“How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself.” ―Marcus Aurelius
An old proverb tells the story of a person who repeated a rumor about a neighbor. Soon, the whole community had heard the rumor. Later, the person who spread the gossip learned that the rumor was untrue. He was very sorry and went to an elder in the community who had a reputation for great wisdom to seek advice. The elder told him, “Go to your home and take a feather pillow outside. Rip it open and scatter the feathers, then return to me tomorrow.” The man did as the elder had instructed.
The following day, he visited the elder. The elder said, “Go collect the feathers you scattered yesterday and bring them back to me.” The man went home and searched for the feathers, but the wind had carried them all away. Returning to the elder, he admitted, “I could find none of the feathers I scattered yesterday.” “You see,” said the elder, “it‘s easy to scatter the feathers but impossible to get them back.” So it is with gossip; it doesn’t take much to spread hurtful words, but once you do, you can never completely undo the damage.
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Quickly defined, gossip is talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature. And there are far better things to talk about than the sensational, intimate details of another.
Gossip almost always complicates our lives rather than simplifies. Unfortunately, gossip feels good and the short-term rewards often distract us from the fact that we know better. It makes us feel better about ourselves to know something about someone else and share that with another. Other times, speaking about the personal faults of others makes it easier to overlook our own.
Even under the best of motives, gossip almost always does damage to the relationship that we can never completely undo. Consider some of these life-complicating dangers of gossip:
- Damaged Relationships. When we learn that a friend has passed on a rumor about us – true, but confidential information – it always does damage to the relationship. The same is true when you are the one passing on the gossip.
- Trust is destroyed. It is virtually impossible to restore complete trust in a person who has shared your secrets with another. And it is vey difficult to trust someone who has just shared with you someone else‘s secrets.
- Adds unnecessary complexity. If you’ve ever told a secret that you don’t want somebody else to pass along, you know exactly what unnecessary complexity is. Gossip adds the nagging worry that word will make it back to the person or spread beyond our control.
- Devalues the relationship in front of you. Intimate, personal details about a person who is not there always removes you from your present reality and transports you somewhere else. Not only does it distract you from the relational opportunity in front of you, it puts you squarely in the middle of a personal scenario where you do not belong.
One important ingredient to simplify our lives is to avoid gossip at all costs. If gossip is a source of complexity in your life, try giving one of these steps a shot:
1. Appreciate the difference between “helpful” and “gossip.”
There are times in life when it is genuinely helpful for you to know the personal background or personal details of a friend‘s life. But if someone begins sharing intimate details of another‘s life and you are in no position to help (or have no intention to help), it is not helpful speech. It is gossip. And will only lead to disaster.
2. Stop it before it starts.
If your conversation begins to turn toward gossip, take the high road and end it. A simple sentence that goes like this, “I‘m not sure I‘m in a good position to be having this conversation,” quickly shifts the focus to yourself while communicating your point to your partner.
3. Engage in meaningful conversations about the people around you.
There is a 100% chance that you have not fully explored the deepest places of the heart and life sitting right in front of you. Rather than engaging in conversation about someone else, choose to ask deeper questions about the hopes, dreams, and fears of the people who are present.
4. Avoid the two greatest causes of gossip: pride and self-exaltation.
Gossip makes us feel better about ourselves because we get to revel in the fact that other people have problems too. This is especially gratifying when their problems are seen as more severe than our own. It is selfish pride and a need for self-exaltation that results in that mindset.
5. Stay positive with your speech.
Use positive words as much as possible – even when talking about another. Speaking positively about a person who is not present rarely leads to gossip and almost always leads to a closer ally. This positive speech will also encourage the people around you to do the same.
6. Celebrity gossip is still gossip.
Remember, just because they appear on magazine covers does not make their personal secrets fair game as a conversation topic. Gossip can appear on the pages of a magazine just as easily as it can during a conversation in your living room.
Is it just me or does it seem that with all the things that we could choose to talk about on any given day… the intimate details of another person’s life should be lower on the list than it usually is?
Image: B.Riordan.
I absolutely love this perspective! It’s so easy to get caught up in gossip, but shifting the focus to more meaningful conversations can really transform our relationships. Thanks for the reminder to prioritize connections that uplift rather than diminish!
This is such a refreshing perspective! I often find myself caught up in gossip, but your suggestions for deeper conversations really resonate with me. Focusing on interests and ideas instead of other people’s lives seems so much more fulfilling. Thank you for the insight!
Recently a friend started to say “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this”…
To which I responded, “Let me stop you right there. I prefer that you dont.”
