Editor’s Note: This is a guest post from Sarah Mae of SarahMae.com.
There he was, sitting on his bed with tears in his 7-year old eyes.
I had just got through yelling at him, again, to clean his bedroom. I was tired of the mess and I was tired of telling him to clean.
“Just do it!” I would shout. How quickly I forget how overwhelmed I feel when a mess is staring me in the face.
This was not the mother I wanted to be.
As I looked at my son and I looked at the mess, I realized we were both overwhelmed. It was too much—it felt like too high a mountain to climb.
It was then that I knew we needed a change. My sweet boy needed a mom who wasn’t so stressed, and I needed a boy who didn’t feel defeated before he began.
That was that day we decided on a very simple rule that would become the foundation for how we would live: Fewer things, more peace.
The less we have, the less overwhelmed we feel. And the less overwhelmed we feel, the happier we are. (tweet that)
It was with that philosophy in mind that I said, “Buddy, we are going to get rid of some things today. We can throw some things away and give some things away, but at the end of it all, you are only going to have 20 toys left.”
We called it The 20-Toy Rule.
20 toys sounds like a lot… or maybe it doesn’t. But you’d be surprised at how many things children can accumulate. I was shocked when we began moving towards 20 toys each. We don’t spoil our children and I already had been pretty strict about the toy situation. But when I sat with my son in his room that day, I had to face the fact that we had allowed in too much stuff.
At first, upon hearing my idea, his eyes got big and a look of worry came over his face. But once we started, he really got into it. He was sorting and getting excited about giving things away and even selling things in a future yard sale. He was, believe it or not, actually having fun with the challenge.
The more we got rid of, the lighter I felt. And the anger began to disappear. There we were, getting rid of stuff, and we were happier.
We don’t need stuff, we need peace. We need to feel loved and safe and okay with what we have.
I want my children to learn contentment and joy where they are and with what they have. I don’t want them falling into the trap of always needing more and better things. Learning to have less helps them to be free. And I want them to be free.
To be fair, keeping toys to a minimum has taken work. I have had to train my three children to be okay with not having something. And yes, it has been training. For example, every time we would go into Target we would immediately pass the dollar section of the store filled with bright and beckoning things that call to children (thanks for that Target). I used to think, “What’s a dollar? It’s no big deal.” So my kids would each get something nearly every time we entered that store. I decided that would be one of the changes I made right away, no more dollar toys. I told my children before we even went in the store what to expect, and they all nodded their little heads of understanding.
You can imagine the shock when I actually followed through. “But mom!” No buts, baby. We are doing this. We are learning to live content. After a few times of whining and crying and me not giving in, they stopped the fussing. Now we go into Target and they don’t even ask. They know it wouldn’t make a difference anyway.
The point is, we had to put rules in place, and we had to stick to them. It’s hard at first, but if you stick to it, it gets easier, I promise.
You can do it. You can help your children be free.
It’s worth it.
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Sarah Mae blogs at SarahMae.com where she encourages and inspires moms in motherhood. You can also find her on Twitter.
Jess says
I love the 20 toy rule! Thanks for this, perfect timing.
Jamie says
Thank you for posting this!!! I needed to hear this today because it is something I have been struggling with. Not only with my two year old, but myself. It is hard to let go of stuff sometimes because we place a val
Jamie says
I hit post before I was ready, but what I was trying to say is that we put value on our stuff or have some attachment to it and it is hard to let it go. It is so freeing though to get rid of stuff or give stuff away and have a clutter free home!!
Annie says
That’s a great lesson you are teaching your children, Sarah. It’s funny that when I think back to my favorite childhood toys there were very few I distinctly recall. The ones that really stick in my mind were a Holly Hobbie doll, a board game called Peanut Butter and Jelly, and the cardboard boxes appliances came in. Those boxes provided days of entertainment until they finally fell apart. My parents were on a very tight budget and we knew not to ask for stuff when we went shopping with them. If we wanted something “extra” it had to come from our allowance which wasn’t much, $1 a week in the mid to late 70s. They encouraged us to make things like dollhouses out of cardboard boxes and wallpaper sample sheets, and mom taught us basic sewing to make clothes for our dolls, (those pre-made Barbie outfits were very expensive then!) We never really seemed to mind having fewer toys even though we had friends who had many more, they were always willing to share and sometimes trade too.
