“If your love is only a will to possess, it’s not love.” ―Thích Nhất Hạnh
Selflessness is an important key to marriage, friendships, and relationships. It is also an essential key to happiness and fulfillment. But unfortunately, often overlooked.
Selflessness is often overlooked as a key to happiness because, on the surface, it appears to run contrary to the very notion. I mean, isn’t the pursuit of happiness by its very nature selfish?
No, it is not. Or at least, it doesn’t need to be.
Our lives can be lived for any number of purposes. They can be used to advance a personal kingdom for selfish reasons (money, possessions, fame, prestige, reputation). But our lives can also be lived for the pursuit of justice, happiness, or growth for another person or people group. We can live to solve the problems we encounter in this world. We can dedicate ourselves to advancing certain ideals. But only when we embrace service and selflessness will we find lasting significance in our world.
Many will try to define success in terms of winning out over others, having power over others, or the ability to dominate others. The lust for power is common and widespread in humans—the power to order others around, the power to make decisions that will impact others, and the power to own when others cannot.
But this type of happiness and influence is short-lived. It will always fade. Nobody is intimately drawn to selfishness. Nobody seeks the wise counsel of a selfish person. Nobody is willing to give themselves up for one who desires his own kingdom above all things.
However, we are uniquely drawn to those who selflessly give of themselves. Those who love and give generously find a type of fulfillment that extends beyond position, title, or structure. They find an authority that reaches into our heart and soul. Their example is studied. Their counsel is sought. Their stories are told in positive ways. And their happiness is truly lasting.
May we refuse to overlook the importance of selflessness. Instead, may we choose to pursue selflessness as the very means to achieve happiness—not just for our own sake, but for the sake of those we choose to love.
Judy says
Thank you for the post and comments. Very helpful.
I wanted to share that in a previous job, a co-worker vebally assaulted me and called me “selfish” after I told her I had to check my schedule before I could substitute for her at work. I felt so horrible I could not eat and I am a recovered compulsive overeater. My sponsor reminded me that self care is not selfish.
The reason I even looked “selfishness” up on the Internet is that I am seeing how I am, with the best of intentions. Founders of AA from Orodox Group started something called Two Way Prayer. When I went on that sight http://www.twowayprayer.org it helped me by having me ask if my moties are honest, pure, selfless and loving.
When I discovered recently how I am selfish by not sharing my gifts and talents I fell into workaholism. (compulsive busyness, thinking, activities) My family got pushed to the side. I started to fall into vagueness around money and I have been recovering from compulsive debt. It took two weeks to recognize this desire to help others could be an unconscious selfish pursuit for recognition, praise and satisfaction I didn’t receive as a child.
I am also recovering from growing up in an alcoholic/dysfunctional home. Until I finish those steps, I believe I will be coming from a selfish place in whatever I believe I want. the last time my unresolved childhood issues were triggered, it took 10 years to recover to where I am today. It is hard to know if I am being motivated by my wounded inner child or God’s desire.
Thanks for letting me share.
Judy
Julia says
Thank you for a very thought provoking post that hit home for me. Also, Theresa and Brown Vagabonder your comments provide a good counterbalance.
I’m at a point in my life where I am seriously thinking about moving into an intentional community close to where I currently live near family and friends. This is a very historic and well established community founded in 1941 by pacifists and unlike modern communities there is no private ownership of homes or vehicles and all residents are employed directly by the community enterprises (farm, cafe, gallery, workshop etc) in return for a home, food provided by the farm and an allowance according to whether you are single or have a family. I confess I am struggling with working through some aspects of selflessness and selfishness and trying to find a balance between what is right for me as a single woman and what I feel my responsibilities are as an only child to ageing parents who only see communities as hippie/druggie/free love/no hoper hangouts. Is it selfish to do that to your parents? Is it selfless to work towards a greater good within a like minded group? I believe that for me selflessness in a community will lead to greater happiness as I will be surrounded by those who are working towards the same goal of supporting each other rather than competing for survival and that be doing so we create a greater force which lifts up those around us rather than feeling the need to dominate.
pamela smith says
Along with trying to practice servant leadership in my business, my philosophy is that if I take care of enough people, maybe one day when I need it someone will take care of me. But I don’t do it to ‘bank’ caring, I do it because it feels…right.
Teresa’s point (above) about letting others take advantage of you is on point–I see this exact situation several times a month. But being selfless or does not have to mean being a doormat–think about being in an airplane, for instance. The pre-flight speech always tells ‘those traveling with small children’ to put their own oxygen mask on first, and THEN help the child with theirs. The selfless person must take good care of themselves to begin with, otherwise they are unable to be there for others.
As Warren Bogart says in A Book of Common Prayer (Didion)–“You take care of someone; someone takes care of you–it’s all the same”.
Sebastian Aiden Daniels says
I agree that “selflessness” is important in terms of happiness and successful relationships. I put “selflessness” in parantheses since you can’t be completely selfless because then you are susceptible to getting taken advantage of.
The comments above seem to believe in some way something similar. Choosing to be selfless is in a way establishing a “self”, since you are making a decision to define yourself in such way.
As an annoying Socrates might put it, “If someone calls you selfish while another calls you selfless, then which one are you?”
Jeffrey Willius says
Great post, Joshua. I’ve always felt that the term “pursuit of happiness” was sort of oxymoronic. At least for me, it’s one of those things that is best realized by not pursuing it. Selflessness is a good way to stop trying to make happiness happen and LET it happen.
Ed says
Very well-written and important post Joshua!
Humans are by nature selfish (that self-preservation instinct) but if we are to survive as a species we need we start moving beyond our selfishness. We need more people who are willing to “step up” and do what’s right for society and for our planet.
