“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” —Mahatma Gandhi
A simplified life is light, easy, and free. It is a life that has thoughtfully and intentionally removed many of the things that weigh us down.
On the outside, this can be accomplished by removing many of the material possessions that demand our attention.
But what about on the inside? Many of us carry in our hearts a heavy burden of past hurts from others. Because we live our lives in relationship with other people, we are bound to be wronged by somebody along the way. And sometimes these hurts can be very deep and heavy when they come from someone close.
Carrying the weight of these burdens can result in a life of resentment and bitterness. Simply put, our lives get trapped in the past. And as a result, many become depressed or anxious.
The path to removing this internal weight is to experience the life-freeing power of forgiveness. Learning to forgive others releases burden and brings freedom back to our heart. It results in less stress, less hostility, lower blood pressure, and reduced symptoms of depression. It provides the opportunity to live a simplified life on the outside and the inside.
To experience the life-giving nature of forgiveness, try putting into practice these six steps each time you are hurt by another person.
1. Admit that you have needed forgiveness in the past. We all make mistakes. We’ve all hurt other people in the past. One of the key steps in being able to practice the power of forgiveness is to realize that you have needed forgiveness at some point in your life too. When we are able to humbly admit that we have needed forgiveness from another, we are in a better position to offer forgiveness to someone who has hurt us.
2. Understand what forgiveness is not. You were wronged. Don’t minimize the offense by pretending it didn’t happen. Granted, if you were hurt accidentally, you only need to show patience. But if you were hurt intentionally, you’ll need to accept that fact and show forgiveness.
3. Realize the difference between forgiveness and trust. One of the most misunderstood aspects of forgiveness is when it is confused with trust. Depending on the nature of the offense, your ability to trust has been deeply compromised. Forgiving somebody does not mean that you need to restore that relationship without changes. Remember that forgiveness can be instant, but trust must be built over a period of time. Realize the difference. While offering forgiveness brings freedom, being wise about trust can protect your heart in the future.
4. Give up your right to get even. Too many people live life keeping score. They keep a mental list of people who have wronged them in the past and live their life looking for opportunities to get even. Forgiveness provides the opportunity to erase the list and to release your heart from the burden of revenge.
5. Choose to respond with kindness. Anyone can respond to evil with evil. But only the strong can respond with good. Kindness breaks the cycle. It can bring freedom to your soul and release your life from the never-ending, downward cycle of responding to evil with evil.
6. Repeat the process as needed. As long as you live your life in relationship with others, you are going to be wronged. Accept the fact that nobody is perfect and be prepared to repeat the process above as needed.
If you are harboring resentment towards another human being because of past hurts, choose to forgive and move on. The harm was their fault. But allowing it to weigh down your life today is yours. Free yourself today by taking the steps to experience the benefits of forgiveness in your life.
Cathy b says
great article laying out exactly what forgiveness is..it frees one s heart up to be able to be in relationship with another again. I’ve had to learn this firsthand after being hurt by someone in a counseling position.It was difficult to trust and bring myself to share with her to begin with but then after being betrayed, I would relive the situation over and over and spent too much time planning a revenge. Just recently, I realized that I was hurting myself and my future relationship possibilities in acting this way. I released the hurt and forgave as best possible and have had some peace of mind since.
mom says
The man molested my daughter. His only remorse was getting caught. He has continued to be psychologically harmful at the rare opportunities he has been able. I have no desire to forgive him. The early attempts I made to forgive him because I felt it my “Christian duty” made me more anxious, more angry and more depressed. It did and still doesn’t feel right, or normal or “freeing”. I don’t want to forgive this man. To do so trivializes what he did to my child. I live free everyday knowing that I am content with my anger towards his evil. Forgiveness is a beautiful thing and should be offered whenever possible: I forgive the guy who cut me off in traffic, I forgive the relative that hurt my feelings, I forgive the friend who forgot my birthday. I do not forgive the man that calculated and devised a plan to molest my child, carried it out and then made every attempt to lie about it to save his own skin (of which he failed, miserably and I rejoiced in his punishment). If this makes me evil, then so be it…I am free in the knowledge that I am true to my inner most feelings.
Carla says
I agree. People should pay for what they’ve done, because there are those who simply do not want to learn or be remorseful. They’re too selfish, wordly and full of false pride and ego and they would continue to be heinous and evil for as long as they can. This can be a sad and tragic reality that some of us unfortunately experience. How do you handle that?
Mim says
I hope you get this post, I posted a very long response to this meme shared by a much younger friend of mine, because I so disagreed with the message. I didn’t realize that it would not be a direct response to her, and all of my thoughts, which I labored over so carefully, have apparently been lost to the universe. And then, looking for my post, I found yours, and realized that perhaps you were where I was supposed to connect instead. I hope it is true.
I have been through a very similar experience to yours, involving my granddaughter, and have learned much that may be of great value to you, The first is: forgiveness is never to be applied to deliberate acts of evil. I hope I hear from you so that I can share with you what I have learned on my 20+ years in family survival mode. If not, may you fare well, my dear.
