I’ve often asked myself why we buy more than we need. I mean, when you really think about it, what would cause us to buy unnecessary things in the first place?
I think there are a number of reasons this is the case—some internally motived and some externally motivated. But one reason we should never overlook is our felt need for security.
Ask yourself, Am I buying too much stuff because deep down I think it will insulate me from the harms of a chancy world? And if so, what is that costing me?
In our society, too many of us believe security can be adequately found in the personal ownership of possessions. Of course there is a grain of truth in that belief. Certainly, food and water, clothing and shelter are essential for survival. But the list of possessions we truly need for life is quite short, and most of us already have these things.
The reality is, we have too quickly confused needs with wants and security with comfort. As a result, many of us collect large stockpiles of possessions in the name of security when we are actually accumulating comfort (or desired pleasure). We work long hours to purchase these things. And we construct bigger and bigger houses to store them.
We dream of a future that includes larger paychecks and sizable savings accounts. We plot and plan to acquire them because we think lasting security can be found there. If that costs us in other areas of life, such as our family and friendships, then that’s the way it goes. The cause of security seems so important that we can’t give up our pursuit of more.
One day I received an email that was gut wrenching to me. A woman wrote:
I’m a working mom of three young boys. I ran across your website while researching ways in which people have made a one-income household work for a family of five.
My husband and I have worked our tails off over the last fifteen years to advance in our careers. In doing so, we have accumulated a lot of material possessions. We didn’t start out materialistic, really. Over the years, though, we have engorged our lifestyle, including a large home and even a modest lake retreat.
Two weeks ago we overheard my eight-year-old son tell a friend, “Mommy and Daddy aren’t home a lot. We don’t see them very much.”
My husband and I stopped dead in our tracks. Our hearts broke. Is all of our stuff really worth it? Of course not.
We are trying to figure out the “how.” We are looking over our budget, trying to find a renter for our log cabin by the lake, and working to have my husband quit his job to be a stay-at-home dad. I am wondering if you have any pointers to help us along this path.
This woman and her husband felt that they needed to work. They felt that they needed more money and more things. They believed that their family wouldn’t be safe and secure and well provided for without the fruits of many long days on the job.
Until they realized that they were providing something very different from what their family really needed.
I can only get what i need because i have debt, so thats it for a while but before you feel sorry for me, my little flat is warm, cosy and clean and i have enough food, clothes and things, so if i learn this lesson well i be more than ok,
my mum never went without she always kept the home clean and it was more than ok, and yet she saved to give us a little money when she passed away,
i decided that she had the right idea and now chose wisely, spend wisely chose my time wisely, wisdom is a big thing
i have set boundaries in my life and thats how i want to continue on, we all do foolish things but its time for me to seriously wake up
love Jacqueline xxx
I don’t feel sorry for you Jacqueline. I don’t know how old you are, you sound wise to me.
If your flat is warm, you have food to eat & clothes to wear it seems like you’re sorted.
Sounds like your Mum was a wise woman too.
God bless you.
Angela
Wow – this is so spot-on with what I coach families on. Asking if your life really reflects the needs of your family…and if you even know what your family desires.
Here is an excerpt from a blog post I wrote a while back that is so in line with this – and this story of the Mexican Fisherman is so, so powerful:
An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked.
Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.
The Mexican replied, “only a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish? The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs. The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siestas with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine, and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”
The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually New York City, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “15 – 20 years.”
“But what then?” Asked the Mexican.
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions!”
“Millions – then what?”
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siestas with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
What else is there to say? Are you busting your butt for MORE when you can thrive with little?
What do you dream of?
If you did have all the money you needed, what would you dream of doing? Does your work give you any purpose beyond a paycheck? What lights you up?
I’ll tell you what it is for me.
I dream of hikes and bike rides with my husband and our girls.
I long for adventure and seeing new places.
I desire time with my family to be present as we all grow together.
I want laughter and joy in our home where we live with intention and know what we’re moving toward.
And my passion is to encourage, inspire and guide other families to find their purpose for money. Not to be a financial planner. Not to help them with their debt. But to remember the purpose of it all as we move back to the priority in their home.
I want to ignite the flame of love, joy and desire in couples.
