“How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself.” ―Marcus Aurelius
An old proverb tells the story of a person who repeated a rumor about a neighbor. Soon, the whole community had heard the rumor. Later, the person who spread the gossip learned that the rumor was untrue. He was very sorry and went to an elder in the community who had a reputation for great wisdom to seek advice. The elder told him, “Go to your home and take a feather pillow outside. Rip it open and scatter the feathers, then return to me tomorrow.” The man did as the elder had instructed.
The following day, he visited the elder. The elder said, “Go collect the feathers you scattered yesterday and bring them back to me.” The man went home and searched for the feathers, but the wind had carried them all away. Returning to the elder, he admitted, “I could find none of the feathers I scattered yesterday.” “You see,” said the elder, “it‘s easy to scatter the feathers but impossible to get them back.” So it is with gossip; it doesn’t take much to spread hurtful words, but once you do, you can never completely undo the damage.
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Quickly defined, gossip is talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature. And there are far better things to talk about than the sensational, intimate details of another.
Gossip almost always complicates our lives rather than simplifies. Unfortunately, gossip feels good and the short-term rewards often distract us from the fact that we know better. It makes us feel better about ourselves to know something about someone else and share that with another. Other times, speaking about the personal faults of others makes it easier to overlook our own.
Even under the best of motives, gossip almost always does damage to the relationship that we can never completely undo. Consider some of these life-complicating dangers of gossip:
- Damaged Relationships. When we learn that a friend has passed on a rumor about us – true, but confidential information – it always does damage to the relationship. The same is true when you are the one passing on the gossip.
- Trust is destroyed. It is virtually impossible to restore complete trust in a person who has shared your secrets with another. And it is vey difficult to trust someone who has just shared with you someone else‘s secrets.
- Adds unnecessary complexity. If you’ve ever told a secret that you don’t want somebody else to pass along, you know exactly what unnecessary complexity is. Gossip adds the nagging worry that word will make it back to the person or spread beyond our control.
- Devalues the relationship in front of you. Intimate, personal details about a person who is not there always removes you from your present reality and transports you somewhere else. Not only does it distract you from the relational opportunity in front of you, it puts you squarely in the middle of a personal scenario where you do not belong.
One important ingredient to simplify our lives is to avoid gossip at all costs. If gossip is a source of complexity in your life, try giving one of these steps a shot:
1. Appreciate the difference between “helpful” and “gossip.”
There are times in life when it is genuinely helpful for you to know the personal background or personal details of a friend‘s life. But if someone begins sharing intimate details of another‘s life and you are in no position to help (or have no intention to help), it is not helpful speech. It is gossip. And will only lead to disaster.
2. Stop it before it starts.
If your conversation begins to turn toward gossip, take the high road and end it. A simple sentence that goes like this, “I‘m not sure I‘m in a good position to be having this conversation,” quickly shifts the focus to yourself while communicating your point to your partner.
3. Engage in meaningful conversations about the people around you.
There is a 100% chance that you have not fully explored the deepest places of the heart and life sitting right in front of you. Rather than engaging in conversation about someone else, choose to ask deeper questions about the hopes, dreams, and fears of the people who are present.
4. Avoid the two greatest causes of gossip: pride and self-exaltation.
Gossip makes us feel better about ourselves because we get to revel in the fact that other people have problems too. This is especially gratifying when their problems are seen as more severe than our own. It is selfish pride and a need for self-exaltation that results in that mindset.
5. Stay positive with your speech.
Use positive words as much as possible – even when talking about another. Speaking positively about a person who is not present rarely leads to gossip and almost always leads to a closer ally. This positive speech will also encourage the people around you to do the same.
6. Celebrity gossip is still gossip.
Remember, just because they appear on magazine covers does not make their personal secrets fair game as a conversation topic. Gossip can appear on the pages of a magazine just as easily as it can during a conversation in your living room.
Is it just me or does it seem that with all the things that we could choose to talk about on any given day… the intimate details of another person’s life should be lower on the list than it usually is?
Image: B.Riordan.
Millie says
Hi
I have a family member that is not happy with anything, no matter what we say or do. This person will pick funny and enjoyable topics from conversation and turn into fighting material. This sometimes leads us to discuss this person to let our frustration out. Are we gossiping or bad mouthing about this person???
