It is difficult for me to articulate how blessed and thankful I am for my past. My parents love me, love each other, and love life. They provided me with stability, security, acceptance, and love. They continue to provide the same even today.
My grandparents could be described in the same way. All four of them were faithful to each other, faithful to God, and involved in my life growing up. Two of them are still alive today—and continue to be a part of my life.
The education I received was valuable. A private Christian school in South Dakota for elementary, a public school in North Dakota for high school, a four-year university in Nebraska for my Bachelor’s degree, and a four-year private university in Minnesota for my Master’s degree.
I am thankful for a mind that allowed school to come easy and a body that allowed me to participate in sports.
In high school, I met Kimberly. Shortly after graduating college, we married—20 years ago. And I couldn’t be happier. She is loving and patient and selfless and kind and beautiful. She has supported me every step of the way and I hope I’ve done justice in supporting her.
I have never worked a job I did not find fulfilling. I am thankful for the men and women who offered opportunities and mentorship along the way.
My two kids are 16 and 13. Both are healthy, do well in school, participate in extracurricular activities, are active at church, and have close friends they can rely on.
Not every day of my life has been perfect, certainly not. To live is to suffer strife and trials of every kind. But in almost every imaginable way, my life until now has been richly blessed.
I am thankful for my past, but I am not moving in that direction. My past has been lived and can never be re-lived.
Forward is the only direction we can live our lives.
This is true whether our past is something we want to remember or something we want to forget.
If our past was difficult, we learn from it. We redeem our past mistakes by learning from them. And we overcome wrongs committed against us by serving others and vowing to chart a different path forward for ourselves.
If our past was positive, we honor it most by living our best life in the current season and the next.
This is something we need to be reminded of often. It is easy, over the course of life, to collect more and more possessions from previous seasons of life: objects that were passed on to us by our parents, things that were used by our children when they were young, or items that signify accomplishments in life and career. Items that, by nature, represent the past—whether it be a season of life, a relationship, an accomplishment, or an experience we want to remember.
But the possessions we keep should represent the person we are trying to become, not the person we were.
Sometimes we think we’re honoring our departed loved ones by keeping their stuff, but let’s ask ourselves if they would want us to be burdened by their belongings. Doubtful. The best way to honor those who loved us is to live our best life possible, not to be weighed down by their things.
In the same way, we do not do ourselves favors when we cling to past seasons of life after we have entered into new ones.
You may have loved mothering young kids, for example, and look back on those days with great fondness. But if your kids have grown and have families of their own, you are in a new stage of life and should embrace it fully. Holding on to a lot of mementos of motherhood and longing for those days may be hindering you from fully entering into the potential of your new time of life.
Minimizing possessions from our past is not a sign of disrespect. Quite the opposite. It is the most honoring thing we can do. Because no matter how sweet the memories, our lives are not moving in that direction.
Just because something brought you joy in the past doesn’t mean you should carry it forever. (tweet that)
RJ says
I have had to learn this the hard way, that not everything that once brought me joy is going to continue bringing me joy and that I need to, therefore, decide whether it’s really beneficial to continue to own. Living in poverty has made it difficult for me to let go of things. I have continuously been too attached to something thinking that I was going to eventually sell it and make a profit. I have been learning how to discern what’s really worth holding on to and what’s worth letting go of. It takes wisdom. I am realizing the value of having open space to simply engage in things. When you have an apartment full of stuff it can make it really difficult to feel motivated enough to do what you actually need to do to be productive. Over time, I’m learning how to say, ” This is going to serve me best.” The thing I struggle with more than anything is having gratitude. What has been hard for me is adapting to this idea that what I have is enough because we live in a society that’s constantly promoting new, new fads, popularity, trends, etc. The question is how do I remove myself from the strongholds of these attention grabbers? My mind is shaped to appreciate novelty more than simplicity. I suppose minimalism is a practice just like anything in life where you form habits and neuro connections in your brain. I am able to adapt. I want to attract what is helpful to me. Perhaps now I am rambling. The point is that it is the simple things that bring us joy.
Krista O'Reilly-Davi-Digui says
“In the same way, we do not do ourselves favors when we cling to past seasons of life after we have entered into new ones.” – yes!
It’s funny, I look back on the years I spent at home raising kids and homeschooling, baking muffins, tending to hearth & home – and I think it was my favorite season of life.
But now, as I grow a purposeful business, do more writing, and two of my kids are young adults. As my husband and I begin the process of growing old together and know each other more deeply than ever before – I think this is my favorite season of life.
Lisa says
I have a real problem with hanging on to the past too. It has stunted me from moving forward, making goals and decluttering things I don’t need. It’s so hard to get motivated, and hard to throw things away, things my loved one gave me, have touched etc. I long to go back and want to have a “do over”. I know it’s really weird and unrealistic. All I do is dwell and don’t make my life better. Its so hard. Good luck with everything. Xoxoxo
Jaime says
Joshua, thank you so much for this.
