I’ve never been very good at remembering people’s names. Or at least, I’ve never been as good at remembering names as I would like to be.
But I’m getting better—and I trace much of the change to a specific event that happened in my life many years ago.
Now, I know there are tips and tricks and books and courses you can take to get better at remembering names. I’ve even tried a few. But for me, the lesson I needed to learn was deeper, more introspective. There was something else getting in the way.
This became clear a number of years ago while speaking at an event in Wisconsin. It was a cold, winter evening outside. But inside was warm and pleasant. When I finished speaking, as people were departing, a lovely couple came up to meet me.
We exchanged names and pleasantries. And because the environment was quiet and informal, we continued to talk for the next 10-15 minutes on a wide-range of topics. It was wonderful.
But when they walked away, it dawned on me that I had entirely forgotten their names. And by “forgotten,” I mean totally forgotten—like I don’t think I even remembered the first letter of their names, much less the entire thing.
I knew I would probably see them again the next day and I could certainly cover over the fact that I didn’t remember their names until I had chance to glance at their name tag—I’ve done it a thousand times before.
But on this particular evening, as I got into my car and drove off into the cool night, I felt a bit of sadness. I was sad that I wasn’t able to remember something as simple as the names of two people I very much enjoyed meeting.
Slowly, I began to ask myself why. Rather than trying to remember their names, I started asking why I was unable to recall them. I was sure they mentioned them. I mean, I could picture the moment where I held out my hand to shake theirs.
I remembered them stating their names, but all I could remember from our interaction … was me … stating mine.
They introduced themselves, but all I can remember was introducing myself.
And suddenly it struck me.
I entered the conversation—as I do so often—with the desire to be known rather than to know. I was trying so hard to say something impressive or witty or intelligent that I entirely missed what they were saying on the other side of the conversation.
I wanted them to know my name more than I wanted to know theirs.
I wanted to share my expertise rather than seek to learn from theirs. I wanted opportunity to tell my story more than I wanted opportunity to hear theirs. I wanted to be known more than I wanted to know.
I could not remember their name because I was too focused on them remembering mine.
I’ve run through that conversation countless times in my life over the years. These days, as much as possible, when I meet somebody new, I try hard to remember their name.
I don’t always get it right. But I have found when I enter a conversation seeking to know the other person more than being known by them, my chances of remembering their name increase significantly.
Even more, I have discovered that taking the time to truly know someone else is one of the quickest paths to being known by them.
About Joshua Becker
Funny— names I will forget, but I will remember a face forever.
But I understand your plight, Joshua. After-all… you’ve made a career out of selling yourself and the message behind it. And Hope Effect as well. So when meeting new people you probably feel like it is vital to represent. Hope that makes sense ;)
This is so smart. I haven’t thought about this perception and always always forgot names. I totally connect with your experience I want people to remember mine.
Hi
I wanted to thank you and let you know how much I enjoy your articles and what I appreciate most about them. I appreciate that your articles are concise, neat and provide the information without being too wordy or going off tangent. This made me realize that many articles, videos, etc about clearing out clutter are essentially cluttered themselves. This extra information may pertain in some sense to the overall subject but often I find I have to wade thru it to get to the meat of the subject which makes me just as grumpy as the actual items that accumulate in my home. You truly are a minimalist and I read all of your articles completely because of this.
Thanks Joshua
This has to be one of my favourite posts of all time. Totally honest and genuine. Thank you for your inspiration
This is powerful. It’s so true. Like Shakespeare said “Brevity is the soul of wit”
I love this blog post! I often find myself referring to Steven Covey’s 7 Habits. One of them is: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. I see your story as a take on this timeless advice! Thank you so much for helping me to remember to listen more closely!
I often find myself in a similar situation. Upon examination of the reason for my forgetfulness, I believe that I am usually so self-conscious about the whole formal meeting of a new individual that the name never gets into my memory system. It is the same self-absorbed focus upon myself, however, that leads to this problem. How do I look? What do they think of me? Will I be able to think of something interesting to say next? It seems to be a hold-over from young adult years when identify insecurity was a larger factor in my life. Just recognizing this silly causality factor is helpful in combating it. I’m practicing the art of “lightening up” and just not worrying about little stuff. Being fully present in the moment is the solution to so many interpersonal problems!
