“Children have never been very good at listening to their elders, but they have never failed to imitate them.” —James Baldwin
An interesting story is told of Monterey, California, a coastal town, that quickly became a pelican’s paradise. As the local fishermen returned each day to clean their fish, they would fling the unused internal organs of the fish to the pelicans. The birds graciously accepted their gift and as a result, quickly grew fat, lazy, and contented. Eventually however, when the fishing industry in Monterey took a downturn, the free meals began to slow for the pelicans.
When the change came, the pelicans made no effort to fish for themselves. Instead, they waited around and grew gaunt and thin. Many even starved to death. Because of the free handouts, they had forgotten how to fish for themselves.
To remedy the situation, an unprecedented solution was sought: import new pelicans from the south accustomed to foraging for themselves. These new birds were placed among their starving cousins, and the newcomers immediately started catching fish. Before long, the hungry pelicans followed suit, and the famine was ended.
My son is 12 and my daughter is 9. Right now, and for a little while longer, we live together as a family. This, then, represents my great opportunity to prepare them for life. Whether we like it or not, our children are soaking up values from us as parents about how to live, how to work, and how to achieve significance. We serve as their most trusted examples for life.
Embracing a life content with fewer possessions has modeled for them the important truths that personal belongings are not the key to happiness, that security is found in their character, and that the pursuit of happiness runs a different road than the pursuit of possessions. These are, of course, valuable life lessons they will never learn in a world that often promises short-term happiness in ready-wrapped packages.
There are countless truths I desire to pass on to my children: being content with less is among the most important.
Since embracing the principles of minimalism, I am overjoyed at some of the lessons my children have learned. They have learned:
They don’t need to buy things to be happy. We own far fewer things than we did years ago. We purchase far fewer things than we did years ago. Yet, we are far happier than we were years ago. Go figure.
They don’t need to live life like everyone else. Even though they are not quite old enough to understand all of the intricacies of our minimalist life, they completely understand we have made a decision to live differently than most people in our neighborhood. Our lifestyle has given them permission to live a countercultural life.
They can live within their means. Although our children are not balancing our checkbook, they do hear us speak often about debt, the joy of not being in it, and our desire to stay out of it.
They ought to think carefully about their purchases. Because we believe in giving our kids opportunity to find/grow in their interests, we still need to buy things: toys, school supplies, art supplies, and sporting goods. We just think through our buying decisions more carefully. This is an invaluable lesson for children to learn as they get older. We no longer buy something just because we have the money, we buy things because we need them.
They should gladly share with others. Since we became minimalist when they were young, they have grown up watching us donate many of our belongings to others. They have seen generosity in action.
Clutter is a distraction. They have seen how minimalism creates a home where clutter is scarce. And when it does show up, it can be quickly remedied—and usually is.
The joy of spending time together. Our minimalist home has allowed us the opportunity to spend less time purchasing, cleaning, organizing, and sorting things. We have gladly replaced the time we spent managing stuff with time spent together as a family.
We are in control of our stuff. Not the other way around.
Conal says
I have teenage girls who like many are very influenced by what their friends have and especially wear. Inundated they are with a constant barrage of nonsense telling them how they should live if they are to be satisfied with life. Ever since I can remember, I was always intrigued by what others owned and thought it would be best for me to own it too. Now, very close to 50, I can finally look at what other people own with a logical analysis and determine for me, if that thing would add positively to my possessions, or the very opposite. 99% of the time, with a little thought, I discover it is the opposite. I can’t seem to impress my kids with minimalism no matter how much I talk about it. The world of living with as much as you can is pretty exciting for them. One thing I have been sucessful imparting on them though, is understanding that living without debt is the ultimate anti-cultural and liberating lifestyle that the minimalist will have before anyone else.
Graham says
I understand your point. It really does not matter how much you model for children. Ultimately, they are adults waiting to be. And the greater culture seems to always trump whatever you teach.
You really have to live in isolation or some community of like minded people. It is the only way to get children to adopt minimalism.
Modern parenting has gone from expecting something from children to expecting absolutely nothing. Children no longer are asked to practice critical thinking or come up with their own cures to boredom. Why would they? Everyone around them are showering praise on them for even the smallest things and photographing every moment of their lives. Everything is all done for them well into their teens. So they just come to expect that someone will always do everything for them. Mainly mommy. A result of the patriarchal culture dying away. The imbalance is shifting to the matriarchal which is having negative effects too, just like too much patriarchy.
The neon glow, the shiny objects, the promise of ultimate instant gratification is really too much for children to resist. They do not have a prefrontal lobe that is developed and everything is pretty much whim to them no matter how much you show or tell. They care little for wisdom. They want the instant, now. American consumer culture knows this and wraps it up in the funnest, shiniest packages imaginable.
Maressa says
Very inspirational article Joshua. I’m in a journey of developing my character and focusing in what’s important, people, not things.
I’ve been inspired by your articles, they give me a Christ like perspective of life and that’s what I love the most about everything here at Becoming Minimalist.
Ethan Bridges says
Kids really do imitate the adults, and that’s a wonderful thing. It does pay to be “selfless” for this purpose, even just for a while, time flies so fast anyway. We may not notice it but kids feel our presence through all their senses. They look up to us. We should take care of that privilege.
Thanks for creating a mix out of minimalism and family values. Loved it! Great post, as always.
