I’ve often asked myself why we buy more than we need. I mean, when you really think about it, what would cause us to buy unnecessary things in the first place?
I think there are a number of reasons this is the case—some internally motived and some externally motivated. But one reason we should never overlook is our felt need for security.
Ask yourself, Am I buying too much stuff because deep down I think it will insulate me from the harms of a chancy world? And if so, what is that costing me?
In our society, too many of us believe security can be adequately found in the personal ownership of possessions. Of course there is a grain of truth in that belief. Certainly, food and water, clothing and shelter are essential for survival. But the list of possessions we truly need for life is quite short, and most of us already have these things.
The reality is, we have too quickly confused needs with wants and security with comfort. As a result, many of us collect large stockpiles of possessions in the name of security when we are actually accumulating comfort (or desired pleasure). We work long hours to purchase these things. And we construct bigger and bigger houses to store them.
We dream of a future that includes larger paychecks and sizable savings accounts. We plot and plan to acquire them because we think lasting security can be found there. If that costs us in other areas of life, such as our family and friendships, then that’s the way it goes. The cause of security seems so important that we can’t give up our pursuit of more.
One day I received an email that was gut wrenching to me. A woman wrote:
I’m a working mom of three young boys. I ran across your website while researching ways in which people have made a one-income household work for a family of five.
My husband and I have worked our tails off over the last fifteen years to advance in our careers. In doing so, we have accumulated a lot of material possessions. We didn’t start out materialistic, really. Over the years, though, we have engorged our lifestyle, including a large home and even a modest lake retreat.
Two weeks ago we overheard my eight-year-old son tell a friend, “Mommy and Daddy aren’t home a lot. We don’t see them very much.”
My husband and I stopped dead in our tracks. Our hearts broke. Is all of our stuff really worth it? Of course not.
We are trying to figure out the “how.” We are looking over our budget, trying to find a renter for our log cabin by the lake, and working to have my husband quit his job to be a stay-at-home dad. I am wondering if you have any pointers to help us along this path.
This woman and her husband felt that they needed to work. They felt that they needed more money and more things. They believed that their family wouldn’t be safe and secure and well provided for without the fruits of many long days on the job.
Until they realized that they were providing something very different from what their family really needed.
Jamie says
I had a “stop in my tracks” moment recently myself which started the ball rolling on cutting back my hours at work. My husband and I both worked full time and one day I overheard my 9 year old tell her friend “My mommy can’t. She works.”
I have no idea what this response was to – I didnt hear the question and was too crushed to even ask. There were very few scenarios I could come up with though that resulted in that response being a POSITIVE in her eyes. In the end, I was not around. I couldn’t because I wasn’t there. That’s all that statement boiled down to. She didn’t even feel the need to ask me, she just knew…
I asked to go part time shortly after that. Since we live in a high cost of living area to begin with, I couldn’t just walk away completely; we need at least a portion of my income for our NEEDS but we have easily cut out a lot of our WANTS. It was a long process of negotiating my time and pay but I’ve finally started my part time work and MY KIDS COULD NOT BE HAPPIER. That in and of itself is worth every penny pinched.
(And, surprisingly, even with the cut in income… I’m already seeing where we will INCREASE our savings – there really is something to be said about the “convenience” of dual incomes… and how much that “convenience” costs)
Colette says
To be honest, I would not mind to hear my kids say that… unless it means ‘mommy never can’. There’s no need to be available to our kids ALL THE TIME. Mommy cannot, daddy cannot, we inevitably have more responsibilities/work than spending time with our kids alone. Maybe your daughter just knew ‘mommy can’t on Mondays’, for example. Nothing wrong about that…
Jamie says
There is a big difference between being available to our kids ALL THE TIME… and being AVAILABLE to our kids.
For a full time working parent AVAILABLE time is usually reduced to 3-4 hours nightly, if that. That’s a far cry from being available ALL THE TIME. Wouldn’t it be nice if it was that Mommy isn’t available on Mondays… but in reality many working parents know that its quite the opposite… Mommy/Daddy isn’t available MOST days…
In the end, I’d much rather my children know that my available time is based off of my NEEDING to work rather than my WANTING to work. Then when my daughter says “My mommy can’t” she really knows that mommy can’t.
