“My kids have too much stuff.”
It is a complaint I have heard from parents countless times. And it’s certainly not a complaint entirely unwarranted.
The statistics would seem to back up the argument:
- British research found that the average 10-year-old owns 238 toys but plays with just 12 daily (The Telegraph).
- 3.1% of the world’s children live in America, but they own 40% of the toys consumed globally (UCLA).
- In the United States, we spend $371 per child annually on toys. In the UK, the dollar amount is closer to $450 (World Atlas).
So I get it, our kids have stuff. Probably too much. But I think, as parents, we too often put the blame for this reality on the wrong person.
Our kids do have lots of toys and clothes and video games and crafts. But let’s remember, they aren’t the ones with the steady paychecks and they didn’t organize their last birthday party.
If there are too many toys in your playroom, you put them there—or, at the very least, you allowed them to stay.
Even worse, often times, our kids are simply following our lead. When the average American home contains 300,000 items, how upset can we really get that our kids own 238 toys? And when 33% of us can’t fit both cars in our double-garages, how unreasonable is it to assume our child will fill their art and craft drawer to overflowing?
In a society that encourages consumerism at every turn, what else should we expect? Our children are only following our lead.
But this is not just a societal issue, it’s a personal one as well.
I sometimes wonder what the three most common words are in American homes. Is it “I love you?” Or, is it…
- “It’s on sale!”
- “I want that!”
- “Watch this ad.”
- Or “Let’s go shopping!”
Haven’t we all witnessed (and/or experienced) the parent who gets upset with their child at the store?
A weary mother or father pushes their child around a store while the boy or girl almost obligatorily reaches for items on the shelves—asking, and then demanding, this or that.
After repeated answers of “No,” the frustration begins to grow. Finally, the parent puts their foot down in the situation. And the child responds with their own expression of frustration and anger. It’s certainly not a rare occurrence.
A wise parent once told me, “It’s a good sign to see a child throwing a fit in a store. Usually it means the parent is being the responsible one and not just giving in to every desire of the child.” And I agree, boundaries are helpful for children.
In fact, children who do not learn boundaries become adults who do not define them.
But I would like to argue today, that as parents, maybe we are getting mad at the wrong person. Rather than pointing out the unbecoming nature of our child’s behavior, maybe we should start looking at the fingers pointing back at us.
Almost certainly, our child did not drive to Target on their own. Our kids are in the store because we took them there—usually because we wanted (or “needed”) to buy something for ourselves or our family. And this is what you do in a store, isn’t it? You grab things off the shelf, you put them in your cart, and then you take them home.
No wonder our kids ask us to buy them stuff at the store… they’ve seen us buy things for ourselves a thousand times before.
Granted, there are legitimate reasons to go shopping. I’m not arguing against all consumption.
But we ought to remember that our children are watching us closely. Whether we like it or not, they are soaking up values from us as parents about how to live, how to work, how to achieve significance… and how to spend money. And if we are constantly desiring things we don’t need, why would we expect anything else from our kids?
Maybe we should stop getting mad at them for wanting things at Target… and start questioning if we really needed to be there in the first place.
100% agree that our kids model our own behavior. While our 3 year old knows she won’t always get something when we go out, this article made me reflect on the fact that when we usually take her to Wal-mart or grocery shopping.
I wonder if she misunderstands and observes that my husband/I always buy something (even if it’s communal food for the family) and thinks the rules are mommy/daddy can get stuff but *she* can’t.
While visiting the store less would help reduce temptations of everyone making unnecessary purchases, I also think it’s worthwhile to take children shopping and leave a store having purchased nothing (which I often do, but not with my daughter in tow), and explaining why nothing was purchased (not the right size/quality/etc.).
I think this models restraint and encourages being thoughtful about our purchases vs. mindless consumption or settling for a purchase because it’s there/on sale/impulse.