I want to ease the fears, tension and stress over the weight parents choose to carry when it comes to raising their children, running a household, and bringing in an income.
I want to shine a light on how the uniqueness in each of us strengthens all of us.
My purpose for money is not to in accumulating financial wealth, but to find the riches all around me – through family, nature, and what I can offer others.
How much money do you truly need? What is that amount that will allow you to be like that Mexican fisherman, content in his beautiful world where he strolled with his wife and played guitar with his friends?
Don’t let your purpose for money be clouded by the quest for accumulation.
Thanks for yet another powerful post!
“I owe, I owe it’s off to work we go” A lot of people including myself work more than I would like because of bad choices such as accumulating debt. Debts that end up cluttering every inches of our home and consuming our time and our lives. Get out of debt, work less and spend more time on things that are fulfilling that you thoroughly enjoy! Enjoy the moment, we don’t know when our time is up! I just turned 55 years old, expecting to live maybe until 85, that only gives me 30 years to live if I’m lucky! One thing that keeps me grounded and keeps things in perspective is to realize our life is finite, there is an endpoint so what I do with my time now matters!
I usually buy things because of social motivation. Sometimes the advertisements are so effective that you can hardly ignore. But after purchasing, I too asked the same question as I hardly use those things.
Wonderful post as usual Joshua.
On a different subject, is the picture at the top of the article
St. Michaels Mount, Marazion?i thought it was, then wondered as perhaps you wouldn’t post a picture from so far away from where you live.
Hope you will tell us.
If it is St. michaels Mount, I have to tell you, it’s one of my favourite places.
For the last few years we have taken a holiday in that area. It’s really lovely, largely unspoilt, also for us only about an hour and a half drive away.
I`m thinking a lot about work/life balance today, because I`m a freelancer and often work late and my husband leaves home early, so we don`t see each other that much. But for me it`s (hopefully) not true that work gives us money to buy things. Over the last year I`ve invested a lot in myself – better food, trips, entertainment, new experiences. When I don`t have a lot in the end of the month I remind myself that the money was spent on our quality life, not on buying stuff. Thank you for focusing my attention on topics like that. I suppose we should track our expenditures all the time and reevaluate our expenses to focus on what makes us happier and better. Hope to learn more about this:)
I think it is nice to be able to have one parent home with children if possible, but parents needs to realize that things don’t always go according to plan – people divorce and die younger than expected. Simplifying and living within your means are important, but also being able to support a family in the event of tragedy is just as important.
As a single mom on welfare, working 3 days a week and studying from home I have a lot of anxiety about probably never being able to afford a home. I don’t even want a big home. The people I rent from would sell me this home if I could afford it. But I can’t. And probably never will. UNLESS I do go to work full time.
It’s great for couples that can share the financial responsibility and time with the kids but what about people like me?
I feel like I have to make a choice between working to get off welfare or my child.
Even if I went to full time at the job I have now I would probably still need assistance from the government to pay my basic bills because its a low income job. Hence why I decided to start studying.
Anyway, I guess you just see a lot of advice for families with two parents. But what about families with one.
No there isn’t much in the blogosphere for single families, but neither does one size fit all. Having a rewarding career & prioritising education are also valuable examples for your family.
As a single mom I have found minimising clothes, toys, decor etc have given me more time to be present. Likely you can access free financial advice for your situation from government or women’s organisations. Meanwhile, look at your leaks (phone, cable, take out?) & divert to savings to either debt or an emergency fund.
And, rather than lamenting or resenting the family time you don’t have, remember to savour the time you have…
Mel—you and your baby are so beautiful! It is very, very hard being a single mom, but hang in there…because life will truly get easier. Take all the love, support and assistance you can. If someone (who’s trusted) offers to babysit..let them. Accept the clothing that someone else’s baby has outgrown—etc. If you have faith—know that God is with you and your lil one. You are not in this alone…and that beautiful baby is His gift to you. Find a way to keep your cup filled as well so you can have the emotional and physical energy to care for your lil one with enthusiasm. Mel—just focus on the here and now and keep God entwined in every aspect of your life. One day when you least expect it— a miracle will happen. You will look back and know that the hardest struggle is behind you and life just got better! God bless you and your precious baby. Be well :)