Last updated:
“Envy is ignorance.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson
Very few people would argue for the positive influence of jealousy & envy in our lives. In fact, most of us can quickly recognize the importance of learning how to stop being jealous. And we’re all aware of jealousy and envy’s effects:
- They foster discontent and distress.
- They bind our freedom.
- They lead to resentment and bitterness.
- They cause us to do things we wouldn’t normally do.
- They can spiral into depression.
And yet, the wasted emotions of envy and jealousy continue to be present in our lives. It is a constant battle that wars against our heart and soul. We experience envy over other peoples’ appearance, talents, relationships, and bank accounts. It offers no positive contribution to our lives. Yet, it remains.
It is time to break free. Certainly, each of us desire to live in freedom from jealousy and envy.
Here’s how to stop being jealous.
1. Shift your focus to the goodness in your life. One of the biggest reasons we envy the life of another is because we have begun to take our blessings for granted. Count them again. You are talented. You are gifted. You are cared for. You are unique. Your life is too valuable to be lived like everyone else. You have countless reasons to be grateful for the life you have been given. Remind yourself again.
2. Remind yourself that nobody has it all. Stop comparing your life with others. It is always a losing proposition. There will always appear to be people who have it better than you. But remember, we always compare the worst of what we know about ourselves to the best assumptions we make about others. Be reminded, nobody has it all. Each person you meet experiences problems, trials, and weaknesses–just like you. This is what makes us human. Nobody is exempt. Nobody has it all. Nobody.
3. Avoid people who habitually value the wrong things. If you spend all your time with people who compare the latest fashions, you are going to start desiring the latest fashions. If you spend all your time with people who talk about their salaries, their new cars, or their extravagant vacations, you are going to naturally fall into the inevitable trap of comparing your possessions to theirs. But there are far more important things to pursue. Remove yourself from the conversation (and the relationship if necessary).
4. Spend time with grateful people. Gratitude is highly contagious–that is why I spend time reading Tammy Strobel. You can read gratitude in almost every word she writes. Find grateful people who experience contentment in their lives and spend quality time with them. You can find them online or you can find them in person. But the more you invest your time with them, the more their spirit will become yours… and soon, others will desire what you have.
5. Understand that marketers routinely fan the flame. One of the most effective tools for advertisers in our culture is to foster jealousy and envy among us. After all, if they can cause us to recklessly desire the possessions of another, they can drive us to great lengths to acquire it for ourselves. Be on guard against their tactics. Recognize them. Avoid them. And refuse to succumb to their deception.
6. Celebrate the success of others. Genuinely and practically, rejoice in the fortune of others. When somebody receives something that you desire, be happy for them. If you wanted it, they probably did too. Stop viewing life as a competition. Joy is not a finite resource. And the moment you learn to experience happiness in others’ joy is the day you take a huge step to overcoming envy once and for all.
7. Be generous. Even if you have to force yourself into it at first, make generosity an essential habit in your life. Give your time. Give your finances. Give your abilities, talents, and skills. Volunteer in your community. Support a cause that promotes social justice. And get your hands dirty. As you begin to spend more time and more energy with those who have less than you, the more you will find fulfillment and meaning. And when you do, the allure of another’s person life will quickly fade away.
Both jealousy and envy have held us hostage for far too long. It is time, once and for all, to break free from jealousy & envy and experience a more fulfilled life because of it.
Image: Yashna M
Aj says
The fact that I came looking for an article like this says that I might be ready to fight these negative feelings. Very crisp and well written, has definitely given me some guiding principles. Thanks !!
