating healthier.
I LOVE MY LIFE❗❗ Thank you.
Emma says
That’s fantastic Jan! There are so many benefits and I suspect the just keep increasing the longer you are on this path xo
Stephanie says
Thank you Emma for your honesty and beautifully written article. Hmmm, yes, I can see my underlying emotion jumping out at me from your article. Now to address it! xx
Emma says
Hi Stephanie! Thanks for your kind words about the article. I’m so pleased you can see your own underlying emotion. That’s the best starting point xo