Editor’s note: This is a guest post from Ally of AllisonFallon.com.
“When we recall Christmas past, we usually find that the simplest things – not the great occasions – give off the greatest glow of happiness.” —Bob Hope
I believe it is possible to do less, buy less, cook less, work less and even decorate less and still have a full, happy, satisfying, beautiful holiday season. But in order to get there, and stay there, we’re going to have to focus on a few changes of mindset.
Or, at least I am.
The other day my husband and I were driving to an event together and, out of nowhere, he asked, “Hey, do you realize we’ve never bought each other Christmas presents?”
Honestly, when he asked that question, my heart leapt a little. I knew it was true, but it sounded so harsh to say it outright like that. In fact, I found myself feeling a little embarrassed, thinking of a million excuses for why this was the case…
“We’ve only been married for two Christmases…”
“We’ve been trying to get out of debt…”
“The first Christmas we were together, we were busy planning a wedding…”
But just as I started to let my thoughts get away from me, my husband spoke up again. “Honestly, it doesn’t bother me if it doesn’t bother you.”
The truth is it doesn’t really bother me. But I find myself thinking it does. I find myself worrying what people will think, or what they’ll say if they find out. I find myself thinking about what others are doing for the holidays that I’m not doing; and feeling pressure to make my holiday season look and feel a certain way.
But our decision to forgo Christmas presents (which was mostly out of necessity at the time we made it) has actually opened space for us to have a lighter, simpler, more beautiful Christmas. I’m not against celebrating, or against buying presents. In fact, my husband and I may buy each other presents one day.
But I do believe the common maxim “less is more” applies to the holidays more than it does to just about anything else. And I think each of us will discover a more satisfying holiday if we’ll focus on the following changes in mindset.
1. Don’t get too stuck on “the way you’ve done it before.”
If you grew up in a family or neighborhood (like I did) that went all out for Christmas, maybe scaling back for your own holiday celebration makes you feel a little bit like I felt when my husband reminded me we have never bought each other presents—like a failure. Or, like you’re doing it wrong.
I have good news. There is no wrong way to do it!
Try not to get too stuck on the way you’ve always done it before. Instead, focus on the values you want to cultivate in your family or community or home this year, and experiment with creative ways to promote those values. Also, if you’re entering a new season of life (newly independent, newly married, have young children, or have a newly empty nest), what better time to start fresh with a brand new “way?”
If you’ve always been extravagant in the past, you don’t have to “live up” to that version of yourself, or to anyone else. Take a deep breath. You’re not a failure.
2. Focus on experiences over possessions.
One of the reasons my husband and I have never bought Christmas presents for each other is that we are always traveling for the holidays. We live far from all of our extended family, and in order to spend time with family (without breaking the bank) we have had to choose between plane tickets and Christmas presents.
We’ve agreed together that, when it comes buying habits, we will always (not just at Christmas) value experiences over possessions. Possessions are nice, but they rust, rot, get stolen and burn in fires. Experiences can’t be taken from us. They have eternal value.
Consider how you cultivate experiences this year, rather than just buying gifts which will likely end up in the Goodwill pile in a few months or years.
3. Do the best you can with what you have.
This is advice a mentor of mine once gave me about a totally different subject, but I think it applies here, as well. When I was getting ready to go on a date, she would advise me not to go buy brand new clothes, or to feel like I needed to lose 10 pounds before the date, but simply to, “Do the best you can with what you have.”
In other words: be the best version of yourself.
I would give really similar advice when it comes to Christmas. Do the best you can with what you have. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t buy presents, or that having a Christmas tree is a waste. It simply means don’t go into debt over presents or trees. It means decide what you’re going to spend on Christmas—and it doesn’t have to be extravagant—and then do the best you can with what you have.
4. Turn off the TV (or find other ways to avoid being swayed by advertisements).
You’d be surprised how influenced you are by advertisements. Suddenly you begin thinking that everyone has a better Christmas planned than you do. Everyone’s Christmas tree belongs in a department store, and everyone’s husband is buying them diamond earrings, and everyone else is buying their kids new computers.
That’s simply not true, no matter how convincing the ads make it look.
The other thing that’s not true is that families who have these things are automatically happier (like they are in the commercials) than your family, or other families who go without. Presents are nice. But they can’t make you happy.
If you want a truly happy holiday season, you’ll have to find ways to cultivate happiness from the inside.
What tips do you have for creating a lighter, more beautiful life?
***coming minimalist@gmail.com
Stefanie says
Yeah the xmas spirit and the adds and Hollywood xmas movies. This is getting to me too, every year. But since I just read this article I can over come that.
My husband and I don’t to xmas gifts for us, just for the kids. If we want something and have the money, we buy it year arround. Since we can have everything at anytime, there are no surprises under the tree.
