It seems to me there are two forces that come together during the holiday season to influence our behavior around gift-giving (or better said: over gift-giving).
Those two powerful forces are 1) social pressure and 2) love.
The holiday season has become entirely over commercialized and you don’t need me to tell you that.
Now, there is nothing wrong or unusual about showing love by giving gifts.
But when 40% of us express an increase in stress during the holidays, 45% of us feel pressured to spend more money than we have, and almost 60% of us receive gifts we don’t want, the season has become over commercialized. Even worse, we are missing out on both the spirit and the joy of our year-end celebrations because of it.
On one hand, we feel social pressure from marketing campaigns and stores to purchase things for ourselves and others during this season. Every store proudly displays items for sale pressuring you to buy more and more at every turn. That is to be expected.
But there is another social pressure that pervades during this season—one that may not be displayed so boldly on billboards or store windows.
The subconscious pressure is this: Everybody is giving gifts AND everybody is talking about gifts! We talk about what we are giving, what we want, what we wish we could afford, and eventually, what we got.
Even during a doctor’s appointment last January, a doctor I had never met prior to the procedure, made small talk by asking “So what did you get for Christmas?”
The conversation comes up frequently for us as adults. But even more for our kids. I can remember every year, back in school after the Christmas break, the conversation among us kids was always centered on what we got for Christmas. But not just among the kids, even the teachers would ask.
And it doesn’t happen just at school. Take note every time this holiday season you hear someone (or yourself) ask a child about what gifts they want, or what they think they’re going to get, or “what did you get for Christmas” type conversations.
The social pressure—both loudly and quietly—to conform and make this holiday season primarily about giving gifts is a strong one.
To compound this social pressure, we love our kids and naturally want to make the holiday season magical and memorable for them. Most of us have fond memories that we cherish—and desperately desire for our kids to have the same.
Again, this is good. There is certainly nothing wrong with wanting our kids to love Christmas or whichever holiday you celebrate this season.
The problems arise when we allow these two conversations to converge and overlap.
When society (both consciously and subconsciously) begins measuring Christmas joy in the number of gifts under a tree, and we desperately want our kids to have fond memories of the holiday season, we conflate the two and end up buying more than we need.
We think the physical possessions are going to bring the joy and the memories. And if more gifts makes Christmas morning more fun and brings about better memories, then why would we stop? We don’t. There’s always just one more to add…
So how do we begin to overcome these pressures?
With an important reminder: Your neighbor is going to give more gifts this Christmas.
When we fall into the thinking that more is better (especially in reference to gift-giving), we fall into a cycle with no escape.
Because if we believe the lie that more stuff makes the holiday better for our kids, we will always buy more and more. We want our children to be able to list off all the things they got for Christmas to their friends at school and the adults that will inevitably ask them what they got for Christmas.
But if we’re measuring our child’s happiness in the number of gifts they receive, we’ll never succeed in our metric. There is always going to be somebody who got more.
Oh sure, there is one child in your town who will get the most toys, but that child is probably not yours. So how we measure joy and success during the holiday season for our kids needs to change.
And often times, the most important step in helping our children fully enjoy the holidays is to reject the over commercialization of the season.
Rather than taking time away from your child during this season to do more shopping, be more present.
Rather than adding stress and anxiety worrying that your child won’t get enough stuff this Christmas, be more calm and joyful.
Rather than spending your family into a financial hole this Christmas, provide more margin in your finances for the rest of the year.
Rather than opening your computer to order more things, get down on the floor to play or read a book.
Rather than defining joy in the number of gifts this year, find it in the reason for the season.
And rather than searching for memories on a department store shelf, make them within your four walls.
Social pressure to buy gifts will continue to surround us. But the path to providing a joyful season for your family is not found there. If it were, you’d never find it anyway.
Jan Valde says
(I did not read this article until today so am feeling good about my choice.)I work in a pediatrician’s office and at work yesterday saw many kids after the holiday. I purposely chose not to ask them their favorite gift but instead asked them what was their favorite part of Christmas. One young boy without hesitation answered “breakfast!” His mom proudly described the smorgasbord she had prepared. Mom was surprised by her son’s answer but that in itself was a gift to her! I made light conversation but gave the choice of what was important to the kids and it paid off for all!
Debbie says
We are not to add too or take away from the BIBLE, nowhere is it written in the BIBLE HIS birth date or Christ Mass being a time to pretend HIS birthday celebration, as Andrea stated your contempt and anger say’s much more about your character in your so called defense of a Pagan Ritual. Wishing you well Sibylle
Duke Draeger says
Great article. I appreciate the challenges as well as ideas on how to change some of societies norms. I’ve forwarded to my 4 children and their spouses and several friends. From the time our children were born we have given our children 3 gifts ( loosely models after the 3 gifts brought to Jesus from the Wiseman). We’re a little more challenges with staying with 3 for our 8 grandchildren. However, we set a dollar amount for them. We shop early to avoid the ‘stress’. The Christ-mas season is what we each make of it. It can be as Christ-centered (or not) as we each make it. Love is the way…
Maria says
Lovely article and so true. We fall prey to the same time and time again. The cycle must stop. We ARE slowly getting better though.