Anonymous says
Perhaps consider that he may have also been molested and was certainly traumatized in some way to cause this behavior.
Ramona says
You are a brilliantly insightful writer Joshua. Everything you write resonates with me and I would guess the human race. You inspire me everyday. Thank you.
Nicole says
This was a helpful blog to read. But what if the person that needs forgiveness the most is yourself? What are the steps then. How does one get past the wrongs they have done to others?
Shailee says
The exact same question that I wanted to ask!! How does one rid oneself of guilt of having wronged others unintentionally? This is something that really weighs me down and may a times I end up over-compensating.
donna says
I care for my 92 year old mom and try to do a blogradio show as my hobby I think it is important to share thoughts and feelings with others…I dont get the chance to do it nearly as often as I would like but i am posting the link on friendships for you to hear if you would like to…Im getting ready to do another show this coming week…Im actually just finishing it up….it wil be about the joys and pains of being 50. I attended a very sad and unexpected wake of my sons friends mother last week. she was only 58 which prompted that story…..for now I hope you are inspired by this one and would love to hear your comments…
http://tobtr.com/s/1615661
Jplent says
It’s time to get serious…
donna says
its not easy at all….we were hurt by a family member….my first reaction is return evil with evil….it feels good temporarily however I know it is not the right direction to go….especially with family.
thank you for this post….I am going to let it go….I must!!
Ive been writing and thinking about clutter … both emotional and physical…and this is clutter as well….
we will soon be invited to a function and my first reaction was Im not going…Im too hurt…and I have to give these people a gift too….are you kidding me??? but I will go….and I will bring the gift….and I will be the better person…..
i would love for anyone who reads this to please comment on my blog….www.50plusstickingtogether.blogspot.com on clutter…..
lets keep the conversation going…together hopefully we can help each other.
Jplent says
I enjoyed your comment…
Laura m. says
Best to distance yourself from certain people incl family (former drug/alcohol use, immorality, criminal acts, etc) Don’t hold grudges, just excuse yourself from being available, distance yourself, etc. as trust is gone. See comments to Nat.
lilian says
I have been avoiding my MIL who went out of her way to cause trouble and made me feel unwelcome for more than a decade. Now that she is getting old and needing to take care of her stroke husband, she is trying to redeem herself with my husband although the person she wronged is me and not him. Hence, I do not trust her intentions. She apologized for her actions toward me to my husband. Never to me.I know I will need to forgive her but I can’t. Next year I am forced against my will to go see her. I know I need to forgive her and act accordingly. I just don’t know if I can do it.
Renee says
Forgiveness versus Trust, Kindness versus Evil! Wise, wise words at a time when I very much needed to hear them – especially as to the difference between forgiveness and trust. Thanks for your excellent post!
Jen says
Quite a while ago I read that if we realize the person who hurt us was doing the best they could with the knowledge they had, it becomes possible to forgive. The key phrase is “with the knowledge they had”. Each of us has different life teachers, life experiences, and ability to interpret what we experience. And all of these go into forming our ability to understand, empathize, and otherwise deal with our lives and problems and the other people in our lives. This was a life-changing realization for me.
Anonymous says
I believe you are absolutely correct!
mel says
wonderful and timely post for me to read. i’ve been hurt by someone recently that i only less than a year ago let into my life. i tried just letting it go, but it kept coming to the surface and bothering me. i now realize that i need to forgive in order to move on. there is no more relationship between this other person and myself, but she will be somewhat in my life for at least another couple of years, so i need to be able to forgive and get past it.
Nat says
I got here from the “no tv in the bedroom” post.
I was recently hurt by two friends at a time when I was extremely vulnerable to pain (lost my husband in a tragic car accident in 1/2010). They considered my feelings when making a decision, but figured I would approve/accept without issue the choice they made. It was extremely hurtful. I felt betrayed by one especially.
I’m confused by the concept of being forgiving and yet feeling like there is no more relationship/friendship between me and these people. I don’t feel angry or vengeful toward them, but I don’t want to extend my heart to them any longer. Is that forgiveness?
Laura m. says
I have been hurt (and so have others) in several church issues, involving ethics/immorality; other past issues involved gossip and or telling someone in confidence and they tell others without your permission. Forgive them, don’t get revenge, but simply never trust them again. Distance yourself and cut ties is best in the long run. No revenge or retaliation in forgiveness. But trust is unlikely to be regained ever again. Associating with anyone who committed immoral acts (cheating on spouse, etc) or ethics (stealing lying, embezzlement) in the future is just not in your best interests and could damage your reputation. Never tell anyone anything you don’t want leaked out eventually. Cynicism of people in general is bound to happen over time. Keep an emotional barrier with friends in the future. I don’t put confidence in authority figures (clergy, politicians, etc) anymore.
Mimi says
That’s your idea of forgiveness??