This year we spend xmas eve with my family in Berlin, and they still do presents. But I do have a problem to just buy a present, for me I must see the purpose and if they really need it. Last year I told my family I don’t want any presents, only something they know I would like and can use. I was totaly at pease with myself. But I recieved 2 gifts, which I like and could use. But if I had got nothing, it would have totaly be fine.
I am not big with churches, but like to remind the other of the being together, rather than giving gifts.
In just 2 weeks the whole magic holiday thing will be already over and 2014 has begun.
Have a lovely time and greetings from Germany
nancy dimauro says
We have scaled way back on the presents. I used to agonize on what to buy. Now bake cookies and send them to my godparents cause I know they don’t get home baked cookies. I buy clothes for the grandkids (something in their age group with sparkles) cause I know they get tons of toys. I try to be practical but different, like aprons for my sister in laws and maybe a handmade ornament. Its less stress and more fulfilling to me, Hubby and I travel home for christmas and that is our agift to each other or we set a small limit (he always go over though LOL
nathalie brisebois says
Allison,
this is a great idea… my husband and I always forced each other to buy gifts so that we look like everyone… but we bought them together and pretended to be surprise… being minimalist, this is becoming ridiculous… we are actually thinking of spending 2014 without giving any material gifts to each other all year long… for not one occasion… no father’s or mother’s day…. no anniversaries… or wedding anniversaries… not for Christmas… nothing!!!!!
thanks for helping us out!!!!
love&peace,
nath
Brian Gardner says
“2. Focus on experiences over possessions.”
This is a huge one for me, mainly because I have a tendency to collect stuff that deep down, I really don’t need.
A couple of weeks ago I was in Colorado and was considering a trip to the REI store in downtown Denver. Thankfully laziness got the best of me, as I choose to sit by the fire in our hotel lobby with a cup of coffee and read a book.
Ironically, it was Packing Light.
Not only did I enjoy my time, I spent $5 (yes, Starbucks) rather than $200 on clothes I don’t need.
Debbie says
As a Denver resident I know how amazing that REI store is (sorry that doesn’t help really does it? – lol) and how easy it is to get caught up in the moment there! Congrats on resisting. Denver has so many other wonderful experiences to offer – including a wealth of fireplaces just perfect for relaxing with a book. Hopefully that $200 can be put toward a return visit and a chance to see more of Denver!
Ion Doaga says
There is always a time when you don’t know how to react when close ones ask uncomfortable questions like “why don’t we buy christmas presents to each other?”. There is a set of behavioral rules in society which say that this kind of behavior is expressing your love.
In your case the gift is the compromis you found both, to spend on flight tickets. And the gift in here are not the tickets, but thinking the same way.
Julia says
Every time I see a “Shop, Shop, Shop” holiday sign… I think of this movie scene: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QVgl1HOxpj8
Beebs says
My husband and I don’t buy each other Christmas presents either. We’re just not that into it. Instead, we go out for a nice meal at one of our favorite local restaurants a few days before all the family/holiday hullabaloo begins. It’s something we love to do together, and it’s much more meaningful to us. I don’t think that’s weird at all! :)
Michelle H. says
My husband and I do exchange gifts, but we try to make them things that are useful or very enjoyable. I usually get him a desk calendar for work from one of his favorite comic strips. He will get me something like a new a pair of scissors for my sewing. We will buy music or a board game to enjoy and share with our friends.
Sandy says
My husband and I like to get each other a few small things. But when he asked me if there was anything I wanted this year, and I just said a Barnes and Noble gift card and an afternoon to myself to browse books and read! I’m a stay-at-home mom of a 3 year old and I have another baby on the way, so time to myself is a precious gift!
Michelle says
Thank you for sharing this wonderful message.
I loved your post as well as all the great comments on this post.
Kika says
My husband and I have been married 19 years and have never (?) bought eachother Christmas gifts. We also don’t do gifts for other holidays (ex anniversaries, valentines…). Sometimes we agree together to spend $ on something we want or need and we prefer this b/c it means no wasted money or pressure to buy because someone, somewhere, decided that’s the way it should be. I enjoy filling stockings for our kiddos and for Christmas give them 3 gifts max, following a fairly small budget (though this year we offered cash instead to our 17 yr old so he could apply it where he wants). We don’t give gifts to other friends, family either. I like to give gifts here and there throughout the year, if someone is on my heart, or take a friend to lunch for their bday, but not feel like I am obliged to do so at a particular time of year. That sucks the joy out of it.
Allison Vesterfelt says
Kika — I’m glad we’re not alone in our lack of gift-giving to each other. We can go at least another 17 years and know we’re not crazy :)