“My kids have too much stuff.”
It is a complaint I have heard from parents countless times. And it’s certainly not a complaint entirely unwarranted.
The statistics would seem to back up the argument:
- British research found that the average 10-year-old owns 238 toys but plays with just 12 daily (The Telegraph).
- 3.1% of the world’s children live in America, but they own 40% of the toys consumed globally (UCLA).
- In the United States, we spend $371 per child annually on toys. In the UK, the dollar amount is closer to $450 (World Atlas).
So I get it, our kids have stuff. Probably too much. But I think, as parents, we too often put the blame for this reality on the wrong person.
Our kids do have lots of toys and clothes and video games and crafts. But let’s remember, they aren’t the ones with the steady paychecks and they didn’t organize their last birthday party.
If there are too many toys in your playroom, you put them there—or, at the very least, you allowed them to stay.
Even worse, often times, our kids are simply following our lead. When the average American home contains 300,000 items, how upset can we really get that our kids own 238 toys? And when 33% of us can’t fit both cars in our double-garages, how unreasonable is it to assume our child will fill their art and craft drawer to overflowing?
In a society that encourages consumerism at every turn, what else should we expect? Our children are only following our lead.
But this is not just a societal issue, it’s a personal one as well.
I sometimes wonder what the three most common words are in American homes. Is it “I love you?” Or, is it…
- “It’s on sale!”
- “I want that!”
- “Watch this ad.”
- Or “Let’s go shopping!”
Haven’t we all witnessed (and/or experienced) the parent who gets upset with their child at the store?
A weary mother or father pushes their child around a store while the boy or girl almost obligatorily reaches for items on the shelves—asking, and then demanding, this or that.
After repeated answers of “No,” the frustration begins to grow. Finally, the parent puts their foot down in the situation. And the child responds with their own expression of frustration and anger. It’s certainly not a rare occurrence.
A wise parent once told me, “It’s a good sign to see a child throwing a fit in a store. Usually it means the parent is being the responsible one and not just giving in to every desire of the child.” And I agree, boundaries are helpful for children.
In fact, children who do not learn boundaries become adults who do not define them.
But I would like to argue today, that as parents, maybe we are getting mad at the wrong person. Rather than pointing out the unbecoming nature of our child’s behavior, maybe we should start looking at the fingers pointing back at us.
Almost certainly, our child did not drive to Target on their own. Our kids are in the store because we took them there—usually because we wanted (or “needed”) to buy something for ourselves or our family. And this is what you do in a store, isn’t it? You grab things off the shelf, you put them in your cart, and then you take them home.
No wonder our kids ask us to buy them stuff at the store… they’ve seen us buy things for ourselves a thousand times before.
Granted, there are legitimate reasons to go shopping. I’m not arguing against all consumption.
But we ought to remember that our children are watching us closely. Whether we like it or not, they are soaking up values from us as parents about how to live, how to work, how to achieve significance… and how to spend money. And if we are constantly desiring things we don’t need, why would we expect anything else from our kids?
Maybe we should stop getting mad at them for wanting things at Target… and start questioning if we really needed to be there in the first place.
Although I can see this article does have some basis in truth, it is not true for all. I have children – one who asks for stuff everyday (and I never take shopping with me). The other never asks for things. The one who asks sees things online, and is also obsessed with gaming – he also has special needs. And he never asks for anything small. Everyday our computer isn’t good enough, he wants a new console, or wants a new game. I have to say no, we really don’t have the money. My computer is 5 years old, we bought it when the other one died beyond repair, our printer is about a year old – again only replacing one that had become unusable.
He doesn’t come shopping as he can’t handle it. Yes he has probably seen me buy stuff online an odd time or two. But none of our family are big shoppers.
So although there are take aways in this article it is not true for all families or all kids.
What are we teaching our children about shopping? Is a thought provoking question. And one I probably do need to address with my kids.