It is an easy thing to fall into, gossip. Thanks so much for this important reminder!
This is very helpful. I need to apply this in my daily life… this is the one trait about myself that is very harmful for my life in all aspects.. and I kick myself after I do this…thank you so much for this article.
Once again Joshua, you have nailed it! This is wisdom everyone could benefit from. Thank you.
Dear Author
Reading your article was like having a breath of fresh air. I don’t believe in perfection but try not to judge others or contribute to gossip – gosh I find it difficult to hear something negative about someone especially if the deliverer of such ‘initiative’ expects me to contribute. Often I find that people are uncomfortable with my not wanting to say bad things about someone else – I feel physically unwell. Plus I don’t want to live with feeding more negative energy into our world which is already struggling to find balance…and now I safely feel that I don’t have to. Namaste
AS I HAVE GONE THROUGH WITH YOUR ATICLE ON “There are Better Things to Talk About Than Other People” IT IS VERY INTERESTING TO READ I MUST SAY AND PEOPLE GENERALLY LOVE GOSSIP WHO USED TO POINT OUT WEAKNESS IN OTHERS WITHOUT KNOWING THEIR OWN IT IS ONE OF THE BAD THING.KEEP YOURSELF AWAY FROM SUCH GOSSIP.
KEEP POSTING ARTICLE ON SUCH IMPORTANT TOPICS.
THANK YOU
Gossip is evil and mentally destructive. And we don’t need to add more fuel to the mental challenges so many are dealing with today. I will admit to some extent years I participated somewhat in ‘gossip’ but short lived given that’s not me. I see myself as more of a mentor, guide and lover. And with this I’ve shut doors on acquaintances, friends, family whom thrive on such. I’ve become more recluse with many and reserve myself for the positive people. We need more + and less – in this toxic environment. One to One we can change the world.
Recently a friend started to say “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this”…
To which I responded, “Let me stop you right there. I prefer that you dont.”
It is an easy thing to fall into, gossip. Thanks so much for this important reminder!
I have found one tricky way people gossip is to ask for prayer for someone. “Pray for so-and-so, they’re marriage is in trouble”… “pray for so-and-so, she just found out her teenager is pregnant”. They would argue it isn’t gossip because they believe they are helping… and some probably are genuine in that, but some are just wanting the gory details and disguising it as a “prayer request”
Good point
I agree.
I totally agree with your comment and seeing it used as a means to “self-exalt” while praying for “the sinner!” Those kinds of prayer requests should be offered as an “unspoken” request. It would be wise for the one taking the requests in a group to ask others to refrain from blurting things out that could be hurtful to others! Respect and healthy boundaries are a must for trust in a group!
Also, don’t “plant seeds” of gossip! Like “I wonder why …” That just incites a rumor to get started! Appearances NEVER present facts! Don’t judge a book by it’s cover! Slander can start law suits! Tame your tongue and love and encourage others!
Gossips were originally the group of women who supported a mother and midwife during the birthing of a child. They gave support and kept the men away.
It’s very strange how giving birth and the meaning of the word have changed.
This post really resonated with me though. It is a fault I am guilty of and I now feel it has to be one of my goals: to recognise when I am doing it and to stop.
Your “kept the men away” phrase sounds rather exclusionary and mean-spirited. Fathers have every right to be there (assuming the couple’s relationship is good).
It was usual in previous generations. I’m sure you will have noted this in historical dramas. Allowing the father into the room was prohibited prior to the 1960s.
Prayers are so helpful, make yourself whom is praying and asking others to feel good about yourself and the ‘victim.’
I wonder if there is positive gossip too? Like so and so just got a promotion or engaged?
How interesting, Joshua, that you can see minimalism in gossip:)0 I guess that’s part of what you do, being a minimalist. Less is more. However, being less involved you can sometimes appear to be indifferent or too self centered. The balance is difficult here to find. I have the same problem with my twin daughters and my son. My daughters are so intimate with each other that when I get in the middle of the two, it is unbearable. Then my son is on the contrary, stick to his gut and is always up to something with his dad. I can sometimes find myself very on my own. So to say, it is hard to find a balance.
Hone a robe of mystery by finding things that interest you that you would enjoy learning more about, like Learni g about local geology or how to repair a broken vase with gilded metels or writing poetry znd submiting it a public space like scoop.it, mysterious sidewalk chalk art, don a mask and fight crime, watching\tracking migratory birds. Anything that doesnt require people to speak about people who arent present for the sake of making conversation.
