The stories we share with one another are important. They provide context and history. They connect us with the past and the people around us. They offer insight. They transfer wisdom. And they provide inspiration.
The stories we choose to share as individuals and as a society are important to our development.
But equally important are the stories we choose not to tell. The stories we choose to withhold from others (and ourselves) are incredibly significant.
I have been struck recently by the imagery of stories purposefully being withheld. I think there is a lesson to be learned from them.
Consider the negative effects of how not sharing a story has become prominent in the news:
The Commissioner of the NFL, America’s most beloved sport, has been under harsh criticism recently for allegedly withholding a story of domestic abuse (or at the very least, choosing not to pursue the story fully).
Similarly, in recent years, Joe Paterno, the beloved football coach, was forced to resign over a story that he refused to tell proper authorities.
Outside the world of athletics, some are wondering if public health officials are withholding too much information about the recent outbreak of Ebola: What We’re Afraid to Say About Ebola
In each case, the decision to not pursue or share a specific story has proven (or may prove) to be damaging to the people involved and society as a whole.
There is a danger in withholding stories that ought to be told. (tweet that)
Bobette Buster said it like this, “The fact is, history has shown us that stories not told can become like an evil genie left in a bottle. When they are finally uncorked, their power to destroy is unleashed.”
But this is not a post about news reports, Public Health Organizations, or Athletic Associations. This is a post about the lives we live and the decisions we make with it.
And unfortunately, too often, we withhold stories from our own lives that could benefit others. The stories are not pretty. Otherwise, we would have already told them. But they have a place in our society and in our conversations with the people closest to us.
There are a number of reasons we hide parts of our story: they often reveal our weaknesses or expose our flaws; they require courage and strength to share; and of course, there are some stories that quite frankly should be kept private—especially those that embarrass someone else.
But as individuals and as a society, we have become too well-versed in withholding stories.
Most of us have two selves: the one we portray on the outside and the one we actually are on the inside. And the better we get at hiding the stories that reveal our true selves, the more damage we may be causing (to ourselves and to others).
Honesty and openness is important:
It proves we are trustworthy. Our human experience testifies that nobody is perfect. And those who seek to portray themselves as such are usually met with a suspicious eye.
It displays we are human. By admitting our weakness, we encourage others that our life is reproducible. We are not perfect or better. We have succeeded despite our weakness, and so can they.
It highlights the importance of hard work and personal development. Each of us start and live every day of our lives with flaws to overcome. Hard work may not allow us to overcome them completely. But it can demonstrate we do not have to be defined by our mistakes.
It allows others to know us (and themselves) better. The greatest desire of every human being is to be fully known and fully accepted. This is love. It is the call of our hearts. Vulnerability allows others to know us with a deeper intimacy—and show even greater love in the process.
It challenges others to share their stories. Vulnerability leads to vulnerability. Admitting weakness and sharing our difficult stories is an incredibly freeing act. It removes burden and weight from our shoulders. And it provides others the freedom and strength to share theirs.
Does this mean we admit every weakness, every flaw, and every secret regret to everybody we meet? No, of course not. There is a time and a place and a certain level of relationship necessary for some stories to be told in an appropriate manner.
But our world would be a better place if we decided to stop hiding our stories from one another.
Sue Berscheid says
I’m a big fan of your writitng’s and this post is amazingly timed. I was recently asked to tell my story for the Denver Catholic Register. Although tremendous anxiety and fear needed to be overcome, I gave the interview. I’m not a writer nor public speaker. My prayer is that my story will encourage or inspire others as well bringing to light issues that many of us struggle with, but are too afraid to share.
Thank you for insights!
BrownVagabonder says
It’s so hard to be honest with others about what is going on in your life. I find I can be more open on my blog while writing, than being honest face-to-face. Blogging has been a great way for me to open up about my fears and insecurities with the world.
The more we make it easy for people to share their thoughts, the better this world will be.
Thank you for this post.