Linda says
I find myself stuck in a really bad situation and I’d like some feedback if possible. It’s been over a year since my neighbor confided to me that she went through a huge inheritance, and in short, she has been using whatever means she can to keep up the pretense of having money. She confessed this to me at a point in time when she had fallen and could not make me understand why she wouldn’t let me take her to the doctors that she no longer has health insurance. Then she proceeded to lay out her entire financial situation for me. She does have 2 small for some income her social security and some money that her son contributes because he lives with her. I also have a relationship with her sister. my friend has been adamant that I’m not divulge anything I know to her sister, and I have respected her wishes. However this has put me and some really tough spots.I don’t think she realizes that because she’s living a lie, her behavior seems crazy to some of her family. For the last few months they have began to question me because they know she and I spend a lot of time together. They question that she tells them her car has something dangerous wrong with it, but she won’t go and get it repaired, because in their mind she has no money worries. They question that she’s fallen, but won’t go to a doctor, because they’re unaware she has no insurance. They question why she keeps making excuses about why she can’t go shopping with them or go out to dinner with them. (After more then a year, they are beginning to question how bathroom problems are keeping her from going anywhere and doing anything and yet she looks healthy and has lost no weight). From the beginning, I’ve begged her to be up from with her family. She is close to being evicted from her home, and yet has concocted an elaborate scheme to prevent being “found out” and to keep up her charade. I started to say that I haven’t told any outright lives so far but I really have because when questioned about the many strange things going on with her, I say I have no idea in order not to divulge anything I know. I’ve become very close with her sister in the last year and I feel worse and worse every day about being a participant in this deception that is being perpetrated. I’ve begged my friend to come cleanbut this situation as overwhelming my life now.
Sue Dot says
My 2 neighbours opposite gossip. Now I keep my mind and hands busy and ignore them. It’s not worth getting ill over and I try to live a quiet life. Keeping myself to myself and much preferring it that way thank you very much. Having tried church, choir, all mostly women, I have found it wanting. Thank you all for reading and hope your situations improve. If you have faith, prayer and the Holy Bible help very much.
Retta says
I had always worked with mostly women till about 12 yrs. ago, since then it’s mostly men, they are no different, they gossip just as much.
I think women are not aware of this as most men gossip mainly with other men.
Marcia says
I have a very wise friend who stops gossip in it’s tracks. If a busy-body asks her about another person, she says, “It’s not my story to tell.” People trust her as a result of this because she keeps confidences. I think if you have to ask someone if they can tell a secret, it’s probably something you shouldn’t be sharing even if it’s about yourself.
Nakisha says
I like the proverb. I dislike gossip, however I believe that most people enjoy hearing it and that is why gossip is still strong.
Gladys (The Pinay Mom) says
I always like Eleanor Roosevelt’s quote about “small minds” who discuss people.I work in a place(convenience store) where 95% is women.It’s full of drama and gossip.When someone tells me about someone else’s business,I don’t encourage conversation and try to change the topic as soon as I can.I’m still learning how to tell someone to knock it off in front of their face because gossiping is very unclassy and morally wrong. I always put myself in someone else’s shoes who’s being talked about and I know how hurtful it is to know when someone’s talking about you behind your back whether it’s true or not.
Nikki says
My mum had a saying on our fridge that I always remember and try to teach my children – “What Peter tells me about Paul tells me more about Peter than it does about Paul”.
Lisa says
Right on!
Whatmattersmost says
Joshua,
I love your blog since the time I discovered it last year. Its very insightful. I have tried some things but always end up reverting to my old habits.
There is one topic I would love to get your thoughts on. Maybe you can write on it sometime. I find myself comparing myself to my friends very frequently, and then feel disappointed when I feel short of how I’d like to be. This also created clutter and noise in my mind.
Margaret Mitchell says
I too would like to have your inspiration on this subject, Joshua.
Lyn says
As my Grandpa used to say, “If you can’t say something nice about someone keep your mouth shut. If you’ve got something to say about someone, say it to their face and if you wouldn’t say it to their face, keep your mouth shut.”
This scrolls across my mind every single time I open my mouth.
Carole Heath says
I agree Lyn,
the old maxim your grandpa quoted is so true.
Audrey says
This one hits really close to home and I needed the message today. Thank you! Not only did it teach me to refrain but made an impact on something I was refusing to forgive.