James, I can’t express how much I appreciate your wisdom in this post.
Thank you 🙏
Thanks, Josh. This will take me to a long debate here about why women tend to be more involved in arguing than men not that it gives them an oxytocin boost, more likely, women are sensitive to differences and equality. You can see when they raise 3 kids or more. Most of the time, they can’t help with the whistle. There is certainly some differences in when we vent, we gossip, or we debate, or eventually try to be helpful and stay out of it. In the end that the best way to do I have learned over the years for getting myself always into too often more “trouble” but “good trouble” Great post.
I, personally, strongly dislike gossip. Often, though, I find myself being reeled into it through someone else. I’m not always entirely aware that it’s happening, either. I try not to engage in it, but I find myself wanting to make comparisons so that I can be a part of the conversation. It can be tricky, because when you don’t know how to change the topic, you can really fall into feeding into the gossip. I often just listen and try not to feed the conversation too much. This results in me becoming drained. Are gossip and venting the same thing? I think they are similar, anyway. I find that people want to understand others, better, and they’re just afraid to have the conversations with the people they end up gossiping about. Perhaps, I could get better at asking them if they’ve talked to so-and-so about how they really feel. It’s complicated stuff. I know that women tend to gossip way more than men do, too. It’s like it gives them an oxytocin boost, or something. I can see how gossiping deflects from someone else’s issues. Then, too, there are people who’d rather focus on helping solve other people’s issues rather than their own (it seems easier). The question is, what purpose does the conversation serve? Like you said, can you actually help the person with their problem? If I’m just going to be wanting out of the conversation, I’m guessing that there’s nothing I can offer. The best thing is to get better at identifying what the gossiper needs. Perhaps, the attention needs to be shifted back onto them about their issues. I think that, sometimes, people are too afraid of talking about their own issues so they try to problem-solve vicariously through other people. Then, it gives them an opportunity to see what people think about the people around them who suck so bad to see if they can trust those people with their own drama. It’s interesting. Sort of a conundrum, if you ask me. Idk, it’s complicated stuff and I think it’s better to learn how to set proper boundaries with gossipers.
It is my experience that gossip at least as much as women, I have worked in male dominated environments and have taken note of the level of men’s “gossip”. It would be interesting to do some studies about this topic
Wow! Very insiteful. I feel the same and I always tend to be sucked in when there is gossip. For me, a lot of times gossip takes away the awkward silence of just standing there and having nothing to talk about. It’s also a common-ground type of thing that almost creates a comradery amongst peers and co-workers. It’s like we are all drawing a line in the sand and talking about the person on the other side. My work place is so gossip infested, and like you said, you sometimes don’t realize that you’ve been reeled in. What’s crazier is that I feel like I got my position at work partially because of gossiping with my bosses. Yes, I’m a good and hard worker, but we’ve laughed and talked about enough people at work to where I feel it has given me an edge with them (not done purposely). I’ve found that I can’t seem to talk to them without one of us bringing up something about somebody that we work with. I’ve also noticed that “common sense” is a line drawer issue that really starts up the gossip engine. I am wondering if it’s gossip when someone says something about somebody that everybody seems to agree with, or if it’s venting, which you may be right about that being a form of gossip? For example, if I work with a complete ***hole and someone else says what I’m feeling and others chime in. I can see how this leads to gossip, but sometimes I wonder if things need to be said in that maybe someone will give a reason for that person coming off as an ***hole. But, that’s also gossip, I guess.
What proverb are you quoting in this message?
A person’s success does not depend on his wisdom, but perseverance
Thanks for the comment, but I think it depends on both.
Wonderful! As always! Rich with truth! Thank you greatly.
Gossip is an emotional poison. It is the hobby of petty people.
it is a HABIT that intelligent people ALSO fall into. How many times have you spoken about someone not there?
I dont even know where to begin to stop gossiping. Ive tried those things but catch myself being the one to do it. I hate it – I dont do it yo be malicious – more social comparison.
I will change. Its just very hard to do it.
You proclaim that you are not able to stop gossiping about other people. “Indeed you can.” Search your mind and I believe will find other things you can do in your life better than what you’ll doing.
Talking about other people is not part of a good life. Either you are jealous about what someone has or the way a person presently act in your presence. Just mind your own business and leave other peoples alone. Or be kind and friendly to them. If that doesn’t fit your style as to who you like or not like, then I do not know anything better to suggest to you.
