“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” —James Baldwin
An interesting story is told of Monterey, California, a coastal town, that quickly became a pelican’s paradise. As the local fishermen returned each day to clean their fish, they would fling the unused internal organs of the fish to the pelicans. The birds graciously accepted their gift and as a result, quickly grew fat, lazy, and contented. Eventually however, when the fishing industry in Monterey took a downturn, the free meals began to slow for the pelicans.
When the change came, the pelicans made no effort to fish for themselves. Instead, they waited around and grew gaunt and thin. Many even starved to death. Because of the free handouts, they had forgotten how to fish for themselves.
To remedy the situation, an unprecedented solution was sought: import new pelicans from the south accustomed to foraging for themselves. These new birds were placed among their starving cousins, and the newcomers immediately started catching fish. Before long, the hungry pelicans followed suit, and the famine was ended.
My son is 12 and my daughter is 9. Right now, and for a little while longer, we live together as a family. This, then, represents my great opportunity to prepare them for life. Whether we like it or not, our children are soaking up values from us as parents about how to live, how to work, and how to achieve significance. We serve as their most trusted examples for life.
Embracing a life content with fewer possessions has modeled for them the important truths that personal belongings are not the key to happiness, that security is found in their character, and that the pursuit of happiness runs a different road than the pursuit of possessions. These are, of course, valuable life lessons they will never learn in a world that often promises short-term happiness in ready-wrapped packages.
There are countless truths I desire to pass on to my children: being content with less is among the most important.
Since embracing the principles of minimalism, I am overjoyed at some of the lessons my children have learned. They have learned:
They don’t need to buy things to be happy. We own far fewer things than we did years ago. We purchase far fewer things than we did years ago. Yet, we are far happier than we were years ago. Go figure.
They don’t need to live life like everyone else. Even though they are not quite old enough to understand all of the intricacies of our minimalist life, they completely understand we have made a decision to live differently than most people in our neighborhood. Our lifestyle has given them permission to live a countercultural life.
They can live within their means. Although our children are not balancing our checkbook, they do hear us speak often about debt, the joy of not being in it, and our desire to stay out of it.
They ought to think carefully about their purchases. Because we believe in giving our kids opportunity to find/grow in their interests, we still need to buy things: toys, school supplies, art supplies, and sporting goods. We just think through our buying decisions more carefully. This is an invaluable lesson for children to learn as they get older. We no longer buy something just because we have the money, we buy things because we need them.
They should gladly share with others. Since we became minimalist when they were young, they have grown up watching us donate many of our belongings to others. They have seen generosity in action.
Clutter is a distraction. They have seen how minimalism creates a home where clutter is scarce. And when it does show up, it can be quickly remedied—and usually is.
The joy of spending time together. Our minimalist home has allowed us the opportunity to spend less time purchasing, cleaning, organizing, and sorting things. We have gladly replaced the time we spent managing stuff with time spent together as a family.
We are in control of our stuff. Not the other way around.
Daisy @ Simplicity Relished says
This is REALLY fantastic. I just got back from Ecuador where I worked with children in a low-income part of Quito. These children definitely live with less– and are in many ways disadvantaged– but there are lessons we can learn from them too.
I actually wrote a piece about what I’ve learned from kids who live with less– it’s here: http://simplicityrelished.com/lessons-ive-learned-from-kids-who-live-with-less/
Thanks so much for this post.
Graham says
I actually have to leave a relationship because of this. After years of personal struggle I finally have chosen to free myself.
Living with a partner with children from another marriage can be challenging enough, but when values collide it makes it that much more difficult.
She has 2 children ages 12 and 14. Her family is fairly large and wealthy. They have need for nothing. As such they have a heavy influence on her children who even after going through Waldorf schooling fall right into the materialism trap.
No one in her family practices minimalism. I am the lone duck and I am exhausted trying to combat it. No matter how much I may model minimalism, her family models the exact opposite. Conspicuous consumption, acquisition of wealth and things, etc.
The example has to be strong, consistent, and unified with children. Otherwise you are swimming upstream.
Katie K says
What an incredible challenge you’re facing Graham. Stay strong!
I find the word consistency coming up more and more often in my life. Everything from diet and nutrition to approaches to dealing with conflict in the workplace.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Kellen says
Totally understandable. You have to pick your battles in life, and if your partner’s lifestyle and values don’t mesh with yours, I see no future there. It takes not only insight about your own vision and needs but strength to walk away when you realize it’s not a good fit.
Charlotte says
I’m sure that’s difficult, but I highly doubt you’ll regret your decision. My parents are still married but they each had previous marriages and children from them, and blended families are difficult even in the best of circumstances. I always advise people to think very, very, very carefully before getting into relationships with people who have children from previous relationships, because few people seem to realize how much more difficult it is than a conventional relationship unless they grew up in such a complex situation themselves. Conflicting values and lifestyles only make it even worse. I believe minimalism is as much about simplifying relationships and commitments to make sure they meet your needs without unnecessary and avoidable stress as much as it is about simplifying your living space.
Kariane says
Yes! Our children model what they see us do. Whether it’s how we think about the stuff that surrounds us, the food that we put into our bodies, or the ways that we interact with others, they are watching and absorbing.
This is a good reminder. Thank you.
Catherine says
Our children are certainly our little mirrors! My daughter is 1 and a few weeks ago I wrote a blog post after she had put her apron away after we had finished baking. As we have begun to slim down our possessions, items naturally have a home. I hadn’t realised that this would be a fringe benefit but it is wonderful.
Thanks as always
http://mindfulminimalism.co.uk/2015/07/06/mirror-mirror-on-the-wall/
Carolyn Bostic says
Good morning. I am so tickled to see a very current post from Joshua Becker today. But I love the archives just as much for the comment community. Hope you all have a great day.
Brad Miller says
I have been loving your recent articles, Joshua. Well written words of wisdom are alway great to come by. Thank you for putting yourself out there and saying what most people believe, but are scared to admit.
Our children are like sponges – they will soak up whatever is in front of them. Since its us, their parents, they see most, they will very accurately mimic us and act the same way we do.
Thanks again for this article!
BrownVagabonder says
I don’t have any children in my life at the moment, so I am focusing on setting a good example for everyone around me, no matter the age. Just a few days ago, I was able to bring a former shopaholic to a clothing swap and completely change her perspective on shopping, stuff, and the environment. Little by little, one person by one person, I am bringing the idea of minimalism over to the people in my circle, and the people who surround me.
Graham says
Right on.
Dr. Becca Ballinger says
Great Article! I especially resonated with point #2 – they don’t need to live like everyone else. I have personally found through practicing minimalism as a parent, that my kids have learned to be content with what they already have – and they continue to use those things until they have worn out – and are less concerned about always having the latest version of the iPhone or other “hot item”.
As a practicing child psychologist, I see kids (and their parents) experience unnecessary stress all the time because they are too busy wanting things they don’t have that they forget to appreciate what they do have – and each other. So sad.
Linda Stoll says
Good perspective this morning, Joshua! Talk is cheap, but modeling impacts for a lifetime.
Our kids turn away if our words and actions don’t align, don’t they. Thanks for this gentle reminder to live what we speak.
Blessings …
Alice@lifeandotherweirdtales says
There are so many studies that show just this: that the most effective way of teaching your kids is modelling. I needed to be reminded of this today, after several days of feeling down about external factors and finding that it was affecting not just me but also the whole family. I’m making an effort to remember to be grateful for being able to spend time together, meaningfully and to be resilient in the face of (hopefully temporary) adversity.
Your phrase: “This, then, represents my great opportunity to prepare them for life” really resonates! Thank you!