“My kids have too much stuff.”
It is a complaint I have heard from parents countless times. And it’s certainly not a complaint entirely unwarranted.
The statistics would seem to back up the argument:
- British research found that the average 10-year-old owns 238 toys but plays with just 12 daily (The Telegraph).
- 3.1% of the world’s children live in America, but they own 40% of the toys consumed globally (UCLA).
- In the United States, we spend $371 per child annually on toys. In the UK, the dollar amount is closer to $450 (World Atlas).
So I get it, our kids have stuff. Probably too much. But I think, as parents, we too often put the blame for this reality on the wrong person.
Our kids do have lots of toys and clothes and video games and crafts. But let’s remember, they aren’t the ones with the steady paychecks and they didn’t organize their last birthday party.
If there are too many toys in your playroom, you put them there—or, at the very least, you allowed them to stay.
Even worse, often times, our kids are simply following our lead. When the average American home contains 300,000 items, how upset can we really get that our kids own 238 toys? And when 33% of us can’t fit both cars in our double-garages, how unreasonable is it to assume our child will fill their art and craft drawer to overflowing?
In a society that encourages consumerism at every turn, what else should we expect? Our children are only following our lead.
But this is not just a societal issue, it’s a personal one as well.
I sometimes wonder what the three most common words are in American homes. Is it “I love you?” Or, is it…
- “It’s on sale!”
- “I want that!”
- “Watch this ad.”
- Or “Let’s go shopping!”
Haven’t we all witnessed (and/or experienced) the parent who gets upset with their child at the store?
A weary mother or father pushes their child around a store while the boy or girl almost obligatorily reaches for items on the shelves—asking, and then demanding, this or that.
After repeated answers of “No,” the frustration begins to grow. Finally, the parent puts their foot down in the situation. And the child responds with their own expression of frustration and anger. It’s certainly not a rare occurrence.
A wise parent once told me, “It’s a good sign to see a child throwing a fit in a store. Usually it means the parent is being the responsible one and not just giving in to every desire of the child.” And I agree, boundaries are helpful for children.
In fact, children who do not learn boundaries become adults who do not define them.
But I would like to argue today, that as parents, maybe we are getting mad at the wrong person. Rather than pointing out the unbecoming nature of our child’s behavior, maybe we should start looking at the fingers pointing back at us.
Almost certainly, our child did not drive to Target on their own. Our kids are in the store because we took them there—usually because we wanted (or “needed”) to buy something for ourselves or our family. And this is what you do in a store, isn’t it? You grab things off the shelf, you put them in your cart, and then you take them home.
No wonder our kids ask us to buy them stuff at the store… they’ve seen us buy things for ourselves a thousand times before.
Granted, there are legitimate reasons to go shopping. I’m not arguing against all consumption.
But we ought to remember that our children are watching us closely. Whether we like it or not, they are soaking up values from us as parents about how to live, how to work, how to achieve significance… and how to spend money. And if we are constantly desiring things we don’t need, why would we expect anything else from our kids?
Maybe we should stop getting mad at them for wanting things at Target… and start questioning if we really needed to be there in the first place.
Stephanie says
I totally agree with this but I have one word for you: GRANDPARENTS. We see my parents and my in-laws each about twice a week. 99% of the time they have some kind of gift for our children. We have told them countless times to please not do this, but they all insist that it’s their right as a grandparent. They weren’t able to buy my husband and I things when we were younger so they want to buy things for their grandchildren. It can be so frustrating!
Judy says
You are blessed! :)
Rochelle says
My parents are awful about this! My husband’s parents never buy my kids anything except a few toys to keep at their house, but my mother, who runs a daycare and has a house full of toys, can’t seem to take my daughter to a store without leaving with whatever item my daughter (20 months) spotted and decided she liked. When she’s with me, we talk about the item and what she likes and then move on. Buying it is never an option. She never complains or asks for it later, even though she has a memory like an elephant. I get frustrated by all the things my mom buys her. She says the same thing: she’s a grandparent, she gets to break the rules my husband and I set. :-/
Annie says
Perhaps after the grandparents leave you can talk with your kids about where to store the new items. They can store it where an another item currently is and that item can now be donated to a child in need. It worked with my niece.
A Person says
Agh! Yes! My Sister-in-law’s father has bought my daughter (3 years) a bike, a scooter, and a tricycle; all in one year! Her grandparents bought her TWO doll mansions complete with furniture within two months. Dude, we don’t even have a garage!!!!! For all of these vehicles!
So frustrating.
Kalie @ Pretend to Be Poor says
Since becoming a parent, I’ve started using subscription services from places like Target & Amazon for basic household items. This prevents trips to the store, overspending, and impulse purchases. I started doing this to save time, but it’s also saved us lots of money and extra stuff entering our home.