Winston says
I would like to share a personal breakthrough I discovered in being envious of others. I think we have to accept that although envy does originate from within ourselves, this is likely to be exactly what the person we are envious of wants. I think we have to realise that with the prevalence of today’s modern materialistic lifestyle, some people are so selfish they actually aim to get others to envy them, and don’t care about the negative emotional consequences in the envious. I think I’ve been personally struggling to understand that the key is that it is not all my fault. Rather my fault is being naïve in not realising that the creation of envy in other people is their aim. I think envy has a strong spiritual dimension and we can’t think we have failed as a person because we don’t compare to someone else. What really helped me was to think some positive assertions along the lines: “NO, I will not give you the recognition you want. NO, I will not give you the envy you want. NO, I do not want the selfish lifestyle you have. You are selfish, insecure and immature, and you can keep it all. God has given me all I need and I want nothing of yours…”
Darlene Winchester says
Winston, good for you….I wish you all the best, many times we will experience pain. And as many would say, pain eventually makes you stronger, but not quick enough for most people. Life will always have ups and downs, but at least you know that most pain is temporary…..Take Care.
Nina says
Winston. I really like your story I hope I can breakthrough to this monster feelings I have (envy)
I came from poor family and then get married. Luckily I married a hard working man that always provide in anyway he can and his parents are been loving parents in law to me. They had given me so much love and materials stuff. Now we’re living in this materialistic world,fb,Instagram etc. Everybody you see have a fabulous life. Since I became a mother which I always wish for coz infertility prob. It’s miracle I have one. Now I have to budget I have to cut a lot of things,bills is more now coz we are family of 3 now. I feel envy to those who travel,have more money etc. I know this is a sin from God and I’m praying that God will help me to cure this monster coz I hate it. It makes me depress and not thankful for everything I have. Now. I always think something missing.
By reading your comment here it helps me to open my mind. I turn off all my social media account.
BTW Goodluck and God bless.
Mary says
Thank you for sharing your helpful realization!
Abby says
????????????????????????good choice!
Josh says
I like your post. It’s a great reminder. What I want is the feeling of gratitude, more than even the success that others have.
Ashley says
I’ve found that I’ve shifted from a place of envy to a place of aspiration. Now I’ve never really been much of a materialistic person, but I am all too familiar with wishing for things (vacations, financial freedom, time with family, etc.) and feeling that it’s beyond my reach. When I see people modeling behavior, success, and happy relationships, I evaluate it for why it works and how they’re going about it. Then I try putting some of these things into practice myself. Rather than feeling envious of them, I see them as an example that I can learn from. People have the things they have because they’re doing things that make that possible. If I observe and learn, then I can try their approaches out for myself. There’s no need to be envious when I have the ability to accomplish these things myself. It’s a matter of belief, determination, and will (or rather, having behaviors and thoughts that SUPPORT our goals [which many of us don’t ever take the time/belief to formulate]).
Andrea T. says
Hi Ashley,
I like your response and I could not agree more. This response is such a blessing and inspiration to me. Thank you for your wise words.
Bridget Bembridge says
I have desires but only to be successful at what I do. I am happy when people are successful. Not everyone is happy for me. I’m mostly faced with competition. I don’t want to compete with anyone. I just want to enjoy my blessings
Babs says
Ashley –
I think you are spot on. Those people are doing something to get whatever it is. People offend miss this very important part and think people are handed something because they don’t know all that is involved. I have often found that people want something (materialistic or other) but are often not willing to do what it takes to get it. It usually requires more than they ever imagined.
Kelly says
Ashley, YES. Spot on.
Brandi says
I love this article. Very wise advice. I completely get this, and wish more would follow these guidelines for a more fulfilling life. Thanks for sharing!