Colette says
I get your point. We shouldn’t be working all week just for more unneccessary stuff or because of society expectations. Yet the discussion here seems to praise staying home above work, but work can also be rewarding in other ways than money. Connection, using talents, contribution/service, just to name a few. I love my work (3days, husband 4days) and I wouldn’t want to communicate to my kids that work is nasty and just for money. I don’t think it should all be ‘either… or’… But in the Netherlands parttime jobs are more mainstream than in US, so I realise it’s not always about choice…
Ashley says
Its empowering to read this article as I rock my newborn to sleep. Her sister is sleeping in the other room and her brother will be home in about an hour. This is my first year as a stay at home mom. I left my teaching career after two years of figuring out a budget and paying off debts. I couldn’t be happier in my new role. There are some ups and downs navigating the expectations of being at home full time. I have babysat this year to bring in supplementary income. We are living a modest lifestyle and are making about half as much as we did in the past but we wouldn’t change it. Knowing that we are raising our children and seeing them more often has been a huge blessing. I hope that anyone who desires to stay at home with their children is able to. Staying home has been a huge blessing for our family.
Gregory Gagne says
My wife and I both work our tails off so that we can provide a nest-egg for our retirement via maximizing both of our 401k annual contribution limits and contributing as much as we can to our children’s 529 plans – we diverted all of the net savings by no longer having to pay for day care in to 529. We don’t spend lavishly on material items, other than my wife’s expensive (but quality) running apparel and my mountain bike equipment and apparel, which is still less than the ongoing expensive of 2 gym memberships that we don’t need given our hobbies; and we live in a modest 2800 square foot colonial home in a nice suburb.
My wife happens to be an excellent cook and prepares dinner almost every night for the entire family. Then we help our boys with their homework and then spend some quality time as a family before the kids go to bed. We cherish the time we have with our children and realize that day trips to the beach are just as much fun, if not more, then riding the jet skis at our in-laws lake house; and for that any many other reasons we would never buy a vacation home. Experiences are where it’s at – don’t waste money on possessions because you will only become slave to them!
Given our full-time work status for the both of us, my wife and I have chosen to out-source the cleaning and lawn mowing, which allows us to spend more quality time with our kids and dog.
I’m sure if you asked one of my boys if they see us enough, they would probably roll their eyes and say they see us too much!
My first piece of advice is that people need to do what works for them; but the family finances need to come first and then work from there. It goes without saying that material possessions are generally not good investments, but funding your retirement and kid’s college (if you have them) is the best path to a sound piece of mind. Strive to be the rich people that no one knows are wealthy. Pay yourself first and don’t sweat the small stuff. For example buying a new vs used car really doesn’t matter in the scheme of things depending how long you own the car, how much driving you do, etc. What matters most is that you’re spending a lot less than you are earning and investing the difference, preferably in index funds.
My advice is try not to be so extreme in your lifestyle changes and rather make a few “nip and tucks” as you go and over time you will see huge changes in your net worth and overall happiness.
Good luck!
Wisco says
Thanks for providing a “real world” perspective. Far too many of the Minimalist folks we read about speak in absolutes and talk about letting go of materialism, but never address the issues you raise about using your earnings to develop wealth to educate your kids or whatever else is important to you. That said, the trick is finding the tipping point where you are not consumed by money while realizing that simply saying “I will want less” is not by itself the solution.
Kristine says
Thank you for giving the breakdown of your financial plan. I appreciate it.
James says
How do you deal with the peer pressure your children face in school, at age 12 or 13, when they don’t have certain brand name clothing/shoes, etc?
joshua becker says
You can’t outspend envy or peer pressure.
James says
I agree 100% and I apologize for asking my question so poorly.
I was inquiring of the parents if this peer pressure has caused any of their young teens to rebel against the parents. If so, how did the parents deal with the family tensions?
An 8 year old may want the parent home and available, while a 13 year old wants to fit in with his/her peers. Most teens don’t realize what you and I have learned through life lessons; I.e., that you can’t outspend envy or peer pressure.
laura ann says
Fitting in w/peers: in late 50’s early 60’s it was the same, guys had to get leather “Fonz type” jackets, levi jeans, girls had to have matching sweater sets, certain style purses, so it goes. Those that didn’t were “squares” or not cool-cats.
CarrieW says
My advice is to figure out the lessons you want your kids to learn so that they can become the adults you hope them to be. From there, decide on a few rules to act as guidelines and then enforce them.
