“How much time he gains who does not look to see what his neighbor says or does or thinks, but only at what he does himself.” ―Marcus Aurelius
An old proverb tells the story of a person who repeated a rumor about a neighbor. Soon, the whole community had heard the rumor. Later, the person who spread the gossip learned that the rumor was untrue. He was very sorry and went to an elder in the community who had a reputation for great wisdom to seek advice. The elder told him, “Go to your home and take a feather pillow outside. Rip it open and scatter the feathers, then return to me tomorrow.” The man did as the elder had instructed.
The following day, he visited the elder. The elder said, “Go collect the feathers you scattered yesterday and bring them back to me.” The man went home and searched for the feathers, but the wind had carried them all away. Returning to the elder, he admitted, “I could find none of the feathers I scattered yesterday.” “You see,” said the elder, “it‘s easy to scatter the feathers but impossible to get them back.” So it is with gossip; it doesn’t take much to spread hurtful words, but once you do, you can never completely undo the damage.
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Quickly defined, gossip is talk of a personal, sensational, or intimate nature. And there are far better things to talk about than the sensational, intimate details of another.
Gossip almost always complicates our lives rather than simplifies. Unfortunately, gossip feels good and the short-term rewards often distract us from the fact that we know better. It makes us feel better about ourselves to know something about someone else and share that with another. Other times, speaking about the personal faults of others makes it easier to overlook our own.
Even under the best of motives, gossip almost always does damage to the relationship that we can never completely undo. Consider some of these life-complicating dangers of gossip:
- Damaged Relationships. When we learn that a friend has passed on a rumor about us – true, but confidential information – it always does damage to the relationship. The same is true when you are the one passing on the gossip.
- Trust is destroyed. It is virtually impossible to restore complete trust in a person who has shared your secrets with another. And it is vey difficult to trust someone who has just shared with you someone else‘s secrets.
- Adds unnecessary complexity. If you’ve ever told a secret that you don’t want somebody else to pass along, you know exactly what unnecessary complexity is. Gossip adds the nagging worry that word will make it back to the person or spread beyond our control.
- Devalues the relationship in front of you. Intimate, personal details about a person who is not there always removes you from your present reality and transports you somewhere else. Not only does it distract you from the relational opportunity in front of you, it puts you squarely in the middle of a personal scenario where you do not belong.
One important ingredient to simplify our lives is to avoid gossip at all costs. If gossip is a source of complexity in your life, try giving one of these steps a shot:
1. Appreciate the difference between “helpful” and “gossip.”
There are times in life when it is genuinely helpful for you to know the personal background or personal details of a friend‘s life. But if someone begins sharing intimate details of another‘s life and you are in no position to help (or have no intention to help), it is not helpful speech. It is gossip. And will only lead to disaster.
2. Stop it before it starts.
If your conversation begins to turn toward gossip, take the high road and end it. A simple sentence that goes like this, “I‘m not sure I‘m in a good position to be having this conversation,” quickly shifts the focus to yourself while communicating your point to your partner.
3. Engage in meaningful conversations about the people around you.
There is a 100% chance that you have not fully explored the deepest places of the heart and life sitting right in front of you. Rather than engaging in conversation about someone else, choose to ask deeper questions about the hopes, dreams, and fears of the people who are present.
4. Avoid the two greatest causes of gossip: pride and self-exaltation.
Gossip makes us feel better about ourselves because we get to revel in the fact that other people have problems too. This is especially gratifying when their problems are seen as more severe than our own. It is selfish pride and a need for self-exaltation that results in that mindset.
5. Stay positive with your speech.
Use positive words as much as possible – even when talking about another. Speaking positively about a person who is not present rarely leads to gossip and almost always leads to a closer ally. This positive speech will also encourage the people around you to do the same.
6. Celebrity gossip is still gossip.
Remember, just because they appear on magazine covers does not make their personal secrets fair game as a conversation topic. Gossip can appear on the pages of a magazine just as easily as it can during a conversation in your living room.
Is it just me or does it seem that with all the things that we could choose to talk about on any given day… the intimate details of another person’s life should be lower on the list than it usually is?
Image: B.Riordan.