My son is two. What works for us is: We let him admire toys in the store. We let him play with toys in the store. When it’s time to leave, we tell him that those toys have to stay in the store. He sometimes asks, “Can we take it home with us?” and we say, “No.” Does he sometimes throw a fit? Yes. When he does, we sympathize with him. It’s frustrating to not be able to do everything you would like. But we try to bring him back around to the notion that he had a nice time playing with that toy in the store, and he also has nice toys at home to play with, and even better, a big park down the street.
Avoiding the fit isn’t the point of parenting. Working through the fit to learn about life is the point.
Yes! I occasionally take my older child into the big box store with me when I need to pick up a few things but before we go in, I make a point of telling her, “We are only going in for X, Y and Z today.” If she starts to ask for toys, etc, I tell her that is not what we came for today and it’s not on my (usually pretty short) list. And I remind her that we have enough already at home.
I’ve just discovered your blog and I am so happy more and more people are talking about living with less and being equally content.
Thanks for this article too. I haven’t got kids of my own but I wonder how I would teach youngsters to be minimalist in this day and age.
When mine were in school I did my shopping at that time and if I had to take them, they knew if they had a fit in the store they would not be allowed to go next time, which usually meant no going to eat or getting an ice cream or something. I have grandkids now and when I did go they are usually told that if they are good they will get a treat. That might be a small toy, a sucker or go to McDonald’s. If they start to get upset about something, they are reminded, no treat!
Thank you for this post. It was extremely useful to me read about “it is a good sign to see a kid throw a fit…” and about kids needing boundaries. I tell my 3 old son that if he throws a fit he won’t get his way and I stick to my word. But now a days it seems to me that I’ve been judge by the other people at the store for not giving him what he wants. That is consumerism.
I was at Target this past weekend and while I was in the checkout line, I suddenly heard a kid screaming in the lane next to me. The parents were speaking a language I couldn’t understand but it looked like the mom had taken a toy away from the kid and was telling the dad that they shouldn’t buy the toy and the dad (who probably felt embarrassed that his kid was causing such a scene) was telling the mom to just let the kid have the toy. After going back in forth for a few minutes, they ended up giving the toy to the kid and the kid stopped screaming. It reminded me of this post so I thought I’d share!
Hey Josh, loved this post. I love the idea of my wife and I having a limited number of toys for our kid. What would your response be to the statement that having more toys and more diverse toys aids in a child’s development. That seems to contradict the philosophy of having less to experience more, but would love to hear your thoughts.
Look forward to your response,
Drew
My daughter and I would go to a craft store about once a year. One of her daughters started making things at a very early age. It was understood that she could pick out one thing at the store. She would go through the store looking at things, say “I like this. Maybe next time (knowing that next time might be a year away) I’ll get it. Finally after looking through the entire store she would have two or three things that she chose from. No demands for more since she thought in terms of “maybe next time”.
Very insightful post, Joshua.
This is a great reminder. Generally I avoid shops unless I really do need something. But recently I have started explaining properly to the kids about what we are going into the shop to buy and then walking directly to that spot and buying only that. The other day I had to go in to buy a large plastic tub to store my cloth nappies, as my littlest has just toilet trained and I’m not *quite* sure of we are done having babies. We went in, bought it and left, then stored the nappies immediately so they saw what we bough being used for what it was intended. No “extras” no detours, no temptations indulged for any of us. I find this is helping my boys very much. They go in with an expectation and it seems to make it easier.
Isn’t Target the one with the homophobic CEOs? Why would people knowingly shop there and support reactionaries. I’ve only been in the Metreon Target one time with a friend. The odor of plastic outgassing was unbearable.
My children are age 7 and 4 and we never had any problems in any store, just because we have not ever bought them toys outside Christmas or birthday. When we go on holiday trip the can have some money to buy one toy each, and it’s a big event for them to choose something for themselves. If they sometimes ask to have something I just say it’s not birthday now and that’s the end of it, there were never any complaints. But when shopping groceries they can choose what kind of bread to have, what yogurt flavor and so on. On Friday we buy candy, and in case they would ask for it on another day the answer will be it’s not Friday, and that’s the end of that.
