I’ve never been very good at remembering people’s names. Or at least, I’ve never been as good at remembering names as I would like to be.
But I’m getting better—and I trace much of the change to a specific event that happened in my life many years ago.
Now, I know there are tips and tricks and books and courses you can take to get better at remembering names. I’ve even tried a few. But for me, the lesson I needed to learn was deeper, more introspective. There was something else getting in the way.
This became clear a number of years ago while speaking at an event in Wisconsin. It was a cold, winter evening outside. But inside was warm and pleasant. When I finished speaking, as people were departing, a lovely couple came up to meet me.
We exchanged names and pleasantries. And because the environment was quiet and informal, we continued to talk for the next 10-15 minutes on a wide-range of topics. It was wonderful.
But when they walked away, it dawned on me that I had entirely forgotten their names. And by “forgotten,” I mean totally forgotten—like I don’t think I even remembered the first letter of their names, much less the entire thing.
I knew I would probably see them again the next day and I could certainly cover over the fact that I didn’t remember their names until I had chance to glance at their name tag—I’ve done it a thousand times before.
But on this particular evening, as I got into my car and drove off into the cool night, I felt a bit of sadness. I was sad that I wasn’t able to remember something as simple as the names of two people I very much enjoyed meeting.
Slowly, I began to ask myself why. Rather than trying to remember their names, I started asking why I was unable to recall them. I was sure they mentioned them. I mean, I could picture the moment where I held out my hand to shake theirs.
I remembered them stating their names, but all I could remember from our interaction … was me … stating mine.
They introduced themselves, but all I can remember was introducing myself.
And suddenly it struck me.
I entered the conversation—as I do so often—with the desire to be known rather than to know. I was trying so hard to say something impressive or witty or intelligent that I entirely missed what they were saying on the other side of the conversation.
I wanted them to know my name more than I wanted to know theirs.
I wanted to share my expertise rather than seek to learn from theirs. I wanted opportunity to tell my story more than I wanted opportunity to hear theirs. I wanted to be known more than I wanted to know.
I could not remember their name because I was too focused on them remembering mine.
I’ve run through that conversation countless times in my life over the years. These days, as much as possible, when I meet somebody new, I try hard to remember their name.
I don’t always get it right. But I have found when I enter a conversation seeking to know the other person more than being known by them, my chances of remembering their name increase significantly.
Even more, I have discovered that taking the time to truly know someone else is one of the quickest paths to being known by them.
Ray says
oh dear… i thought that was me writing that for a moment.. my thoughts exactly… I think self-centeredness is a modern day cultural thing. we’re surrounded by it. I know that I have to work on it continually. thnks
Cheryl @ Uncluttered Simplicity says
AAHH! I am so bad at remembering people’s names. My short-term memory stinks, so I attribute my memory loss to that. Something I have found useful is to write down their names (ASAP) or ask them for a business card. I also make sure to let people know it can take up to 10 interactions for me to remember their name, so not to be offended if I forget. Then, whenever I see the person again, I say, “What is your name (again)?” Funny thing is, they have usually managed to forget my name as well and are relieved when I repeat it!
Michael says
Wow, thank you Joshua, for turning the light on in my head. I am going to give this a try and I’m pretty sure it is going to significantly improve my relationship with people.
Erin says
Amen.
Karen says
Poignant point – whether someone takes time to know someone’s name is a true reflection of whether one values others enough to do so…..
Loved your post until the last sentence – “Focusing to remember names because it’s the quickiest way for them to remember you” – is that a genuine value about others?seems it’s putting values on others to ultimately serve ones own ego, yet again….. I don’t think your recount was about that but chucking that last comment in undermined the moral of your story….
Martha says
Wow…what a sermon! Thank you Joshua…I surely needed that!!!
Aleen Smith says
Thank you so much. I’ve recently joined a new church congregation and have been working hard to overcome my self-centered-ness. I am remembering names so much better than ever before; you just explained why! Wonderful article
Gayle Wagner says
Before I read your article I thought about why I forget people’s names. I do have a poor short term memory but I don’t think that is the sole cause. I realized that I focus on the content of the person’s conversation so the name loses significance. “A rose by any other name…”. I have no problem admitting I have forgotten someone’s name when I meet them again because I will remember the context of the conversation.
Tracey says
Yes. Made me think about the verse in the Bible that tells me that my name is written upon God’s hands. Because he knows me. :)
Judy says
Beautiful.
Roberta says
Thanks for the insight. I have a terrible time remembering names, and I am uncomfortable meeting new people. Perhaps I am so poor at names because I am so focused on my discomfort. I’ll apply this information!