“My kids have too much stuff.”
It is a complaint I have heard from parents countless times. And it’s certainly not a complaint entirely unwarranted.
The statistics would seem to back up the argument:
- British research found that the average 10-year-old owns 238 toys but plays with just 12 daily (The Telegraph).
- 3.1% of the world’s children live in America, but they own 40% of the toys consumed globally (UCLA).
- In the United States, we spend $371 per child annually on toys. In the UK, the dollar amount is closer to $450 (World Atlas).
So I get it, our kids have stuff. Probably too much. But I think, as parents, we too often put the blame for this reality on the wrong person.
Our kids do have lots of toys and clothes and video games and crafts. But let’s remember, they aren’t the ones with the steady paychecks and they didn’t organize their last birthday party.
If there are too many toys in your playroom, you put them there—or, at the very least, you allowed them to stay.
Even worse, often times, our kids are simply following our lead. When the average American home contains 300,000 items, how upset can we really get that our kids own 238 toys? And when 33% of us can’t fit both cars in our double-garages, how unreasonable is it to assume our child will fill their art and craft drawer to overflowing?
In a society that encourages consumerism at every turn, what else should we expect? Our children are only following our lead.
But this is not just a societal issue, it’s a personal one as well.
I sometimes wonder what the three most common words are in American homes. Is it “I love you?” Or, is it…
- “It’s on sale!”
- “I want that!”
- “Watch this ad.”
- Or “Let’s go shopping!”
Haven’t we all witnessed (and/or experienced) the parent who gets upset with their child at the store?
A weary mother or father pushes their child around a store while the boy or girl almost obligatorily reaches for items on the shelves—asking, and then demanding, this or that.
After repeated answers of “No,” the frustration begins to grow. Finally, the parent puts their foot down in the situation. And the child responds with their own expression of frustration and anger. It’s certainly not a rare occurrence.
A wise parent once told me, “It’s a good sign to see a child throwing a fit in a store. Usually it means the parent is being the responsible one and not just giving in to every desire of the child.” And I agree, boundaries are helpful for children.
In fact, children who do not learn boundaries become adults who do not define them.
But I would like to argue today, that as parents, maybe we are getting mad at the wrong person. Rather than pointing out the unbecoming nature of our child’s behavior, maybe we should start looking at the fingers pointing back at us.
Almost certainly, our child did not drive to Target on their own. Our kids are in the store because we took them there—usually because we wanted (or “needed”) to buy something for ourselves or our family. And this is what you do in a store, isn’t it? You grab things off the shelf, you put them in your cart, and then you take them home.
No wonder our kids ask us to buy them stuff at the store… they’ve seen us buy things for ourselves a thousand times before.
Granted, there are legitimate reasons to go shopping. I’m not arguing against all consumption.
But we ought to remember that our children are watching us closely. Whether we like it or not, they are soaking up values from us as parents about how to live, how to work, how to achieve significance… and how to spend money. And if we are constantly desiring things we don’t need, why would we expect anything else from our kids?
Maybe we should stop getting mad at them for wanting things at Target… and start questioning if we really needed to be there in the first place.
Jennifer @ Path to Simple says
Leading by example is so important. I also think it is valuable to share the “why” with children so they understand the thought process behind the actions. When we do purchase things, “why” are we purchasing them? When they ask for something and we say no, “why” are we saying no? We can help children begin to examine the reasons behind purchases and evaluate whether or not something is needed. And whether or not it is worth the time, money, and effort it will require to purchase and maintain that item. Hopefully, these will become critical thinking and questioning skills children can apply to their own lives and their own purchases once they are in control of their own money.
Nathalie says
My mum had a great way of dealing with this. When we went to a store my sister and I where always allowed to chose. Fruit, vegetables, meat, fish, anything… we where allowed to pick anything. But when we got to the ail of the sweets and the toys she woud just say ‘ you already had a lot. Remember all the things you could chose’ . So we where allowed to chose a meal each, for that weak. And we never asked for anything else. After a few times children know that it doesn’t work to get mad or throw a fit in the store.
Maria says
I think that is a great idea allowing children to select items to make a meal on a weekly basis. I never did things like that with my children but other parents can use this idea to their advantage.
Dan Erickson says
I actual remove my child from the store with nothing if she starts asking for stuff. When she was younger, I’d even abandon grocery shopping when she displayed that kind of behavior.
Still, like most kids, she has more than she needs. Sure, when she was little I organized the parties and am partially to blame. I stopped doing that when she turned 8. Now we have small intimate parties with only her closest friends. I’ve limited Christmas gifts to only a few well-thought items.
She still gets loads of stuff from others. Her mother gets her most anything she wants within her budget. That means way too much candy. Her grandparents give her gifts. Friendly neighbors give her money on almost every holiday. Her unofficial godparents buy and hand-me-down so many clothes that I rarely have to buy her any. That’s a blessing, even if a little over the top.
I could ask people not to do these things. (I have with the candy, but it doesn’t help. Her mother still brings her loads of candy.) I feel that being gracious and grateful includes accepting the gifts that others give. So life goes on. We do our best to thin out her stuff every few months. I’m not going to fight it. It does no good. My hope is that she learns from how I live with a fairly minimal amount of belongings and in the future she might adapt similar values. It’s the best I can do.
A Person says
@Dan Erickson
People insist on giving us way too much for our children also. I don’t need a baby swing, bassinet, play gym, cradle, crib, pack and play, and stroller set! They have like a 4×4 footprint each! So that stuff we just accept gratefully if they won’t accept no as an answer, or have already purchased it, but then we give it to charity. Eek. I feel bad.