That’s pretty cool!!! :) :) :)
I really enjoyed this article. I got me thinking about something my daughter said around the holidays. We were watching tv and a commercial came on and it asked, “Do you know what the best gift is?” To my surprise my daughter blurted out, “CREDIT CARD!” I couldn’t believe it. But it just hit me…my daughter (6 yrs old) has no concept of Mommy and Daddy’s money. She doesn’t know that we’re using a debit card and that daddy worked his tail off to get it. All she ever sees (and understands as a 6yr old) is that her parents put things they need/want in a shopping cart, swipe this “magic” card, and then take it all home. I need to make a conscious effort to use real dollars…paper money so that she can see it being spent. Debit card are a convenience, but they really do detach and desensitize a person (both the big and the small) to the concept of a hard earned dollar.
I definitely agree with this but at the same time, if you buy your child a toy every time they go to the store, they begin to expect it. For us, shopping is mostly for groceries, toiletries, and the occasional clothing item. My toddler son never “wants” or “demands” toys because he knows that I’m the one to say if we buy something or not. I pretty much stick to business while shopping (AKA a List!) and we don’t go in the toy aisle unless I’ve planned to let him pick something. And on the rare occasion that we buy him a toy, he gets to pick only 1 and has to decide which one it’ll be. Today he got a Matchbox car that cost $1. Most times I give him books or snacks and sometimes toys.
All so true, unfortunately! Today’s consumer driven lifestye is such a shameful waste, especially when there are so many going without simple necessities in this world! We have become minimalists too and have recently unloadd almost everything we own. We are moving into a new lifestyle and do not plan to reaquire all that stuff!
It’s so liberating to be free!
Better still, only visit stores when the kids are at school. Either parent can go, armed with a list of needs (not wants). Buy the stuff n go home. If the kids grow up without visiting stores and the dreaded malls, they are less likely to becone obsessed with acquiring stuff as a recreational pursuit. Also, open bank accounts for each child. Deposit cash for their birthdays and give them a choice as to whether or not they want to see their money grow or spend it on something they may not appreciate later. I have done this with both my daughters, since they were born. They are both avid savers and they never buy something unless they really need it and yet they are teenagers ! They prefer to spend their money on travelling abroad but are quick to build up their savings again by working during their holidays. Teach kids how to save because no one needs to be taught how to spend. It’s in their best interests after all.
We were very fortunate when raising our children, 1) because we lived 21 miles from a small town and only shopped once a month, 2) I never went in a store unless I actually needed something from that store, so none of us were tempted by impulse buys, 3) we gave up television very early on and the kids were unaware of all the new toys, cereals, etc, 4) the very first time any one of them pulled a ‘buy me’ fit, we left the store and went to the car for a time out.
When my younger boys were 3 and 5 we went grocery shopping with a neighbor lady and her two little ones because she didn’t have a car and needed a ride. All through the store you could hear her two crying for candy, cookies, toys, soda pop, and her yelling no no no at the same time she loaded what they begged for into the cart. After we dropped them off at their house the conversation in the backseat of the car went like this: Son 1, “well that was embarrassing!” Son 2, “Boy, we’d be in trouble if we tried that!” Mom, ” yes, you would, and I’m so glad you are better behaved than that.”
We regularly talk to our kids about why we don’t compulsively go shopping and buy stuff other than what we truly need. But instead of making it seem like deprivation, we focus on how living simply helps us fulfill our values as a family and allow us to do other fun stuff like travel and experience new things. It’s easiest to start this mentality when kids are little, but it’s so important at any age. I made a pact with myself with my oldest was a toddler that I would NEVER impulse buy my kids anything at a store. They know now that I still won’t, and when they do (rarely) ask, I tell them no. Birthdays and Christmas still hold meaning to them because they are the few times a year that they receive something special and wanted. However, we still keep those days simple and focused on their true meanings.