Hi Joshua,
I really enjoy reading this. Today, I was a little thrown off by several mentions of Target which made me wonder if they were a sponsor. I raised my daughters with minimal manufactured toys, maybe one hour of TV a week and no video games. What few toys or games they had were carefully gleaned grom places such as GoodWill or shared by older kids. They built their own treehouse, , had a sandbox, water, a garden, things to draw and paint with. and time with us together. At six, my youngest, told me her friend was spoiled. When I asked what she meant by spoiled she said..”oh, that’s when your parents give you things instead of love.” Now, in their thirties, they still come up with memorable comments, but then, neither they, nor their children, can be found in the cell phone posture. Keep the great thoughts coming, Joshua.
At Christmas time when I was a kid, my brother and I got our fair share of presents. But we were lucky in how our parents encouraged us to go about opening them. We would take turns unwrapping presents. After each present, we’d unbox the present and play with it for quite a while before moving on to the next present. The whole process of opening presents took hours.
I always kind of took that for granted that that’s what everybody did. But it’s not. I’ve since seen so many families where everybody tears through every gift as fast as they can, and they all end up disappointed at the end. Before they even are able to appreciate one gift, they’re already moving onto the next.
I must share this—as it weighs heavily on me. I am a cashier, and it doesn’t happen too often, but from time to time I see a parent completely lose it with their child—and it’s very disturbing. I recently saw a dad grab his daughter (maybe 4 yrs old) by her chest grabbing on to her coat and SCREAMING at her. It was like something you’d see in a bar fight…the look of fear on this child’s face will haunt me forever. I believe in the power of prayer—and I ask all of you here to please pray for this little girl :( :( :(
From the way he talked to her…mocking her and such—it was an ongoing situation this poor little girl has to live with :(
Judy, I’ll pray for this little girl AND her dad. My own dad was wonderful, and my son-in-law is a loving, marvelous dad. So sorry that not every child has that.
Thank you. I have prayed for the dad too.
I was shaking and almost threw up. I almost passed out—it was that bad. I can only imagine how that little girl felt.
I find out that unless he “leaves a mark” there is nothing we could do. But trust me…I’m sure her chest was red from his brutal grip :( :( :(
That afternoon, I texted my son-in-law and randomly thanked him for being such a good daddy.
Yes Judy, I will pray for that little girl.
That has made me feel sad. My own Dad was such a wonderful man.
Best wishes,
Angela
Thank you.
YUP!! Good article. I went to Wal*Mart the other day and honestly spent 2 hours wandering, but only spent $12 on “fun stuff” for the daycare I run. $30 was spent on cat liter (we have 3 fur-babies) & the rest of the $75 was spent on personal care items–shampoo, razors,etc–and some fresh fruit. Must admit shopping for anything, anywhere is NOT my idea of fun but looking at items in a store is! Window shopping & making decisions of need vs want are good brain exercises! ;-)
I totally agree with this but I have one word for you: GRANDPARENTS. We see my parents and my in-laws each about twice a week. 99% of the time they have some kind of gift for our children. We have told them countless times to please not do this, but they all insist that it’s their right as a grandparent. They weren’t able to buy my husband and I things when we were younger so they want to buy things for their grandchildren. It can be so frustrating!
You are blessed! :)
My parents are awful about this! My husband’s parents never buy my kids anything except a few toys to keep at their house, but my mother, who runs a daycare and has a house full of toys, can’t seem to take my daughter to a store without leaving with whatever item my daughter (20 months) spotted and decided she liked. When she’s with me, we talk about the item and what she likes and then move on. Buying it is never an option. She never complains or asks for it later, even though she has a memory like an elephant. I get frustrated by all the things my mom buys her. She says the same thing: she’s a grandparent, she gets to break the rules my husband and I set. :-/
Perhaps after the grandparents leave you can talk with your kids about where to store the new items. They can store it where an another item currently is and that item can now be donated to a child in need. It worked with my niece.
Agh! Yes! My Sister-in-law’s father has bought my daughter (3 years) a bike, a scooter, and a tricycle; all in one year! Her grandparents bought her TWO doll mansions complete with furniture within two months. Dude, we don’t even have a garage!!!!! For all of these vehicles!
So frustrating.
Since becoming a parent, I’ve started using subscription services from places like Target & Amazon for basic household items. This prevents trips to the store, overspending, and impulse purchases. I started doing this to save time, but it’s also saved us lots of money and extra stuff entering our home.