Judith Dietz says
Thank you for this article. I will refer to it often for a while. It will be helping me through a difficult time.
Julie Perry says
I have a box in the garage full of things that belonged to my husband, who died too young at age 39 from cancer. He left me with four children to finish raising, two of whom were very young. The younger two children now have very few memories left of their father, so I saved a few things that they could have one day; something concrete that they can touch, that belonged to him. For some reason, to be able to do this comforts me, whether they will want these items or not. (The thought of having something tangible to give to them that belonged to him comforts me.)
At the same time, I have to admit though, that these items also bring up the grief and pain for me all over again every time I look at them. I feel sad that most of the physical evidence from his whole life is summed up in that sad little box. Material things can bring incredible pain just by their presence, and it has freed me to let many of them go, except for that one box. (Because at first, it felt sacreligious to give away his things.) One day it just hit me, his things are not HIM! They are just things, and it’s not dishonoring to his memory to let go of them.
On another subject, now that I am a single mother, letting go of excess things and simplifying both things and life in general has been both necessary and incredibly freeing as well. For a long time I have felt deep inside that the way we live life in America is a little bit insane! Why do we think that we need all of this bigger and better stuff to be happy? And also, why are our expectations so huge? It’s impossible for me to keep up with the Jones as a single mother of four, and why should I? (I can’t even believe birthday parties these days! Sorry for judging, but bouncy castles and clowns for one year olds… really?) I feel like commercialism has taken over, and we have lost our common sense. To me, more stuff equals more cleaning, stress, and exhaustion, and less time, space, and money. I don’t want to serve my house and things, I want them to serve me.
Thank you, Joshua, and to everyone else out there like you who have started talking about these things, and for sharing your experiences with the world!
Paula says
Your perspective on past and moving forward is very inspiring. I am meeting with family to identify, sort, and participate in the dissolution of my Mother and Fathers possessions in their large home….Mom did not allow previously, and has become incapacitated at 86, and now we face taking out all mementos. We want to prioritize the most valued items and remove/discard the rest. I will check your book for the best advice in order to do this.
heather says
Sheri, your story sounds familiar, I pray that you find your strength in God’s love. Reach out to others if you need help, as many times as you need until someone who cares listens. You have given so much in your life it sounds like. Find a good church with friends you can trust. Value yourself based on God’s description of you, not from your past, or your present. He loves you, and wants you to see yourself as he sees you. We are all in this together! You are not alone.
Julie says
I really love this & find it very helpful. I think I’m going to write one for myself.
Kristy Hickey says
While I totally agree with not holding onto things for the sake of honouring loved ones, sometimes certain mementos keep people moving forward, particularly if they feel they have nothing left to look forward to. Everyone’s situation is different, some have suffered indescribably or have no family or friends and small objects of positivity from the past can keep them grounded with a reminder that there was a good time and there can be again. Just wanted to point that out. You don’t have to remove every item from your past. If something that brought you great joy still brings you great joy then I believe you should still hold onto it.
sheri says
I can’t imagine what it is like to never have had a job that was unfulfilling. Despite my education, similar to what you describe, I have *only* had jobs that were unfulfilling — to say the least —and at “over 60” now I have lost everything (divorce and my personal attitude toward “stuff” and “things” not to mention a perhaps foolishly generous nature all my life) and have little to look forward to. No one will hire. I’m over-qualified, yet too “old” and out of the workforce too long. Still, I try, every day, to just keep going and not dwell on the past and any wrongs done unto me that led to all this. It is a minute-by-minute struggle. I could not have been more naive, I guess. It seems that for all my lifelong tendency to give “things” away (and assume I would be okay, or better) has in fact not turned out well. Will things improve? Unknown. Will there ever be fulfillment or a life purpose revelation? Unknown.
Time goes by. I try not to lose faith. I wanted to be able to travel. I can’t. I wanted to earn a decent wage for what everyone has insisted are great skills (advanced degrees, a strong writing background despite the lack of employment and compensation to reflect that, and many other talents that seem to be for nothing). The most I ever made was $15/hr. For three months. I don’t know why my life has been this way, I am a good person (I know, we all are) with a too-generous heart? Some of us never get that one pivotal break in life, I suppose. Disheartening. To say the least.
Still, I hope something happens. Something good, and unimaginable. I try to be open and keep hoping for a miracle or two. Fulfilling work for fulfilling pay? It’s harder to see it happening at this age, in these … circumstances.
“Something deep in the human heart breaks at the thought of a life of mediocrity.” — C.S. Lewis
heather says
Sheri, your story sounds familiar, I pray that you find your strength in God’s love. Reach out to others if you need help, as many times as you need until someone who cares listens. You have given so much in your life it sounds like. Find a good church with friends you can trust. Value yourself based on God’s description of you, not from your past, or your present. He loves you, and wants you to see yourself as he sees you. We are all in this together! You are not alone.