Margie, when you’re talking about someone, try to imagine them hearing what you’re saying about them. How would they feel if they heard, first hand, what was said about them? How would you feel if they knew? How would it change your relationship with them? Would they walk out of your life?
Something else to consider is that your words are powerful, it affects their reputation whether they hear you or not. I never heard the lies my ex told about me but, it definitely affected the way people treated me and changed my relationship with them. The recovery period to gain back what was damaged has taken years.
Talking good about people, instead of talking smack, makes you a beautiful person.
Well said and so true, Annabel. I am taking your advice to heart. You sound like a very wise and kind person.
The best way to stop….. is to stop.
if you want to stop gossiping about others lives, all you need to do is get a life of your own.
Exactly! It is so much easier for some to pick apart others lives, without examining / changing their own.
It’s called integrity to be able to use your words with self respect and respect for others, no matter who they are. I knew a women and no matter what, she never spoke gossip about anyone, she was a rare jewel, I have learnt to fight fire with fire at times. I am far from perfect, the lockdown has taught me, just love others and wish them the best, unkind people, gossips need love too, but I don’t have to take part in destroying another person.
Gossip is a cowardly act, if someone gossips to me, I say ‘sounds like you have a problem with XYZ’ maybe talk to them about it if you can and resolve it. Then I stay nothing.
When I have been really unwell with mental health problems like PTSD and addiction, everyone was talking behind my back and all I needed was a friend to talk to. It felt soul destroying and 99% of it was just unhelpful to me, it just gave sad people some drama to talk about, to feel better about themselves.
I have heard malicious lies and gossip about people, in AA we say gossip kills, well it can and it does.
Stop thinking in terms of ‘whoops I did it again, I can’t help it’ it’s just wrong. You are damaging a human being. Show others that you do not have to partake, be gracious and rise above that nasty habit. You can do it.
Love and light to all ??❤️
Gossip hurts, yes I agree, but gossip can also be a social control to our behaviour.
Meaning, if you don’t want to be object of gossiping then do good, no harm to yourself and others.
People are gossiped about just for being good. Some people cannot stand to be around people who are positive, optimistic and fair. Believe me, it happens. You can be perfect and someone will still find a reason to say something negative about you. Some people are just that unhappy with themselves and/or situation.
I have to say I think this is all backwards, bad gossip can only prevail when good people don’t gossip. You have to stand up for yourself and gossip about how the liar whoever he/she is who started the rumour is a liar. Everyone knows liars are in the wrong. Stating its a lie to anyone will put doubt in their minds and they won’t be able to say for sure what the truth is. People will learn not to lie about you if you are known to gossip about people who lie, they won’t want to be publically shamed for doing something so obviously wrong.
Generally speaking the problem with modern day gossip is children are told not to gossip and only the good children listen to that bad advice. Good people need to be involved in gossip in order to keep gossip from decaying into something that is negative for the world. Sure you could just read good books, meditate and talk about ideas with like minded people and you will be better for it but I don’t think its righteous to be so selfish when there are masses of communities of gossipers out there who could benefit from your wisdom if you would just get your hands dirty, gossip with them, set them straight and build them up.
Well, it depends. If you already have solid connections with people and in general have a good image and keep showing that perceived image with actions that show the opposite than what is there to protect when the actions that say otherwise are being shown? If you have the general population on your side than people are going to belive you more than some stranger. Also, it is important to take into account that you would be wasting your time that could be invested into something else. Say, your community, self, or relationships that truly matter.
What if they spread a lie just to get attention?? Ive seen it happened before and I was a victim of it. But I still wonder why would they spread something that’s not true?? I couldn’t figure out why. Any ideas??
May, have you ever read The Four Agreements? (If not, I highly suggest it.) Anyway, one of the best pieces of advice in the book is, don’t take anything in life personally. If somebody is spreading a rumor about you, it isn’t because of you or anything you did. It sounds like that person’s own insecurity and need for attention is what’s really driving their behavior. People spread rumors they know aren’t true because they don’t feel good about themselves, because they want to be in the spotlight, or possibly because they are jealous or angry. But always remember, whatever is going on in their head, it isn’t because of you; it’s their problem, not yours.
Yes, May. One idea is that the gossiper is suffering from low self-esteem, but lack self-awareness to even know that fact. So they feed the gnawing emptiness in their self-image by creating distraction. They gather people around, call attention to your ‘faults’ – behind your back – in hopes that no one sees their own faults. The listeners fall into three camps: those that believe the destructive gossip, those that brush it off and chalk it up to what it is, and the third are those who don’t care enough to have an opinion.