Judy says
I have a lot that is just between me and God. I have wept bitter tears of repentance and I know that God has forgiven me…more than I will ever forgive myself. When He looks at me, He sees His son…and my sins are as far away as East is from the West. When I get “reminded” —I know it is the enemy. I declare that God has forgiven me fully and completely. I share a bit of “been there-done that” type of wisdom with others, but for the most part I am private about my past. I totally get what you’re saying Joshua, totally. I can work on it and share a bit more, I guess if I thought it would help someone. But for now, the best help I could be is a good role-model to my granddaughter. I feel like no one needs to know my business. It’s not who I am anymore.
louisa rogers says
Yes, and… learning what story to tell, when, for how long, in how much detail, to whom… THAT is wisdom. I’m around some people who seem to think the world must hear their story, and then they subject their listeners to a long, unedited monologue. I’ve been a compulsive self-discloser, and I’ve learned the hard way to be more discriminating. It has helped me a lot.
Laura says
Louisa, I’m with you in the compulsive self disclosure camp! It may be part of my medically diagnosed OCD, but I tend to open up too fast and over explain details that perhaps do not need to be shared. Yet every so often being honest about your own difficulties is the best gift you could give someone else. I know this because others have done this for me.
Michele Nicholls says
I have had an eventful life, to say the least of it. Many of the the most painful challenges were because of people I had mistakenly put my trust in. I blamed myself, telling myself there must be something terribly wrong with me that so many people treated me so badly, then I realised that was nonsense. When I started to tell my stories to others I found 2 responses ‘I don’t believe it, that’s ridiculous, it’s not the person I know’ or ‘That’s appalling, how strong you have been to come through this such a nice person’ Those who responded in the 1st way we’re obviously as deluded as I had been, the 2nd are my treasured friends! Speak your truth, other people’s discomfort with it is not your problem – just don’t go stamping on their metaphorical corns.
Daisy @ Simplicity Relished says
This post reminds me of a blog I recently discovered, called I Am Not Anonymous. It’s written by recovering adults who share their raw, dangerous and beautiful stories of redemption. You can find it here: http://www.iamnotanonymous.org/
Bevil says
A highly relevant post in today’s climate of, well, lies. I’m nearing completion of an 18 month project, a narrative series of paintings called ‘The Invaded’. It depicts the British invasion of Australia, and what happened to the ‘Australians’ over the ensuing 226+ years. The story is rarely told, and if it is, it’s often followed by the phrase “its about time ‘they’ moved on”.
However, the story I’m telling is ‘our’ story. As a non-indigenous Australian, I am part of the story, and if I don’t hold up my hand and say, ‘mea culpa’, then I am just as responsible for the injustices as those that perpetrated them in the first place. As you wrote, Joshua, sometimes we have to “share our difficult stories,” only then can we hope to move nearer to a hoped for ‘reconciliation’.
Teresa says
Beautiful. I wish I could see your paintings some day. What a wonderful work of reconciliation. We have the same work to do in Canada, which has been started in part with the Truth and Recinciliation Cimmittee, but still has a long way to go.
Bevil says
Hi Teresa,
Thanks for your measured and relevant comments. Next February or so, I will publish the 45 paintings on my brand new site, yet to have anything on it. So bookmark themaximalists.net and you’ll be able to see what I mentioned in my first post. (the ‘maximalists’ – “one who advocates direct or radical action to secure a social or political goal”; now I only try to do this through my art, NOT by any other means, I should point out)
John clements says
LOOOVVVEEE this post! I’m working on it!
Monica Lobenstein says
I have always been a quiet, shy person and have always been uncomfortable being in the limelight – the vulnerability factor. As I have grown more confident, especially through intentional choices in the last few years, I have grown more comfortable with being who I am and telling my story. Additionally, your post resonates with me because of the work I do in my “day job,” where it is becoming more and more important to let young people know that they are not alone in their fears and challenges. If we can share our own true stories bravely and let them know we have experienced some of the same things, they may find some relief and hope in that as we help them build skills to help themselves. Thank you for this!
Jeanne LaCelle says
This is the most extraordinary post I have read from you. This hit home so deeply. I have been writing a book for 10+ years. Much of it is hard to write and would be even harder to tell others, but I think your blog post helped me to understand the importance of sharing these stories. Thank you so much. xoxo
Donna says
Thank you, Jeanne, for sharing about your journey with your book. I have been working on my book about my childhood trauma and my healing journey for four years. Today’s blog post and your reply about your book both are helping me regain the inspiration I need to take another step and move forward with my story. I know listening to others stories have had a powerful affect on me. When we step forward in strength and courage, and speak our truth, we free ourselves and others a little bit more.
Jeanne LaCelle says
Perhaps we could take this journey together. We have so much in common. You are welcome to email me any time at jeannelacelle at yahoo.com.