My kids are now late high school/college age/grad school, and we have been through the peer pressure years and have survived just fine. It wasn’t always easy, but it was absolutely worth it.
Sarah says
When I was in late elementary and middle school in the 90’s, I remember everyone else always seemed to have cooler, more expensive clothes than I. I even remember one girl making fun of my Target brand jeans once. My parents were teachers, so we just did not have the money to buy expensive designer (read: Guess or Girbaud) jeans, which were all the rage among 13-year-old girls at the time. My mom gave me a set amount of money for school clothes, and if we wanted something more expensive, we could use our own money to make up the difference. I purchased a pair of red Guess jeans for $60 (remember this is probably 25 years ago), and I ended up returning them because I didn’t want to spend all that. Then I got to high school and things like labels didn’t seem to matter so much anymore. And I am SO glad my parents taught me this money lesson, and how your clothing brands DO NOT MATTER. It’s a hard lesson in middle school, but it will eventually sink in.
Latha says
I love all your articles.
I was moved to tears with this one.
I am extremely grateful for minimalism.
We were mostly minimalists while in America.
When we moved back to India, it was difficult.
Very difficult.
Family and friends were very very upset we were simple.
It was upsetting and shocking for me, though my husband took it well.
I suddenly had to make the house presentable so that they would come visit.
They measured our success by our possesions…i let that get to me.
But then i fell sick.
I was bedridden for a year. I resented coming back. The people and it was one of the reasons of my breakdown.
By age 30 I had both hips replaced, and still even while bedridden i worked as a virtual assistant.
I did odd jobs till last year. As a digital marketing manager, as a VA and took freelance projects.
My son said mom i like it when you dont work.
I thought iwas mostly home so it might be okay with him.
(Last year i was in a position to go into office 2 times a week)
I quit and have never looked back.
Then minimalism happened.
I found your article in my early days of minimalism search…
I immediately started decluttering and asking myself what i really value.
I connected with God, kids and husband more.
God kept his promise to me. While in the depths of despair i had a thought come to me…i will give you back the years the locusts have eaten.
I was not a christian.
I had never read that before.
Now 10 years later he has given us more than we can ever expect.
I feel minimalism is a true blessing and your blog as well.
Kristine says
I pray your health has improved.
DVB says
I am a 70+ senior who grew up with a father who felt the only way he could show how much he loved his family was to take them places and buy them things. I would have given up all of the things to have had much more of my father in my life, but he was usually too busy at work. I never understood then, but I’m sad now for the missed opportunities. I tried that with my own children when they were younger (after marrying a man with much the same characteristics as my father) and have since gone away from “stuff” to memory making experiences. Recently moved from a 4 bedroom home to a small (900 square foot) apartment. And I continue to simplify.
Linda says
So so true!
M. Smith says
In his closing remarks Josh writes “they” multiple times,
“they needed”, “they realized” , “they believed”.
You got this intimate information from a email josh ?? or are you pontificating your ideology? the internet is a funny thing, i guess now it emits emotions.
Elaine says
What a lovely winter day here on the east coast of Canada. Truly feels more like spring. Just finishing my morning tea and enjoying reading this article and especially all of the interesting comments. It is heartwarming to see that each of us places attention to the present moment focusing on family, friends and community. And less importance on the accumulation of material items that aren’t necessity. Very nice to feel a connection to such a like minded group of people. Blessings on your day.
Roxanne Henke says
I had, what most people would consider a “privileged” upbringing. If my parents had allowed it, I could have had most anything I wanted. (I’m talking small-town North Dakota…not New York Rockefeller’s).
The difference was two-fold: My parents grew up in the Depression and came from dirt-poor families. They knew what it took to “earn” our privilege. They taught me that there is responsibility that goes along with “having-much”…it is: giving much. Both in time and money.
And, my dad was diagnosed with cancer at age 44. So, most of my growing-up years were spent the the specter of death looming. (He died at 54. I was 17.) I learned at a very young age, that life is short so you’d better live it well. My Dad taught me to do that. Money can make life easier…but it can’t buy happiness, or true friends, or love, or life.
I find the most joy and fulfillment in my family and friends. In sharing what I have…time, a listening ear, hospitality. And, in my faith. Luke 12:48 Great gifts mean great responsibilities; greater gifts, greater responsibilities!
joshua becker says
Welcome North Dakota! I went to Middle School and High School in Wahpeton.