“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” —Mahatma Gandhi
A simplified life is light, easy, and free. It is a life that has thoughtfully and intentionally removed many of the things that weigh us down.
On the outside, this can be accomplished by removing many of the material possessions that demand our attention.
But what about on the inside? Many of us carry in our hearts a heavy burden of past hurts from others. Because we live our lives in relationship with other people, we are bound to be wronged by somebody along the way. And sometimes these hurts can be very deep and heavy when they come from someone close.
Carrying the weight of these burdens can result in a life of resentment and bitterness. Simply put, our lives get trapped in the past. And as a result, many become depressed or anxious.
The path to removing this internal weight is to experience the life-freeing power of forgiveness. Learning to forgive others releases burden and brings freedom back to our heart. It results in less stress, less hostility, lower blood pressure, and reduced symptoms of depression. It provides the opportunity to live a simplified life on the outside and the inside.
To experience the life-giving nature of forgiveness, try putting into practice these six steps each time you are hurt by another person.
1. Admit that you have needed forgiveness in the past. We all make mistakes. We’ve all hurt other people in the past. One of the key steps in being able to practice the power of forgiveness is to realize that you have needed forgiveness at some point in your life too. When we are able to humbly admit that we have needed forgiveness from another, we are in a better position to offer forgiveness to someone who has hurt us.
2. Understand what forgiveness is not. You were wronged. Don’t minimize the offense by pretending it didn’t happen. Granted, if you were hurt accidentally, you only need to show patience. But if you were hurt intentionally, you’ll need to accept that fact and show forgiveness.
3. Realize the difference between forgiveness and trust. One of the most misunderstood aspects of forgiveness is when it is confused with trust. Depending on the nature of the offense, your ability to trust has been deeply compromised. Forgiving somebody does not mean that you need to restore that relationship without changes. Remember that forgiveness can be instant, but trust must be built over a period of time. Realize the difference. While offering forgiveness brings freedom, being wise about trust can protect your heart in the future.
4. Give up your right to get even. Too many people live life keeping score. They keep a mental list of people who have wronged them in the past and live their life looking for opportunities to get even. Forgiveness provides the opportunity to erase the list and to release your heart from the burden of revenge.
5. Choose to respond with kindness. Anyone can respond to evil with evil. But only the strong can respond with good. Kindness breaks the cycle. It can bring freedom to your soul and release your life from the never-ending, downward cycle of responding to evil with evil.
6. Repeat the process as needed. As long as you live your life in relationship with others, you are going to be wronged. Accept the fact that nobody is perfect and be prepared to repeat the process above as needed.
If you are harboring resentment towards another human being because of past hurts, choose to forgive and move on. The harm was their fault. But allowing it to weigh down your life today is yours. Free yourself today by taking the steps to experience the benefits of forgiveness in your life.
Angela says
I so needed this today. I ended my relationship today. I still love him deeply. But he is not healthy for me. On to healing my heart and decluttering my life. I’m closer to freedom
Deepak Rajpal says
True. We should never let these little life happenings create pain for the rest of your life. Life does not mean to stop here. Forgive and Show must go on.
Thanks for the nice article JOSHUA BECKER :)
John says
The deepest write up on forgvness whch iv bn struglng wth frm my childhood.wth ur permissn i cn teach d teens in my church.sir
Sally says
Joshua, thanks for this article. The timing couldn’t be better. This was so well written and made important distinctions. I felt a sense of calm and peace after reading this.
Dawn @ Prickly Mom says
But how do you forgive someone who will never be remorseful or will never understand or acknowledge or even care how they hurt you?
Gail says
I’d say, you don’t. Then what motivation would they have to change or care that what they did was wrong? If there is some evidence of remorse or repentance then that’s different.
Gail says
Then you move on without them and try to let go of hate or anger, that way oneself would have peace. That’s different than forgiving an someone who doesn’t care they’ve hurt someone. This is about purposefully causing pain, not they said something goofy or forgot to include you in something, I talking about serious abuse.
Gail says
I wish I would proof read better. :-P
Heidi says
I read this recently and felt that it really sums up forgive for me:
FORGIVENESS IS A CHOICE I MAKE, TO RELEASE SOMEONE FROM A DEBT THEY OWE THAT THEY CANNOT REPAY.
Heidi says
Opps: forgiveness
Gail says
It’s a great general rule for one’s own piece of mind for most offenses.
When it comes to serious deliberate offences by someone who shows no repentance, to forgive in the sense of “wiping out” the wrong (even if you reasonably not associate with them) is not just.
Not only is it not just, it doesn’t help or encourage the one purposefully doing wrong to change their ways.
Tamara S. says
I read an interesting thought by Marilyn Meberg from her book, “I’d Rather Be Laughing”. She was talking about forgiveness and how it is a tough topic, especially because we have some misconceptions about it.
The first misconception she brought up was that if you forgive someone, you have to “get back together” with that person. Not true says Meberg, we need to mentally separate the act of forgiveness and the act of reuniting. They are not the same nor are they synonymous. We can forgive someone and still plan never to see that person again. Forgiving the offender does not change the offender… it changes you.
The second misconception is that if we forgive someones offense, it excuses that person’s behavior. Meberg stated that forgiving does not excuse or condone… it simply forgives.
The third misconception is that forgiving means forgetting the pain that individual inflicted on you. The concept of “forgive and forget” is something only God can do. We can’t come anywhere near forgetting, wrote Meberg.
Some of us have been deeply hurt by others persons actions and we harbor anger, resentment and sometimes even blame God for allowing the action to have happened. Perhaps it was an accident that claimed the life of our child, maybe it was sexual abuse that occurred when we were young. Perhaps our parents abused us rather than using loving discipline, or perhaps they favored one child over you and you felt that sting all your life. Remember the above wisdom offered from Meberg and forgive. It’s for you and your health and well-being.
Catherine says
Hello! Great perspectives, thank you Joshua for your insight. Here is an article that has helped me tremendously.
http://www.laurapetherbridge.com/Articles/What-Forgiveness-Is-NOT.htm
Blessing,
Cathy
carole says
There is no way you can forgive someone with out being forgiven yourself. For me I needed the forgiveness of Jesus, only then could I forgive my first “offender”. If what you are doing isn’t working, you should try him. Really.