Amy Axelson says
When we give to others* in ways which nurture ourselves, feed ourselves, and feel good for ourselves, -then- we have a win-win indeed.
* Find others who find value in what you uniquely and freely want to give. (Don’t assume everyone wants what you are giving.)
Robert Davis says
The final words of today’s email might be better said:
“may we choose to pursue selflessness as the very means to achieve happiness—not just for our own sake, but for the sake of those we love.”
The words “choose to” are contrary to selflessness.
BrownVagabonder says
In a traditional Indian culture, selflessness is touted as the best way to prove your love and dedication to your parents and family. If you do not care about what makes you happy, but live in a way your parents want you to live, you will be happy. They choose your career, your marriage partner, what you eat, what you wear, who you befriend, and so on. I lived in that manner for a long time and then I lived in the opposite way. I did whatever I wanted. I lived my life the way I wanted to.
I was definitely happier being a little selfish. I didn’t give up on my parents completely. I tried to listen to both viewpoints and then do what seemed to be the best for me.
I think in an extremely individualistic culture like North America, being selfless is a step up. Whereas in a traditional selfless culture like India or China, maybe being a little selfish would be gratifying. Balance is the key in both cases.
Teresa says
On the flip side…
(knew that one was coming, right?)
…being a person that grew up hearing ONLY this lesson of selflessness and humbleness in childhood and practicing it for 40+ years, I’ve learned that it’s imperative to find balance.
(This is my 2-cents as a discussion point and NOT a criticism or argument to counter your post.)
A selfless person will attract takers, will be underappreciated and may fall victim to the straw-that-breaks-the-camel’s-back IF they do not set clear boundaries or choose carefully the direction in which their selflessness can do good. The world may will seek your advice then will ignore it. Pearls and swine, y’know? The emotional gas tank can quickly empty from selflessness as quickly as selfishness.
In fact, my own journey into simplicity is being fueled by exploring a more balanced approach toward selfishness. For the first time in my life, I’m moving toward what I want MY home to look like. No more storing stuff with others in mind. No more fueling the expectation that my time/energy is 2nd to everyone else’s. This gives me more energy/time to practice the selflessness that I believe you are alluding to… worthy charity organizations, elderly neighbors, LOYAL family and friends, etc.
I suppose what I wanted to add was that sometimes clutter comes from putting yourself last (selflessly) instead of first (selfishly), physically and emotionally, and can be just as big of a problem. Balance. Balance. Love for others and self in a balanced way.
Loving your blog/FB posts. I’ve shared you with many of my friends that are benefiting as well as myself from your thoughts and advice. Keep up the good work and know that you are heard and appreciated! We are all on a journey; may we always seek to encourage one another.
Bill H. says
Awesome. Very well said. Thanks for this insight. I think this will help many with there journey.
Elle says
Exactly what my thoughts were. As someone who has struggled to hear my own voice, by listening to me more I have de cluttered in a way. Now I can give more freely to others.
Thanks Joshua for your amazing posts that keep me centred here in London
mary says
wow! this a very deep and understanding article.
April says
Teresa, you are exactly right. I recently realized I had to become more ‘self-centred’, in the sense of putting my wellbeing ahead of the negative behaviours of others which could so easily damage me and which, if I was truly selfless, I would have to support and allow (if not condone).
I don’t think this is necessarily incompatible with Joshua’s idea of selflessness, of rejecting power struggles and attempts to dominate others and embracing service and giving to others. But these must be on appropriate terms. It’s a matter of definitions.
Thanks to Joshua for another thought-provoking post.
Eric Ungs says
April, you’re exactly right. It’s a matter of definitions. I completely agree with what Teresa is saying, through personal experience. It wasn’t until I was being “selfish” and intentional about my self growth that I was truly able to be selfless. Prior, I was being selfless, but that doesn’t mean I was happy. I truly believe in order to be selfless, wholeheartedly and genuinely, we must take care of ourselves first, that means being selfish. This is where it’s a matter of definitions. Selfishness in the sense of well-being and intentional self growth; not power, money, materialism, etc. We must take care of ourselves first in order to give our best selves to others. To make a difference in our own lives and the lives around us, in something much larger than ourselves.
Thought provoking post Joshua!
Junaid says
Very well said. It’s so true!
Being humble doesn’t work well as being aware. Some people take advantage of your selflessness. It’s good to keep it balanced.
patchesohullihan says
I love your concept of “Balance” you are so right! I broke up with my girlfriend because I was selfish and wanted to date other girls that I believed were prettier than her…we were together for 3.5 years and I threw it away. I now realize that i made the biggest mistake of my life. I’m lonely and I miss her so much!!! I want to learn to balance my selflessness and selfishness. I didn’t do enough for her the first time hopefully I can have another chance..
Donald says
Will said ????
D Handy says
But by your own examples and definition, that way of giving over boundaries is Selfish! The desire is so strong to give, that is actually Selfish.
Because to expect to receive back more than one put in, such as to receive security from the act of giving, is selfish.
You never gave any security to anyone by living compassionately. You didn’t eliminate anything. You just provide an example of the original, debt-free state.
So to expect anything out of anyone, or even the universe, by giving, is Selfish.
The balance does exist, and it is found where the sensation of appreciation exists, well beyond the sensation that you have some special ability that everyone could benefit from.
Humillty does not seek to be seen as a benefactor; it actually seeks the opposite.
This is why you cannot find God.
If it wants to find you it will, but you have to be truly humiliated by your selfishness first.
Very few people are willing to be humilated unless they are in bondage, with a contract to make sure they are compensated in excess.
This is humiliation for me to admit that what almost everyone sees as Selflessness is absurdly selfish.
Peace.