Jane says
Hi, my jealousy/envy doesn’t relate to material possessions because I have long ago got onboard with the minimalist lifestyle and don’t equate my happiness with stuff. However I am extremely envious of people that have/ had a supportive family. I am now 29 and was left to support myself from age 16, I come from a large family but I have no close relationships with any of them, I have a few good friends but not a best friend as such, I do have a fiancé of 7 years and he is great but sometimes I feel like it’s not enough. I really wish I had a family to be proud of my achievements (I have achieved so much, travelled to 30+ countries, built a successful career and am just about to graduate with a degree) or a family to help me plan my wedding or even just be a part of mundane everyday life- a phone call to ask how I am or a visit to my house for coffee. It saddens me, makes me damn angry at times that I don’t have this. Especially because these people actually exist and I feel that I have reached out to them and tried to build relationships with them and I have so much to offer them in return but I get nothing from them. I have wondered at times, can I treat these pretty much nonexistent relationships as I would some material thing? When is right to clear the clutter of old, toxic, relationships? I don’t have old junk cluttering my home/ wardrobe etc so why keep hold of these burdensome relationships that make me feel bad, don’t add value to my life etc. if these were the qualities used to describe a material thing it would be obvious to get rid of it. I’ve looked on your site before for an article about this but most seem to relate to material things so if you have any thoughts I’d love to hear them. Thanks
ren says
Jane, I know this is a small gesture, but know that there are many in your shoes. I have made my mind up to be as good of parent and grandmother as possible. So that’s my say on that.
I have found that no matter how hard a person tries, they can only give 50% in a relationship. Cuz there are two people..each having to give atleast Something.
I have adopted theory that the people we need in our lives will present themselves, might not be family, but close friends. I have close friends, but only my boyfriend really understands me and I can tell him everything.
Darlene Winchester says
Hi Jane, I’ve read your story and can somewhat relate to how you may be feeling. But I must say that you are doing a great job with your career and accomplishments, and maybe that may be really important for you right now. Being that you are not totally alone (boyfriend) makes me wonder if he is the only person you will need for right now. You have been to 30 countries, that’s really great, but I can’t help but wonder, if there going to be something coming up in your life that we sweep you off your feet. Will your future blossom into something extraordinary, and you may need to stay really focus right now. Or maybe you can’t see the big picture yet….but you do have your boyfriend, and that’s a good thing. Don’t worry things will happen as they should for you, one step at a time. You are welcome to email me if you wish….Take Care.
Wendy says
I feel the same way you do about having a few really good friends but never first for any of them.
Ankur says
Me too????????????????????????
Claude says
Maybe if you werent obsessed with Travelling everywhere, studying and being the best you would have had the time to build these relationships.
Many people succeed without family atall and less, your just jealous because you want people around you saying how great you are all the time. You have several things alot of people want yet your whining about not having people around to tell you well done.
I feel bad for your Fiance, 7 years and you feel it’s not enough.
Julia says
Wow, that’s harsh.
Tomi says
Claude, your comment was harsh, and really unnecessary. There are more constructive ways at getting your point across than belittling people. It just goes to show you that no one has it all, NO ONE. I repeat this phrase to myself almost daily, and sometimes several times a day. Like the article states counting the blessings you do have, and doing it frequently, is one of the best ways to counteract envy. As ironic as it may seem, after reading this article, I couldn’t help but feel envious of those that are free from envy. Envy is viscious!
Demi says
This comment is most unkind. U sound very bitter, why? Your comment has not helped the poster in any way.
annominous says
I am so sorry that you struggle with this. I can relate so much. I come from a large family, left home at 16 and also have no meaningful kin reationships. I read you post and felt as though I was looking in a mirror. I have raised two young kids who are now.teens. I have a wonderful husband, but nowere and no one to share holidays with and such. I am surrounded by peers who have active aunt, uncle and grandparents to love their children and support them as families. It does hurt. Over the years it does get better, but the longing is there at times. No one deserves this kind of loss. You are right about there being little out there to read on how to cope. Hope it gets better for you. I hope you can shift your focus to have the opportunity to make your wedding day special and unique and most if all FUN!
Renatha says
I know how you feel…but indeed what is true is that everyone has something missing…for me is the romantic relationships. I’ve always tried to find someone but it seems so difficult. I feel lonely and that makes me feel envious of people that has this part of their lives fulfilled. I broke my heart several times and until now I don’t know what to do to meet the person I’ve always dreamed of.