I try to avoid bringing my daughter to stores like Target all together. I bring her to our small grocery store where they pretty much only sell food. I see it very difficult for young children to resist temptation. Even when I see something that it’s on sale and that I really think I should get, I don’t buy it when I’m with her. I tell myself I’ll come back later. That also stops me from impulsive purchases. If it really is a good deal I may take the work of going back to the store.
I love this post!! I use the list method and I allow my child to look at the toys and play with a few in the store, but he understands that he can’t take a new one home every time. And while he probably still has too many toys, we work very hard during holidays/birthdays to keep what’s coming in the home to a minimum.
I had an eye-opening experience at the checkout counter the other day – I paid for my groceries in cash, and my son was confused. “Why are you paying for things with MONEY instead of plastic?” Whoops…obviously I need to do a better job of showing him that I AM using money – that my husband and I worked hard for – to pay for groceries. The concept of a debit card is a little too abstract for a six year old – but he understands what it means to use up the money in his wallet!
I am so happy that my spouse and I are sort of agreeing on buying habits. He is the spender in out family, but after some serious talk and him standing next to me while I clean/declutter our daughters wardrobe and seen me declutter the whole apartment – at Least he saw the bags of junk, he nowdays limit himself.
We never buy stuff because of the (for me nonexisting) thrill of buying. Our daughter have carefuly selected toys, books. Never watch tv. Outdoor activites and experiences like traveling 6 month in southamerica is her cup of tea. She loves traveling, cooking food and usully beggs for taking her bicycle out. 2,5 yr of age!
We dont avoid stores, but there is no need for buying.
a great experience for her was to choose a present for her cousin (same age), and make her understand it is a gift. After wrapping the gift and all, she went home and started making gifts for the dolls and me. I guess because she also understod that giving someone a gift was like receiving one?
You as a parent shape your childrens behavior.
Greetings from Sweden!
Grown @&% adults cannot say no to themselves, they sure cannot say no to their kids….
Case in point, girl talking about her fathers purchase of new truck, or latest appliance, or shopping trip.
At my house i keep trying to lead by example. Driving car that’s been paid off for four plus years and had my car fixed instead of totalled when i hit deer. 220k miles on it and still runs JUST FINE. Tell my kids that cheapest car u can have is a laid off car.
Leading by example is upward battle….lets face it, when u r a teenage girl, It is alot more fun to be in a house where new shiny bigger is the motto. Cars get traded in faster than most people go thru shoes…
Keep telling her that she needs to save money for fun things in the future, but gets spent at mall as fast as she makes it. I won’t buy her anymore unless it’s a second hand store AND on clearance. And besides snack money for going to a school ball game, I won’t give her spending money unless she does extra chores.
Might sound tuff, but she has to know that money dies grow on trees.
And it’s not just the spending, its trying yo teach to be happy and satisfied with what u have, not always looking for next material possessions to bring u fleeting happiness.
I am a frugal mom of five. My oldest is about to graduate debt free from college! I have a few tips that worked for our family. Do the least amount of shopping possible and try to shop without the kids. When they are old enough to ask for something say, “Yes, of course! You can put that on your Christmas list!” and then 99% of that is forgotten. And when they are old enough for allowance it’s, “Yes, of course! Did you bring your wallet?”
Exactly! Allowances, even at age 4, are a great lesson to curb wants. I’m not a fan of Christmas lists too close to Christmas though! Christmas is a whole different scenario. I think my child enjoyed saving up for something big. He still remembers that he proudly bought the Star Wars Ewok Village with his own money (and recently sold it on Ebay for mega bucks to someone in Finland!) As far as the temper tantrums? He would get hauled out of the store/restaurant/where ever. No need to make everyone suffer the noise and bad behavior!
Love this! You can definitely see your an experienced mum.
Love this!
There is absolutely no better way to say that the kids have a lot of stuff is because of the parents. They aren’t setting strong and strict enough rules. Now is the best time to minimize our stuff. What aren’t we using? What aren’t we wearing? These things can be donated to charity.
