“Most of the successful people I’ve known are the ones who do more listening than talking.” —Bernard M. Baruch
Long before becoming minimalist or embracing my love for writing, I attended a Graduate School in St. Paul, MN to major in Theological Studies. It was an intensive three-year program that focused on spiritual understanding and spiritual formation—I have since come to realize there is indeed a great difference between the two.
As part of an assignment for a personal development class, I was asked to refrain from speaking for 24 hours. “Pick any normal day,” the professor said, “and try not to say anything. That’s your assignment. We’ll talk about your experience when we return next week.”
The assignment was met with skepticism. But as I woke up on my selected day, within the first hour, I began to see the logic. By the end of the 24-hour period, my view of communication and the words we choose had changed forever. And I learned valuable truths about myself and my motivations.
It was, in fact, far more enlightening than I ever imagined.
As the professor outlined the assignment, he warned, “It’s very likely you will have to speak at some point during the day. It is difficult to make it through an entire day without communicating at all. But when you do have to speak, immediately go back to silence. Find space to dwell on the words you chose and the motivations behind them.”
This, then, became the greatest learning opportunity of the experiment. After speaking and returning to silence, my mind was left to dwell on the words I chose, my attitude in my speech, and my internal motivation behind it. Or when I didn’t speak, but really wanted to, I was forced to discover why I wanted to speak in each situation.
I quickly learned of my desire to control situations or convert someone to my opinion. Sometimes my words were motivated by love, but far more often than I’d like to admit, they were motivated by selfish pursuits, personal ambition, or a desire to impress others.
We often speak for the purpose of control: to control what people think of us or to make sure people do what we want done in the way we want it. We often use our words to cover-up or hide our mistakes or faults. We use words to explain ourselves to others. Hugh Prather may have been right when he said, “No matter what we talk about, we are talking about ourselves.”
Refusing to speak forces us to embrace silence. And in a world addicted to noise, idle chatter, and meaningless words, silence can be very uncomfortable. But there is great life to be found in solitude—if only we’d give it opportunity.
It was, indeed, a heart-revealing assignment that resulted in personal (and spiritual) development. Even 10 years later, I remember it well and I have recommended it countless times to others. Today, I recommend it to you.
To conduct a 24-hour experiment of your own, here are a few helpful tips:
1. Choose a “normal” day. For example, don’t choose a day you already planned to be alone in the woods or driving a car alone for 8 hours. Choose a day where you will engage in normal relationships with other people. Avoid excessive external stimulation: MP3 players, radio, television, video games. Provide space for your thoughts.
2. Inform your closest relationships. Tell your spouse and/or kids about your experiment. If appropriate, inform your co-workers. This will be helpful as the day unfolds—and a bit comical as they try really hard to get you to talk.
3. Don’t be rude. Don’t be unloving. Just decide not to speak unless you are spoken to.
4. Study the silence. Is it difficult? Uncomfortable? Do you feel an urge to talk just to break it? And if so, why?
5. Notice your urge to speak. They will be far more common than you expect. Investigate your intention when you feel the urge. For what reason did you feel compelled to speak?
6. When you do speak, choose words that are “few and full.” And then return to your discipline.
7. After you speak, journey inward. Wrestle with the words you chose. Why did you choose them? What were you hoping to accomplish? And what were your internal motivations in choosing the words you did?
8. If possible, choose a friend to do the experiment with you. You can send them this post for motivation and information. Afterwards, share your victories and your failures. Together, you’ll be able to process the day better.
Talking can be fun. But silence can be life-transforming. We would be wise to provide it more opportunity.