It’s such a beautiful journey to see your own children grow up outside the consumer culture and express desire for experiences over things. And living simply with kids is truly easiest when it’s part of your family mission statement and lived out intentionally, every day.
My kids didn’t know that Target had toy aisles until very recently. They only found out when I took them with me to buy gifts for another child…lol.
I shop with a list. I started doing it because I forgot things all the time, then kept it up because it keeps ME from impulse buying. I make lists for everything – clothes, makeup, etc and talk about how we only buy what we need and use what we have until it breaks/doesn’t fit.
My kids started making their own scribble lists to carry around the store. So far it’s working pretty well!
Excellent article, well written and very true!
I hope this doesn’t make me seem like some sort of a goody, goody. I was far from that.
As a child (born 1954) we would be in our town to get the groceries, Mum would very occasionally ask if I would like a little something.
I always replied ‘no thank you’. One day another Mum was complaining to my Mum that kids are always whining for stuff. My Mum told her how I never wanted anything. I can still see the look on that woman’s face as she scrutinised me.
I’m still much the same.
Great post.
Angela
I wonder if your mother’s question was very wise. It gave you a powerful choice – and you chose no! Often, that is all children want – the opportunity to make a choice.
I agree that parents are to blame for issues like this. However, I take exception to the unscientific statistic quoted that the average household has 300,000 items. From what I can research that was a number quoted by Professional Organizer Regina Lark in a LA Times article from 2014. There was no scientific data to back it up, it’s her personal experience and a guesstimate.
“Consider these statistics cited by professional organizer Regina Lark: The average U.S. household has 300,000 things, from paper clips to ironing boards. U.S. children make up 3.7% of children on the planet but have 47% of all toys and children’s books.”
http://articles.latimes.com/2014/mar/21/health/la-he-keeping-stuff-20140322
Absolutely we’re mad at the wrong person! We teach our children at every turn about commercialism and consumerism.
But what parents need to start realizing is that they desire to give their children EVERYTHING they ask for is usually fueled by guilt. I wrote about this very issue in a recent post but here’s the most important part of it.
“]=We are a society of parents filled with guilt. The guilt you have because you have to go to work every day. Guilt you’re leaving your child in daycare or with a babysitter. Guilt you’re getting a divorce and breaking up the family. Guilt you’re not spending enough time with your child. Guilt you can’t be a school chaperone because you have to work. Guilt you tossed their artwork. Guilt you don’t make cookies every day after school.
Guilt, that your child, is a latchkey kid.
The guilt list is endless because it’s born of our insecurities, our lack of confidence, and our needs instead of the needs of our child. Guilt motivates us to do things, which if we stopped and reflected on what was going on at the moment, we would make a different choice. Instead, we allow our guilt to spawn our shopping frenzy’s so we don’t feel so bad, and our kids don’t feel so deprived. But your child does not need an endless amount of toys. Your child needs you.”
As always a great post.
Thank you for your response. I am a stay at home mom and spend most of the time with my 3 year old son both at home and outside of home kids experiences. Now society has come to a point that I’m being judge because my kid doesn’t go to daycare/preschool trying to make me feel guilty about spending too much time with him.
Fantastic article! My boys have now asked to see our shopping list and make I am sticking to it! If I’m not and we linger in the store my 11 yr old son will inform me that he’s getting “store sick” and that we must leave immediately.
I like your son’s mentality, Angela. If only all kids are that way, parents won’t have to go bankrupt trying to pease or quail a child’s tantrum. But I still strongly believe that if only parents could only learn to muster the power of NO! things will get better.
Angela, I love it! “Store sick!” And having your child hold you accountable for sticking to the list — that’s great. Thanks for sharing.