Growing up, my parents made sure I understand that there are people in the world that do not have what I had. They never bought stuff for me without reason. If they bought me something on a random day, that will be my birthday or Christmas present. I would not get anything else. I know it sounds a bit harsh but because of their rules I learned to not over buy and want unnecessary stuff. I used to hate this rule but now I am able to understand why.
girl C
https://fromgirlc.wordpress.com/
Parents, we have seen the enemy, and the enemy is us!
Great post, Joshua.
Leading by example is so important. I also think it is valuable to share the “why” with children so they understand the thought process behind the actions. When we do purchase things, “why” are we purchasing them? When they ask for something and we say no, “why” are we saying no? We can help children begin to examine the reasons behind purchases and evaluate whether or not something is needed. And whether or not it is worth the time, money, and effort it will require to purchase and maintain that item. Hopefully, these will become critical thinking and questioning skills children can apply to their own lives and their own purchases once they are in control of their own money.
My mum had a great way of dealing with this. When we went to a store my sister and I where always allowed to chose. Fruit, vegetables, meat, fish, anything… we where allowed to pick anything. But when we got to the ail of the sweets and the toys she woud just say ‘ you already had a lot. Remember all the things you could chose’ . So we where allowed to chose a meal each, for that weak. And we never asked for anything else. After a few times children know that it doesn’t work to get mad or throw a fit in the store.
I think that is a great idea allowing children to select items to make a meal on a weekly basis. I never did things like that with my children but other parents can use this idea to their advantage.
I actual remove my child from the store with nothing if she starts asking for stuff. When she was younger, I’d even abandon grocery shopping when she displayed that kind of behavior.
Still, like most kids, she has more than she needs. Sure, when she was little I organized the parties and am partially to blame. I stopped doing that when she turned 8. Now we have small intimate parties with only her closest friends. I’ve limited Christmas gifts to only a few well-thought items.
She still gets loads of stuff from others. Her mother gets her most anything she wants within her budget. That means way too much candy. Her grandparents give her gifts. Friendly neighbors give her money on almost every holiday. Her unofficial godparents buy and hand-me-down so many clothes that I rarely have to buy her any. That’s a blessing, even if a little over the top.
I could ask people not to do these things. (I have with the candy, but it doesn’t help. Her mother still brings her loads of candy.) I feel that being gracious and grateful includes accepting the gifts that others give. So life goes on. We do our best to thin out her stuff every few months. I’m not going to fight it. It does no good. My hope is that she learns from how I live with a fairly minimal amount of belongings and in the future she might adapt similar values. It’s the best I can do.
@Dan Erickson
People insist on giving us way too much for our children also. I don’t need a baby swing, bassinet, play gym, cradle, crib, pack and play, and stroller set! They have like a 4×4 footprint each! So that stuff we just accept gratefully if they won’t accept no as an answer, or have already purchased it, but then we give it to charity. Eek. I feel bad.
But the worst part is the clothes and toys. I’m trying to teach my toddler that stuff isn’t as important as experience, and that is hard to do when everytime we go anywhere with family, they bring or buy her a gift.
I’ve decided, and maybe this can work to your advantage as well, to take this as an opportunity to teach her not to get attached to things, to learn to let go. We’ve begun dividing toys by two, one to keep, one to give to charity. She is starting to feel good about passing things along to others who “don’t have toys.” Good luck.
She is so lucky to receive so much perhaps you can teach her to share with the less fortunate if she has extra things maybe you can take her to some of the community centers in your area and have her share her things with others.
We stopped the begging at the store by giving our kids a very small allowance. We no longer bought anything on our shopping trips because they had to spend their own money.
Very smart! My parents did this too and it took a few shopping trips to sink in, but it worked. We became careful shoppers as adults.
I don’t even give my kids an allowance. When we’re in the store, I just tell them how much an item costs and ask how they’re going to pay for it.
There’s a VERY practical book about this exact topic. It takes incredible intentionality to fight the culture that tries to have our kids find their identity in the stuff they own and the clothes they wear: The Gift of Enough: Raising Grateful Kids in a Culture of Excess
“Let’s go shopping!” xDDD That’s funny! That three letter sentence is something everyone can relate to!