Nondumiso says
Gossip it cannot just destroy your life or cause someone to be offended what the other person said ,but can make someone to commit suicide because he or she feels rejected, unloved, ignored and a low self-esteem. “That why so many dies are happening in the world because of who said what” at that moment the other person snap he or she can do two things either can commit murder or become bitter which is not good for both individuals. So gossip for me is like a TB disease that takes six months for the person to change they character or like an HIV disease that has no cure only treatment of wisdom that can make a person to change his or her character in order to save themselves to avoid unnecessary stories. “Once again GOSSIP IS A NOOOO TO ANY ONE”
cathryn says
Positive gossip can be just as damaging. I have observed that dysfunctional people/groups need to project their character shortcomings on others for sure. I think it’s to avoid responsibility and make themselves look better than they are at someone else’s expense by using negative gossip. But what about the people/groups who also need “golden” person(s)?? I think it’s to live vicariously through others, to avoid responsibility again. It’s terrible to be labeled either way, because people relate to this image that they got in their head from gossip, instead of relating to you or whomever they condemn or glorify. It’s just not real. Leaves a sick feeling, either way.
Still Learning says
Gossip hurts, …I know.
Theresa says
PS – I am someone who has met the actor they were gossiping about several times. My impression was that he is a good man devoted to his family and very caring and kind. These people had never even met this actor but were quick to believe the worst about him. I make an effort not to participate in gossip and it hurts me to hear it and how cynical the world has become.
S.C. Schell says
I agree. The court of public opinion holds far too much sway nowadays.
Theresa says
Thank you for writing this and sharing that parable! I agree with you 100% on gossip. It is also a shame that people think celebrity gossip is okay, and it is not cool that “insiders” actually pay for some of the information and make a living off of gossiping. I recently heard people spreading a horrible rumor about one of my favorite celebrities without even having any factual evidence to support that rumor (it was someone claiming to be an “insider” saying that she “heard” this rumor from someone who works in the industry abroad). The “insider” was well loved among these people and sadly, just like that – all of the people participating in the conversation were quick to believe the worst about the actor despite him having a reputation as being one of the nicest human beings on the planet. Not only that, they decided they don’t like him anymore. Celebrities are people too and deserve privacy and respect, especially those celebrities who choose to keep their lives private, like the one I am referring to.
Ann says
I never was for gossip, until I met a gossiper. I got caught up in it for a couple years. Then one day I realized- I’ve been gossiping! I told them I didn’t feel comfortable or that it was necessary to talk about the lives of others, they got offended. We’re no longer friends, Lord knows what stories they’ve repeated about me to others. I was really blinded by it all. Life has become much more peaceful and simpler like before since ending the gossip. And it feels better than ever.
Carole Heath says
Hi Ann,
yes your life would be more relaxed and peaceful without this gossiping person. Why they do it is a mystery to me i am sorry to have to say it that sometimes women are the worst offenders of course men can gossip as well but i don’t think they are so interested in other people’s business, I have met some women who ask very personal questions the more they prey the less i tell them.
Carole Heath says
Sorry that should read pry but i do sometimes feel like these people’s prey.
Brian says
Gossip & rumour have devastated my life and I am still reeling, after years I still see side lone glances and people avoid me or be very cold and distant, people that could have and should have been my friends or at least friendly.. the worst of it is I see it affecting my children and it makes me despair…. because I cannot stop it and it has so totally broken me….
Lydia says
Hi.. I thought id share this as im also a victim of gossip because of what i shared with a friend. Ive taught myself that personal matters should remain between a person and his/her family either than that no one can be trusted because even the closest people cant be trusted… My pregnancy is the talk right now.. I was a wild person enjoyed life and not cared aboyt what anyone said honestly.. But as soon as i decided to mature, not abort and carry my child i became judged, people called me names i cant even go to the shop or anywhere without being looked at. The only thing thats keeping me strong is my mother, my unborn child and GOd himself.. Above all ive learnt to love myself regardless of what people say because at the end of the day im the one who has to live my life nomatter how difficult it is. Whether you cry yourself to sleep having hope that all will be well when you wake up, none will change.. If you dont face your problems and face everything you wont be strong enough to prepare for the worst battles….
Renée says
Once we become more self aware, I would disagree that gossip feels good. The short term rewards last for about the blink of an eye. We recognize it as a very brief moment of relief from an impulse or urge that comes from our own insecurity. Then the insecurity and discomfort returns almost immediately, because we’ve violated our own standards and become a hypocrite. It’s a vicious cycle that can only be broken by doing the right thing.
Frustrated Mom says
I am a first year Girl Scout leader and am shocked at the level of drama and backstabbing by the moms.
The amount of discussing what girl didn’t sell enough cookies and (my finance mom) telling other moms that a girl hadn’t paid her dues (she couldn’t) is unbelievable.
Most of this goes on behind my back and then I find out about it later.
And now, the two instigators don’t even speak to me unless it is unavoidable.
How do you combat that? I hate conflict, plus I have anxiety disorder, so I have no idea how to deal with these moms without going into fight or flight mode (I react defensively and yell) which also does not help.