Joanna says
While I don’t have children of my own yet, this is a topic I’ve been mulling over lately. Specifically, my father’s inherent minimalism and my lack thereof. My parents grew up in socialist Poland, so there’s that. My mother is definitely not a minimalist (she enjoys things, and also struggles to part with things—which I think can be the opposite and perhaps even more frequent effect of living during those times).
I, of course, rebelled in my teenage years against my father deeming many of my wants as frivolous or too expensive. And now, while I don’t have children, I still find myself having a hard time reconciling what I believe (minimalism and conscious consumption are important) and what I often do (instant gratification) or find easiest (throw money at the problem).
My father, though he has many flaws, is frugal in the right ways. He lives a cultured life and travels often. He spends money on experiences over things. He has also always made room for his passion (painting) even when they were just scraping by. While I certainly absorbed his love of travel, sense of humor, easily riled up temperament and creativity, his frugality and minimalism I did not. I wonder if it comes out of our clashes during my teenager years, his failure to explain his choices as a philosophy (which I don’t think it was to him—it was second nature), or something entirely different.
As you can probably guess, I am pretty early on in my journey towards minimalism. When I consider how I should be living my life, I wonder how I can eventually raise my children in a way that inspires them to adopt minimalist values. That requires me to, of course, adopt them fully first.
Danie Botha says
Quite true, Joshua: the power of our example.
Demonstrating to our children how to live, to work; the essence of work-ethics, dedication and the importance of character and honesty – that it far outweighs physical possessions.
And then puberty happens, and is soon followed by adolescence – and they do make their own choices! Some wisely, some less so.
But, all is not lost. Stay the course. Continue giving love and acceptance.
Even though we are frequently made aware of our mortality and life’s brevity – we can and should teach our children and others to lead lives of significance. We should not confuse it with celebrity or fame – it is about impacting other’s lives through simple, but powerful acts: showing kindness, accepting unconditionally, forgiving, encouraging, giving our time, listening, being there, sharing life. Yes, giving our love.
Kathryn says
I do not think that minimalism necessarily equates to having miniscule possessions. I think minimalism has more to do with accountability for what one has, for the work one performs, integrity, loyalty, sharing, compassionate, and of course living with values of modesty. One may be quite unhappy in a scarcely decorated home. I don’t think minimalism is only concerned with consumerism. It seems to be the new mantra for living a greener, fresher, less encumbered existence where we give, interact, help, and strive for that old “peace” talked about but rarely achieved through selfishness.
Patricia Ingram says
I agree wholeheartedit .I began to try live more sustainably for ecological reasons stopping the constant purchases always donating goods buying second hand repairing etc. Now minimalism had crept in to sit comfortably alongside sustainability. I still have ornaments and cushions, throws etc but lost all the not loved stuff simplified my clothing, paperwork, kitchen maling life simpler and sweeter
Angela @ Setting My Intention says
I’ve never heard the story if the pelicans. Powerful! I’m definitely trying to change our ways slowly and hoping that it influences our children in positive ways.
Lizzie Hough says
Will agree with this wholeheartedly except for one point….Children do not always follow the minimalist path because their parents do. Even though you may not subject them to the propaganda of television (and other media) they do live in the world. Unless you are completely isolated, they see what others have and opportunities they miss because of your life style. The lust of the eyes is strong and their hearts are not your hearts.
Don’t get me wrong, here, as my husband and I have lived as minimalists most of our married life. We raised five wonderful children “outside the box” and they value our opinions and support our path… but do not always choose to live without the “extras”, even though they know how. I support them on their paths and, they will agree, I reserve the right to say “I told you so” when things don’t buy happiness. :)
Kellen says
In fact many young people reject much of what their parents modeled. How many people do you know who walked away from the religion stuff taught to them by their parents? I completely rejected my parents’ political and social views, they were reactionary capitalists and I wanted none of that. I’ve been a communist my entire adult life – what a surprise. :) Studied it in school, teach it to others, and have been an organizer in various liberation struggles both here and abroad.
A lot of minimalism probably comes out of having had a childhood in which not only was nobody wanting for anything, but there were no limits placed on “stuff” and it was at the expense of loving healthy relationships with the caregivers. It wouldn’t surprise me if many minimalist lifestyles begin this way rather than because it was modeled in the household.
Maryann says
Another great article, Joshua! I love the pelican story, as well as the lessons your children have learned.
I tripped over something in your 4th paragraph — the idea that you’re setting an example for your children about “how to achieve significance”.
Can you say more about that, and what you mean by it?
I recently read an article by Peter Bregman, entitled “Stop Worrying About How Much You Matter” http://peterbregman.com/articles/stop-worrying-about-how-much-you-matter/#.VbZZSbnbKpo — and there are other ideas that I’ve come across about the “willingness to be ordinary”. Those ideas resonate very much with me.
To me, there’s a truth here, that a lot of us fight against — that for most (almost all) of us, our individual lives don’t “matter” very much at all. Several hundred people are born and die every day! Sure, we do what we can to live an honourable life and to bring something positive into the world, but 100 years from now (or much sooner), we’ll be gone and forgotten. Completely. To me, it’s a relief to recognize that, to face it, and ultimately to accept it — and to stop striving for importance or significance. It’s really about accepting our mortality.
Those ideas, about being willing to be “ordinary”, seem to be counter to your comment about how to “achieve significance”.
I’d be very interested in your thoughts.
ren says
Living within ones means