Well before the over-commercialization of holidays and society, gift-giving was practiced. It is a tradition as old as time itself.
Gifts can be given for the purpose of expressing love, showing appreciation, gaining favor, smoothing over a disagreement, or even manipulating for personal gain. Because of these varied motivations, our approach to decluttering gifts and handling holiday clutter can get complicated—especially if the motivations behind gift-giving are selfish in nature.
Before considering how to declutter gifts, it is important to articulate these motivations so we can recognize them and proceed appropriately.
Personally, I respect gift-giving as a love language and do not want to rob my family members of that joy. If this is their motivation, we prefer quality over quantity, needs over wants, experiences over products, and provide gift wish-lists whenever possible. For the kids, we reevaluate toy boxes and closet space a few months after the holidays to determine if there are items (new or old) to remove. The philosophy is simple, straight-forward, and easy to manage.
But, if the motivation behind gift-giving is manipulative in nature, I have other opinions. Gifts given with an hidden agenda are less appreciated. These can be difficult to recognize at first, but over time, givers with these manipulative habits will identify themselves. It is important to address your concern with this type of gift-giver—and this does not have to be done in a confrontational manner, it can still be accomplished with respect and tact.
Of course, the most difficult gift-giver to address is the one who should be motivated by love, but is motivated by selfish gain instead. It is important to be aware and assertive in these circumstances. Find a private moment to ask the giver if they are expecting anything in return for the gift. Allowing them to audibly declare “no” will be a helpful step for you and them. If the problem persists, it is within your right to not accept a gift. If this is the only way for the giver to recognize the severity of their problem, you may actually be giving them a gift by saying no.
For the sake of this conversation, let’s seek to address the genuine gift-giving process. Holidays, birthdays, and special circumstances seem to stack on top of one another. And given our culture’s propensity to commercialize any and every festival and celebration, the receiving of gifts and the subsequent clutter is most certainly on your mind.
How can we create space to both humbly accept gifts and remain clutterfree? What specific steps can we take to successfully overcome holiday gift clutter?
1. Begin with fewer possessions. We have celebrated numerous gift-giving holidays and special occasions since deciding to become minimalist. Each time, I am reminded one benefit of minimalism is that there is “room to add.” Because we have kept our personal belongings and kids’ toys down to a minimum through regular sorting and purging, there is room in our home for new things to enter. Although adding new things may seem counter-productive to the pursuit of minimalism, it is in fact, one good reason to consider it.
2. Make your gift requests known early. Though it does not always work out this way, gift-givers should desire to match their gifts with the receiver’s wishes. Creating gift lists and providing them to family members well in advance of holidays and celebrations can be a very helpful tool in limiting the clutter collection. Work hard to provide a wide-range of gift ideas varying in prices. Again, follow this formula: request quality over quantity, needs over wants, and experiences over products.
3. Make a memorable statement. Issue this Holiday Gift Exemption Certificate.
4. Be patient with your family. If living with less is a new pursuit for you, do not expect everyone else in your family to understand the first time around (especially if you are known for going through various phases in the past). Eventually, years down the road, they will begin to understand this is a lifestyle you are seeking to embrace for the long term and their gift-giving habits will likely evolve.
5. Humbly accept they may indeed have a good idea. Pride is always costly. It prevents us from seeing important life changes and other people’s points of view (among other things). This is important to remember when accepting gifts—especially from thoughtful gift-givers. When accepting gifts, embrace the idea that they may indeed know something that will add value to your life and benefit you in the long run. Be open to receiving their gifts and input. It would be foolish and proud for us to assume we know all the good things that could be added to our lives.
6. Purge guilt-free. It may take some time for you and your family to sort out which holiday gifts add value to your home and which only add clutter. With kids, it can often take months to determine which toys are a passing fad and which will become truly loved. Give it some time. But as the value of the gifts begin to reveal themselves, purge guilt-free. The gifts were given to you or your children (ideally with no strings attached). And, if they will find more use given to someone else, then please don’t hesitate to give them away. Rare is the gift-giver who wants their gift to be a burden on you or your home.
7. Reciprocate your request. You hope, desire, and expect other people to give gifts that align with your desires. Return the sentiment when you give gifts to others. Just because you make a desperate plea for experiences over products does not mean your brother, sister, father, or mother is requesting the same. If they would like new shoes, consider buying them new shoes. If they make it clear they desire a department store gift card for their birthday, at the very least, consider giving them a department store gift card. Giving gifts is an opportunity to show your love and appreciation. You can make your case for anti-consumerism at a different time.
Winston Churchill once wrote, “We make a living by what we get. But we make a life by what we give.” There are countless benefits to living with less. One of the greatest benefits is the newfound freedom to pursue generosity with our money, our time, and talents.
May we, as those who seek to live intentional lives, break free from the selfish tendencies of consumerism. And instead, choose to err on the side of generosity. May it be expressed in our gift-giving—and may we be generous in our gift-receiving as well.
Toni - Reclaiming Your Future says
These are some great ideas and thoughts Joshua particularly on matching (especially family’s) realisations together with the minimalist movement. Having just moved to Sydney I am trying to use it as a good way of living without so much and as such am asking my family for digital gifts this year such as itunes or Amazon giftcards so that we can still give/receive but without the clutter!