Image: John Lemieux
Pippy Tolan says
More words come out of my mouth on any given day that anyone else on Earth. I have always made my living by non-stop talking. Acting, presenting, selling. Blah blah blah. When I am not working I am talking. My voice is permanently hoarse from overuse. I have actual damaged vocal chords, from nothing other than, yes, talking. I had a scope put down my nose to check for sure. Even my own mother told me, “Pippy, we are all able to say so many words in a lifetime, and you have said all yours.” My new husband loves my wit, and humor and my ability to barge into a conversation, take it over, and make it all about me, or a subject that just might enjoy more, everyone laughing, not realizing what has just happened. But not everyone thinks that I am so charming. I am so brilliant that sometimes I stop in the middle of a clever story, laugh out loud and tell everyone listening that I must be a genius to have thought of something so extraordinary. Nasa should hire me to work for their think tank, I am full of such great ideas! I am not trying to be conceded. I just want everyone to realize what I am saying is special and unique. I am actually very enjoyable, most of the time. But I know I get old. One morning, my voice would not work at all. Barely a squeak came out. I was at a big weekend event with hundreds of my friends, and I had talked the night away. My dear friend, a healer, told me to take a break from talking. I decided to take a vow of silence. For four whole hours. In these four hours I learned more than I ever have about myself. I was DYING to speak, constantly. I would walk away and think about what I wanted to say, and realized that it did not need to be said. Most of it was rubbish. As my friends woke up, and passed me and said good morning, I smiled, hugged them, patted them, kissed them and sighed, never saying a word. Enjoying the beautiful morning, the birds, the trees, noticing my friends, seemingly for the first time. Taking it all in. This was one of the loveliest mornings of my life. Since then I have used this story in many conversations about myself, however, this article reminds me that maybe I should try this again sometime. I know my friends would not mind. Neither would my Mother
Jill says
I’ve actually got the opposite problem. I’ve always been a quiet person, intensely analyzing everything I say to make sure it was “okay” and what my words communicated to each listener. It’s not unusual for me to get the sarcastic comment, “I sure wish you wouldn’t talk so much,” and people often feel disconnected from me because I don’t easily share myself. But when I do open up, I’m purposeful about what, when, and why I share. I have to practice the flip side of this coin, giving people a chance to hear my thoughts even when those thoughts aren’t spectacular. Then I learn about the character of other people as I see how they handle the real me, and I generally learn that I’m much more loved and accepted than I ever would have given myself credit for.
I agree with the author here that evaluating your purposes in speaking will teach you so much about yourself, and a 24 hour silence experiment is useful for people who talk often already. Just wanted to point out there are people who may need to practice the other side…learning to take the risk of sharing ourselves with others more. When you open up and share authentic parts of yourself, and then evaluate others’ responses as a window into their hearts, it’s another great way to learn about and bond with others. The key is in being *authentic* with the things we say.
Thanks for letting me share. :)
Richard says
I totally agree with you becose this is exactly my case, i dont usully speak or be around people, i m quiet all the time and dont open my mouth unless others speak to me. I will be pleased to hear from the author that he is planning a little challenge,to be the opposite of this one, and i am sure it will help me and a lot of my fellow silent dudes as i read through comments, i dont know why but i felt that i rly want to give sme of my thoughts on this one.
And thank you all
Kush Sharma says
Mini retreats like this are a wonderful idea. Thanks Joshua! As for myself, I think even 24 hours would be a tad too much for the first go. I’d probably start with something like a quarter day and then build from there!
Jen says
Jeff: You’re absolutely right. UPS, hweveor, which is denying spousal benefits to civilly united same-sex couples in New Jersey, is granting spousal benefits to married same-sex couples in Massachusetts. DOMA aside, the word marriage prompts different behaviors from the words civil union. Of course any state that doesn’t recognize a legal union performed in another state, whether it’s marriage or civil union, is nonetheless in violation of the full faith and credit clause of the US Constitution.
Lucy Packer says
This reminds me of what Judge Judy says to folks who are not grasping what she is trying to tell them: “God gave you 2 ears and one mouth for a reason” Try listening more!
Ida Chiavaro says
I want to share this on my blog. I have a reputation for non stop chatting… my nickname was ‘hav’achat.’ I remember vividly the first moment I managed to stop the chatter in my own mind. Thanks for sharing this inspiring idea.
Ion Doaga says
What an interesting experiment.
Silence can be the greatest teacher to anyone. It is hard to imagine that staying silent you learn something. The majority of people think that information is where the big noise is.
I practiced meditation and I can state a fact that, staying silent for 30 minutes to 2 hours is difficult. Being silent is when you treat your mind. Is when you realize how well you can control your thoughts. Less thoughts in your mind means prioritizing the important ones.
Frances says
This is such a great experiment. I’ve heard of this before, but I think it would be difficult given my schedule. This post has reinvigorated my desire to try it!
Standa says
Great post and great challenge, Joshua. I will try it.
Sri says
I miss the weekend links. I really enjoy them and look forward to them every sunday.