Sarah Mae says
My kids LOVE boxes. ANYTIME we get a box in the mail, they want it. They make baby beds, forts, kitchens, you name it. I’m telling you, a ballon, a box, and a flashlight will keep little ones busy for HOURS.
Becca says
Spot on, Sarah! A few weeks ago, I found myself in the same position, completely frustrated that it was taking my boys an hour to clean up their play room and every time I checked it looked messier and they looked so confused, like “Mom, we have no idea how it got this way or where any of these things go?!” I grabbed a garbage bag and in frustration picked up everything that was still on the floor and we decided on how they would have to earn them back (complete chores or buy them). At first my 5 year old cried, then suddenly, this look of complete relief washed over his face and he joyfully bounded out of the room and hasn’t asked for any of those things since! I realized in that moment, they are completely overwhelmed with the sheer volume of “things” and how quickly everything is out of control (and we are totally with you, I limit it to only toys that spur imagination, so they do not have a ton). We are doing some serious minimizing and it is creating a much more peaceful environment for everyone. The 20 toy rule is a great “hard line” to implement! Thanks for sharing!
Jennifer Sheran says
Thanks for this! I just finished a clear out of my son’s room (he has the least toys) and I’m so on board! My word for 2015 is “streamline” and I mean everything. My waist, finances, and our home. My motto is “keep it lean in 2015” and a toy clear out is part of that agenda!
jill says
Love that motto!
Mrs. Frugalwoods says
I’m definitely of the philosophy that a clean house = a clean mind. It’s truly difficult for me to function creatively and productively in a cluttered environment. I think your 20 toys rule is a fabulous idea and I think it could be applied to adults too!
Paring down our lives to the basics really makes us focus on what actually matters and it brings into sharp relief what we prioritize.
Victoria Mininger @ Simplified Life.net says
Sarah,
Thank you for a wonderful post. These are the lessons we are learning too right now as we work to simplify our life. It’s amazing to me that the house is so much easier to keep clean. Things still get out of order, but it doesn’t take much to get it back in shape. That alone reduces my stress and my kids too. Love living with less stuff! ~Victoria
Heather says
I’m assuming sets count as one toy? Legos are an obvious thing that come to mind, but what about things like Hot Wheels, play food, puzzles, board games, and stuffed animals. I want to simplify and declutter, but 20 sounds like so few at this moment. We have become overrun with stuff, unfortunately and I continuously add more…
em says
I think you’d have to pick and choose as to what works for you. 20 is somewhat of an arbitrary number. As for legos, I would probably pick an appropriate sized container (nothing too large) and have the restriction where you will not allow more to enter unless you remove some out.
A suggestion is to perhaps choose a different but higher number — say 30. It will let you carefully consider the value of every object as you go through your de-cluttering process, but at the same time won’t give you undue stress (but you SHOULD feel a little outside the comfort zone). Then, maybe 3-6 months later, you can revisit the issue again. I think this essay is great because her son was part of the process in it too! So see how your kids feel — you might be surprised!
Jessica says
What about things like Lego or blocks? Would you count all Lego as 1 item?
Sarah Mae says
In general, use your judgement. For us, legos are one thing. Cars and such, I would say have them pick a few of their favorites and then the rest are gone, unless cars or whatever the thing is is their THING, you know, what they play with all the time. Then I would let them have a set, but find other things to pare down on. We keep games that are played and in good condition, because it helps reduce on TV time plus it stimulates their minds. I hate blocks, and we don’t have any now that my kids aren’t toddlers, but toddlers love blocks so for a season I would have a set. Again, use your judgement and compassion when there is something your child really loves. :)
Bob Pepe says
I am doing this same thing but in a different way.. I am de-cluttering myself first and hoping that my kids see the difference in both the house and myself and see if they want to join me on this journey. My kids are older 16 and 18…
My wife is thrilled that for some unknown reason, I am cleaning out closets and basements and cabinets.. I think that she is afraid to ask!!
But as my house is starting to come into focus and the debt begins to shrink and “Daddy is happier when he comes home”, I think they will jump on board.
I always prefer to walk the walk.. before just talking about it….
It is really liberating and I hope that by the end of 2015 I will be clutter AND Debt free….
sanita says
I wish you the best of luck!