That’s a good one… deep and completely honest!
I think there is a lot of anxiety during the first few minutes of a conversation with someone new. It’s no wonder we don’t remember one another’s names. What I try to do is relax, listen carefully to the other person’s name and then SAY their name(s) right away. “Hi, Susan! It’s nice to meet you!” Or “You have an unusual name…How do you spell it?” Once I have repeated their name it is easier for me to remember it.
What a poignant and refreshing reminder to love others before ourselves. To invest in others lives brings clarity and peace to our own.
This was an excellent article!! Too many of us do not live “in the moment” and we are so busy trying to get our own words in! Thank you!!!
I really enjoyed the article. I think it’s right on point. We tend to wait for our turn to speak than to take the time to listen.
I simply apologize and ask their name(s) again. It’s not the end of the world, besides, they’ve probably forgotten mine too. I also try to equate their name with a song by the same name, or equate their name with a specific characteristic of theirs. Still, I forget. No shame, be honest. You made a great point though, concentrate more on the person you are meeting instead of trying to promote yourself.
This a common issue with most of the people. Remembering a name is quiet difficult especially if you met the person for only once.
this is the best post i ever read .
Well, that might be a bit much. But thanks for the encouraging sentiment.
So very true. I will do better.
Great article! Although I don’t usually have an issue with remembering people’s names, I do struggle sometimes with wanting to share my ideas and not being the best listener in return. This article is a good reminder about the value of listening and making the space to allow people to share their ideas and selves.
This is a great reminder for me. I think I do this, too. But it’s mainly because I get so nervous talking to new people that I just talk as much as I can to avoid awkward silences. I’m trying to remind myself that silence is okay.
Very informative article very true happen to me all the time when I meet new people or co-workers very embarrassing to ask their name again even yours Joshua Becker I have to scroll down the article again to looked a your name again I think a have a huge problem.
Excellent, eye-opening insight!
I love this. It explains so much more than why we can’t remember names. It’s an act of selfless love when we fully listen to someone else’s story.
This hits home hard!
Thanks for the reminder!!
God Bless! :) :) :)
For me it was when I was about 15 or 16, at a huge youth event. I kept meeting people who said things like, “Nice to meet you. I’ll never remember your name, I’m really bad at that.” After a dozen or more people, it started to sound like an excuse for not trying.
I made up my mind that I was going to be good at names.
It doesn’t take an awful lot of effort, and it makes people so happy when you do!!
Wow, that is an insight that really hit home for me! I have the same trouble with names of new people (sometimes even people I “know”).. and that perspective of concentrating on finding out about them… even to the point of being anonymous, at least at first. I am going to try this right away, and hope my long-held habit of trying to “look good” to new people, can be changed
Enjoyed the post on remembering names. I wholeheartedly agree with the deeper reason why we do not remember a name. I have endeavored to immediately after hearing a name to repeat it three times to the person. This helps to lodge their name in my mind and I continue to use it throughout the conversation.
By the way, I do enjoy your post.
WOW. Just wow.
Loved the article. I have never thought of the “why I don’t remember” but your explanation makes real sense. I am going to approach introductions with a different attitude now and I am going to Amazon and buying your book!
Wow.
Profound.
Makes sense, doesn’t it.
Sharing over on my LinkedIn site …
Thanks for sharing it over there Linda.
Nothing is music to our own ears like hearing our own names. Which is why learning to focus outward, on others, rather than inward, helps in remembering names and delighting those we speak with. I’ve struggled with this too.
As young child I was told how important it was to remember a person’s name and the best method was paying attention. I was also told the impression is calling that person by their name as once you did they in turn paid attention to you. Serving in many volunteer capacities as well as being employed where this skill paid off. An important factor with name badges is wearing them properly it is easy to make eye contact . Office doors as well as desk plates give a person the opportunity to mentally look at the name before pronouncing it also.
Excellent. Really makes me think, and want to do better in this area. Thank you.
Beautiful post, Joshua. I will remember this. Thank you.
Thank you for your honesty. That was a very good insight. I can so relate and this has made me want to become more conscious of really seeing and listening to others. Thanks!