I remember when I was a child and I cried and threw a fit in the store for a candy bar. It seems silly now thinking back to the way I acted, but I didn’t know any better at the time or any other times I threw a fit like that. What I would have changed in the situation if I was my mother, instead of saying just no and not let me have the candy bar, I would have explained why in detail for a child to understand why I couldn’t have it. Like, instead of buying any ol’ thing any time I wanted something, I would explain that with the money that we would be spending on a candy bar, that would be money taken out of our vacation money or some other kind of savings for something fun our family would be doing with it. I learned this advice from another parent on the internet and I thought it was an excellent way to teach children about money. But against a crying child? Well, if you are good parent, you’ll get through to your children somehow! ^ o^
Ironically, I almost never buy anything at Target unless it is pants or shorts. Don’t much care for their shirts. If I were going to teach my future children to want at a certain store, it would be Costco! Much better company that pays their workers a living wage and a lot of fun stuff in there! But I would teach my kids not to go crazy buying stuff in there though and the power of a good budget. ;D
I agree wholeheartedly! My children were never rewarded with “things” so theyou didn’t expect to get something at the store. I believe we are seeing the entitlement generation growing up before our eyes. I’ve been very deliberate in raising my children to feel better about earning something than having it given to you.
This is good and so true!
I’ve started ONLY buying things that are on my list and using that as an example to my girls. If we see something we want and it’s not on the list, it has to stay until next time (even if it’s something we truly need). It can be inconvenient, but they have not yet come home and made a list of their own.
That’s a great idea Jill. I love it!
I am 85 years old with 5 children with 2 retirement age. Many years to look back on to evaluate my mistakes and maybe a few successes, wouldn’t you say. My oldest son received a dime from his grandmother when he was 4 years old and promptly put it in a parking meter as it was burning a hole in his pocket. The next glimmer of what was ahead for him was when he would go with his father to buy tools. Oh, men do love tools, you know. He is the only one of my 5 children who thought he could work hard enough to pay his bills. What should we have done differently.
Absolutely positively true!
Grandparent now but that was definitively our two sons and ALL their friends when they were children. We were right in the thick of that!
Over abundance of everything, although didn’t behave like spoiled brats, they were, but also were very thankful.
Few years back boys much older and married now and we all talk about this very same issue. We as parents have changed and our children thank goodness do not feel kids must have all they want. Even though their parents can well afford, it’s not necessary.
So just sharing the truth and grateful our sons are providing in a much more healthier way!
They did learn that from us though!?. We the parents who are downsizing and seeing all that is so not important ~ STUFF! Yes we are decluttering and are following your FB post on becoming minimalists daily! It’ll take some time, after all , ROME wasn’t built overnite as they say!
Your FB page is great! Thank you for sharing all your wisdom!?
I love the title! You know, my kids are pretty good most of the time because they know that they don’t just get everything they want, but they are terrible in thrift stores. Sometimes, I go because I am looking pants/jeans for my kids. These three kids keep me hopping trying to keep them in pants without holes. The problem is, they are always with me and the youngest two, especially, always ask for something. I have a hard time saying no because it’s cheap. Honestly, though, I don’t want more stuff in my house. You are so right, though, it isn’t there fault. Obviously, we’ve created the pattern by allowing it…
I found a way to break that thrift store cycle for us. I have one 2 (almost 3) year old and an infant. My two year old wants every car in sight. I used to give in too because, in the grand scheme what’s $2? (Answer: More toys he doesn’t need because he already has eleventy-billion cars.) What we do now is that he can pick out one book (because I can never limit reading) and he can play with the toys there, but they’re for all the kids to play with. I tell him, in 2 year old words, that the toys are communal and must stay in the store. He’s been handing off the toys to other kids when we leave, much to the bewilderment of the children and parents, but it works for us. He has off days, like any other kid though.
Great idea. Now, do you have any ideas for me to stop my husband from buying them? He seriously has eleventy trillion cars also. In fact, we have a room full of cases of cars and a garage stacked with then too. If he dies, im selling them and buying me a new real car!
Oh goodness I’m with you on this! It’s hard when they see a great toy that’s like 90% cheaper in the thrift store! It is hard to say no but I’m really trying to work on it!