But the worst part is the clothes and toys. I’m trying to teach my toddler that stuff isn’t as important as experience, and that is hard to do when everytime we go anywhere with family, they bring or buy her a gift.
I’ve decided, and maybe this can work to your advantage as well, to take this as an opportunity to teach her not to get attached to things, to learn to let go. We’ve begun dividing toys by two, one to keep, one to give to charity. She is starting to feel good about passing things along to others who “don’t have toys.” Good luck.
Maria says
She is so lucky to receive so much perhaps you can teach her to share with the less fortunate if she has extra things maybe you can take her to some of the community centers in your area and have her share her things with others.
Devah T says
We stopped the begging at the store by giving our kids a very small allowance. We no longer bought anything on our shopping trips because they had to spend their own money.
Annie says
Very smart! My parents did this too and it took a few shopping trips to sink in, but it worked. We became careful shoppers as adults.
Alison @ Tickling the Wheat says
I don’t even give my kids an allowance. When we’re in the store, I just tell them how much an item costs and ask how they’re going to pay for it.
Marianne says
There’s a VERY practical book about this exact topic. It takes incredible intentionality to fight the culture that tries to have our kids find their identity in the stuff they own and the clothes they wear: The Gift of Enough: Raising Grateful Kids in a Culture of Excess
Marissa says
“Let’s go shopping!” xDDD That’s funny! That three letter sentence is something everyone can relate to!
I remember when I was a child and I cried and threw a fit in the store for a candy bar. It seems silly now thinking back to the way I acted, but I didn’t know any better at the time or any other times I threw a fit like that. What I would have changed in the situation if I was my mother, instead of saying just no and not let me have the candy bar, I would have explained why in detail for a child to understand why I couldn’t have it. Like, instead of buying any ol’ thing any time I wanted something, I would explain that with the money that we would be spending on a candy bar, that would be money taken out of our vacation money or some other kind of savings for something fun our family would be doing with it. I learned this advice from another parent on the internet and I thought it was an excellent way to teach children about money. But against a crying child? Well, if you are good parent, you’ll get through to your children somehow! ^ o^
Ironically, I almost never buy anything at Target unless it is pants or shorts. Don’t much care for their shirts. If I were going to teach my future children to want at a certain store, it would be Costco! Much better company that pays their workers a living wage and a lot of fun stuff in there! But I would teach my kids not to go crazy buying stuff in there though and the power of a good budget. ;D
Dayna says
I agree wholeheartedly! My children were never rewarded with “things” so theyou didn’t expect to get something at the store. I believe we are seeing the entitlement generation growing up before our eyes. I’ve been very deliberate in raising my children to feel better about earning something than having it given to you.
Jill Foley says
This is good and so true!
I’ve started ONLY buying things that are on my list and using that as an example to my girls. If we see something we want and it’s not on the list, it has to stay until next time (even if it’s something we truly need). It can be inconvenient, but they have not yet come home and made a list of their own.
joshua becker says
That’s a great idea Jill. I love it!
Mary Fullmer says
I am 85 years old with 5 children with 2 retirement age. Many years to look back on to evaluate my mistakes and maybe a few successes, wouldn’t you say. My oldest son received a dime from his grandmother when he was 4 years old and promptly put it in a parking meter as it was burning a hole in his pocket. The next glimmer of what was ahead for him was when he would go with his father to buy tools. Oh, men do love tools, you know. He is the only one of my 5 children who thought he could work hard enough to pay his bills. What should we have done differently.
Cindy Little says
Absolutely positively true!
Grandparent now but that was definitively our two sons and ALL their friends when they were children. We were right in the thick of that!
Over abundance of everything, although didn’t behave like spoiled brats, they were, but also were very thankful.
Few years back boys much older and married now and we all talk about this very same issue. We as parents have changed and our children thank goodness do not feel kids must have all they want. Even though their parents can well afford, it’s not necessary.
So just sharing the truth and grateful our sons are providing in a much more healthier way!
They did learn that from us though!?. We the parents who are downsizing and seeing all that is so not important ~ STUFF! Yes we are decluttering and are following your FB post on becoming minimalists daily! It’ll take some time, after all , ROME wasn’t built overnite as they say!
Your FB page is great! Thank you for sharing all your wisdom!?
Rosanna says
I love the title! You know, my kids are pretty good most of the time because they know that they don’t just get everything they want, but they are terrible in thrift stores. Sometimes, I go because I am looking pants/jeans for my kids. These three kids keep me hopping trying to keep them in pants without holes. The problem is, they are always with me and the youngest two, especially, always ask for something. I have a hard time saying no because it’s cheap. Honestly, though, I don’t want more stuff in my house. You are so right, though, it isn’t there fault. Obviously, we’ve created the pattern by allowing it…
Cayleigh Stickler says
I found a way to break that thrift store cycle for us. I have one 2 (almost 3) year old and an infant. My two year old wants every car in sight. I used to give in too because, in the grand scheme what’s $2? (Answer: More toys he doesn’t need because he already has eleventy-billion cars.) What we do now is that he can pick out one book (because I can never limit reading) and he can play with the toys there, but they’re for all the kids to play with. I tell him, in 2 year old words, that the toys are communal and must stay in the store. He’s been handing off the toys to other kids when we leave, much to the bewilderment of the children and parents, but it works for us. He has off days, like any other kid though.
Sonja says
Great idea. Now, do you have any ideas for me to stop my husband from buying them? He seriously has eleventy trillion cars also. In fact, we have a room full of cases of cars and a garage stacked with then too. If he dies, im selling them and buying me a new real car!
Amy says
Oh goodness I’m with you on this! It’s hard when they see a great toy that’s like 90% cheaper in the thrift store! It is hard to say no but I’m really trying to work on it!