Parimit says
I am 20 yrs old boy. Unfortunately life led me to an infatuation with 37 year old, unmarried, beautiful lady. I am at extremes. When emotions dawns in me then I remain of nowhere. I had to unfriend that lady from FB as I cant see her posts (photos with others). She didn’t know this. When She talk with others, taking selfies with others. I feel inferior. She lives far away from my city. I met her once in camp. Stayed 4 days with her and feel in infatuation…. plz have me some sound & strong way to come out of it.
Laura says
It is easy to be a minimalist at 29. It is harder at 39, 49, 59 . . . . As you get older life gets more expensive.
Anna V. says
I could have written all of this, I could be you were it not for the fact that I am 75 years old and nothing has changed for me since I was 29. I wish I could be indifferent to just about everyone; it hurts so much not to be wanted, not to be loved.
Rose says
Hey Jane, I can relate to you a lot. One thing I have realized though that has helped me a lot is that when people aren’t reaching out to you, don’t take it personally and blame your self. You do what you can do, but at the end it is the other people’s choice, so move forward and don’t let them hold you back. You don’t have to proof to them or anyone else that you are worth their affection. Just keep being you knowing that you are so much worthy, valued and treasured deeply in the eyes of God. No matter what you have done or will do, his love and presence never abundant. Also, realize that sometime people that are not your family can become so supportI’ve and loving. :)
Malin says
Naturally you’re sad about missing out of support from families and close friendship. I think it is important to mourn the love you didn’t get from your original family. I did not get it either. It is always a scar in my soul. I think you should allow youself to mourn. And to express your grief to others in small amounts. Not in a envy hostile way, but explain and open up yourself. Many people had the same experiences but put up a brave face, or keep up the facade. Telling others about yourself can be a gift that makes other open up. And tell others that you get a little jealous, in a nice perhaps joking way. . I mean any person likes to be envied at times. Don’t try to be a perfect and angelical. We all are envious, have our scars, so let’s support eachother, talk more about us not being perfect. Tear down the facades together. If you feel you can be yourself with others you will feel less lonely and envious. Accept your unperfect past! But realise you’are in command of your future. Don’t mix up your past with Now or the Future. And remember, as Celione Dion once sang, as science shows, love comes to those who believes it. So feelings of togetherness and being supported comes from willingness to recieve and being able to be wulnerable. Love!
erwin ocampo says
Hi jane, please visit the churches of chist in your area. Everyone is welcome with love in this spiritual family. The greatest relationship you’ll find here is with Jesus and His church.
★日本製ステッカーサービス★リーマン ピピデビューカラーズ【ブラッ says
イムに語りましたこのサイトや他のウェブサイトやブログ上の情報を読んだ後。どのサプリメント、または栄養補助食品、あなたが実際に服用すべきですか?一つのサイトでは、他のは、それが彼らに耳を傾けるいけない、あなたの筋肉を無駄に言う、xはあなたのために良いと言います。誰もがマーケティングの誇大広告を分類して使用するために良いサプリメントの実際の正直なフィードバックを提供することができますか?こんにちは
Patricia says
I agree with everything in the article except one thought. Support a cause that supports social justice. Social justice is nothing but envy. I cannot support social justice.
peter says
you’re thinking of SJWs
Afolabi Gabriel says
Godliness and contentment is a great gain
Cecil Caparas says
Thank you for this article and for the comments too. These are indeed very helpful lessons.
Grateful granny says
The person driving the brand new car may live in a dump and have car payments. The person wearing the new high end fashions may have credit card debt up the wazoo. The person in the mega mansion may have to work 2 jobs to make the payments and never have time to enjoy their beautiful home. The next time you envy something, ask yourself what would you give up to have what they have? Basically, in the end it’s all just stuff and stuff cannot love you back. Life is not a competition- s/he who has the most stuff wins. Not true. Do not lay up for yourselves treasures of the earth, where moths corrupt and thieves break in and steal. New clothes become dated and out of style. Cars rust and fall apart. New homes eventually get old. All this desire for “new and improved” and “stuff” seems to me a lack of confidence and conviction of one’s personal worth. Do not let things define who you are.