Leticia says
I try to avoid bringing my daughter to stores like Target all together. I bring her to our small grocery store where they pretty much only sell food. I see it very difficult for young children to resist temptation. Even when I see something that it’s on sale and that I really think I should get, I don’t buy it when I’m with her. I tell myself I’ll come back later. That also stops me from impulsive purchases. If it really is a good deal I may take the work of going back to the store.
Lauren says
I love this post!! I use the list method and I allow my child to look at the toys and play with a few in the store, but he understands that he can’t take a new one home every time. And while he probably still has too many toys, we work very hard during holidays/birthdays to keep what’s coming in the home to a minimum.
jshark says
I had an eye-opening experience at the checkout counter the other day – I paid for my groceries in cash, and my son was confused. “Why are you paying for things with MONEY instead of plastic?” Whoops…obviously I need to do a better job of showing him that I AM using money – that my husband and I worked hard for – to pay for groceries. The concept of a debit card is a little too abstract for a six year old – but he understands what it means to use up the money in his wallet!
Malin says
I am so happy that my spouse and I are sort of agreeing on buying habits. He is the spender in out family, but after some serious talk and him standing next to me while I clean/declutter our daughters wardrobe and seen me declutter the whole apartment – at Least he saw the bags of junk, he nowdays limit himself.
We never buy stuff because of the (for me nonexisting) thrill of buying. Our daughter have carefuly selected toys, books. Never watch tv. Outdoor activites and experiences like traveling 6 month in southamerica is her cup of tea. She loves traveling, cooking food and usully beggs for taking her bicycle out. 2,5 yr of age!
We dont avoid stores, but there is no need for buying.
a great experience for her was to choose a present for her cousin (same age), and make her understand it is a gift. After wrapping the gift and all, she went home and started making gifts for the dolls and me. I guess because she also understod that giving someone a gift was like receiving one?
You as a parent shape your childrens behavior.
Greetings from Sweden!
ren says
Grown @&% adults cannot say no to themselves, they sure cannot say no to their kids….
Case in point, girl talking about her fathers purchase of new truck, or latest appliance, or shopping trip.
At my house i keep trying to lead by example. Driving car that’s been paid off for four plus years and had my car fixed instead of totalled when i hit deer. 220k miles on it and still runs JUST FINE. Tell my kids that cheapest car u can have is a laid off car.
Leading by example is upward battle….lets face it, when u r a teenage girl, It is alot more fun to be in a house where new shiny bigger is the motto. Cars get traded in faster than most people go thru shoes…
Keep telling her that she needs to save money for fun things in the future, but gets spent at mall as fast as she makes it. I won’t buy her anymore unless it’s a second hand store AND on clearance. And besides snack money for going to a school ball game, I won’t give her spending money unless she does extra chores.
Might sound tuff, but she has to know that money dies grow on trees.
And it’s not just the spending, its trying yo teach to be happy and satisfied with what u have, not always looking for next material possessions to bring u fleeting happiness.
Chris says
I am a frugal mom of five. My oldest is about to graduate debt free from college! I have a few tips that worked for our family. Do the least amount of shopping possible and try to shop without the kids. When they are old enough to ask for something say, “Yes, of course! You can put that on your Christmas list!” and then 99% of that is forgotten. And when they are old enough for allowance it’s, “Yes, of course! Did you bring your wallet?”
Lori in Prescott says
Exactly! Allowances, even at age 4, are a great lesson to curb wants. I’m not a fan of Christmas lists too close to Christmas though! Christmas is a whole different scenario. I think my child enjoyed saving up for something big. He still remembers that he proudly bought the Star Wars Ewok Village with his own money (and recently sold it on Ebay for mega bucks to someone in Finland!) As far as the temper tantrums? He would get hauled out of the store/restaurant/where ever. No need to make everyone suffer the noise and bad behavior!
Liana says
Love this! You can definitely see your an experienced mum.
Liana says
Love this!
girl C says
There is absolutely no better way to say that the kids have a lot of stuff is because of the parents. They aren’t setting strong and strict enough rules. Now is the best time to minimize our stuff. What aren’t we using? What aren’t we wearing? These things can be donated to charity.
Growing up, my parents made sure I understand that there are people in the world that do not have what I had. They never bought stuff for me without reason. If they bought me something on a random day, that will be my birthday or Christmas present. I would not get anything else. I know it sounds a bit harsh but because of their rules I learned to not over buy and want unnecessary stuff. I used to hate this rule but now I am able to understand why.
girl C
https://fromgirlc.wordpress.com/
John P. Weiss says
Parents, we have seen the enemy, and the enemy is us!
Great post, Joshua.