The stories we share with one another are important. They provide context and history. They connect us with the past and the people around us. They offer insight. They transfer wisdom. And they provide inspiration.
The stories we choose to share as individuals and as a society are important to our development.
But equally important are the stories we choose not to tell. The stories we choose to withhold from others (and ourselves) are incredibly significant.
I have been struck recently by the imagery of stories purposefully being withheld. I think there is a lesson to be learned from them.
Consider the negative effects of how not sharing a story has become prominent in the news:
The Commissioner of the NFL, America’s most beloved sport, has been under harsh criticism recently for allegedly withholding a story of domestic abuse (or at the very least, choosing not to pursue the story fully).
Similarly, in recent years, Joe Paterno, the beloved football coach, was forced to resign over a story that he refused to tell proper authorities.
Outside the world of athletics, some are wondering if public health officials are withholding too much information about the recent outbreak of Ebola: What We’re Afraid to Say About Ebola
In each case, the decision to not pursue or share a specific story has proven (or may prove) to be damaging to the people involved and society as a whole.
There is a danger in withholding stories that ought to be told. (tweet that)
Bobette Buster said it like this, “The fact is, history has shown us that stories not told can become like an evil genie left in a bottle. When they are finally uncorked, their power to destroy is unleashed.”
But this is not a post about news reports, Public Health Organizations, or Athletic Associations. This is a post about the lives we live and the decisions we make with it.
And unfortunately, too often, we withhold stories from our own lives that could benefit others. The stories are not pretty. Otherwise, we would have already told them. But they have a place in our society and in our conversations with the people closest to us.
There are a number of reasons we hide parts of our story: they often reveal our weaknesses or expose our flaws; they require courage and strength to share; and of course, there are some stories that quite frankly should be kept private—especially those that embarrass someone else.
But as individuals and as a society, we have become too well-versed in withholding stories.
Most of us have two selves: the one we portray on the outside and the one we actually are on the inside. And the better we get at hiding the stories that reveal our true selves, the more damage we may be causing (to ourselves and to others).
Honesty and openness is important:
It proves we are trustworthy. Our human experience testifies that nobody is perfect. And those who seek to portray themselves as such are usually met with a suspicious eye.
It displays we are human. By admitting our weakness, we encourage others that our life is reproducible. We are not perfect or better. We have succeeded despite our weakness, and so can they.
It highlights the importance of hard work and personal development. Each of us start and live every day of our lives with flaws to overcome. Hard work may not allow us to overcome them completely. But it can demonstrate we do not have to be defined by our mistakes.
It allows others to know us (and themselves) better. The greatest desire of every human being is to be fully known and fully accepted. This is love. It is the call of our hearts. Vulnerability allows others to know us with a deeper intimacy—and show even greater love in the process.
It challenges others to share their stories. Vulnerability leads to vulnerability. Admitting weakness and sharing our difficult stories is an incredibly freeing act. It removes burden and weight from our shoulders. And it provides others the freedom and strength to share theirs.
Does this mean we admit every weakness, every flaw, and every secret regret to everybody we meet? No, of course not. There is a time and a place and a certain level of relationship necessary for some stories to be told in an appropriate manner.
But our world would be a better place if we decided to stop hiding our stories from one another.
amy says
I saw Winona Laduke speak this week and in addition to reading your post, I am reminded that in US history there is a story that remains mostly untold…that of the Native Americans. It is essential that we hear these stories and try to understand what was lost as America was “created.”
Naomi Sirmans says
I found your post very interesting. I have been thinking about this concept lately. There are some stories I don’t tell because I choose not to think about them – not to identify with hurtful moments in life that may have hindered and set me back – but rather to focus on the positive, moving forward, all there is in life to love. I am still not 100% sure the right balance, but I suppose life is a journey and doesn’t have just one answer. Great post!
Jacqueline says
thank you Joshua you always give me something to ponder on, this year has been take responsibility for myself only, and forgive, let go, and move on, trying to make sense sometimes wears you out, explaining all the time leaves you tired especially when no one gets it, all this over thinking etc exhausts me, simplify helps and being still and quiet restores, keep moving forward press on gives you hope etc, bless you for you blog
lv Jacqueline
Christine says
There is good reason why the oath in court is, “Do you swear to tell the truth, the WHOLE truth, and nothing but the whole truth?”
Sometimes leaving things out is just as dishonest as embellishing.
Ree Klein says
Great addition to the thought stream!
Linda Sand says
The story Mom told me about her leaving Dad was not true and damaged my relationship with him. He and I are OK again now but it took many years to recover from that damage. Be very careful, please, about what stories you tell your children.
Sheena says
This very same topic has been on my mind for days..then I read this and just loved this post. You have been a huge inspiration to me in your blog and have created soo many new tracks of thinking in my mind..I love the freedom of it. Thank you for all the time you put into writing. I really enjoy what you write. It’s nice to have a lot of “me too” moments where I realize I am not the only one who thinks that way. Great job! :)
Sarah T. says
I grew up with my mom always saying,”You don’t have to tell all you know.” To this day, I think those are some might wise words. We live in age of boundless information. Everybody shares far more than they need to. While there is definitely a time and a place for disclosure, I think we must be cautious in being too open. I prefer to share one-on-one as it will benefit someone who needs to know they are not alone, that there is a way through the pain of the here-and-now, that joy comes in the morning. But I find great wisdom in knowing when to keep silent as well as when to speak up. There’s a proverb about how a fool is known by his many words. And of course, I also read The Circle within the past year, and saw a fictional portrayal of too much information in the wrong hands. Buy mostly, I enjoy having the power within myself to know when to refrain from speaking. Of course, the irony here is my commenting and spewing out my thoughts on the subject. Heehee…
Ree Klein says
This subject is close to my heart, and everyone else’s I suppose because we all have made blunders, mistakes, been weak and hurt others. As you say, we’re human.
It’s what you do with that that separates people. If we learn and grow, it’s time to admit the transgression, apologize if possible and openly share the story. If we repeatedly make the same mistake, it is likely time to seek help or get a mentor.
I hid my bankruptcy. I was ashamed, embarrassed and felt that if I revealed it I would hurt my family. I was in my late 20s; I hid that fact for nearly 25 years and it ate at me despite the fact that it taught me some significant lessons and I changed my relationship with money.
So I wrote about it. Publicly. The day I removed the “coming soon” page from my blog I was terrified…had I made a mistake? Turns out the answer is no. It’s freeing and somehow feels like I’m repaying the “debt” by helping others who may be feeling the same way I did.
Beautiful post, Joshua, thank you!
Debbie Michaels says
Well written and oddly very scriptural. “For we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the WORD OF OUR TESTIMONY” Revelation 12:11 —so all of us who are hiding pieces of ourselves….be brave tell your story….
Sarita says
I gave a son up adoption in 1976. I have never hidden that fact. In 1996 we “found”each other. He had had no desire to meet me or speak to me. His one letter said he was grateful . I gave a speech to our ladies group at church. Out of that speech I helped two men find the it birth family. When we share our story,with discretion, we never know the lives we touch.
Your post is very heart opening.
Thank you.