Regarding:
The Deeper Reason Why We Can’t Remember People’s Names
I’m fascinated by your comments, Joshua.
I once read “An interesting person is interested.”
I don’t recall the name of the person that authored the comment!
but the comment has stuck with me for 45 years.
Thank you for your honesty in this piece.
Through your comments I have discovered something about myself.
Wow. This really hit home. What an excellent and honest insight. Thank you for sharing this. It is so needed.
How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie is an old old book but has a great chapter on remembering names.
Indeed. I have recommended that book at various places on this blog in fact.
This is me! I believe I just had a heart change moment. Thank you.
Great article. If we seek to understand first and then be understood, if we seek to know first before we are known, that will really help. I’ve also learned to be shameless about it and tell the other person at the end, “I really enjoyed my time with you a lot and want to connect again in the future. Instead of relying on my memory, I am going to write your names down, is that okay?” All the time they say yes. We all know we forget each other’s names. That’s worked for me.
That is a great idea to write them down (after asking about it). Thank you for sharing that idea! Thank you, Kenneth!
I have taken what you have written to heart, you have inspired me. As I go into an event this evening, I will use this information to be better. Thank you for the insight.
Thank you for always being so honest, reachable, relatable, and real in every one of your blog posts. I’ve been a reader for many years, and have read all of your books. Your story inspires me!
Thanks for the kind words Autumn.
I expected you to give a different answer actually (our brains are cluttered, something like that) but can understand what you are saying. My personal experience with this, I feel, is due to the distraction of things around me. If much of going in the room, it is hard for me to absorb that first bit of info. I do often repeat people’s names after they say them to help it stick, but at the end, if I realize I can’t remember – and I enjoyed speaking to them – I apologize and ask again. For me, it’s definitely not because I want them to know who I am lol
Josh, you’ve described a classic conundrum that most of us merely humans experience, especially me. Your response addresses the root cause. Since I’ve also resolved too many times to remember a name – and then promptly forgotten it, I’ve started incorporating the following into my morning meditation.
After reminding myself that I am already loved (despite my faults) and therefore I don’t have to earn love, I repeat to myself, “It’s not about meI” and call to mind who I will probably see or talk with in the coming day. I picture myself silently honoring them. This helps, but I still forget. So I put a little sign on my front and back doors and my key chain that reads “HO” (Honor Others). This helps me remember as I leave home or the car, to honor and be present to the next person I will meet. It’s not perfect, but it’s helping.
Excellent advice! Thank you!
This may be a man/woman thing, but I am also terrible with names. At the moment I am sharing mine, I am focused on conveying niceness, openness and friendliness.
BUT… I will remember everything about that person’s life, if what they share is at all personal I will remember it.
Maybe that’s because women are supoossed to listen, and men are
suppossed to present themselves.
Interesting…
I don’t think it’s a gender thing – my husband is awesome at remembering names, because e laces value on others….
wow, very interesting! I find I often have difficulty remembering names if I “try too hard”… remembering people’s names has always been a priority to me. I ‘ve always felt it was important I did so the person will feel like I felt they were relevant to me. On the flip side, it doesn’t bother me at all if someone doesn’t remember my name. When I encounter someone I recognize, and they seem to be stumbling to remember my name, I just blurt it out… I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable. :)
So convicting! I also have always struggled remembering the names of people I have just met – I usually forget about 10 seconds after they say it. I’m sure this article will stay with me for a long time (I’ll remember it with every introduction). Thanks for writing.
Thanks, this is good!
Thank you Josh, for this post. It echos my own struggles, and resonates deeply for me. The post encourages me to be more intentional in my relationships, and to “seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Thank you and keep writing. You are a blessing.
I do not care if they remember my name, but I do love to have conversation, and then forget names. Even when I make a point to remember with a trick, I forget.
Sometimes I forget names especially common names. Odd names are sometimes easier to remember for ex: Zack, Jason vs Jim, Bob or Mike or Tina, Louise vs Mary, Kathy or Marie. Last names harder to remember.
I truly enjoying reading the article. I too suffer from temporary memory loss. I will take your advise and be more “in” the moment and make sure that I get to know that person instead of them knowing me…:)