Thank you BM team.
Joanne Chen says
Happy Birthday! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and life with us.
Katrin Potticary says
Thank you Joshua! I have been reading your sobering messages for some time and really appreciate your perspective. Here is another interesting piece to the gift craziness. Dr. Gabor Mate -https://drgabormate.com – an MD who specializes on trauma and addiction has shared about his addiction of buying classical music. At times she bought music worth $8000 per week. He couldn’t stop. It almost cost him his career, family, everything. As with all our addictions it boils down to a sensation in the body. He discovered that he was addicted to the act of buying stuff. Clearly nobody can listen to that much music. We all have our addictions. It’s nice to hear voices (like yours Joshua) that help us see that with awareness and willingness to tolerate the sensations of withdrawal, we get an important power back: Choice. Happy holidays.
Judy says
When we were growing up, we were always taught about the three kings who brought Jesus frankincense, gold and myrrh. We exchanged gifts in honor/memory of that. It was a beautiful thing…
Laureen W. says
SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT! Tis the season!
Jesus, while here on earth went into the temple and threw out all those that were buying and selling and making profit in his father’s house! Matt 21:12&13
Now imagine what he must feel about today’s practices. Someone decided to celebrate his birthday on a day that’s not even his birthday, something he never instructed us to do.(google the origin of Christmas)
Not only that, everyone got presents on that day but not him and also the commercial system made billions off this day in the name of his so-called birthday. Also people were made to feel stressed, sad, lonely and depressed because they felt they were supposed to celebrate this day with their loved ones and some are no longer with them! The images of families on tv, social media and in stores create a false narrative of what people should be doing at this time. When in reality a lot of us are struggling, trying to make ends meet and care for our families. I don’t know about you but I wouldn’t want my name used in such a way and I know Jesus wouldn’t either!
Jesus is depicted as a helpless baby in a manger which detracts from people knowing who he really is, the Son of God, our powerful king and ruler in the heavens! Isaiah 9:6&7
As a footstep follower of Jesus Christ, (1Peter 2:21) which is what being a true Christian means, I certainly couldn’t imagine him being supportive of anything of this. In fact based on his actions while here on earth you might say he has righteous indignation over the misuse of his name and birthday! Think about it wouldn’t you be if this was done to you?
Sibylle says
Sounds blasphemous, but since you asked – there‘d be DOZENS of things done in my name I‘d be more upset about if I were Jesus than people giving gifts to their loved ones.
Celebrate/celebrate not the way you want to – but don‘t hate on other people for their way, that‘s all I‘m saying.
Laureen W. says
No hating here just expressing my thoughts as others do about what they believe and giving others something to think about.
Gift giving is something to be done year round and from the heart and not under compulsion which is something my family does whenever we can. Acts of love and kindness is not something to be commercialized. I never wanted to lie to my children about things like Santa or other things like these otherwise how would they believe me when I would teach them about Jesus. I’m not the judge of anyone but all of us have to account to God. 1Corinthians 5:10
andrea black says
WELL said, thank you.
andrea black says
Laureen, I fully support what you’re saying and think you said it beautifully.
Laureen W. says
Thank you Andrea Black, just trying to enlighten people because sometime we need to stop and think and ask ourselves, “ Why am I putting myself through this?”
One answer might be simply, “tradition”,
andrea black says
Thank you :) When we know better we DO better. I myself didn’t stop to really think about it until a couple years ago when I just got a very unsettled feeling about the whole thing. I did a little poking around about the traditions of Christmas and was mortified at what I found. It was hard to give up as I’d made it an idol myself, but when I prayed on it and got the answer that God doesn’t want us to mix something as the holy as the birth of the savior with cursed things, worldly things and things steeped in pagan practices. That was enough for me as I was done at that point :)
andrea black says
Josh, there IS something wrong with wanting your child to love Christmas. We’re supposed to love CHRIST, not a man-made holiday based on pagan practices. There IS a spirit of Christmas and it’s not always a good one.
Sibylle says
@Andrea – and Christ loved people, with all their faults. He celebrated with them when he had the chance. I wish you a graceful, peaceful December.
andrea black says
And you as well, Sibylle.
Wendy says
I have found that over the years I have acquired everything I basically need. With that in mind, I insist to all my friends and family that if they want to give me a gift, it should be a donation to any charity they like. I would rather pay things forward, instead of getting any more clutter in my home.
Wishing everyone a Blessed Christmas, and healthy, happy holiday season and Best wishes for the New Year!