Ally says
My husband and I, we are very blessed to receive generosity from many people in our family, and we have communicated to both of our families our expectations and desires to live simply and what we personally are also able to give, which is not much. Most of our family is very understanding.
But I struggle with my grandparents–who obviously enjoy gift giving, but it’s so insane the amount of stuff/junk/disposable items they give… they have made it pretty clear that its quantity over quality that matters to them. My grandfather said that he does it because he never had happy Christmas because of the poor and broken family he came from.
But it’s just way to much!! The last several years, with in the few months after Christmas, we have just donated/trashed the toys and gifts that don’t fit into our life. Even thought I’ve said it’s too much it doesn’t get through. I don’t know how else to approach it.
Tanya says
Maybe you could suggest to your Grandparents that they could take your kids shopping for less fortunate children. Operation Christmas Child, Angel Tree and many other organizations would be a good place to start. This way, your Grandparents could share the joy with your children of helping to make other children’s Christmas morning a happy time.
Helena Alkhas says
Definitely one of the biggest anxiety provoking is the gift giving season.
It’s a “habit”, a part of the culture that can be quite hard to break from, even more with kids, but by bringing presence to our choices of being more, doing more together as a family, and acquiring less, we are slowly shifting away from it.
As our kids are getting older we’re being able to get “more fun” during the holidays, than more stuff. It’s being a learning curve, both for us as giver as for them as receivers, but we’re enjoying the process.
Gail says
Another timely message
Joshua, you are a good writer. Please consider deleting the phrases “so&so “once said” or “once wrote” such &such.” We do not care how many times he said/wrote it. The only reason we care to read the quote is because who said it. Yes, you do you this phrase frequently in your blog and books. Put this email into perspective, I read your all good work and this is the only (and minor) criticism I have.
Judy says
@@ OMG @@ Life is WAY too short to sweat the small stuff—especially things that don’t even concern you.
hockeyirene says
Praise publicly, criticize privately.
ilovethemso says
This is timely for me. I’m sitting here tonight trying to find a way not to bring more toys into the house. We are blessed with an entire playroom/library with floor to ceiling shelves neatly organized with lots of great books and toys. We have purged and purged and now all we have left are wooden blocks and other building toys like Lego/Duplo, Board games and huge sets of Playmobil. Everything is neatly contain except for the Playmobil buildings that don’t fit on the shelves; so they fit under a bed on wood boards. One child wants one new (huge) Playmobil set but doesn’t want to get rid of the other sets. They’re played with daily. Relatives will chip in on the one set. I’m at a loss because this child will soon be “too old” for these toys, and only wants this one gift. Yet there’s no where left to put it. The blocks and Duplo are for the toddler that doesn’t ask for anything new. :) And I feel like we have a great amount of wonderful toys without needing anything new ever since the toddler will grow into the big toys. We can only store and rotate a small amount due to lack of storage space. Really I have to find something else to go-but I want him to pick what will go.
Ailim says
I hate the forced giving and receiving of gifts. I usually receive useless, thoughtless, cheap gifts (BBQ spice and meat cook book for a vegetarian?!). I feel they were given out of obligation. I’m trying to find a way to have a stuff-less Christmas, but I’m not allowed to bring up the subject with the in-laws.
donna says
So….I really enjoy this amazing place on the web. And this article is, as usual, chock full of provoking ideas.
But….at first glance I thought it said:
Overcome Holiday Gift Glitter
I was thinking “Great! Another holiday “trend” to add to the craziness of the season! When will people realize they neef to simplify….Oh. Nevermind.”
im sure there’s a lesson here somewhere!
Queen Mary says
I always have a list of things I need – including books — I know, some of you are appalled, but we are readers in this house and some books are worth keeping — for the holidays because my birthday is around the same time and people want to know what I want! I always need new socks this time of year — just something to plan around peeps!
Elaine says
Books! Fight Evil. Read More Books! I agree, a book that I want and will reread (sometimes I ask for a book I have already read) is a gift that gives again and again. My family knows I give books, and their literacy rate increases as they search to find a book they want. I prefer to give poetry, and people who would not normally read poetry are now asking for certain poetry books. A book is more than the physical object. Yes, ebooks are good, but studies show that reading a physical book increases content recall over ebooks. I tried to prove the opposite a couple years ago, but the research didn’t show what I wanted.
Isabella says
Nice point. I must say that here in Italy at the moment there are two different kind of “gift-buyers”: those who care of the gift and of the people who will receive it, and know that they don’t need to spend a lot of money for it, and those who just want to show how great they are because they can buy huge expensive gifts. Often both people in the two categories haven’t that much money for buying gift, but the first group will think and be creative and find something nice or homemade for the gifts, the other group will have debts in January! In my family and with my close friends we are all aware that the times are hard, so small gifts, often found on gift lists or with “family polls” :-) are always appreciated. We often make homemade delicatessen like jams or cookies: they are fun to prepare, always appreciated from those who receive them and most of all, there’s no clutter (apart for the liver, sometimes!). Me and my boyfriend usually don’t buy Christmas gifts for each other because we like to go on a small vacation: experiences over stuff.
Daisy @ Simplicity Relished says
This is great!! I’m planning on sharing a “gift guide for the minimalist in your life” this upcoming week, because I believe that people should think beyond Black Friday when it comes to gifts for the holidays.